Disclaimer: Well I got a new job, so if I save up a little I could bribe Fox into letting me borrow the cast of the O.C. Just think of Fox as a big pimpin' company, and once I can cough up the change I am so getting some Brody action. Or at least go shopping with Rachel right?! I'm weird I know, that's fine though…I've accepted it…
Author's note: So I've been working, that's why I haven't updated really…that and the fact that I've been trying a new layout out on my messageboard. (shameless plug, check out my profile page smirk) So that worked out, and inspiration struck after talking to one of my fab betas. I still can't find my other gal, but I'm sure she's lurking about somewhere. I totally want to thank everyone who keeps reviewing this story, I am so appreciative, you have no idea how happy your super nice comments make me. I'm not too happy with this chapter but I wanted to kind of give Seth's POV. Also, I'll give more of a definition to Summer's illness asap, I am back on track again and I think the next chapter will be done pretty quick. So sorry for making you wait as usual, I am trying to be better. Please read and let me know what you think.
Lost In Babylon
Ch 14
Oh god I hope I'm alright
Cause I'm gonna cry
Hold on, hold on
Slow down, slow down
You're out of touch
Out of touch
Cause there's no design for life
There's no devil's haircut in my mind
There is not a wonderwall
To climb or step around
But there's a slideshow and it's so slow
Flashing through my mind
Today was the day
But only for the first time
I hope it's not the last time
Slide Show – Travis
Voices drift down into the main hallway and my head clears instantly. I want to busy myself with something, but this place seems too clean for any of the dark things my mind is whispering to me. I hear the fright in his tone, and a bitter mixture of guilt and goosebumps won't abandon me. Perhaps it's the company I deserve at this point, but then I feel Ryan squeeze my arm and I know I don't deserve any of this. No one does. Confusion isn't a pretty sight, but I carry it off because it's my burden to bear for now. For now…
I look up at the long winding stairwell, and I finger my wedding band in barren instinct. Ryan and I listen silently to the argument raging up there, frozen in the moment because we're both so used to being powerless bystanders. Yet I sense he's evolved into someone stronger, a person of more action perhaps. Someone who's seen too much and needs to be part of the scheme of things. Unlike myself, he won't watch everyone pass him by, leave him behind. I can feel his eyes on me, yet refuse to turn and face him since I'm fixed in my place, stuck in the weathered old part I've cast myself in.
I'm a coward, it isn't something I'd openly admit to, yet the terror coursing through my veins is so flagrant in the air that I'm sure I'm even causing this strong man to tense up. I'm frightened of what I'll find out, and I simply don't want to be brave anymore. This day has already left me with a bitter aftertaste, promising better things then snapping back at me and showing me what little I'm made of. I want to hide away, blend into the scenery like I used to do back when I was invisible. Back when no one cared what or even if I remembered anything.
But here, there's so damn much expected of me. I know no one means to pressure me, but the hopelessness that my failure would surely cause could wreck me like nothing else. I'm a coward, and I don't give a damn…I don't want to be wrecked again. There's so little to cling to, so little to keep me upright. Why should I let their desperation do me in when mine is enough to choke on?
"I'll go talk to him…" Ryan eyes me as I wipe my sweaty palms on my pants. "I'll explain."
I scoff, despite being touched by his selfless streak. I don't want to call him a fool, but I'm sure my look says it for me. "Explain what? Do you understand what happened out there?"
Cause I sure as hell don't, but what's new there right? He gives me a confident stare, one that tells me he's never been clueless about anything yet still does nothing to ease my conscience. I don't trust anyone with my insecurities, I reflect mutely, I'd rather keep them close to my chest and watch them eat away at me…
The voices drum at my skull again; it seems too hollow in there anyway. Too much space, too much room to fill up with demons. I don't want to desert myself any longer, since there's so little to count on these days. He makes his way upstairs, and I'm left alone again. Feeling nothing but repulsion at my spineless behavior though, I follow Ryan upstairs and tap his shoulder before he can reach the voices. He mouths that I don't have to do this, and the thought of him fixing my delicate husband seems so very pleasant, which only makes me feel guiltier towards everyone concerned. I want to explain that I'm afraid Seth will change his mind about me and send me back, I want to explain so badly but my mouth feels too dry. Instead of speaking I merely shake my head at his offer, seeing no sense in explaining my mood swings. Sense ran out on me a long long time ago, and it's left a bitter shell of me…
"Where is she?!" My tormented boy presses more in desperation than anger really, although I'm certain no one can tell the difference but the two of us. "It's your job to take care of her. God that's why I hired you, to make sure she's…" I softly rap my knuckles against the bedroom door, holding my breath without even realizing it. "Okay," Seth finishes in the softest voice, as his eyes widened a little. Trying for nonchalance, I lean my petite frame against the doorframe, steadying myself before the inevitable scolding. The room is suspended in silence, and I'm left a little rattled. Okay, a lot rattled, but composure is my middle name. I feel like I should start packing, because no good can come of the hurt in his eyes.
I catch the dirty look the nurse shoots at me, and am certain there will be more of that since no one likes to be scolded on their first day. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be gone for so long."
I apologize while trying not blush with everything in me. My boy has such a conflicted expression on his face, and I watch as he turns his gaze away from me. Suddenly I remember who was standing beside me again, and to my great surprise (and Ryan's as well I'm sure) I watch the stunning switch in Seth's features. Something colder takes over, and any soothing words I had for my curly boy dissipate immediately with the chill he brings into the room. Doesn't he know I hate the cold? Why is he being this way?
"That's fine." He bites out tersely, and I purse my lips a little in disbelief. "Summer," his voice snaps me back to attention while his turbulent browns finally abandon the cool glare towards Ryan, and Seth focuses on me. "I think you should go with Marian."
I guess my confusion mirrors itself in my face, because he immediately answers my silent questions. "Your nurse." Seth gestures to the pissed off looking lady standing beside him, and the need to dig my nails into her smug little face seems overwhelming when her green eyes flash at me with malice. Before I can protest and unleash some of my suppressed violent tendencies, Seth strides over towards me and kisses my forehead. I wish he would stop being so shaky in his emotion, I never know what to expect. Slowly, I smooth my hand along his cheek, wanting to let our contact linger for a few more seconds but he's already moved away from me.
"Sure," I declare meekly. I want to tell him how I really need to feel his eyes on me for a little longer, but Seth has already returned his gaze back to Ryan. I hate that I'm causing a rift between them, I hate that I feel so… so naughty I guess, when I really haven't done anything wrong.
"What was that all about?"
"Nothing, don't try and pick a fight over this, man. It's pointless."
I can still hear small shards of the boys' conversation, and I'm nearly salivating at the chance to steal some more, as I rather clumsily follow the fierce looking Marian down the winding steps. I reach the bottom safely, to my surprise and relief. And somewhere along the way I must've stopped wondering why I wasn't offended by his tone. I guess my guilt for having confided in Ryan swept away any indignation towards his cold demeanour. And now, standing here as this foreign lady hands me an all too familiar cup of pills, I am filled with nothing at all. Everything seems to be going in fast forward, and I feel so left behind. All emotion is swept clear out of me, and I just stare at her venomous eyes and am overwhelmed by my own wretched stillness. My mind is still up there, with those boys I've all but torn apart.
Although this hired nurse would like to think she matters, with her mean-spirited ways and her flashy eyes. She does nothing to capture my waning attention, and I can't even spare her a look as I swallow my meds, and dash up the stairs again. I can hear her bellowing something at me, warnings that seem too sugary to be threatening, too soft for a real whitecoat to utter. I scoff a little to myself, while quickly muting her feeble objections by saying I forgot something important in my room. I'm taking two steps at a time now, short legs or not. I forgot to tell someone important that I didn't mean to hurt him.
Unlike the other whitecoats I've run into during my mad life, this one has no backbone and does nothing to stop me. Or perhaps I'm the one who's evolved into something sturdier. I can't be certain and I idly think I miss the fire of my old nurses, but simply brush it off as I reach the door of my bedroom again. There I go, slipping into old roles, slipping out of my skin and into the shadows in a way. I can feel my pulse quicken, and I don't know if it's because of the dash up the staircase or the excitement of hearing words that weren't meant for me. Secrets can always heat up the air…I guess the latter, and hold my breath.
"Remember when she was to be all I used to talk about." Seth's voice gets this dreamy tone about it, one I wish I could evoke in him in my present state. I press myself harder against the wall, praying to catch their reflection in the grand mirror on the wall. I finally do, and hope my invisibility holds.
"You mean that's changed?" Ryan's tone is playful, and it makes my boy grin as well.
"Okay so maybe I'm a little obsessed, there's nothing wrong with that." Seth's cheeks redden slightly, and he let's out a soft chuckle. I feel like a sneak for standing here, but my meds aren't making the guilt seem real so I just hold my spot. Relishing the secrets I'm getting to feast on, loving the warmth of this particular spot.
"You should've seen me before you came to Newport. It was pitiful how badly I wanted her to notice me. I would've made a deal with Satan if it meant her smiling at me, or even looking in my direction." Images of a young curly boy standing somewhere at the edges of my life seem too sad to even comprehend, so I don't even bother with the pressing guilt. I just don't bother since hurting is too hard to even think about…
"But you got the girl, Seth." I don't see the reaction I would've wished for in him, as I watch the slight slump of my husband's frame. I can't be the cause of all of this, I won't be… I shake my woozy mind and tell myself to be silent.
"And when she first looked at me, like really looked at me." Seth gives a nervous rather embarrassed chuckle, like he's just noticed that he's been saying all this out loud. And yet he continues with a beautiful bemused look on his face, "It was all worth it, I remember thinking I would've faced anything to get a few more minutes of that." Seth raises his hand a little, rubbing his fingers together in search for something as he licks his lips. "Remember that?" The men share a contented smile, and I feel so left out. I want to jump out and have them notice me, but once again I remember what a coward I am. They have their memories, and all I have is their word to go by. How is that fair? How can that not be scary?
"Living in this place got easy, as long as I was with her. It wasn't as plastic or fake anymore, not to me at least. Does that make sense?" I watch Ryan nod at his friend, and I can tell he's thinking of the person who made that happen for him. My mind runs off track right then, goes off at a tangent and I find myself in a whole new realm. Things feel crisper for a few precious moments, and I think I can feel the magnitude of his words. I remember how sharp the lines became for me back then, how much brighter the colors in this place got when I was with him. When he was holding my hand. I didn't think about Daddy or medication then, I was just thinking about his eyes and how I was the ultimate focus for them. How he'd only notice the things about me that no one else could see. Yet he couldn't see the darkest thing of all…I press my lips together, inhale sharply through my nose and make my mind go quiet again. I feel too sharp now, like everything is too heightened, too dangerous.
"But it's like I'm constantly lowering my ideals, man." Seth's voice cracks just a tad, and I try in vain to make myself think I didn't hear any hurt in his voice. Ryan stays quiet, because I guess that's his role here, so I stand very still and try to mimic him a little. I try to cling to the fragments of my past that are twirling inside of me somewhere. I thought I had a grasp on things, but then he speaks again, and makes it all feel so desolate.
"First I just wanted her to be okay. I didn't even need to see her if that meant she'd be upset. And then they said it was okay. And God, I was so fucking happy." I smile when I hear the desperate joy in his voice, the cursing cements how badly he felt or still feels it. I hope he still does, because that means I hadn't imagined it after all. He was happy too, happy to see me again. And maybe I can make it so again.
"I didn't have any hopes though, maybe that she'd smile for me like she understood, or recognized me…loved me. I don't know man. I wasn't sure, maybe I just wanted her home all along above all of those other things. And I just wanted to be able to see her. To have her make things easier again. Cause no one knows Summer like I do, right?" He scoffs as he emphasizes the question in his words, and I loathe the sound. I hate that he's bitter too. Ryan opens his mouth to say something but Seth holds up his hand, he wants to stay angry for a little bit longer. I can tell from the brightness in his eyes.
"Remember when I used to say that out loud, like it was something to be proud of. Well when they proved me wrong…" He pauses, and just stares at Ryan, giving him that painful half smile he does when he really can't bring himself to say something.
"And now she's here," he says way too cheerfully, "now I just want her beside me. In any shape."
"Maybe that's just being realistic, you are still allowed to hope for stuff…improvement, but you get to be content with what you already have. This is real, she's back home. Look where you two were a month ago. That's something."
Hush, Ryan hush, I mouth in desperation. My boy is upset enough, I want them both to just be quiet now. Everyone should just stop digging in the mud, there's so much buried there. Too much. "Yeah, something," Seth mutters listlessly. He tilts his head down a little, like he'd take any crumb thrown his way, and my stomach churns harshly. Ryan looks annoyed that he broke his precious silence. "Look, I'm sorry if I made things more difficult for you. Marissa wanted me to check on you guys, and well...I wanted that too." He places a hand on Seth's shoulder in a brotherly fashion. "You two will be okay, if anyone will, it's you two…" Ryan says in that same quiet confidence, and all I really want is to stay hidden from all the expectation flying around the room, all the comforting promises.
I watch the two men stand in the room in awkward silence, and then Ryan just sighs a little and walks out of the door. "Sorry." He throws back over his shoulder, and then nearly bums into me. Being the subtle man he is, he acts like he didn't catch me spying on them and moves further towards the stairs. I want to thank him for being so odd, but then there's also the need to step into the room and comfort Seth. I press my lips into a hard thin line, and manage to grab hold of Ryan's hand before he descends. "You're okay yourself Ryan." I whisper under my breath, not even really looking him in the eyes cause stuff would just get complicated then. I'm trying hard as it is, and I feel that's more than enough for now. I can feel him squeeze my hand before he turns around to go downstairs.
Time kind of loops on me again, and before my mind can catch up I'm standing in front of Seth. The sun seems to be rooting me on, cause the room is suddenly filled with such immense light and warmth. And yet I still can't find the ease of things. "I'm sorry." I say because I don't know what else is expected of me. The crazy one always apologizes to the sane ones, isn't that how it's always worked? I smile wryly and Seth is giving me that funny puzzled look again.
"I was eavesdropping." I shake my head a little, certain that my head is this fuzzy because of that damn Marian lady. "I figured," my sweet boy says with a grin, and now it's my turn to look puzzled. "I'm the one who's sorry, maybe I should say that to Ryan as well, I just…well I've been a little high-strung lately." I snort a little, which amuses Seth as well, "You're not the only one." Oh thank god, there's that beautiful dimple again, flashing for me again, I'm so damn relieved.
I let my hand slide along his arm, and take my time to look him in the eye again. "You need to make me a promise." I wish I could tell him that he should swear off the hopes he has. I don't want to cut myself into a perfect mould again, I can't stand the sight of my own blood anymore. But I don't… I don't ever say what I mean. I stare him down, watch his pretty eyes gleam innocently at me and all at once I'm so grateful for this man. He nods without hesitation, and I can't think of anyone who would be so giving. "You need to be the person who is honest with me. I don't even mind that nurse anymore…" I smirk about that blatant lie, but I'd do anything for this man, "I don't mind much. But I need to feel like you are in my corner."
"I was planning to tell you…"
"Tell me what? That my father's dead and I can't remember." I suck in my bottom lip, a little frazzled by the harshness in my tone. I don't mean to be this cold, or maybe I did, I can't be sure of anything through the wooziness that has come over me. I guess in a secret dirty way I was waiting for a way to spring my trump card on him, and now… my head spins a little, and I badly want to sit down. Now that I see how frozen Seth is, not even a friendly flop of his curls to reassure me, I know that I shouldn't be so cruel anymore. I shouldn't ask for promises when I am not even worth them. You'd think freedom would make a nicer person out of me, but it's only made me more leery, poised for attack. I guess I have more to lose this time around.
Despite the hurt he must've felt at my jab, Seth is sturdier than I had imagined. "I hate what's been done to you, what you've had to go through…" He is staring at me, then looks away again, "I just…didn't want to put you through that again." Chewing on my lower lip a little, I feel like the biggest villain, "I don't understand how you can always be so nice, when I'm just not." I pout a little, remotely impressed and so disconcerted with what a bitch I can be, meds or not.
"You are to me or I wouldn't be here. And I'll stay as long as you like." His voice sounds scratchy and bold, like he'd even challenge God if it meant saving me. I need to press the pause button on all of this. I just have to, no more fastforwards for me, I won't panic any longer if he'll stop along with me. "Promise?" I glide my hand into his hair, and God he's so pretty right now. Even prettier when he winks back at me. I have him in my corner, lighting all my heavy bits, I'm certain of it as his long arms pull me flush up against him. Maybe I won't be a coward too much longer, and he kisses me gently. Maybe…