Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters, or any giant theme parks. I wish I did because it would be really funny to claim them as dependents on my taxes...get them library cards...maybe a Mastercard: "3 loaves of lembas...$28.50; 12 Elven arrows...$428.00; 1 Mithril necklace...$10,544; one golden haired, pointy eared hottie...priceless.

WARNING: I'm not quite through with the risqué stuff yet...

A/N: Okay, to those of you who I couldn't send an email: first, thank you for reading and reviewing! A couple of quick notes: I know, I know...I goofed with the fireworks (but it was still pretty funny, right?). Also, I know they had eating utensils, but I didn't know if they actually had a fork - forks weren't introduced to Europe until about the 1600's, so I thought they might not know what they were. 'Eating' knives and spoons were much more common. Also, a big blowhard by the name of Charlie knocked my lights out for a few days, which is why this update was delayed. But again, thanks for reading and reviewing!

Chapter 22

Beauty and the Beast

Gimli entered his room just as a young girl with disheveled hair emerged, straightening her nightgown. She smiled as she passed him, patting him on the head.

"Hi there, cutie...I think the blonde guy in there may need a little rest, so don't bother him, okay?" she giggled, leaving the room and sashaying down the hall.

"Legolas?" Gimli called, looking around the room for some sign of his friend. The living and dining areas were empty, but the bedroom door was ajar.

"ELF! Where are you?' he shouted, getting a bit worried. Legolas had had a lot of trouble with females that day in the park... "I can't leave him alone for a minute!" Gimli muttered to himself, walking into the bedroom.

The bedroom was empty also. Gimli noticed Legolas' tunic lying on the bed, and his leggings were draped over the lamp on one of the dressers.

"Where be ye, boy?" he called again.

"In here..." came a small voice.

"Where is 'here'?" Gimli asked, looking under the bed.

"In the closet," came the reply.

"The closet? What the devil are you doing in there? Haven't ye had enough of hiding in closets for one day?" Gimli replied gruffly, stalking over to the closet and yanking open the door.

As his eyes adjusted to the dim light in the closet, Gimli spotted Legolas sitting on the floor in his birthday suit, a big, sloppy, goofy grin plastered on his face.

"Legolas, laddie...what be ye doing sitting here in the dark with nary a stitch on, smiling like that? Have ye finally lost all your senses?" Gimli asked, concerned for his friend.

"Nay...I'm fine...just fine. Better than I've been in a millennia, actually," Legolas replied, letting out a deep sigh, but making no move to get up.

"What happened to you while I've been gone?" Gimli questioned, standing with his hands on hips, glaring down at Legolas. "Was it that female? Did she do something to you?"

"Oh...she did things alright, Gimli...LOTS of things..." Legolas replied, the grin on his face getting even bigger and goofier. "You know something, mellon min? Tomorrow I don't think I'm going to run very fast...not very fast at all. Tomorrow, I think I'll let them catch me."

"Where do you think you're going?" the Wargwoman asked Boromir, who was still pounding uselessly at the door. His screams had subsided to whimpers.

Straightening his back, he took a deep breath. "I have fought Orcs and Urak Hai,' he thought to himself, "and have undergone arduous journeys fraught with danger...surely I will survive this, too!" He closed his eyes and turned to face Phyllis. He peeked at her with one eye, then quickly screwed it shut again, turning his head away. "Egads, this woman is homely enough to frighten the Nazgul! Maybe if I keep my eyes closed..." he thought.

"Aren't you going to look at me?" Phyllis demanded, swatting Boromir on the arm.

"No."

"Why the hell not?" she asked, irritated.

"Um...your beauty is too great for me to gaze upon?" Boromir replied, trying to keep her from getting angry. Ugly he could deal with...ugly AND angry he feared he could not.

"Awww, aren't you just sweet! Well, come here, big boy, and let mama show you how she takes care of her man!" she cried, leading Boromir by the arm to the bedroom.

"Please, Eru, let me live through this...I'll never complain about having to 'play' dead again...I swear it!" Boromir thought, reluctantly letting himself be pulled along.

Frodo and Sam hadn't moved a muscle in over an hour. They sat enraptured by the images flickering on the television screen, occasionally letting out an 'Oooh,' an 'Ahhh,' or an 'I didn't think that was physically possible!'. Finally, the movie ended, and a blank screen appeared.

Sam noticed Frodo squirming about, clearly uncomfortable.

"What's wrong, Mister Frodo?" he asked, concern evident in his voice.

"Nothing."

"Come on, Mister Frodo...we've been friends too long for me to not know when something is wrong..."

Frodo sighed, and looked at Sam, "I seem to have a small problem, Sam."

"What type of problem? Can I help you?" Sam asked.

Frodo blushed crimson. "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" he cried. "It's just that watching those people in the box had made me...well...you know. I never knew people could do those things..."

Sam looked at Frodo in amazement. "Mister Frodo, surely you don't mean that you've never...?"

"No, of course not!"

"EVER?"

"No, Sam! I had my uncle to worry about, remember? I couldn't very well bring a girl home with Bilbo hanging around, now could I?"

"But NEVER?" Sam cried, unbelievingly, staring at Frodo with wide eyes. "Even Pippin and Merry have been able to wangle a little now and then, although from what I've heard, Pippin giggles..."

"SAM! I have a little problem here, and I don't know how I'm going to fix it!" Frodo yelled, pointing to his shorts.

"Ewww! No need to be so graphic, Mister Frodo!" Sam cried, covering his eyes with his hands. "Just go in the bedroom and take care of it, for Eru's sake!"

"Gandalf is in there!" Frodo said, widening his already huge eyes. "I can't...you know...with him in there!"

"He's fast asleep...he'll never know. Just go on...I can't keep my eyes covered forever," Sam said impatiently.

"He sleeps with his eyes OPEN, remember? That's...that's...DISGUSTING!"

"It's either that, or learn to live with that 'little' problem, Mister Frodo," Sam replied.

"When I said 'little,' I didn't mean 'LITTLE,' Sam," Frodo said, getting a little snippy, standing up.

"Sure...whatever you say, Mister Frodo," Sam said, keeping his eyes covered. A small, sardonic smile was growing on his face.

"I trust you will dare not speak a word of this to anyone...right, Sam?

"Oh, certainly not, Mister Frodo, certainly not!" Sam answered, that smile getting slightly bigger.

Somehow, Frodo didn't believe a word of it.

Aragorn returned to his room to find it completely empty. He called for Merry and Pippin, but received no answer.

"Damn them! Those two little nuisances are more trouble than they are worth!" he said to himself, after assuring himself that the Hobbits were not hiding somewhere in the room. "I am dead tired but now I have to go track them...and I really don't want to pass Phyllis' room again!"

Aragorn went back out to the hallway. He looked up and down, but saw no sign of the Hobbits. Walking down the hallway to the left, he found the remains of the snack machines. "This looks like their work..." he thought, kicking at the pile of wrappers scattered on the floor.

He started back up the hallway, pausing to put an ear to each door, listening for the sound of Pippin and Merry's voices. At Phyllis' door, he tiptoed silently past, but couldn't help hearing a woman's voice yelling from within, "WHO"S YOUR MAMA?" He didn't even pause on his way. After all, he KNEW who was in there with her. He couldn't help giggling a bit at that thought.

Finally, toward the end of the hall, he heard music and laughter coming from behind one of the doors. Listening intently, he heard Merry and Pippin singing that old Hobbit drinking song. "It figures that they would find a party to attend," he thought, knocking loudly on the door.

No one answered his knock, so he tried the doorknob. Finding it open, he let himself into the room. Through the crowd of people, he spotted Merry and Pippin dancing up a storm on the dining room table. Merry had a lampshade on his head, while Pippin was swinging what Aragorn could only assume to be some type of woman's undergarment in the air above his head.

Making his way to the table, he grabbed the Hobbits up, one under each arm, and started to leave with them.

"Whoa, dude! Where are you taking the little dudes? They're like, the life of the party!" one young man said, trying to pass Merry another cup of beer.

"I believe that the "little dudes" are far overdue for a nap, young man," Aragorn said, pushing past him. "They have work on the morrow."

"Awww, come on, Aragorn! Why must you be so fuddy duddy all the time...you made us come to work here - you could at least let us have some fun!" Merry slurred from under Aragorn's left arm, the lampshade dropping from his head.

"Yes, Aragorn! We're just making merry..."Pippin mumbled, still clutching the bra he had been waving about.

"We are going to our rooms right now! Not another word, you two, or so help me Eru I will..."Aragorn paused, looking down at the two hobbits he carried. Both had passed out and were and snoring.

Aragorn let out a sigh, and carried the two sleeping Hobbits back to their room, tucking them into their beds. He soon fell asleep himself, too exhausted to even get undressed.

Gimli left Legolas in the closet, and busied himself getting ready for bed. "It mayhap be an interesting day on the morrow..." he thought. "It was funny enough watching the Elf run from those ladies all day, but 'twill be funnier to see how he walks tomorrow night!"

Gimli turned, hearing the room door open. He peeked into the living room to see Boromir staggering in. Seeing Boromir with his clothes and hair disheveled, Gimli started to chuckle. "So, was she the woman of yer dreams, Boromir...or yer nightmares?"

Boromir paused, shoulders slumped, and looked Gimli in the eye, "I had to keep my eyes closed the entire time, Dwarf...what do you think?" He swiped a hand over his face. "I'll be seeing that woman coming after me with those black leather boots and that whip for the next month!"

Gimli collapsed in laughter, rolling about on the carpet. "Well, that'll teach you not to listen to Aragorn when he tries to tell you something!"

"Really? Well, you should know then, Dwarf, that before I left her I told her that YOU thought she was a raving beauty, and could not wait to see her again! I believe she is going to ask to transfer to Fangorn Forest tomorrow. She said something about having a "thing" for short men!"

Suddenly, Gimli didn't find much to laugh about any more.

Sam was digging through his knapsack, pulling out sausage, bread, and other assorted dainties he had brought from home. It had been several hours since dinner and he was famished.

Suddenly from within the bedroom, he heard Gandalf cry out, "Frodo? What in Middle Earth are you doing?" followed by a loud thump that could only have been Frodo fainting dead away.