A/N: Emily: By royal appointment I have the esteemed position of announcing that George is NOT gay. Thank you for listening.

Disclaimer: Now would be a good time to also announce that we don't own anything other than yummy Kai and ourselves.

Chapter Five – Return of the Jedi.

"You seem surprised Emily." Smirked Eowyn.

"Not to sound stupid or anything but what with all this 'Him' business I was expecting someone of a more masculine disposition. Oh but I remember! You are a man, silly me to forget the irony of this 'Him' situation."

"I tried to get those brainless Orcs to forget the 'Him' business but I found myself at an intelligence block." Eowyn finished.

There was a long pause.

"This is the bit where you tell me why I am here and what your evil plan is." Explained Emily.

"Oh of course. Sorry I'm a bit new to this dark side affair. To be completely honest I don't really know where to start."

"All bad guys have…" Began Emily.

"Less of the guy part." Interrupted Eowyn.

"Sorry. All bad….um…folk have some reason why they are enacting pain and suffering upon certain individuals or the world. Injustice, pure madness, greed, revenge or bad underpants."

"Ooooh revenge!" Clapped Eowyn.

"Good start. Now, whom are you feeling particularly vengeful towards?" Asked Emily.

"You and your brother."

"Right." Emily gulped. "Any reason why?"

"Three reasons really. One: You made me a man. Two: Faramir will not date me because he has a crush on you. Three: My backup man was Boromir but he has found a sudden liking in males!"

"In my defense. One: The authors may have played a part in that. Two: I can't help who fancies me. Three: Who are you to stand in the way of true love? Oh and leading back to your first point, what with you being a man you could be right up Boromir's street." Argued Emily.

"Nevertheless I am holding you and George responsible."

"Well now would be the right time to lay out your evil plan of what you plan to do to us." Sighed Emily.

"I did have quite a good idea involving a traction cable and a bucket but in the end I thought the traditional beheading option would suffice."

"Are you sure madness isn't behind this?" Muttered Emily.

"You and your brother shall share this fate." Continued Eowyn.

"I'm sure he would thank you in your generosity! Wait a minute, if this is a personal vendetta against George and I why did you take Legolas and Kai captive?"

"I shall never forgive Faramir for the way he rejected me, therefore he must die. However, I could not do it myself. I figured if Legolas was led to believe you and Faramir had been having an affair he would do the job for me."

"He would never believe that!" Cried Emily.

"We shall see." Whispered Eowyn.

"And Kai?"

"That elf would shag a tree if it had a hole in it and I'm desperate."

"Fair enough." Decided Emily.

……

"I cannot just sit here waiting for them to bring Emily back!" Shouted Legolas who had taken to pacing up and down the dungeon.

"That's if they bring her back." Pointed out George who was becoming slightly dizzy watching Legolas pace up and down.

Legolas sent him a glare.

"We need a plan." Announced George as he slipped the key he had found into his robes.

"I have had enough of your plans." Snapped Legolas.

"Don't get your knickers in a twist. It's not my fault 'He' is an evil bigot!"

Legolas ignored George as he inspected the door to the dungeon.

"It doesn't look that strong. Maybe if I…" Legolas shoulder rammed the door.

Smack. The door buckled slightly but did not open.

"Wow you are quite strong for a weedy looking guy." Remarked George.

"I do not suppose it would be too much trouble for you to help your majesty?" Said Legolas through gritted teeth.

"Let me see." George began his own scan of the door. "This keyhole here it looks like it would need a hefty key to unlock it."

"Your point?"

"I don't know it just seems familiar." George gave up on the idea, took a run up and threw himself into the door. "Ouch!" George bounced off the door.

Legolas continued to batter the door down but gave up when something in his shoulder made a weird crunching noise.

…..

"So this beheading then, when may I ask is it taking place?" Asked Emily.

"Midnight." Answered Eowyn.

"And how is it being done? Equipment wise."

"I don't understand."

"Axe, sword, shotgun or have you come over all French and have purchased a guillotine?"

"Oh right, a sword, the sword of Theoden."

"I never liked him." Grumbled Emily.

…..

George had resumed playing with his key.

"I wonder if Kai is returning with help." Mused Legolas aloud.

"How did you and Kai meet?" Asked George not because he was interested but out of sheer boredom.

"His father is one of my father's best councilors. He was born a day before me so we grew up together, the only time we have really been apart is during the quest of…" Legolas paused. "What is that?"

"What?"

"That gold thing in your hand."

"What gold thing?"

Legolas raised an eyebrow.

"Oh this gold thing!" George held up the key. "It's a key."

"I can see that. Where did you get it?"

"I found it on the floor."

"When?"

"About when we arrived."

"And you didn't think that maybe it might be the key that could get us out of here?"

"No, that would be too obvious."

Legolas got up and snatched the key from George.

"Hey! That's my shiny thing." Protested George as he followed Legolas to the door.

Legolas put the key in the lock and turned it.

Clunk. The door swung open.

"Ooooh it worked." Chirped George.

Legolas sent him a disapproving glare. "We have been stuck in here while you held the key we needed to GET OUT!"

"So it would seem." Gulped George.

Legolas collected his weapons, which had been laid out further down the corridor.

"They took Emily this way, come on." Legolas began his way down the narrow paths of the cave.

"I'll catch you up, I just want to see if I can find the magic bag." George scuttled off in the opposite way.

Most of the Orcs guarding Eowyn's room had left to guard the entrance to the cave. Four were left snoozing around the door as Legolas approached.

…..

"Do you really think your going to behead both George and me?" Asked Emily.

"Of course, why do you ask?"

"Well, if the force of Sauron had trouble getting rid of us, you and your sword don't have much of a chance."

"There is no way you can escape your fate now. Your luck has run out."

"I'm just saying that I wouldn't want to be in your shoes."

"Excuse me?"

"Who knows what will happen if you kill us. There might be an imbalance in the force and everything will turn purple. People would have to start calling you Darth Eowyn. Think how hard it'll be to get and a guy with a lame name like that!"

"You are just trying to worm your way out of this." Accused Eowyn.

"Correct. Did it work?"

"Not really…" There was a large crash from outside. "What was that?"

"Why are you asking me?"

Eowyn ran to the door and pushed it open slightly. She was greeted with the sight of four dead Orcs and an extremely pissed off Legolas.

"Eowyn!" Shouted Legolas in surprise.

Eowyn tried to slam the door shut but was no match for the speed of an elf.

"Yay my savior!" Cheered Emily who began to dance.

Legolas threw Eowyn to the ground. "Emily come on!"

"Hang on." Emily strolled up to Eowyn. "That is what you get for holding a royal princess hostage a kick in the backside."

"I haven't had a kick in the backside." Snarled Eowyn who was trying desperately to get up despite the fact that Legolas foot was placed on her neck.

"Not yet." Grinned Emily as she gave Eowyn exactly that: a kick in the backside.

Legolas rushed Emily out of the room and sealed the door shut with one of the Orcs' scimitars.

"Where's George?" Asked Emily frantically.

"He went to look for the magic bag. He went towards the entrance which is where I am guessing are the rest of the Orcs, we must hurry."

……

"Here little baggy, come to Georgie." Called George.

George rounded a corner and was temporarily blinded by the daylight that shone through the entrance. As he slowly regained sight he noticed two things. The magic bag lay at his feet and thirty Orcs were approaching him fast.

George picked up the bag, "What do I need, what do I need?!"

Then it came to him, the ultimate in weaponry, and every boys dream.

"Magic bag I want a light saber." As George uttered those immortal words he felt a strange presence surround him. "Fear me for now I am more powerful than you can imagine."

The Orcs looked at each other for reassurance as George switched on his light saber.

"I am now a Jedi." Whispered George to himself as he approached the jittery Orcs.

…..

Both Legolas and Emily could hear sounds of a fight as they neared the exit.

"Stay here. I will help your brother but I need to know that you are safe." Said Legolas.

"I'm safe." Smiled Emily.

"Then you will stay?"

Emily nodded.

Legolas disappeared round the corner.

"Stay here that is what I shall do." Said Emily to herself hoping dearly that her brain had not noticed that they were alone. "I can do this. Just stand still, this is easy."

'Why aren't we moving?' Asked Emily's brain.

"Damn! Why can't you just leave me alone?"

'You didn't answer my question.'

"Legolas said I should stay here until it is safe."

'And you agreed to that?!'

"Yes."

'You'll never be able to do it.'

"I was doing just fine before you showed up!"

'I think we should go investigate how Legolas and George are doing.'

"No we have to stay here!"

'Why?'

"Because it is not safe."

'You who went to Mount Doom are saying that a few Orcs pose a threat to you. Have you no dignity?'

"You're not going to shut-up until I move are you?"

'Nope.'

"Fine but as soon as we see them we are coming back agreed?!"

'Agreed.'

Emily followed the sounds of the battle until they died down when she reached the final corner. Emily could see the silhouettes of Legolas and George upon the wall. However, something was not completely right with George's shadow, there was a long object that seemed to be protruding from his pelvic region. Emily listened to their conversation.

"It's really long and shiny." Remarked Legolas.

"It's quite impressive isn't it?" Said George.

"Very. Does it always make that noise when you swing it?"

"Yeah. Would you like to hold it?"

Emily had heard enough. Random, disturbing thoughts flooded her brain. The clearest one was that Legolas was having an affair with HER BROTHER!

Before any rational conclusion could be formulated by Emily's brain she began to run in the opposite direction floods of tears streaming down her face. Emily ran and ran not paying attention to where she was going until she was enveloped in a pair of strong arms. Emily tried to scream but a hand silenced her.

"Ssssh it is me." Whispered Kai.

"Kai? I thought you went to get help." Sniffed Emily.

"Long story."

Emily raised an eyebrow.

"I got to Mirkwood and the entire army refused to help me."

"Why would they do that?" Asked Emily.

"They seemed to think that I had slept with all their wives."

"Why would they think that?"

"Because I did." Answered Kai truthfully. "So I came back to help but it seems you three had it pretty much under control. I entered at the back to find you. I couldn't see you at the entrance, what are you doing here?"

"Urm…well…I…" Emily started crying again.

"Hey, it's ok. What's wrong?" Comforted Kai.

"Legolas and George. They…they…are…"

"Yes?"

"Sleeping together." Finished Emily with a loud sob.

Kai starting laughing.

"What's so funny?!" Shouted Emily.

"Your being serious?!" Gasped Kai. "Are you sure?"

"I overheard a rather disturbing conversation. What am I going to do Kai?"

"I'm here for you. Legolas must be stupid to let you down."

"I cannot stay in Mirkwood nor can I go to Gondor. I don't know what to do."

"I'll look after you." Promised Kai.

"Why would you do that?" Asked Emily.

"Ever since I met you I liked you."

Emily was still in Kai's arms as the elf leant down and brushed his lips against hers just as Legolas turned the corner.

…….

A/N: Emily: I'm in trouble! He He He!

George: Slut.

Emily: Just could you ain't getting any! Well guys what do you think? I feel we are becoming slightly serious! Say something funny George!

George: Emily still has Barbie dolls.

Emily: I hate you. Here are the thank yous:

Poolbum – New reviewer! Yay! Here is your update.

Shadowz – I like that band! Jack Sparrow does have a cameo but you'll have to wait a bit for it. You know me too well. George is very honored to have met you as a fellow Trogdorien. Oh you will be pleased I am listening to The Rasmus, Guilty as I write this.

Ayiicaalimé – Sorry oh gracious Slipknot Queen. It took me at least twenty minutes to guess what Corey was yelling about! We shall see each other again when you return from Germany!

Pretendingtobesane – I think at the moment Emily needs to summon up something to abate Legolas' anger before poor Kai meets an untimely doom.

Meg-the-sexy-beast – The truth about George's sexuality has hopefully been revealed. You now know who 'He' is but we have gone and left you with another cliffy! Nasty us!

CourtneyNKay – George is celebrating the fact that you think he is Hott!

Lil'Smartass – I will shove all the apostrophes up your lil'smartass if you don't quit it with the grammar niggling! Yes we did realize Arod and Durex are both males but love cannot be stopped.

Limpet666 – Kai is back! Please forgive us Jebus, we will get you a kiss from Kai.