Disclaimer: Fox still has everything related to the O.C. and I still don't own anything. Sucks huh?!

Author's note: I'm so sorry for the long wait, but I think I have a good excuse. When I went on vacation to Holland, I decided to stay. So I'm thinking emigration is enough for you guys to forget how long I kept you waiting. Sorry though, here's Ch 8, I hope you like it. Thanks again to my wonderful beta-reader angel, if she wasn't constantly pestering me I probably would've taken longer. You guys have been great for sticking by the story (if there's still anyone out there remotely interested that is lol), please review again, it really makes my day. Read on please…

Lost In Babylon

Ch 8

You'll never see the courage I know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow -- the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgments made on you

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention – to you

You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie

Never Is A Promise – Fiona Apple

I never speak to the other patients, wanting to distinguish myself from all the crazies roaming the place beside me. Call it arrogance or foolishness even, but I feel that I still hold a modicum of sanity in my grasp…and I sure as hell am not going to allow the lot of them to take those cunning slivers away from me. Best to stay delusional, best to stay standing on your toes and see how long you can hold out for. I might surprise everyone. Hell, I might surprise myself, and ever since I've been trapped between these sickly green walls, I've decided I enjoy surprises more than anything.
I learn from extremes, from watching how the sane people live…how they move about and act. The ones with the freedom to walk away from these sickening smells at the end of the day, they are the ones who hold my future in their eyes. I sit quietly, studying the guards and nurses. Trying to remember gestures and expressions…but then I sense that I was higher up the chain. Perhaps more privileged in my ways.
I slide off to the bathroom, eyed closely by fat Bertha (or whatever this one's name might be) as she fingers her gleaming mocking badge. My fingers skim the mirror's surface, and I simply close my eyes. The cold sterile light shines harshly through my closed eyelids, but I feel more mellow somehow. Like everything is still one shade softer than it had been before. Like I'm outside in the cement garden again with Seth, only there's no interruption. No harsh hurtful noises to cut into my dream. Better yet, no reality to go back to…to drown into. Nothing but the cool brisk air around us and those few persistent daffodils that dared to brave this cold new world.
"You're gorgeous."
I hear odd echoes of far away voices tell me this repeatedly. With not much meaning but conviction nonetheless. I smile a little to myself, attempting to go off into some sort of soul-searching séance right here in the ladies room.
"I'm lucky, you know."
I remember someone familiar saying that, more feeling this time around, and I squint my eyes to glance at my face again. To glimpse at all the feelings showing through my skin. I wish I could tell the difference between joy and ignorance, but my mind is disappointing me again.

"They don't get to see how gorgeous you are when no one's looking anymore.."

Cohen… I think suddenly, and stuff comes unstuck for some reason. I smile coyly, like he's standing in front of me, smiling back…waiting to be kissed. I've almost forgotten his taste and my stomach churns with fright, I wish he'd come and kiss me dizzy so I'd memorize it all again. I'm so much better at remembering this time around, I'd prove myself, my gorgeous secret worth.

Fat Bertha coughs loudly, and yet I can't for the life of me muster up any annoyance towards her. I'm too giddy, too overwhelmed by my own séance-holding powers. I snicker softly, he's going to come and brighten up this shit hole. Maybe I'll be bold today and try and kiss him again. I don't even mind when Bertha drags me out of the ladies room, irritated mumblings slipping out of her deformed wide face. I peek at her for a moment, ignoring the painful hold she has on my arm. Ignoring what any other respectable nutjob would be feeling, as I give her a snide smile. I tilt my head a little, scrutinizing her until her white uniform seems to dissolve and she's nothing but an ugly woman in a pissy mood.

I'm gorgeous, and man does it suck to be you…

I gasp softly, oh my god… she might've heard me. And I frantically start to doubt if I spoke out loud or not, when I see her smile back at me with barely hidden malice. I'm dragged to her nurses' cart, and she holds up a cup for me to take. I cringe instantly, not now I beg mutely…not now…not when he's coming in less than an hour. Not when things were going good for me.
No bravery left in me to rebel, I drop the pills into my mouth and wash them down with water. Fat Bertha being the evil wench she is, checks to see if I have really swallowed them, and then proceeds to grunt triumphantly. Maybe she felt the reach of my victory, and wanted it for herself, sparkly shreds of someone I might've liked being once upon a time. With my superior air fizzing out around me, abandoning me like it always has, I shakily roam my way around the common room. Despite my usual resentment, my pain feels duller now – less droning, less sharp -- and perhaps I should be grateful in a way.

Silently I take in the pitiable images surrounding me. A petite young girl bumps into another patient, and screams burst out of her as she start clawing at her own arms. Sad tuffs of dirty yellowish hair shield her deathly pale face, incoherent murmuring and shrieks seem to be only sign of life as she acts like the momentary touch burned her skin. Idly, I wonder what happened to her, but a cold fear slithers along my spine. Maybe nothing happened. Maybe she can't remember either. Maybe…

I hush my fearful thoughts, petrified by what the answers could be. My head desperately buzzes all unwanted probabilities out of the way, while I return to the art of avoiding any and all human contact in some sort of dazed reflex. I'll ask the Doctor when I see him later, but my stomach twists when I realize the fuzzy pills will probably erase all of these wishful thoughts from my head once I can see him.

A grim smile flashes in my direction, and a pair of burly hands grab hold of me. I instinctively shrink away at the sign of all this white, but can't find a way to escape the large mass of muscle cornering me. The orderly pushes me along narrow green hallways, and my head is bubbling over with questions. The pills must have settled in my brain, since I can hardly find a reason for my kidnapping. The white coat barks some inexplicable instructions at me, to which I only blink as he dashes out of the hallway again and leaves me behind. I finger the peeling paint beside me, and lean myself further against the wall, unsure of what I am supposed to be doing here. Voices ooze out into the hallway, and I can almost feel my eyes lighting up in recognition. I press myself closer to the wall, unsure of where its coming from, but certain of how calm I feel because of its tone.

"I've told you what my decision is, she would want this. The girl I knew," he stammers gently, and swiftly amends himself, "know…" his tone is soft again, and I glance around in haste while trying to find his face, but all I'm met with are green walls. For once I feel some remorse at the lack of white in these halls. "I just want your honest professional advice, but don't expect to change my mind." He sounds so stern, damn…I wish I could see his face, I bet it would be handsomely flustered. I smile to myself and try to not think about how it felt kissing him.

"Look I really can't think of another way of explaining this to you. She doesn't realize how profound her past has been, how important it is. And perhaps that's why she isn't making any constructive efforts to get it back. The past including you and all the other things she might have experience once her disease started to take over."

I push myself off into a hazy stumble in search of some sort of room where they must be hiding, and idly think I shouldn't have had my meds with so little food in my system. I grin at my own apt observation, and luckily a soft light catches me at the end of the hallway. The voices are louder now, and my excitement grows as I sneak up on them.

I have never seen the old man looking so frustrated, maybe this was the first time he was encountering confusion he couldn't help fix. He seems more fragile somehow, like he'd lost that heady glow he had always possessed. The words rush past me in a jumble, and I try not to get distracted but my madness never listens to me. A part of me feels guilty for adding another wrinkle line to my Doc's kind face, making me wish he wouldn't worry about me. I'm used to being this way.

"It's not something she has a grasp on like healthy people have, she can't just think back to fond memories. Not after the extent of the trauma she's experienced. You might not have realized, but she's always been ill, Mr. Cohen. And the loss of her father was the last drop."

"I know, I realize she's not well. But you of all people have to admit that my visits have been helping. She wasn't like this…" Seth pauses a moment, looking so tormented as if he is trying his damnedest not to go back to whatever dark place his mind took him. I feel wretched once more. A little part of me wanting to leave, while the rest of me wants to know what they mean.

"Yes, your visits help, but what you are suggesting to do can do more harm than good. It's too drastic and too soon, Mr. Cohen. And as a professional, and Summer's doctor, I'd have to honestly discourage it."

Seth wasn't to be deterred though, and he shakes his head with passionate vigour that makes my stomach do somersaults along with my head. "You don't understand," and I feel breathless by his confusion, as if he were a kindred spirit all along. "In the beginning, she wasn't like this, she was barely in there. But now, Dr. Van Dale, I can almost see Summer behind her eyes."

His hand comes up to delve into his complicated curls, and I bite my lips, not wanting to miss a beat. "If my visits did that, then why stop there…why can't…"

"Summer!" Doctor Van Dale bellows all of a sudden, and I almost lose my footing in the utter shock of it all. I try to grin, but the mortified expression plastered on both men's face scares the smile right out of me. "Hi," I murmur, and attempt a wave, but only stumble some more. First my mind, then my poise…I think bitterly, and tentatively move further into the Doc's office while avoiding everyone's gaze like a pro. "Was just a bit earlier today," but I quickly swallow whatever weird choked laugh wanted to come out of me when I catch the crushed expression on Seth's face.