Disclaimer: Life sucks, I have nothing but my lame fantasies of being in Adam Brody's lovechain. Perhaps even his E! True Hollywood story if I could get a little luck come my way.

Author's Note: Honestly, I've been insanely busy so I hope this wait wasn't too bad. I hope what I was trying to get across did come through. Newport isn't kind for the crazies, and it's even crueller to this poor fanfic writer wannabe. I hope you'll all read and review, thank you for sticking by this fanfic. I appreciate it, and I'll unravel some more of the plot in the next chapter. I have some more surprises in store for you, I hope my updating skills will improve by then. ^-^ This is dedicated to the ever fab Maroon 5, (especially my yummilicious drummerboy Ryan) for the best concert Amsterdam has seen in ages. Oh, and Adam even sang "Brown Sugar" for me, I got a wink and a smile from Mickey. Okay, lol enough groupie business, they just rock!

Lost In Babylon 

Ch 11

Fumbling through your dresser drawer, forgot what I was

Looking for

Try to guide me in the right direction

Making use of all this time

Keeping everything inside

Close my eyes and listen to you cry


I'm lifting you up

I'm letting you down

This is not goodbye she said

It is just time for me to rest my head…

Must Get Out – Maroon 5

During the drive to the airport I try for distraction, losing myself in the hum of the engine, the swish of the wind waving me off as we sweep further from the building I've grown so bitterly accustomed to. I can't make myself take in the scenery, and all I allow myself to recognize is the wiggling in my belly, something I faintly identify as anticipation. I feel like I'm about to receive some gift but I can't seem to remember what the occasion is. I glance at Seth, his eyes transfixed on the traffic buzzing around us, and I long to touch his face. I don't know why I don't, my hesitation seems too pressing in a way and I wonder if I shouldn't push my luck with him. Things have been too easy with him, his devotion too generous. My brain purrs with answers to my insecurity, he's your husband…he loves you…he rescued you. And in a flash, I'm content again, or so I'd desperately love to be.

He's so silent that I don't speak either, and everything feels blurry and unclear. The thought strikes me that his nerves have finally raced up to the surface, and I feel a dull sense of guilt somewhere underneath my skin. We are shuffled on board, and as the plane loses its head in the clouds my emotions soar and plummet according a mad woman's whims. I finger the little window and have a staring contest with the sun, making the rest of me suddenly feels at peace again.

"Do you recognize anything," I turn back to him and watch him smile playfully. My stomach tightens, and I pray it doesn't show. I wish he wouldn't talk of memories, but brush my awkwardness off again.

"Yeah Cohen, now that you mention it, the sky looks kinda familiar." I smirk and hope my eyes are mimicking the lightness dancing in his, pleasing him with what a normal person would do. Joke, right? I glance back at my wedding band, and notice that his has returned to his finger as well. It looks nice there, and I hope I don't do anything to make it leave his finger again.

I'm quiet once more, but it's not as easy as before and I ponder how fresh the air outside my little window is. If it's dreadfully cold out there, I suck in a breath and give another weak smile.

It's one of those moments where sane people would ramble about nothing to fill in the oddly empty air. And I get a sense that he'd like me to do the same. To fulfil my promise, prove that his actions were well worth the effort. Showcase my potential of the wife he bargained for. He turns his pretty head my way, and I want to whisper that he shouldn't try to fix me, I'm not that far gone anymore. A little frayed and torn at some places, but nothing too bad I hope. I want to make desperate promises, but I remain mute because even though it isn't the easiest route, it sure does feel a lot lighter than pretending normalcy.

I don't believe them, a fellow patient had scratched into her own thigh with her nails one randomly gray day. An insanely agonizing thing to do to yourself, the nurses has murmured amongst themselves in their usual loud voices. I had watched her sitting there, wondering what had been said to her, what she was rebelling against. How luxurious all that pain must have made her feel, since I hadn't felt anything for so long. I had fantasized about re-igniting the pink scars at my wrists, testing my own bravery, and facing the bright color of my own blood again.

Once I had almost gathered the nerve to ask her why she had needed to remind herself in such a painful way. Was it really so easy to forget what she felt to be the truth? Yet I never dared, especially since my own mind was always playing tricks on me. I wasn't one to talk.

I don't know why I'm thinking of that woman right now. All I can understand is, that right now believing that my wish has come true is nearly hurting me psychically. I can feel old wounds throb in bitter accusation.

Seth reaches for my hand, and I realize he's the one who needs reassurance here. I've been in this situation before, biting my tongue for the sake of not scaring him off. I'm certain his presence will be all the intoxication my madness will need these days. Just be cool. Don't blow this, my head growls at me. The plane lands into sheer sunshine, and I don't feel so cold anymore. I can swear I almost heard the ocean, perhaps surviving another December was all I had to do.

"Are you tired?" he asks tenderly, and his fingers intertwine with mine as we leisurely stroll among the crowd of normal people scurrying beside us. Before I can answer, he declares quickly, "You get to be honest with me." I smile for him when his tone goes playful, and try to hide my fatigue. I never knew it was this hard, smiling when you don't understand the curves of it.

"I'd like to go home."

Seth tucks a strand of hair behind my ear, and gently cups my cheek. I feel so tiny afterwards, like my madness won't fit inside of me for much longer. I want to share my strange thought but I wonder if this delicate man could handle it at all.

He nods solemnly, and I detect a hint of pride glinting in his chocolate chip eyes. Perhaps my boy loves the word as much I do, and I hope I'll remember to use it some more. Seth's hand glides down my back, guiding me to this place that adds so much to his already breezy eyes. I lick my lips and suppress these feelings fluttering in my stomach.

With a certain urgency, Seth glances down at his watch, and we abruptly stop walking as he rummages through his travelling bag. I idly flick my gaze at it, an odd sensation grabbing me by the throat…

Deja vu has a bitter aftertaste, I tell myself silently and try not to worry despite my trepidation. His hand re-emerges, and there between his elegant fingers, the image of an ugly yellow pillbox rips apart any safety net I was holding onto. I knew my wishes were futile, in one mean moment, his face turns to regret as he catches my gaze.

"Look, Summer…this doesn't mean," Seth's wavering tone isn't as adorable as I had remembered, and I hold up my hand to stop him from speaking. "Please," I say with my quivery smile, the one I'm certain no one could ever be convinced by.

"I'm used to it." I never knew how pitiful that was until I say it out loud like that. From the look on his face, it doesn't make him feel any better either. I run my hand through my hair, and bolster myself to look him in the eye. I feel like bleeding but smirk instead, and it's almost like the prospect of my old routine was chasing away what little sanity I had gathered. It doesn't matter though, I command myself, I'm adamant to fool everyone, and above all myself, so I brightly say, "Really, it's fine. I should've known that wasn't going to change." But I hadn't known at all, and he sees it too… I feel like crying again. But I don't cause I don't do failure, not in public any way. I never fall apart beyond the borders of my own mind.

The air zings with tension, and I try my best to bleakly shake it off of me like water. I don't dare ruin this before I've even had a chance to see the beach. I really want to see something beautiful, feel warm again. Though, at the same time, a part of me wants to smack him for putting me in my place again. My violent side never gets what it wants, and I swallow any snide remarks I might have shot at dear old hubby. Traitor, muted voices hiss at me, and I obediently hold out my hand, sure to avoid his look. I will not save him from his own guilt, I refuse to, since it's what he should be feeling in my opinion.

Just as I discreetly pop a pill into my mouth and wash it down, I notice two people. A man and a woman, I could swear it looks like they are eyeing us from afar. It isn't exactly natural the way they are huddled together, whispering to each other, as they frantically look away and then glance back at us. I decide to chart it to New World paranoia on my part, reasoning that I haven't found my footing yet. And perhaps I did need that little white pill as badly as everyone thinks, but the situation shifts when I see them don bashful smiles and come our way. Seth seems to notice them just as they are a few steps away. His expression is hard to read, until he doesn't do his best to suppress the frustrated groan that escapes him. I give him an odd look, but he seems too preoccupied with shooting daggers at the pair of them.

"Sum!" The tall woman says way too enthusiastically, and I give her a blank look as she comes walking toward us. I feel the ease that was coming over me instantly dwindle at the sight of her, the prospect of failure hiding in the hopeful smile she's sending me. I lower my eyes, hoping she'll get the hint. I wasn't built to be subtle, and a part of tells me I am not always kind either.

"Uhm, hi Summer." She tries to amend, but she's still just this long stem of awkwardness if you ask me. I glance in Seth's direction, leaning further into his arm, and notice he's exchanging looks with this woman. "I don't know you." I bark at her, pushing her away from my territory, reminding her who is standing in curly boy's embrace. He's the only person I really know in this world, I can't lose my grip now. I frantically finger my wedding band, petrified it might've dissolved in the presence of competition.

That's when my gaze lands on the serious looking man beside her, I notice his hand on her back… the way that Seth always seems to guide me along as well. I'm relieved, something I only used to feel through medication only. I wouldn't have wanted to scratch her eyes out, she seems like such an innocent. I take down the malice in my stance a notch, and let myself take them both in.

"So," I twirl my hand at them, "who are you?" Seth mutters my name, and I realize I don't like being treated like an insolent child. How did he expect me to react, after he had freed me from my cage? There had been a reason I was put there in the first place. I glare at him for good measure, and then return my eyes back to this intriguing pair.

The brooding man lets a smirk glide through his stone cold expression, "Good old Summer," he grumbles out of the corner of his mouth, and the Amazon woman elbows him hard in the side. "Ouch, I just meant she seems to be…well like herself." I arch an eyebrow haughtily at them, announcing I am still present and… well not enjoying the topic very much.

"Ryan, I thought we'd see you in a few days or so. Give her a little time to adjust." Seth's mahogany eyes weren't as warm as I was used to, his stance was rigid and uncomfortable. I realize suddenly that once again I'm the cause of uproar. I don't think I should feel this proud. For noticing things, for being this important this soon. But I am, I feel it tingling beneath my skin, the sense of accomplishment that this day has been lacking from the start. I watch the man named Ryan awkwardly run his hand through his hair, an apology evident in his blue eyes. "We know, we just wanted to…" he glances at the lanky woman at his side, "Sorry man, we were just making sure you got here alright. We'll see you in a few days. Right?" He sends another glance at the childlike woman beside him, as she met his gaze with a bewildered look of her own. She nods unceremoniously, unsure because I made her that way. Guilt swirls in the pit of my stomach. I feel like I should speak, inject something into this awkward situation, make it healthy and normal again. Like everyone is trying to do with me.

The pair gives Seth another remorseful look, and then the man starts to guide the woman away from us. I feel compelled to make amends, it seems like she needs protecting but she's lost someone to help her. "Marissa," I call out, not understanding, not wanting to when I repeat the name…louder this time. I watch the girl's eyes light up as she turns on her heel so quickly I almost think she'll fall. I feel triumphant, captivating people has become a talent I've grown addicted to. A mad woman's trick I strive to perform as much as I can. "I'll see you soon." I give her a long look, letting her know how much I'm trying to fix this…myself.

She nods feverishly, beaming as if I had just found her on-button. My head hums with the blossoming effects of my medication, but I return the smile anyway. Everything feels cloudy again, and I vaguely hear them exchange goodbyes. I watch them turn their backs to me, and I turn away as well, sensing I don't like it when people walk away from me. 

"I need to sit down," I say to no one in particular, but then I notice I'm not alone at all. I have this man staring at me, a mesmerizing yet peculiar expression clinging to his handsome face. He finds me a chair, yet his eyes never leave mine. I nearly lose myself in the possibility of peace. The easy clarity in his brown eyes. I can't convince myself that being content is something tangible, so my insides reel with the promise in this man.

"Everyone I've ever trusted has left me." He just stares at me, like I never even said anything as remotely odd or painful as that. I purse my lips, wishing I could see the ocean already and instantly feeling melancholy.

"Well, not me." Seth says, leaning nearer as he gradually warms the air around me. He'd keep me safe, he was convincing me of that bit by bit every day. "Not ever again." He adds with a hint of regret clinging to his bouncy curls, his lopsided smile. I raise my hand to wipe the worry from his forehead, smoothing the remorse right off of him with my fingers. "Shh Cohen, you aren't making sense." I see a flash of something I can't understand in his face, so I just kiss him to be clear of things again. His hands dive into my hair, his mouth is urgent and kind like his character, and everything else is erased.