Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters, or any giant theme parks.
WARNING: DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER! This chapter and the next contain more than the usual innuendoI'm feeling mighty frisky tonight. Nothing explicit (I've got THAT version saved to my desktop), because I want to keep the PG13 rating. However, if you're easily offended, please skip this chapter and the next.
Chapter 20
I'll Make A Man Out of You
The Nine Walkers entered the dormitory's double front doors, and approached the front desk. An older man sat there reading a newspaper, his glasses slipped down to the end of his nose.
Gandalf stood before the desk and cleared his throat. The man looked up, and waited for Gandalf to speak.
"My good sir, we were instructed to come to your establishment to seek lodging during our employ with Middle Earth Park," Gandalf said, offering a small smile to the man.
"Names?" the man asked gruffly, readying himself to type on his computer keyboard.
Gandalf dutifully gave their names, places of birth, and other pertinent information, as the man requested.
The printer eventually spat out a printout, which the man promptly tore off, and studied.
"Alrightylet's seeGandork, Mary, and Pigpen - you're in Room 214. Aragone, Frobo, and Sam - you're in Room 215. Legos, Gimlet, and Borax - you're in room 216. Got it? Up the stairs, second floor, to the right. ABSOLUTELY NO cooking in the rooms. Bathrooms and showers are down the hall. Laundry room is in the basement. NO visitors from outside the building after 9:00 p.m. Maid service comes in on Saturdays. Free in-room movies on channel 99. Your, um, luggage was delivered earlier. It's over there" the man concluded, pointing to a stack of cloth and leather wrapped objects piled in a corner of the room, and went back to reading his paper.
"Excellent. Thank you, kind sir," Gandalf said, graciously ignoring the man's mispronunciation of their names. He turned from the desk, leading the group over to where their belongs lay.
Each picked up whatever bundle belonged to them, and began walking over to the stairs.
"Merry," Frodo asked, sniffing the air near Merry's bundle, "why do your clothes smell like cheese?"
"Clothes?" Merry asked, looking confused. "Aragorn said to pack only the essentials! I have cheese, sausage, strawberries, and a nice round loaf of bread."
Gandalf led the way up the stairs to the second floor of the dormitory. Passing several doors on their way down the hallway, the Walkers could plainly hear laughter, shouts, curses, and music emanating from the rooms. Finally, they arrived outside of Room 214.
Using his key to gain entry, Gandalf said, "Merry and Pippin - in we go! Mind you, no nonsense tonight. I'm very weary from this day's adventures!" The three disappeared into the room.
Aragorn, Frodo, and Sam entered next door, into Room 215. "The same goes for you two!" Aragorn said, throwing Frodo and Sam a stern look.
In Room 216, Legolas, Gimli, and Boromir tried to make themselves comfortable. The room was actually a mini-suite, with a nice sized living area/dining area, and a separate bedroom. The living area held a sofa and television, with a dining table set to one side. The bedroom consisted of three single beds, three small dressers, and one decent sized closet. All the walls and doors were painted white, and the rugs were bluish gray.
"Where do ye suppose they put the chamber pot?" Gimli asked, looking into the closet and under the beds.
"I believe the man downstairs said that there is a bath-room down the hall, Gimli. A bath-room is what we were in earlier, remember? Those shiny white basins?" Legolas replied, carefully unpacking his tunic and leggings and placing them on the bed.
"Aye! I remember, Laddie. Come with me Boromir, I've something interesting to show you!" Gimli motioned for Boromir to follow him. They went out in the hall in search of the bathroom, leaving the door to the room ajar.
Alone in the bedroom, Legolas stripped out of his shorts immediately, and pulled on his leggings. "Ahhh," he thought, 'MUCH better." He turned the shorts over in his hand and frowned as he read the saying on the back. " Hot Stuff?" he read to himself. Flushing crimson, he threw them down on the ground and stamped up and down on them a few times. 'I am going to KILL Aragorn when I see him next!"
He took a few deep breaths, calming himself, content that he would never have to wear those horrible shorts again. Stretching lazily, he pulled the tee shirt up over his head. He froze when he heard a gasp from the doorway.
Turning he saw a girl in a very short, thin nightshirt standing openmouthed in his door. Legolas was rooted to the spot, like a deer in the headlights, arms still holding the shirt over his head.
"Wow," the girl said, recovering first, "I have some pretzels to go with that six pack you're carrying." She smiled and stepped into the room, and closing and locking the door behind her.
Legolas was trapped.
Next door in Room 215, Frodo and Sam had discovered the television set. Having accidentally hit the "on" button as they ran their hands across the enigmatic box searching for its purpose, they had both flung themselves behind the sofa when the screen lit with images and the room flooded with sound.
"What the devil are you two doing now?" Aragorn shouted, running in from the bedroom.
"We did nothing Aragorn! The box started lighting up and making noise all by itself!" Frodo squeaked from behind the couch.
"Arghh! I'll never sleep with this din!" He walked over and banged on the top of the set with his fist. "Perhaps Gandalf has an idea on how to shut this box up," he yelled to the Hobbits. He left to see if Gandalf was in his room next door.
Cautiously creeping out from behind the sofa, once they were sure the strange box wasn't going to do anything more than light up and make noise, the Hobbits, overcome by curiosity, inched their way toward the set.
"Why, there are tiny people in there, Frodo!" Sam exclaimed in wonder, staring at the tube. "Do you think they may be trapped in there? Perhaps we should try to free them!"
"They look too happy to be trapped, Sam," Frodo replied, squinting a little at the images on the screen. "Look closer at what they are doing"
"Great Eru!" Sam exclaimed, blushing furiously, "Rosie would never do thatI can't even get her to undress with the candles lit!"
"I didn't know it could bend like that" Frodo added, staring in rapt attention. "Doesn't that hurt?'
"I don't think I've EVER done THAT!" Sam cried, twisting his head nearly upside down to follow the movement on the screen.
"Egads! Is it supposed to go in there?" Frodo said, as his eyebrows shot up.
"Now THAT I've done" Sam said, smiling and nodding his head.
Enraptured, the Hobbits sat silhouetted by flickering light of the screen.
Merry and Pippin were overtired. Trouble had started when they discovered the light switch, and had spent nearly 20 minutes flicking it on and off.
Gandalf had finally had enough. He put on his nightshirt, and firmly told the Hobbits that HE was going to BED, and THEY had better know the true meaning of SILENCE, or HE would be more than happy to turn them into field mice.
The Hobbits had opted to go and explore the rest of the building, rather than risk Gandalf's wrath. They left the room and wandered down the hallway, peeking into whatever rooms happened to have open doors.
At the opposite end of the hall from the stairs, they found a small alcove. Standing in the alcove were several tall boxes with see-through doors on them. Hanging within the first box were colorful little packages, some of which read, "M&M's", "Payday," "Snickers," and "Lay's Potato Chips,"
The box next to it had no see through window, but had large buttons on it that said, "Coke," "Pepsi," "Sprite," and a few other words.
The final box did have a window, and held round shelves full of apples, cups marked "yogurt" and sandwiches wrapped in paper.
"What do you think these be, Merry?" Pippin asked, pressing his nose to the glass of the box that held the colorful packages.
"I don't rightly know, Pippin, but they smell awfully good!" he replied, sticking his nose in the tray below. "I wonder how you get them out of the box?"
They tried kicking it, pummeling it with their little fists, and, with one Hobbit on either side, rocking it back and forth, but to no avail. Looking around the room, Merry spied a broom leaning up against the wall.
"Watch out now, Pippin," he called, picking up broom. Giving a mighty swing, he drove the broom into the glass, shattering it. Laughing at his success, he used the broom to sweep up the shards.
The Hobbits began pulling down handfuls of the colored packages. Sitting on the floor, they tore open one after another, happily sniffing the contents and stuffing themselves with candy.
Aragorn knocked on the door to Gandalf and the Hobbits' room. He tried the knob, but it was locked. From within, he could hear Gandalf's distinctive loud snoring. He looked up and down the hall, searching for someone he could ask about the box in his room, but the hallway was empty.
Sighing, he decided to knock on a few other doors, to see if he could find someone to help. He approached the door across the hall from his own, and knocked sharply.
"Come in, it's open!" called a feminine voice from within the room. Opening the door, Aragorn stepped inside. The door swung shut behind him.
"I'm in the bedroombe right out!"
Looking about the living room, Aragorn noticed that the box in this room was lit also, although the volume of the sound was much lower.
"Hi! May I help you?" called a voice from behind him.
Aragorn turned, beginning to speak, but stopped suddenly when he found himself face to face with the Wargwoman of Gondor.
Boromir and Gimli found the bathroom at the end of the hallway. Stepping inside, they saw a row of stalls on the left, and a row of sinks on the right. Gimli proudly demonstrated the miraculous faucets to Boromir, who was properly impressed. Gimli also explained about the other porcelain basins and their specific use.
"But isn't it inconvenient to have to walk all the way down here in the middle of the night? I still think a chamber pot is better" Boromir said thoughtfully.
"I agree, Laddie. Perhaps we can find something to use in our room," Gimli said. "I wonder what be back there?" he said, pointing toward the rear of the room, where a number of curtained cubicles stood.
Walking to the back of the room, Gimli pulled aside the curtain of one of the cubicles. He and Boromir both crowded into the tiny enclosure, looking at the shiny silver apparatus attached to the wall.
"It looks rather like the handles on that little basin," Boromir said, reaching out and turning the knob marked "C".
Instantly, Boromir and Gimli were blasted with a strong spray of cold water. Yelping and jumping back, they stood dripping on the floor, watching the spray rain down.
"An inside waterfall! These people are very clever," Boromir cried, very impressed with the water works.
"Wet AGAIN for the second time today!" Gimli muttered through his soaked beard. "I don't understand" he stopped short, as he caught sight of a young girl, wrapped only in a towel, walking toward them. She smiled at them, pulled aside the curtain of the cubicle next to them, stepped in, and pulled it shut again. A towel soon appeared draped over the curtain rod.
"Be she NAKED in there? Boromir, Laddie, I believe she is NAKED in there!" Gimli whispered, unable to believe his eyes.
"Naked," Boromir repeated, eyes fixed on the shower curtain, unable to make a coherent sentence, "Naked, good."
"I think perhaps we'd best leave, Laddie," Gimli said hesitantly, backing away from the showers.
"WHY?" Boromir asked, grabbing Gimli's arm.
"Because I'm afraid of what ELSE may walk in the door in only a towel, that's why!" Gimli yelled, pulling his arm away from Boromir and marching out of the bathroom. Boromir followed slowly, casting many glances back toward the shower curtain