A/N: George: Emily's decorating her room soon, so I've got stuck with clearing all her crap out.

Emily: It is not crap!

George: Debatable. Anyway keep those reviews coming it makes Emily happy, and when she is happy she makes me instant noodles!

Disclaimer: All breakages will be paid for.

Chapter Four – Three hundred and seventy nine rum bottles.

"So Mr. 'I can shoot arrows uber well and happen to be Prince of a whole bunch of elves' what is the plan?" Asked George.

"I have to think of a plan?" Asked Legolas in return.

"What were you going to do, stand there and look macho?"

Legolas was about to nod in the affirmative but thought better of it, "I do not see you formulating a plan."

"That is where you are wrong my little…elf…thing."

Legolas raised an incredulous eyebrow.

George continued, "I am the master of reason, delegation and a diplomatist."

"And?" Questioned a dubious Legolas who really didn't want to know where this was going.

"I shall just go up to the Orcs and simply persuade them that it is really is in their best interests to give Emily back."

"And you think that they will listen?" Legolas was now convinced that the boy was stupid.

"No not really. However, if I use Black Speech they won't just be listening they will be on their knees bowing to their new leader." Announced George.

"You can speak Back Speech?"

"Yep."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I am sure!"

"This is a stupid plan."

"Well it came above 'attack the Orcs with hummus' so I am sticking with it."

"I have no idea why I am agreeing to this, but seeing as it is the only plan we have and Emily would trust you with her life, let's go." Decided Legolas.

……

Emily was locked in the dungeons chained to a wall after her bout of foot in mouth syndrome.

"Three hundred and seventy nine rum bottles sitting on the wall, three hundred and seventy nine rum bottles sitting on the wall and if one rum bottle should accidentally fall there'd be three hundred and seventy eight rum bottles sitting on the wall."

"Please stop! You've been going since a thousand! I cannot take it anymore." Screamed a gravelly voice.

"Who's there!" Yelped Emily who thought she had been alone for the last four hours.

"Swear that you will stop that confounded song and I'll tell you who I am."

"It is the only thing keeping my brain intact so I think no. Three hundred and seventy eight rum bottles sitting on the wall and if one rum bottle should…"

And so the song resumed and the stranger remained exactly that, a stranger.

……

"There they are." Pointed out Legolas as George and he rounded the final corner of the dank passageway. "Are you positive you can speak Black Speech?"

"I am as positive in that I can speak Black Speech as you are in thinking you look good twenty four hours a day." Replied George.

Legolas and George approached the wall of Orcs as twenty black eyes locked on the uncertain blue stare of Legolas and the cool blue gaze of George.

"You should have stayed where you were." Grunted an Orc as it gripped its weapon tightly.

"Now would be a good time to start speaking." Whispered Legolas who was feeling slightly susceptible without his bow, quiver and white knives.

"Don't rush me," George took a deep breath.

Legolas prepared himself for the pain that took a hold over elves whenever the Black Speak was uttered.

The pain never came…

"You 'snort' must 'grunt' give 'snarl' Emily 'sneeze' back 'growl'." Said George.

Legolas put his head in his hands.

'Maybe they would like something more upbeat?' Thought George and so he sang;

"I felt the air rise up in me,

knelt down and cleared the stones and leaves,

I want to ride where you can't see,

Inside my shell I wait and bleed!"

"What are you doing!?" Cried Legolas.

"Black Speech!" Answered George as if Legolas was asking a stupid question.

"That was not Black Speech."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes! What was it?"

"Slipknot."

"Slipknot?"

"I figured it was pretty much the same."

"Well it is not!"

"They seemed to enjoy it." George gestured to the Orcs who were now humming.

"I am glad you have successfully managed to entertain the enemy, may I suggest that while they are distracted we leave?!"

"Good plan."

This plan turned out to be not quite so good as George and Legolas were grabbed before they had even turned around. This resulted in Legolas head butting and knocking out a good few before he himself was knocked out by a blow to the back of the head.

George enthusiastically clapped Legolas' progress until he realized that eight Orcs were holding him where he proceeded to shout;

"Get off me you bummer!"

……..

"One hundred and two rum bottles sitting on the wall, one hundred and two rum bottles sitting on the wall and it one…"

Emily was interrupted by the sound of the cell door clunking open. She was greeted with the sight of an unconscious Legolas being thrown onto the floor and a flailing George shouting;

"Watch the robes!"

Emily began to frantically pull at her chains, "Legolas! You bastards what did you do to my elf?!"

"Hey Em! I knew I'd find you." Grinned George.

The door to the cell was slammed shut and locked.

George elated to see his sister ran towards her. Unfortunately he forgot about the elf on the floor and tripped sending him flying into something soft and warm.

"I should object but it has been an awfully long time." Cooed the stranger.

"Argh!" Screamed George as he shot three feet into the air. "Violation!"

"George you arse! Go help my elf." Cried Emily.

Though the combination Of George's cries of protest and Emily's hysterical screaming Legolas groggily came round. While adjusting to the newfound pain from his head Legolas had yet to open his eyes. George taking this as the elf was dead decided mouth to mouth resuscitation was the open option left to him, fueling to numerous rumors that George is gay.

"Argh!" Screamed Legolas as he shot three feet into the air. "Violation!"

'Dejavu.' Thought Emily.

"I was trying to help you!" Argued George.

"For the sake of Middle-earth and my reputation please stop helping!"

"Hi Legolas." Voiced Emily.

Legolas turned around, on upon seeing Emily he pulled that little cute face he does at the end of The Return Of The King.

"Emily!" Legolas flung his arms around her. "Thank the Valar you are all right."

"Well I am not going to be all right for long."

"Why not?" Asked George.

"Well apparently I have to see 'Him'."

"Who?"

"'Him'."

"Who 'Him'?"

"'HIM'!"

"Who is 'He'?"

"'Him!'"

"I'm not gay."

"Huh?"

"Just thought I'd clarify that."

"Whatever."

"So who's 'He'?"

"Just 'Him' all right!"

"Sorry." Pouted George.

"What else do you know?" Asked Legolas.

"Well, I was supposed to see 'Him' before but me and my big mouth rambling on about a penchant for chains got us put in here."

"Why do you have a penchant for chains?" Inquired George rather naively.

Legolas had the decency to turn crimson.

"Anyway," Emily avoided the question, "What are you two doing here, where is Kai?"

"Kai has gone to get help." Informed George.

"Why didn't you go with him?"

"I could not leave you here." Said Legolas.

"As incredibly romantic as that is, it is also incredibly stupid. You should have… Oh who am I kidding I'm glad you are here, it was getting a bit lonely in here with nobody to talk to."

"What about him?" George pointed at the stranger in the corner.

"No use, you can't get one word out of him." Answered Emily.

"I tried to…" Began the stranger but was interrupted by Legolas.

"Emily, do you know what he wants with us?"

"I'm not Sherlock Holmes, I've exhausted all my thinking cells deciding on whether or not the rum bottles sit or stand on the wall and now I need a hug."

Legolas obliged.

"So I take it that we are screwed then?" Said George as he sat down on the floor and found an interesting key amongst the straw.

"There must be something the Orcs have overlooked, they are not the smartest of beings." Pointed out Legolas.

"Yes, but we know nothing of the intelligence of 'Him'." Said Emily.

"Who?" Asked George.

"Shut up." Snapped the stranger.

"Maybe if we come up with a plan after I see 'Him'? We would have a better knowledge of what we are knee deep in." Suggested Emily.

"I will not let you go to 'Him'." Shouted Legolas. "Who knows what 'He' will do!"

"Well we don't really have that much choice hunny."

"Idea!" George bounced around joyfully. "The magic bag! You could summon up a key and unlock the cell, then we all could piss off."

"One problem, the Orcs took the bag when they took the weapons." Replied Emily.

"I know, I know! The bag we still produce whatever you summon. So summon up some fire and cook some Orcs ass!"

"And we can be burnt alive on this rather cheerful cell." Chirped Emily.

"There was no need to be sarcastic." George sat down and resumed playing with his recently acquired key.

"Maybe we could…" The cell door being swung open interrupted Emily.

Ten Orcs set their sights on the girl.

"You are to see 'Him' now." Stated an Orc.

Legolas stood in front of Emily refusing to move.

"Do not make me knock you out again elf." Said an Orc the distain evident in his voice.

"I'll be fine Legolas, honestly." Comforted Emily despite the fact that she was shaking so much that her chains were rattling.

"No!" I swore to protect you. I am your husband and I will not just stand by and do nothing."

George pushed Legolas out of the way.

"Look after yourself our kid." George said as Emily was taken away. "Now Legolas, before you beat the living crap out of me just hear me out. One way or another Emily was going to be taken to 'Him'. This way you don't get knocked out which means I don't get left alone with that stranger."

"You just handed your own flesh and blood over to Orcs, have you no heart or are you just stupid?" Shouted Legolas.

"You really don't have much faith in your wife, do you?"

"Of course I do!"

"Then trust her to take care of herself. She got along fine before you were here, she will get along fine now."

Legolas let out a long sigh and crumpled to the floor. George resumed playing with the key he found earlier.

…..

"Sit there, 'He' will join you shortly." Ordered one of the Orcs.

Emily was left alone to survey her surroundings.

She was seated upon on what could only be described as a lilac cube. The cave walls were covered with a cream fabric.

"'He' obviously reads the same interior design magazines as my mother." Said Emily out loud.

Her musings were abruptly stopped when the door to the cavern swung open to reveal 'Him.'

"You!" Gasped Emily.

…….

A/N: Emily: I wonder who it is?

George: The only one who knows you smeghead! She won't even tell me!

Emily: Oh before I forget I am supposed to clarify that George is not gay. I think it gives him an air of mystery but he disagrees.

George: Mystery my arse!

Emily: Here are the thank yous:

CourtneyNKay - I think you're awesome!

Chaotic Jinx - Yes we are based in Canterbury (Home of Orli!) England. Horny Kai - He is always horny, he is the Mirkwood bicycle. George isn't gay though I'm not ruling anything out! TROGDOR.

limpet666 - Say hi to Jebus for us. Good old horny Kai.

meg-the-sexy-beast - Can you guess who 'He' is yet? I like the Legolas and dark cave idea.

pretendingtobesane - The magic bag will return I promise!

Shadowz - You noticed the durex/tiny johnson line and we thought it wasn't that obvious!