Some may have read this already under the pen name FFgal. Yup! That's me! I'm transfering some of my stories to my new pen name so bear with me.
This is in Quistis' pov again. I guess I like writing about the way she feels; her sadness. And blah are her thoughts. Anyways, you can't sue me 'cause I'm not claming ownership to this game, producer, and it's characters. Tough luck, huh?
Door
He walked out the door without turning back. I watched him go. In my heart I wanted to hold on, to keep him there. But I knew from the beginning, ever since I took the risk of wanting him, that he will never belong to anybody----- not really. In my heart, I ached. I thought it would hurt more, but for some reason, it didn't. What did hurt me is the fact that he still thought of her, after all she's done to him. The fact that whatever I do will never be good enough for him.
Reality sucks,
I know. Life was meant to be unfair.
We walked in the empty Training Center. Only monsters dwelled here. At this point in our relationship, he still thought that a good fight is what's needed in a date. After going here most of the time for our dates, I've come to realize what he felt during our fights in here. The tense, the sweat, the adrenaline, the release. Or maybe it was just his way to let go some of his frustration about something. I didn't let it bother me. What mattered to me at that time was the fact that he was with me, and he wasn't going anywhere. For some reason, I contradict those feeling, thinking that they won't last. I've come to appreciate one thing about our dates here in the Training Center. After all the fighting, we'd always end up in the Secret area. We'd still have the adrenaline from the fight. Because of that, he'd always feel so alive. He became spontaneous and crafty. I loved it! We walked hand in hand inside the Secret area. He looked around, and surprisingly, there was no one there. He turned around to face me. He looked deep into my eyes. I simply stared back at his blue eyes; eyes that felt cold to those who doesn't know him, but warmth to me. The way he looked at me always made me feel so special; that only I deserve him. He held me by the shoulder and slowly pulled me closer to him, and into a warm hug. A million thoughts came into my mind. Even at the time, this was a surprising move for him. All his past smiles, and nice gesture, felt so empty, but this—it felt real. It felt so good, so good that fear entered my mind.
What's making him act this way?
He released his hug and his warmth left me as the freezing wind of the area chilled my spines. He caressed my hair and felt it between his gloved fingers. I've felt his skin only once, I yearned to feel it once more. He leaned closer to me, and did something that felt so real. I felt his lips softly against mine as he pulled me into a deep and passionate kiss. All thoughts, doubts and worries left me as I tried to instill every contact into my mind to preserve it. He'd leave my lips once in a while only to whisper my name, and I whispered his. For some reason, hearing my name coming from his lips felt greater and had more importance to me than the kiss itself. The fact that it was my name he said, meant that I wasn't dreaming: it's me, not her. It felt good.
"Rinoa........."
I stopped the moment I heard that name. I always knew that this was too good to be true.
He's too good to be true.
I tried my best to push him away as gently as possible. I didn't want him to see that I was hurt, that I was weak and jealous. But it was impossible. My mind knew the pain my heart felt and it acted on its own accord. The sound of his voice told me that he was surprised of my sudden actions.
"What's wrong?" I've always thought that voice of innocence never suited him.
How dare he use it on me.........
"I'm.........sorry? If I've done something wrong, I'm sorry."
That was the funniest yet the saddest thing he's said all night. The fact that maybe he was even attempting to hide it was funny. But if he was telling the truth, and he doesn't even know what he does when he's with me, clearly meant that his mind was somewhere else. Somewhere that didn't involve me in it. The fact that who was on his mind was never me, whenever we were together. He still held the hope that she would come back; that she would love him again.
Why doesn't he realize that it's me? It's always been me.
"I need to go." Where? I didn't know.
I've gotten used to being with you, that I've forgotten life without you in the picture.
But I guess he was never really there.
I stopped. I looked at my left arm only to find his hand. His simple touch stopped me without struggle.
"Why?"
I guess he really didn't know.
The look in his eyes told me that he spoke the truth. He looked as if he was sad. I was too, because
the truth hurts, doesn't it?
"Your kiss means nothing when it's her name you whisper"
I decided to just answer his question. An answer, I myself, didn't want to believe. As I walked towards the door, he blocked my path.
"Wait!"
He hugged me again, this time from behind. I felt the same warmth in this hug as the last time. He whispered in my ear.
"Tell me. Before you leave, at least tell me why."
"Rinoa......... You brought her here too, didn't you?"
It was more of a statement than a question. And her name took so much effort to say.
"Yes. Is this about her?"
he looked at his shoes as it was moistened by the dew on the grass. Why not look at me?
"Everything about you is about her too."
My voice rose. I didn't mean it. But I couldn't help it.
"I can see it in your eyes. Everywhere you look reminds you of her. Sure I never show any concern for it, but it's hard not to."
My eyes became watery without me knowing it.
"I've always known that I can never replace her, so why delve deeper into something that isn't there? It's like our relationship: it never meant to exist."
I knew my heart didn't feel the same way.
It never did. If I ever lied, it was mostly to myself.
"Is that how you see things, Quistis? You think that you're just a replacement? Is that it?"
Why is it now that he starts knowing how I feel? He could've started from the beginning.
"Well think again!"
He grabbed me, though not roughly, by the shoulders and brought me closer.
"I know I don't say it, sometimes, I may not even show it, but I--well, I adore you."
Adore me?
"I know, it's stupid. I can't even share my feelings if it meant my life."
You showed it to her. You risked your very life for her, but you can't do it anymore now that she's gone? Is that it?
He wiped my tear away with his own cheeks. His too were wet.
Is he crying?
Never have I witnessed him cry. Although I knew he cried for her, but I never saw it. Just the thought of him crying breaks my heart, especially when it was meant for her.
But I was always there to help him. It's always been me, but he never noticed until she was gone.
It didn't matter, as long as I was with him.
That's another lie.
I needed more.
"I love you, Quistis."
I wanted to kiss him right there and then. I wanted to show to him that I never doubted him and his love. I wanted to. But what difference would that make?
Should I give it a try?
I closed the gap between us and dug my face unto his chest and started crying.
Why am I crying?
I didn't know. Hearing those words should have been the happiest thing that ever happened to me.
Why can't I stop?
Because I never ever want to let go. I was afraid; afraid that my mind knew that nothing would change; afraid that my heart felt that his will belong somewhere else.
He can't help it.
I love you too, I always have.
There was no need to say it. He'd known for a very long time. I've told him many times. But I'll say it again, my voice muffled.
"I love you too, I always have."
But.........
Yes, 'but', the great equalizer.
But what?
Silence; it's hell to those not used to it, paradise to those who yearn it, but awkward at situations such as this. A muffled whimper came out of my mouth. I had trouble saying what I needed to say.
Try again!
"I can't............"
I didn't see it but he looked down at me.
"You can't? You can't what?"
.........love you.
But that would be another lie. I've said too much of those already tonight. Instead,
"I can't be with you, Squall."
I hid my face deeper into his soft shirt. I didn't want him to see me like this. I struggled, again, with the words I needed to say.
It's too hard to bear.
"This is too hard to bear. I'd do anything for you, but telling you that it didn't matter to me how you really feel and that I accept being second best, would be a downright lie."
My sob became louder.
"I don't want to lie anymore, Squall."
Your words of love won't matter to me when while you sleep, you dream of her.
"I don't............"
"This-can't be...how you feel?!"
His muscle tensed. I felt his body as he trembled, I felt his heart beat faster.
".........Quistis?"
"This is for the best."
Since when did I know what was good for me?
"I—this—I need you. I don't know what else to do Quistis! You're scaring me!"
He hugged me even tighter, not wanting to let go.
"I don't know what else to do... I don't know what I'll do without you."
He too sobbed.
"I don't want to experience that, Quistis."
His voice trembled. He sounded so scared. Just like when we were little back at the orphanage, when I calmed Squall whenever he'd cry. Just like an older sister.
"Quistis? This-can't be. Right?"
I closed my arms around him and hugged even tighter. Nothing could pull us apart now.
Nothing.
We stood there, in the Secret area, under the moonlit night. The light of the moon reflected from my tears. It fell to the ground, shining like diamonds. Silence; it's hell to those not used to it, paradise to those who yearn it, but for me, it's enough. A few minutes of silence with the man you love meant more than any word in the world.
He whispered in my ear, afraid to break the beautiful silence.
"I love you Quistis."
I looked at him. He looked up at the moon. I saw a single tear fall from his cheeks and into my lips.
"But I'll wait. I'll show you, time will only strengthen my love for you."
He put his arm around me. I felt protected.
"If that's what you want, nothing else matters. I'll give it to you. Someday.........I'll show you, that you're the only one."
He opened the gap between us. The warmth left me again. He turned away and as he walked, he raised his hand from behind and gave me his goodbye.
"This is not goodbye Quistis."
He was gone, and left me with an open door.
Don't go.
My voice failed me, and those words remained as thoughts.
When he was out of sight, that's when I started to wonder.........
Was what I did a mistake?
NOTE: I wanted to try a different style than what I had before. I just want feedback if this is effective or not.