Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters, or any giant theme parks.

WARNING: DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER! This chapter contains more than the usual innuendoI'm feeling mighty frisky tonight. Nothing explicit (I've got THAT version saved to my desktop), because I want to keep the PG13 rating. However, if you're easily offended, please skip this chapter.

Chapter 21

Kiss the Girl

Legolas slowly lowered his arms, and took a few steps back from the girl in the nightgown who was advancing, licking her lips.

He quickly darted his eyes around the room, looking for a possible escape route. He backed his way to the closet, abruptly opened the door and flung himself inside, slamming the door shut.

"AwwwI believe he's shy!" the girl giggled, walking to the door and trying to twist the doorknob. "Come on, sweetie, I won't biteunless you WANT me to!"

"Milady," came Legolas' voice from inside of the closet, as he pulled backward on the knob with all his strength, "please, leave me alone! I have not the strength to fight all night, after running all day!"

"It's okay, muffin, you won't have to do anything - I don't mind doing all the work!" she replied huskily, pulling on the doorknob even harder. She succeeded in pulling the door open a crack.

"I'M GAY!" he shouted, pulling the door shut again.

"No, you're NOT! If you were, you wouldn't have run from me, you would have just said that to begin with!" she retorted, pulling the door open a crack again.

"Iam DEFORMED!" Legolas screamed, pulling the door shut again.

"Nice, try, sweetums, but I saw that bod and there ain't a thing wrong with it!" she laughed, pulling the door open a crack again.

"MiladyPLEASE!" Legolas shrieked, pulling the door shut again.

"Pookie, we can do this the easy way or the hard way, but I AM coming in there!" the girl shouted back, bracing her foot against the door and yanking with all her might.

The door opened just wide enough for her to slip in. She slammed it shut behind her.

"Oh, gods!" whimpered Legolas' voice from within the closet. "Oh, nooh, no"

Merry and Pippin had completely emptied the candy machine of its wares, and were currently running up and down the hallway, banging on all the doors as they passed.

"Whoa!" cried a voice from one of the doorways. "Who let kids in here? It's after nineno visitors!"

"We're not children!" Merry called, pounding on yet another door. "We're Hobbits!"

"Look, if you keep banging on doors like that someone's liable to call the cops, and that would be a BAD thing!" the young man said, motioning for Merry and Pippin to settle down. "Why don't you come in herewe're having a party."

"A party? We LOVE parties! Will there be ale? We LOVE ale!" Pippin cried, clapping his hands and jumping up and down.

"Ale? You mean beer? Yeah, it's a kegger!" the young man answered, grinning.

"Kegger? What is that?" asked Merry, cocking his head to one side.

"You know, a Keggerwe have a keg of beer in here!" the young man replied.

"Is a keg bigger than a pint?" Pippin asked hopefully. "Bigger than a PITCHER?"

"Duh!" the young man responded. "It's like GALLONS!"

Pippin and Merry looked at each other for a split second, then took off running for the young man's room.

They could hear the music from down the hall, and when they entered the room, they were not surprised to see dozens of young people dancing, drinking, and generally making merry.

"Hey, everybody!" the young man shouted over the music, "this isum, what are your names?"

"I'm Merry, and he's Pippin."

"This is Merry and Pippin!" the young man yelled, pointing to each Hobbit in turn. "Grab a glass and help yourselves!" He gestured toward the silver canister sitting in the middle of the living area.

Within moments, both Merry and Pippin were gulping down ice cold beer from large red plastic cups. They jumped up on dining room table and began to dance, singing, " Hey! Ho! To the bottle I go, to heal my heart and drown my woe"

Meanwhile, Aragorn was having a few problems of his own.

Wargwoman's homely face lit up with a grin when she recognized Aragorn as her "king" partner from that morning.

"I KNEW you liked meI just didn't think you'd actually track me down like this!" she gushed, smoothing the material of her nightgown.

Aragorn couldn't help but stare at her enormous bosom popping up from under the thin material. It was better than looking at her face, anyway.

"Milady, I just needed to ask a question"

"OF COURSE I WANT YOU, TOO!" Phyllis cried, opening her arms and walking toward Aragorn. Aragorn began backing up, holding his hands out to fend her off.

"No, no, NO!" he cried, backing up faster. "You don't understandI'm MARRIED!"

"And she doesn't understand you! I know, I know"

"She DOES understand mewell, she wouldn't understand THIS, but"

"Wives NEVER understand about things like this, do they?"

Aragorn reached the door, quickly opened it, and stepped outside, slamming it behind him. He held on to the knob, holding the door closed.

Boromir and Gimli approached from the direction of the bathroom.

"I don't know why I always listen to you, Dwarf! That girl WANTED me!"

"That girl WANTED to get wetit had nothing to do with you!" Gimli retorted. Seeing Aragorn holding the door to the room across the way from his own shut, Gimli asked, "What's wrong, Laddie?"

"There is a woman in here who wants to" Aragorn started to answer, but the door was yanked from the other side, and he had to force it closed again. "Who wants todo unmaidenly things with me!"

"And you're fighting because?" Boromir asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Because I'm married, you dolt! Besides, you have no idea what she looks"

"Well stand aside, Aragorn! I'll have a go at the lass!" Boromir said, trying to shove Aragorn from the door.

"NO! Boromir, you know not what is behind this door! You cannot"

"Don't tell ME what I CAN or CANNOT do, Aragorn! Just because you are married, doesn't mean I cannot dip my wick when and where I please!" Boromir, giving Aragorn a mighty shove. Boromir slipped inside the door.

"GREAT ERU!" Aragorn and Gimli heard Boromir shriek from the other side of the door.

"Hey! Where did Aragorn go? Oh, well, you'll do nicely, you great big hunk of man!"

"LET ME OUT!" Boromir screamed, pounding on the door, "LET ME OUT!"

Aragorn smiled and looked at Gimli. "He's a big boy, I say let him take care of himself."

They walked back to their rooms together, Boromir's voice fading behind them.