An Infinite Improbability
It was nearing 6:30 by the time I got back to the common room after my brief sojourn at the Head Room. And the fact that there were only five Gryffindors left at Hogwarts was starting to sink in.
The place was dead quiet.
I wondered where the three gits were. They couldn't possibly be in the snow still.
I sat down in front of the fire and absently picked up an old Daily Prophet. The date read 20 December 1972. Two days ago. The headline screamed at me. Death Eaters assail Bristol. I felt a feeble sense of trepidation. I tried to heighten the fear. I though that maybe, if I was scared out of my wits, I'd find it easier to not think about Lily.
I snorted out loud. Right. Nice try though.
I wanted to stay in the Head Room. I really did. But there's just something about Lily that makes me want to hang about and scamper off at the same time. At that moment though, the initiative of dashing off sounded more convivial. But now that I'm here in this desolately empty common room, I want to go back there. …Or Lily could just materialize out of thin air. Either way would be good. Just as long as she's within my field of view, I'll be fine.
I stood up again, threw the Daily Prophet aside, and decided that I was on a mission. Those bloody marauders haven't been telling me what they've been up to, and they bloody well should have a good reason for it.
I left the common room and passed by two sixth year Slytherins, who I glared at. What do they think they're doing up here? Slytherins don't have any business walking around the corridor of the Gryffindor common room. They are most unwelcome.
I saw one of them look up and sneer at me.
Scum.
Just then I saw Sirius emerge from the stairs I was about to descend upon. I frowned at him, just to see what his reaction would be.
He smiled. I sighed. Bloody wanker's always so inattentive.
"Where have you been?" I asked.
"Kitchen."
"Where are Moony and Pete?"
"Kitchen," he said simply, then added, "And Prongs, when you use one Marauder name, you don't follow it with a name-name. It's improper."
I rolled my eyes. "Marauders are supposed to be improper."
"Improper to most things. But not to the Maraudering rules, Prongs. Never to the Maraudering rules," he said as he started walking to the common room. I did the same.
"And since when did we establish these Maraudering rules you talk about?"
"Since the very start, mate. It's just not declared. Not official. It's a tacit understanding between us fine-looking barmy men."
"We're not barmy."
"Not barmy? Well, you just proved you are by thinking that you're not."
I sighed. Sirius and his mind games. "But to actually be able discern my level of sanity proves you unbarmy," I said.
"Unbarmy is not a word."
"It is now."
He turned, glared, and continued walking. I smiled.
After a while, he said, "So how'd Lily welcome you into her humble abode?"
"Fairly well. She even pointed out where the list was. I was thinking she'd probably tell me to look for it myself, seeing as I have an entirely functional bespectacled set of eyes."
"I see," said Sirius, pausing in front of the portrait hole. "Hostility level dropping, eh? Nice one, chum. So what did you then?"
"Chizpurfle," I said to the fat lady in pink (whose name is still unknown), who smiled and swung open. "I asked her why she's staying for Christmas, I got an answer, and I ran off."
Sirius clambered in through the hole then stared at me.
"What?" I asked. I have a little issue with stares at the moment. But at any other time, I'd gladly accept them.
"You ran off? Why?"
I shrugged. "Finding that out would be a blinding success."
Sirius sat down on a couch, picked up the Daily Prophet I was looking at a while ago, took a glimpse at it, puckered brow, and chucked it into the fire in front of him. I sat down on the other end of the couch.
"James," he said. "Should I taunt you about it or is this the time to be sober?"
The portrait hole swung open again and Remus and Peter came in. Apparently, we could be heard from outside, because Remus started pleading with us. "No one is to be unsober 'til Christmas. Please. Do it as a Christmas present for me. I'm tired of having to tend to you drunken prats."
Sirius grimaced. "Unsober is not a word."
"It is now."
Sirius huffed and swore. "What is it with you people and the prefix 'un'?"
"It's to annoy you, Padfoot," said Peter.
"Yes. We take unutterable and unimaginable pleasure in seeing you unbelievably unblissful."
Sirius gave Remus an exasperated look. "Unfunny."
Peter laughed and said, "Hey, you're getting the gist of it."
The two newcomers sat down opposite us. "So did you get to see the list, James?" asked Remus.
"Yeah."
"And was Lily there?"
I nodded.
He smiled. "What happened?"
"Why is everyone so interested?"
Remus turned inquiringly at Sirius, who happily gave them a quick summary. "He didn't stay long. He didn't even try anything. He ran off. Scampered away. He has no idea why he did. And now he's sulking."
That made me sound like a wimp.
That's my best mate for you.
"How deep are you in James?" asked Peter.
Sirius snorted and answered for me. "Way down under, Pete. Waaaaaay down under."
Way down under is dead right.
"And sinking more and more every second," he added.
Why does Sirius keep pointing out things that I'm trying to deny? And how can he say that? I haven't even officially declared that I have long since fallen in love with Lily Evans. Is he just unaware of my misery or is he really that unpleasant?
"Well," Remus said. "If it's any consolation, I want to remind you that she's much less unreceptive nowadays. It's a start."
"Yeah, I'm at the start," I said. "Question is how many light years will I have to travel to reach the finish line."
Sirius smiled. "You know, even when you're being negative, you're amusing. This is exactly why you're my friend."
I wedged my hands behind my head as I leaned back on the couch. "Evans is so different. Why is she different from everyone else…"
"Genetic material…perhaps?"
Bloody Remus.
"DNA," said Peter. "Nasty buggers."
Sirius shook his head. "Not really, Wormtail. DNA is a wonderful thing. Take me as an example. My DNA is perfect. If DNA didn't have an extremely wide variation and inconsistency, everyone would be just like me. Perfect. If that happens, I wouldn't be considered perfect anymore, as everyone else is perfect. Therefore perfection would be universal. That would make me common, ordinary, average. Sirius the Average. It doesn't sound good. Oh no. Sirius the Above Average is so much better. Actually, scratch that. It's Sirius the Waaaay Beyond Above Average."
We stared. "Right," I said. "Well…someone likes himself a bit too much."
"Obviously," mumbled Remus. "Anyway," he continued. "I was thinking of sneaking off to Hogsmeade tomorrow. I still haven't got my mum a Christmas present. What say you?"
"Oh good," piped Sirius. "I was just thinking of doing the same thing."
Peter stared. "You're planning on buying your mum a gift?"
"My," I said. Sardonically, mind you. "How thoughtful."
"No, gits. I meant going to Hogsmea—"
The portrait had swung open. Only one other Gryffindor was at Hogwarts at the moment.
I braced myself.
There was a sudden blur of greetings.
Sirius (a little too enthusiastically while flailing his arms madly in an insane wave): "Oh. Hey!"
Remus (in his oh-so-Remus self): "Lily. Hi."
Peter (probably couldn't think of another greeting): a chuckle, a grin.
Myself: Well, I nodded…
Sirius groaned audibly and buried his face in a nearby pillow, sniggering madly.
I wanted to thump him. Remus straightened up, looking like he was trying very hard not to roll his eyes at Sirius. Peter just watched. Silent man, good ol' Petey.
Lily smiled. "Hi." That's a nice voice. Yes, very nice I think…
"Well," Remus said. "Care to join us for dinner? We're going down right now."
Oh yeah… dinner with Lily. Good thinking Remy. There's a real friend.
Lily looked as though she was on the verge of saying yes. But she seemed suspicious.
"We're not up to anything," I said. "You don't have to be so chary. And besides, we're the only Gryffindors left here. Surely you don't want to have such a lonely dinner alone."
She smiled slightly. "Okay. Sure."
Sirius looked up at me and wiggled his eyebrows. Git. It was dinner… for Christ's sake.
"Brilliant. Let's go then." Trust Remus to keep things moving.
"Yes," I said. "Let's."
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Dinner that night was a weird affair. The four of us have eaten meals with a lot of girls before. But never with Lily Evans.
We barely talked. Then after we all finished, we just looked at each other, got up at the same time, and headed for the common room.
Eerie…
"So…anyone up for a game of chess?" I was surprised with my bravery. But what's so wrong with it anyway? I'm not awful at it. I don't think I'd be able to make a fool of myself in front of Lily with such a harmless round of wizard chess.
Sirius beamed. But his reply struck me as very unfriendly. "Nope. Sorry mate. I'm dead tired."
Remus nodded. "Exhausted."
Please don't tell me they're really going to do this to me…
Peter plowed on. "Yep. Dead beat."
They can't leave me with Lily…I'll stutter…I'll sweat…
I could have cried out right then…
I'm SUCH a WIMP!!!
But then Lily hasn't really said anything yet. Maybe she doesn't even want to play. Maybe she's tired too. Or maybe she'll at least pretend to be tired. Just to get out of it.
"Maybe Lily'll join you though, James…"
Every head turned to Lily.
She looked surprised. "Oh. Um, yeah, okay."
I think I'm gonna faint. No…I can't faint. Men don't faint.
But as Sirius, Remus and Peter disappeared up the stairs, and Lily slumped down on the rug in front of the fire, setting up the board…
Why am I being such a wimp? I can handle myself. It's alone time with Lily. I might even score…
Who am I kidding? I might just as well ask her to give me a piggyback ride around the field.
She looked up at me curiously. "Are you playing or are you too tired as well?"
"What? Oh." I sat down opposite her. "Well, you move first."
She did move first. Then I went. She looked up at me again. She looked like she was trying hard not to burst out laughing. She looked back at the board just as her pawn massacred mine.
I made that move? I swear to God I moved the other pawn. There must be something wrong with my eyes. Wait, there is something wrong with my eyes. That's why you're wearing glasses, stupid.
Lily looked up at me again. "I know for a fact that you're not dumb. So are you just ill, or are you trying to lose on purpose? If you are, try to make it a little subtle. You're insulting me." She smiled.
I looked down at the ruined pawn. It was too funny. I smiled. She smiled even more. "Sorry, I was a bit dazed."
About twenty minutes later, she won. Damn. So much for impressing her.
"I'm not going down like this," I said. "Fancy another round?"
I lost again. I looked disbelievingly up at her and shook my head. "This just got personal. We're playing again."
Well, I at least won the third game.
"Bruised ego restored to health?" she asked.
I glanced at my watch. It was nearing eleven. I was tired too. I figured my brain was too worn out for another round that I just might lose again. And I couldn't take any more shame.
"It's not exactly that healthy but I think its condition will do for now."
"What's your excuse?"
"Scared."
She looked surprised. She was probably expecting some smart ass pretext. Not the truth. I stood up and sat down on the couch. The rug was getting a bit uncomfortable.
"Why did you stay for Christmas, Evans? I mean, what are you really doing here?"
She seemed startled by my question. She was silent for a moment. Then said, "I've told you already."
"But you were lying before."
She looked almost defiantly at me. "I'm trying to stay away from my sister."
It was my turn to be startled now. I wasn't really expecting the true answer. Not so soon at least. But she just told me. Just like that. I stared at her. I didn't even know she had a sister. "Why?"
"She doesn't want me around. It irritates the hell out of her." She was almost whispering.
I frowned. "Why?"
She frowned at me but answered nonetheless. "She doesn't like me. It's because of this." She looked around the room. "Because of me being here. Because I'm a witch. I don't want my sister to hate me. But I can't just give all this up." She smiled heartlessly and gave a small laugh. "She thinks I'm a freak."
I didn't think it was funny. She didn't dare look at me. She just fussed with the chess players. I slumped back down on the rug. I just might be uncovering something here. Not that I'm trying to play detective or anything. I just want to know why she was telling me this. Does she trust me or something?
If I weren't such a coward, I would have hugged her. But why the hell am I being a coward anyway? I don't think she'll hex me or anything. So it's not fear of getting murdered…
Maybe I'm just scared that if I did hug her, I might never let go…
She looked up. Say something, James!
I just stared. Great. But then I noticed a tear down her cheek. She quickly wiped it off and stood up. "You have to remember that the queen is the most versatile player in a chess board, Potter. Use it more often."
She stalked off.
I could have wept on the spot. I wanted to storm up to her dormitory and squeeze her. Tell her I'm sorry about her sister. About how I've been for the past few years. Sorry for being a prat. I'll call her Lily. And I'll tell her I fancy her. I'll tell her I love her.
I made my way up to my dormitory, and then knocked my head on the door.
If you can't deal with depression, never play chess against the person you're madly in love with.
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Thank you so much everyone who reviewed chapters 1 and 2
Alex – my first reviewer! You were a lucky starter. Thank you!
Brynne - sorry, I didn't include the snowball fight. I will try to raise a snow war though. A childish one.
Daintress – thank you! all your fics looked good I had a little trouble picking which one to read first. I'll put up a review soon…
JulesFelton - /giggles/ thank you…
Kait – yay! You reviewed both chapter! I took a look at some of your fics by the way… good stuff…
Marauder – thank you… here's more….
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Ashibi – I don't mean to encourage it, but I like it when your cranky… hehe…
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Penguin'n'Tales – all the nodding james did was a bit weird, huh…
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