A/N: Emily: Get your party hats at the ready it is time for the ultimate in hen nights and stag dos!

George: Again we have fallen into the habit of writing the author note before the chapter so we are just as excited as you! However, it does mean that things could get a little crude, but what with this being R rated let the uncouthness reign supreme.

Emily: So be prepared for booze, strippers and shocking revelations. (Not to mention not one but hopefully seven naked elves by the end of this chapter.)

Disclaimer: Kai has filed for a divorce so we are back to owning nothing.

Chapter Eight – Naked Elves revisited.

"Right now repeat after me." Began George.

The King of Gondor was surrounded by an ensemble of wedding guests that were about to embark on the stag do of a lifetime. Boromir, Elladan, Elrohir, Legolas, Kai, Aragorn the Zombie, Celeborn, Rumil, Orophen, Merry and Pippin all prepared themselves for what was about to come.

"I swear that no activity…"

"I swear that no activity…" Repeated everyone.

"…that takes place on this most holy of nights…"

"…that takes place on this most holy of nights…"

"…be it illegal or otherwise…"

"…be it illegal or otherwise…"

"…shall be spoken of outside this newly formed brotherhood…"

"…shall be spoken of outside this newly formed brotherhood…"

"…if I should ever break this pact…"

"…if I should ever break this pact…"

"…I will be punished by the God of fun himself." Finished George.

"Who's the God of Fun?" Asked Pippin.

"Just repeat it!" Snapped George.

"…I will be punished by the God of fun himself." Finished everyone.

"Now that is done it is time to begin the party." Rejoiced George. "Boromir my good man what is first on the agenda?"

Boromir pulled out a long list, planning out the evening's events, which George had meticulously prepared the moment he and Emily had taken up the challenge of educating the people of Middle-earth.

"Pub crawl." Stated Boromir.

"Ahh excellent!"

"Urm…George…" Began Legolas.

"Yes."

"Lothlorien doesn't have any pubs." Gently informed the elf.

"Well it is a good job we are not staying in Lothlorien then."

Eleven sets of eyebrows rose.

"With the help of the trusty magic bag we are equipped with the ultimate in light speed travel." Announced George.

A blue squiggly hole appeared out of nowhere.

Legolas and Kai were too used to George by now to be surprised so left it to the rest of the guys to gape in awe.

"What is it?!" Shrieked Pippin.

"This is the answer to our lack of pubs problem, it is a wormhole. Let the education commence!" George jumped into the hole and was shortly followed by a somewhat reluctant and nervous group of random males.

……

"Ooooh Haldir we are going to have so much fun!" Squealed Emily as she began to unpack her party pack of hen night essentials.

Present at the party was Haldir of course, Arwen, Galadriel, Frodo, Sam, Gandalf and Gimli.

"I still don't see why I have to be here!" Snorted an indignant Gandalf.

"You are lucky you got an invitation at all!" Retorted Emily which affectively shut-up the wizard.

"What about Sam and I? We aren't supposed to be at this party." Said Frodo.

"De Nile is not only a river in Egypt." Muttered Emily.

"And what about me?! What am I doing here?" Grunted Gimli.

"Look guys you really don't want to be at that stag do. We are going to have a wicked time."

"Do you know what your brother is planning?" Asked Arwen worriedly. "I do fear that Zombie Aragorn might find it all a bit overwhelming."

"I wouldn't worry about Aragorn, it is the elves of the party I would feel sorry for." Said Emily cryptically.

"Whatever do you mean?!" Asked Galadriel whose husband had joined the group George had named The Lusty Twelve.

"Let us just say that George has planned something to relieve the elves of some of that elvish pride they all have in abundance."

"Are you not worry about Legolas?!" Asked Haldir.

"Not really, I've been promised a picture!" Giggled Emily refusing to reveal anymore.

"What's that?!" Cried Sam as Emily pulled out another object from her party pack.

"It is a pair of handcuffs." Said Emily innocently.

Sam and Frodo promptly fainted.

"Are they going to do that all evening? I haven't even brought out the stripper yet!" Whined Emily.

…..

After two hours of continuous boozing on The Green Dragon's finest ale the spirits of The Lusty Twelve were sky rocketed.

"Next round Legolas versus Kai." Shouted George as he lined up the shots.

The two elves sat opposite each other challenge and pride evident in their eyes.

"Three, two, one…" Counted down the group in a raucous call.

Legolas and Kai promptly began to down all fifteen shots that were lined in front of them. Kai extremely experienced in the art of drinking beat Legolas by one shot. The afore mention shot, however did not get away as Legolas proceeded to dunk the contents over Kai's immaculate kept hair.

"Hey!" Cried Kai.

"Whoops." Grinned Legolas.

Kai lunged at the Prince overly confident about the fact that he could still walk. Legolas stepped out the way and watched as Kai fell to the ground and promptly passed out.

"One down six to go." Whispered George to himself.

"I think maybe we should move onto the next pub." Suggested Boromir.

"Good plan the stripper is waiting there."

"Stripper!" Shouted Elladan and Elrohir in glee and began a full on sprint to the wormhole.

The rest followed, Merry and Pippin at a slightly slower pace as they dragged Kai along.

…….

"I think you should stick it to Frodo. It will serve him right for fainting constantly." Laughed Galadriel.

"No, no, no I will not let you do that to Mr. Frodo, I will not have you damage his honor with that…that…that." Stammered Sam.

"It's a dildo Sam." Informed Emily bluntly.

Sam fainted.

Arwen and Galadriel continued to giggle as they braided Gimli and Gandalf's hair.

"So what else are we going to do?" Asked Arwen as she finished off a perfect herringbone plat.

"Well the stripper is due any second and then some truth or dare. The two grooms will be sent to bed ready for their big day and then the two parties will join for a game of spin the bottle!"

"Ooooh!" Squealed Arwen in delight. "This is ever so fun, people should get married more often!"

"I do have to admit this is rather enjoyable." Commented Haldir who was reclining peacefully with a rum and coke in his hand

A manly cough was heard coming out from behind a tree. Emily grinned and quickly went to talk to the man behind the tree.

A minute later she emerged.

"Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you…The Stripper!"

Emily took her seat with the others as Hot Chocolate's 'You sexy thing' began.

The stripper stepped out dressed in what seemed to be a mock up of a police uniform.

"Faramir!" Cried Haldir as he turned to Emily. "I cannot see Faramir naked!"

"Why not?" Yelled Emily as Faramir continued to strip divesting himself of his shirt.

"He is Boromir's brother! I cannot see him naked before I see Boromir naked."

"You haven't seen Boromir naked?!"

"We wanted to wait until we were married."

"You really are gay!" Grinned Emily. "Look shut your eyes while us girls have some fun."

And the girls had enormous fun as Faramir continued his extremely alluring strip. It was all Emily, Arwen and Galadriel could do to stop themselves following the hobbits' example and fainting as the Faramir pulled off his red leather thong only to cover his particulars a split second later with his police hat. Faramir took a dramatic bow as the girls whooped and clapped wildly.

 "Can I join the bachelor party now?" Asked Faramir shyly.

"Of course and I promise I won't tell a soul!" Giggled Emily.

"Why did you have to choose Faramir?" Groaned Haldir as he finally opened his eyes.

"Well it was a choice between him and Eomer, and no offence to Eomer but he is hardly David Wenham material!"

"So who is up for some truth and dare?!" Announced Galadriel who was also trying to wake up Gandalf, Gimli, Frodo and Sam from their unconscious states.

……

"Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Cried Elladan as his twin brother lent in to kiss some woman he had met at the bar.

Elrohir distracted by his brother apologized to the woman and went to see what was wrong.

"I was busy!" Yelled Elrohir.

"Dude that was a dude!"

"Huh?"

"You were about to lip lock with a guy!"

"No way!" Elrohir much more used to his father's Dorwinion wine than dwarven ale, which they had been sampling for the last half an hour had led to extremely fuzzy images causing the dude to look like a lady. "Brother I am forever in you debt!" With that the twins return to their drinks, due to potency of which they promptly passed out.

"Another two down." Grinned George

Suddenly familiar striptease music kicked in and an assortment of busty blondes and brunettes surrounded The Lusty Twelve.

"I don't suppose you have arranged any male strippers?" Asked Boromir hopefully.

"This night is not for you it's for your friends!" Laughed George.

Celeborn who seemed to be greatly enjoying himself suddenly joined Elladan, Elrohir and Kai in their unconscious states after spending too long in between a busty blonde's rather ample bust.

"It's just too easy." Smiled George noting the three remaining elves that had yet to collapse.

……

"So you are telling me you and Boromir have never slept together?!" Asked a disbelieving Arwen.

"Never."

"What about when you two went missing after Helm's Deep?" Asked Emily.

"Despite what your brother claims to have heard, nothing happened. We decided to take things slowly due to Boromir's father, when he died we figured we might as well wait till we were married." Replied a gushy Haldir.

"That's so romantic." Grinned Emily.

"What about you and Legolas did you two wait?" Asked Haldir.

Emily tried to suppress her laughter but failed miserably and ended up spitting champagne everywhere. "Sorry. With an elf as insatiable as Legolas I don't think so!"

"I would never expect that of Legolas he seems so stoic!" Giggled Galadriel.

"Don't you believe it! So Glady truth or dare?"

"Urm…I think truth."

"Is it true that you had a fling with one of the wardens?"

"Who told you that?!" Spluttered a shocked Galadriel.

"Is it true?!" Gasped Arwen.

"I'm afraid it is."

"Who was it?!" Asked Haldir who knew all the wardens very well.

"It was…no I really cannot say."

"Come on!"

"Oh alright it was Rumil."

Haldir's eyebrows hit his hairline.

"Grandma!" Gasped Arwen.

"Nice one that Rumil is quite cute!" Laughed Emily. "Ok my turn. Haldir, is it true you have always been gay?"

"I knew I was gay since my majority."

"Why though? I mean the only real big difference between male elves and female elves are the penises since all you male elves are extremely effeminate."

All of a sudden the entire group of The Lusty Twelve including the passed out ones appeared:

"Nothing can defeat the penis!" They cried and just as suddenly disappeared.

"That was weird." Remarked Galadriel.

"What is it with males and their penises?!" Asked an exasperated Emily.

"It's a bit like women and their shoes only on a more personal level." Haldir tried to explain.

……..

"Are you sure this is legal?" Asked Boromir as George led The Lusty Twelve into Middle-earth's first Indian take-away.

"Having a curry is an intrinsic part of a lads night out." Explained George as he ordered twelve uber hot vindaloos. The kind of stuff that leaves your tongue smoking and your eyes watering.

 "I didn't mean the curries I mean that green stuff you are putting into them."

"This Boromir is the good shit and it'll get those final three elves dropping to the floor quicker than a granny on a frosty morning."

"What are you planning?"

"Best you don't know." Grinned George as he handed Legolas, Rumil and Orophen their 'specially prepared' curries. "Enjoy guys!"

Within minutes Orophen and Rumil had joined their lore master, the twins and Kai on the floor with contented smiles on their faces. However, Legolas seemed to be still standing and lacking any sleep inducing side effects. George not to be disheartened increased his efforts ten fold on topping up the elf's drinks but still Legolas remained remarkably composed. It was time for drastic actions.

"Guys I shall be back in a second. Enjoy the various selection of rubber dolls at your disposal." George exited the curry house and jumped in the wormhole.

…….

"How is your love life Arwen?" Asked Emily.

"As sweet and willing as Zombie Aragorn is, it just isn't the same. He can be quite rough at times."

"Maybe it is time I gave Aragorn the benefit of the doubt and came up with a cure for the poor sod. It would a gift from me to my newly acquired kinda half sister." Pondered Emily.

"Oh please do Emily I would be ever so grateful." Arwen's excitement was interrupted by a flustered George.

"That bloody elf of yours will not pass out!"

"What?" Asked a bemused Emily.

"All the other no problem, but no Mr. Ponce of Mirkwood won't fall even after a whole brewery has been poured down his throat. He even is resilient to my weed!" Cried George.

"He may have built up an immunity to that." Admitted Emily guiltily.

"There has to be something that will knock him out!"

"Why don't you just hit him?" Came the surprising response from Frodo.

"No!" Yelled Emily. "Look all you have to do is lace his drink with grapefruit juice."

"What?!"

"I don't know why but one day I gave him some juice and he fell asleep. It is like the total opposite of an aphrodisiac." Emily revealed.

"Emily what can I do to say thank you?!" Asked an elated George.

"You couldn't get me a picture of Kai as well, oh and one of Rumil for Glady!" Emily giggled.

…….

"Hey guys I'm back! Where's Zombie Aragorn." Asked George.

"He went to find some food. Don't worry Pippin went with him." Replied an extremely drunk Merry.

"You left Pippin alone with a hungry cannibal?!" Yelped George.

Merry nodded mutely and went back to his drink.

George shrugged and went to prepare a final cocktail for Legolas.

"I'm getting married in the morning…" Sang an inebriated Boromir. Soon the remaining members of The Lusty Twelve joined in.

"…ding dong the bells are gonna chime!"

"Here you go Legolas get a swig of this!" George offered Legolas a cocktail.

"What's in it?"

"More than you would ever care to imagine!" Grinned George.

Legolas downed the entire concoction and within a minute of consuming it the elf was asleep peacefully under the table.

"Excellent." Smiled George as he looked over the seven sleeping elves. With a grin on his face and a plan on his mind George went in search of the magic bag in need of seven lampposts.

……

"Right Haldir it is time for you to go to bed." Announced Arwen.

"Yes it is your big day tomorrow." Added Galadriel.

"Well technically today." Remarked Emily looking at her watch.

"Don't you ladies stay up too long." Smiled Haldir. "Goodnight." Haldir turned to leave but stopped and regarded Emily. "Emily I would be honored if you would be a grooms maid tomorrow that's if you want to of course."

Emily felt the sudden urge to cry, "Thank you! Of course I'd want to!" Emily hugged Haldir tightly.

"Goodnight Emily." Chuckled Haldir as he unattached the princess of Mirkwood from him.

…….

With the help of George's old friend Yoshie, who returned to the King of Gondor on upon the need to plague Middle-earth with mischief, George managed to drag the seven sleeping elves to the spot where he had placed his seven lampposts.

…….

"Is it time for spin the bottle now?!" Giggled Arwen.

"We have to wait for the guys to…" Emily was interrupted by five of The Lusty Twelve returning.

"Hey guys! Where are all the elves?" Asked Frodo.

George handed two pictures to Emily and one to Galadriel. Laughter ensued.

"You cannot just leave them there." Said Emily between fits of giggles.

"I'm not going back there to get them." Groaned George. "It was hard enough to get them there in the first place!"

"Any volunteers?"

"I'll get them." Came a stern voice.

"Dad!" Welcomed George.

Lord Elrond looked reprovingly at the two parties.

"I think I'll go to bed." Muttered Boromir who quickly disappeared.

"I will not have seven of the most respected elves in Middle-earth left there like that!" Shouted Elrond.

Everyone rose and eyebrow.

"Well maybe not Kai but you know what I mean." Relented Elrond.

"Go ahead then." Said George who was loath to let all his hard work be undone.

"What exactly did you do to them?" Asked Gandalf carefully.

George grinned and pulled out another picture, "I just removed some of their elvish pride."

The entire group all had the decency to turn a rosy pink color as they were confronted with seven naked elves tied to their own individual lampposts.

"I wish I hadn't asked."

"So who is up for some spin the bottle?!" Suggested George.

……

A/N: George: I can't believe you made me do that!

Emily: Granted it was my idea but who could blame me! Fan girls will rejoice.

George: Next chapter the gang will experience spin the bottle and the return of seven red elves.

Emily: Here are the thank yous:

Lil Smartass – Here is your mention oh bossy one! Hug from Kai? Sorry he doesn't hug dwarves.

Meg-the-sexy-beast – Gandalf?! Argh! Thank God we didn't use that idea! Kai will be causing trouble in the upcoming wedding!

Shadowz – Good ol' donkey. Yoshie made a slight cameo but the little bugger has run off again. George says The Rasmus are slightly POPTASTIC.

CourtneyNKay – I'm sure George will get a Lincoln the Third. George is also relieved that he is alive and thanks you for Kay's concern.

Chaotic Jinx – Four reviews! Wow! The Strangers identity will appear at the wedding. The light saber is in the post!

Poolbum – I suppose Haldir naked would also be too much. Good thing he was the only elf to get away with it then.

Limpet666 – Yes you caught our blackadder reference! You sly fox you! Speaking of Faramir this striptease was especially for you.

Pretendingtobesane – Wow we have always wanted one of those! Thank you soooooooooo much!