Title: The Reason

Summary: Another Songfic. I can't help it. They just keep coming. Spike's feelings after he attempted to rape Buffy. A letter written to Buffy.

Dear Buffy,

I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I'm sorry. I really am Buffy. I know that I'm not a man who regrets many things, but this is one thing I do regret. I never wanted to hurt you. I just wanted to show you how much I care. I love you Buffy and sometimes it breaks my heart when I realize that you could never love me. I know that you're right. Nobody should love me like this. But I want to be worthy Buffy, I want you to be able to love me without having to be ashamed of it.

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

So I'm going now. I'm going to change. And I won't come back until you're ready to face me again. I don't want to make it even worse. I will change so that when I return you will accept me again. That's all I ask for. Not your love, or your affection. Just acceptance. I want to belong in your group. By your side. Fighting for a greater cause you opened my eyes up to.

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why I need you to hear

I really love you. Maybe it's true that vampires can't love or aren't supposed to, but you changed me in so many ways. You reached out for me, protected me even when you couldn't stand me. You helped me become a better man, someone who protects people. You trusted me when no one else did. I was allowed to babysit Dawn. The first time you let me do that my dead heart almost skipped a beat. I was worthy.

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You

And I want to be worthy again. I want to be part of your life again. Part of your work if that's all you want to give me.

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

You're the reason for all my changes. You're the reason that I am no longer a mindless vicious killer. I am now a caring vampire, how silly that might sound. I have honor now. I fight for a cause, not just for food. I fight to protect the people I care about. But I know that it's not enough. I can't be around you when I'm one of the people that hurts you. So I'll be leaving soon Buffy. I'll change and I'll show you that I can be everything you want, everything you need; maybe someday...even everything you love.

Love, Spike

Review please!