A 'wacky' Invader Zim fanfic
by J. Random Lurker
Ooouuoh...
My head hurts. Feels like something's jammed behind my eyeballs, trying to cut my brain in half.
What's under me? Metal? Ghh... it's cold... where AM I? What is this sticky crap all over my arms and fingers? Why is there DIRT in my mouth...?
I spit out the crud behind my teeth and sit up. It hurts to move. Maybe if I sit REALLY STILL, I won't aggravate whatever's making my stupid skull feel like exploding. I wish the air would quit using my forehead as a trampoline.
I can hear engines throbbing, bass doom thundering far below me. Everything looks Irken around me. Purple and red and blue lights above; weird shapes and uneven flowing joins in the walls. Zim's ship. Yeah. Must be.
Too bad I can't seem to remember what I'm DOING here. No, seriously- I can't remember! I know we left Earth, and then... ehh? It's gone from there. It's all GONE. All I can get are these vague images of ... bunnies? Brightly colored flying BUNNIES?
...
That CAN'T be right.
I sit up quick, feeling my teeth grinding. /ZIM/! He must have DONE something to me, messed up my head somehow! Some kinda Irken brain-scrambling ray? Was I drugged? Has he decided I'm a prisoner now? I don't even KNOW!
As soon my head clears I'm gonna go find Zim and beat the CRAP out of him for doing ...uh...whatever it is that he did to me! Geez, he can't just go doing... STUFF to me like that!
"HIII! YOU AWAKE NOW?"
Gahhhh! Zim's robot-dog-thingy! He's waving his hand real fast in front of my face and grinning. The fake plastic eye-cups of his dog suit go all googly. My eyes start spasming as my brain tries to explode again from the robot's stupid VOICE. "Gir, please don't SHOUT... mmmf."
So of course Gir chooses to JUMP me, lock his arms around my chest and SQUEEZE until I see spots. "I LOOOOOVE YOU PUPPY DIB!" he bellows in my face, treating me to a full blast of rotten tuna ice cream breath. The felt suit smells mildewy and sour, like it's been locked in a musty old closet for a hundred years.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
".... thass' great Gir... can't -breathe-....!"
"Hee hee. Oops. Master said we could KEEP youu! Like a little doggie! So I got this leash thingy!"
He lets go and I... WAIT, /LEASH!?/ GYAH!! Oh no you...
Before I can do or say ANYTHING Gir whips up and snaps something smooth around my neck, CLICK, and my heart drops into my SHOES. I claw at the collar, but I can't find the release. He giggles, showing me the long black strap connected to it.
Oh, THIS is really great. REALLY great...
The crazy little robot grins at me, holding the strap of the 'leash' in one hand, and leans up to lick my face, slobbering all over me just like a real dog. Then he climbs up on my HEAD and starts snoring. Loudly. Right about now I start thinking I should've just stayed on Earth with Zim's horrible death-machines.
I can see Minimoose, Zim's OTHER psychotic little robot, hovering near, so I throw a look his way, "Uhm... do YOU know what the heck's going on around here?"
SQUEAK!
He drifts over and nudges my cheek with his little nubbly antlers, all but purring. Great. He loves me too. That's great, but...
"WILL SOMEBODY -PLEASE- EXPLAIN WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!" I flail my arms like a crazy guy and immediately regret it. Ow...gyah. Shouldn't be shouting. I guess I just woke Gir again too because I feel him sitting up again and hear him yawning. Unfortunately, he also remembers the strap of the leash that he's holding, and starts GIGGLING again. I was kinda hoping he'd just forget all about it.
And then I hear him squeal, "Les' take doggie for a walk, moose!"
Oh, NO...
He drops off me all the way to the floor and pulls on the leash, giving me a momentarily irritated look over his shoulder when I don't promptly join him. I think about trying to reason with the thing- I'm SO not in the mood for this- but realize the stupid robot wouldn't listen to me anyway.
Sigh. I guess I have to play along. If I try to fight, I'll probably just end up choking myself. Not worth it. I use my hands to help myself off the table. Whooogh. Dizzy... ghhh. Almost fell over there. My legs REALLY don't want to hold me up. I make them, 'cause I don't want to be dragged around by the neck, and I think Gir WOULD, without even batting a fake eye.
"Whooo hooo! I gots me a Dib puppy," he shouts, and starts toddling off to the door. There's definitely serious irony to being led around on a leash by a fake dog, but I don't really want to even think about it all that closely, y'know...? The moose drifts over a few inches to the left of me and hovering along there.
This is just fantastic. Just GREAT.
Man, I REALLY hope Zim doesn't see me like this...
... Who am I kidding?
... This is gonna SUCK.
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