AUTHOR: ForeverCarby
SUMMARY: What were Abby's thoughts at the end of Now What? How will she get through this second bombshell?
CATEGORY: Drama/Angst
RATING: PG-13 just a few 'uck's'
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Bonjour!Hello! It's me again, after a very long hiatus I'm back. With yet more delightful ever so satisfying good old Abby Angst! So basically lets tell the story of how this came about. It's the holidays and so that mean re-runs of ER. But instead of the old stuff, it's the latest season e.g. 10. So I saw Now What? Again and watching the end just got me thinking. Carter left again. Leaving Abby. But you see we never get to see what Abby's reaction is to that. So here it is. What might have been going on in her head. This is teetering very near the edge of the first few chapters of Glass, but I like writing about the whole Carter leaving thing, I feel so passionately against it. This is a single chapter, I'm not following it up, as I think anything more would spoil it. So no blackmail, pleading or anything, unless of course you buy me chocolate…actually even that won't buy me into writing another chapter!
Bjork & David Arnold's Play Dead Influenced me massively whilst writing the whole of this, so I immediately suggest you download this song and listen to it first. Not just for the Lyrics but the beautiful musical talents of both Bjork and David.
Darling stop confusing me
with you're wishful thinking
hopeful embraces don't you understand?
I have to go through this
I belong to here
Where no cares and no one loves
No light no air to live in
A place called hate
The city of fear.
"I can't keep doing this"
I can feel the words catch in my throat, like a badly played music tape. Only this one you can't rewind.
Why is it always like this, why dammit, cant I have a normal relationship, why cant we have a normal relationship? It was all going fine until, Eric. I shouldn't blame it on my brother but I have to to, it's like I'm paying him back for all this.
I stand there in the middle of the sidewalk. It's beginning to rain as I watch him retreat back to where he thinks is the place he can get away from it all. Just leave me here to cope why don't you? But wait, memories don't ever leave you.
I turn, still with my arms folded. I can feel my eyes burning. Not now Abby, just wait. I burst through the ER doors, not taking any notice of anything. They've just brought a trauma in. I don't even hear weaver calling my name. I push through the crowded hallways, my arms unfolded from the strangling embrace of my chest and burst through the door to the toilets.
Oh for fucks sake not again. I open the door to a rather bewildered builder.
I round the corner, and see the door to the disabled toilets, I know I shouldn't go in there but it's my only retreat, as I'm this close to falling apart. I lock the door. I crack. My cheeks are on fire, the tears burn tiny crevices into my cheeks, I've been holding far too much in all day. My breath is getting way out of control, my chest is heaving, my mouth open wide, my jaw cracks, I'm screaming but no sound comes out. What is wrong with me? Leaning against the door I walk forward and rest my forehead on the cold tiled wall, beating it with my fist, can't it just go away? I don't know what to do with myself, I crouch down, sit on the floor, I back up against the wall, and pull my knees to my chest pressing my eyes on them, I try to calm myself, regain normal breathing, it's impossible, I can't stop, the sobs, are painful cries. I'm alone now, In this world of bitterness.
I play dead
it stops the hurting
I play dead
And the hurting stops
"Time of death…8:33 pm" God, This day started off so well, for me that is, and now It's completely and utterly crashed. First off Abby has been kinda upset with Carter, although I know she's being all tough about it and all, but I know it's really hurting her inside. And then with the news of Luka's death, my god, Luka…I can't believe it. I just don't know what to say. He was such a quiet person, he kinda kept himself to himself, but still, he was a nice guy, and to go like he has, I dread to imagine. But at least it might have been while doing a job he loved. He's in a better place.
I peal my gloves off while weaver switches all the monitors off, and cancels out the piercing beep.
"Nice try Susan" Weaver smiles tiredly at me.
"Hmm" We stand opposite each other across the bed. The 20-year-old woman silent between us.
"You see Abby when we brought her in?" She asks gesturing to the patient.
"No…" I say, having thought about it, I did hear Kerry call her name, and no response given.
"Oh…don't worry" She peels off her gloves as well.
" No why?" I push.
"She looked upset that's all" Kerry pushed her glasses on top of her head and passed the chart for signing to Susan.
"Oh, it's probably cause of the phone call earlier" I say my voice quieter than expected.
"I just can't believe it"
"Me neither" I sign the chart and hand it back over to Kerry when Malik bursts in.
"Hey, sorry, but err, you guys seen my black hockey bag anywhere? Someone has stolen it from the lounge"
Kerry and I look at each other bewilderedly.
"No...." I venture
"How do you know it was stolen?" Kerry asks
"All the stuff I had inside it was on the floor"
"Oh" I say dumbly. Kerry looks at me for a moment.
"I saw Carter in the drug lockup with a large black holdall, he was filling it with supplies. I said what he was doing he said I should bill him later."
It clicked… "Where's Abby?" I ask heading for the door, Malik and Weaver looking confused.
"No idea" Mailk shrugs.
I head out the trauma room and go to the desk.
"Hey Chuny" I call to her. She's sitting down reading over a chart chewing the end of a pen. She looks up at me.
"You seen Abby?" I ask briskly.
"Nuh huh" She shakes her head.
"Why?"
"No reason" I say pushing the lose strands of my hair back into place.
"Um, is Abby the nurse, she has blonde hair right?"Neela speaks up
"Yeah, You seen her" I ask
"Try the loo's she went in that direction"
I leave both Neela and Chuny in confusion and head in the direction of the loos. Knowing immediately, due to past experience, the normal toilets were not there, I go to the small door, to the left side of the corridor, the one I was…erm...yeah in this morning. It's locked.
"Abby?" I ask tentatively. I hear a shuffle and the toilet flushing.
"Abby its Susan." Without warning the lock slides from red to green and the door bursts open. First thing I realise is that what I thought. Carter has gone. Again. And secondly she's been crying hard.
"Ab?"
"Oh hey, suse… Yeah gotta go my shifts over."
The look on her face tells me everything, fact is, she doesn't even look me in the eye. I stand there stupidly for a second before I realise she's walking away from me.
"Abby" I call her; I receive the glances of Jing-mei and frank. Okay so lets not make a scene then.
I glare at frank for staring at us, and then I see the lounge door swing shut.
I fiddle with the lock damn thing won't open, what was my code again? 3-25-8? No 3-52-8? Oh open will you I mumble.
"Abby?"
Ah… "What" I sniff a little too obviously wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.
" You okay?" She stands by the door looking a little nervous, why? Why what could I do to….
"Me Okay?! " I lash out, turning to look at her, someone's gonna get it and I'm sorry it's gonna be you susi. "Do you honestly think, after the whole of today that I am fine? Look at me Susan, look at me I'm a state, admit it…" I pause she looks hurt.
"Abby no…it's just"
"Just what? That I need a shoulder to cry on, need a friend, well look at this huh, Carter, comes back to me this morning, saying he missed me, missed me, he was the one who left in the first place…he wanted to get away from it all. Anyway, he has the nerve to be a complete jerk to me today, and then we get the damn call. Luka, Luka…" My voice wobbles "Luka is dead. He died, and that's just where my long-standing ex-boyfriend has just gone. Back to that damn Congo, to save Luka, Luka, is dead what can he do, and if he goes out there and gets killed, Do you know what that will do to me?! I didn't even say goodbye, he didn't even smile at me once today…and..and…"
That's it. And Susan's arms are around me. I cry, I really truly cry. I really do need Susan right now, and i'm so glad she's here. We stand in the middle of the lounge, she sways side to side, and I can feel her tears as well. She's crying for Luka, crying for me. We stand like this for quite a while. When my breathing slows my chest isn't heaving anymore, I break free from her embrace and smile wearily at her.
"Thank you"
She smiles in return; I think I know what's coming.
"You wanna come round tonight?" "Susan I couldn't, I can't"
"Why not?" She asks
I look at her; hard….she seems to understand then. I brush my eye with my fingers, my hand shaking slightly.
"But if you wanna talk, preferably not yell, at me." She adds rubbing the top of my arm. " You know where to find me."
"Thank you" I whisper
All I am now is angry. I'm so stupidly pathetic. He's just a guy I keep reminding myself. He's just another name on the ever-growing list of failed romances. But that's why it's so hard. We so nearly had it. That damn ring. Ergh, it's all in the past. He was the only guy, I felt sure with, that's why Abby, you couldn't say you loved him; too fucking scared, weren't you. Shut up conscience I never asked for your opinion. And as I turn the key in the lock of my door. I just want to go away. Leave all this. I want to start anew. Why do I have to be silly angsty Abby? Conscience is right; It's all in the past. I'm living the past. I'm known for not succeeding, because I can't move on, take when I went to med school….Med school…and just cause I didn't have the money, I didn't go back, and oh I can't be bothered to list the things. You know I'm gonna go back to work next week, and I'm gonna be different I'm gonna change my life and drastic as it sounds, I'm sick and tired as living as I am.
I chuck my rain soaked coat off onto the sofa, bag and keys following suit, and get a glass of water, heading to my room, not bothering to turn any lights on. I put my stereo on, Loud, placing my glass on the chest of drawers next to the bowl. Huh, funny, I pick up the key that only this morning still belonged to Carter. I throw it back, perhaps Susan could have it, and she can drop by when she wants. I shuck of my top, and again rain soaked trousers, chucking them on the back of my chair, in my underwear I stand at the end of my bed, still staring at that damn bowl, it looks just like it did this morning. I walk backwards until the backs of my knees hit the edge and I fall backwards onto the bed. My arms out to the sides.
Carter. I wonder what it will be like when he gets back. Will we talk? Will we get back together? I doubt it, but I wonder how much we both will have changed. Willhe haved changed. Possibly not.
God, I couldn't get much more naive.
I close my eyes. It's better this way.
it's sometimes just like sleeping
curling up inside my private tortures
I nestle into pain
Hug suffering
Caress every ache
I play dead
It stops the hurting