An Infinite Improbability

She hadn't seen me, which was perfect, as I was about to make a quick, silent exit to try and get away from the very person who I couldn't stop thinking about. However, I apparently stood rooted on the stairs a second too long, because at that one crucial second, she tore her eyes away from the dying fire and saw me standing immobile in my nightclothes, staring foolishly at her.

She might have been smiling and she might have been scowling. I wouldn't know. The common room was dark and empty. The curtains were drawn; the fire in the grate was almost nonexistent.

"Hey," she whispered.

"Hey," I whispered back.

"All right?"

I tilted my head to the side. As far as I knew, Lily Evans has never, in her life, directed those words to anyone who was not a part of her immediate family (with the exception of The Sister), her closest friends, and her... well, that's all of it, actually. But then she had just asked me if I was "all right", in those exact words.

I was either being very lucky, very deaf, or Lily Evans had gone very crazy.

"All right, Evans?" I asked her back, as was the traditional reply to "all right?" At least, that's what Sirius said it was. Now that I think about it, it probably isn't. Well, great. Lily probably thinks I'm a freak now. Thank you, Sirius.

"What are you doing up at this time?" I asked before she could inquire as to why I'd ask her if she was all right without even answering her question first.

"I don't know," she shrugged. "What are you doing up?"

I shrugged back. "Couldn't sleep."

"Same here, I guess."

I nodded in understanding. "Insomnia?" I asked as I moved and made my way towards the couch across from where she was sitting.

"In a way, yes. But I'm sort of a sporadic insomniac. Most of the time, I sleep like a baby."

I smiled. "What's the sleeping issue for tonight then?"

"Mental overload."

I raised my eyebrows, although I doubt she noticed that, what with the weak lighting of the common room. "It's overloaded with what?" I asked, trying to seem only mildly curious. I was dying to know.

She shrugged again. "I'll tell you when I find out."

"Aah, yes," I said, slightly worried at how I'd just sounded a lot like Dumbledore. "The nameless snooze bandit. When you just know there's something on your mind but couldn't, for the life of you, figure out what it is."

She shifted slightly in her seat and grinned. "I see I'm looking at an experienced insomniac."

"Nah. Not really."

"Seems to me like you're well acquainted with the bandit."

"She—it visits me. Not tonight, though. Tonight I knew exactly what was giving me the overindulgence-on-caffeine-like effect. My bandit's very definitive." Needless to say, I was talking about her. I knew she knew that. She always knows. I hate that she always knows. She nodded and didn't say anything about it.

"So what d'you do on nights like this?" she asked.

Lily Evans: Topic-Changer Extraordinaire. I knew I loved this girl for a reason.

I shrugged. "Usually, I just stay in bed and wait for nothing. On rare nights..." I stood up and drew a curtain. The sky was black and cloudless and stars were all over the place. "...like this..." I pointed out the window. "...I stargaze."

"You stargaze?" Her voice was thick with the expected disbelief.

"Yes." I turned to look back at her. "But you are strictly forbidden to tell anyone about that."

She chuckled. I couldn't say it was a giggle. She rarely ever giggles. Around me, it's a chuckle, a snigger, a smirk, a tight smile, a scowl, or the famous narrow-eye, which she'd perfected since third year. "Okay," she said. "Is that including your friends?"

"They know, but it's best if you don't remind them, especially Sirius. Remus wouldn't really care, though. He rather likes stars and astronomy. He'd probably even stargaze with me, but..."

Stupid James.

"But what?"

"Uhm... Remus isn't very fond of the moon." And I wasn't really lying. Remus prefers slightly cloudy nights when the moon is covered up and a few stars are showing. As for the moon—full or not—he balks at the sight of it. He'd smite the moon if he could.

Lily nodded slowly. From what I could make out from her face, she looked like she was thinking and was about to make an interesting query. She changed her mind halfway, shaking her head a little, and smiled instead. "I want to go stargazing."

That took me by surprise. "With me?" I asked.

She nodded. "I want to go tonight."

I frowned slightly. "With me?" I asked again.

She laughed silently. "Yes. I want to stargaze with you," she declared slowly. It took me some time to process this, because only three words were exploding in my brain.

I. want. you.

I began to have visions--much like how people describe it when their lives are 'flashing before their eyes', only my visions weren't flashbacks. They mostly consisted of myself, a scantily-dressed Lily, melted chocolate, whipped cream, a bucket of strawberries, and luscious lips that were programmed to say only the words 'I', 'want', and 'you'.

But then Lily coughed, and reality hit me—as did the phrase to stargaze with—and I became slightly disappointed at the realization that no, she didn't want me.

I remembered that she was waiting for a response of some kind. I thought hard.

Staring at stars was one of my most hush-hush activities. I have never, in my life, shared a night of stargazing with anyone at all. I was reluctant at having to go through it with Lily. I love her, sure, but I was different when I stargazed. I'm not very guarded, that's for sure. And I may not be very sane either.

I watched Lily for a long time, and she watched me back.

"Okay," I said doubtfully. "Let's go."

"Astronomy tower?"

"Where else?"

"Well, it could've been different. You ­are­ a marauder. You're known to be rather creative."

I smiled. "Compliments, compliments… I'm flustered."

"Don't let it get to your head. You've gone too far to lose everything by being arrogant again."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You know what's overrated?" Lily said conversationally after having laid out a blanket on the cold, paved floors of the astronomy tower and casting a heating charm around it. "I'll tell you what's overrated. You're overrated. I've always hated that about you."

Ouch. I sat down on the blanket gingerly. "I never knew you hated anything about me."

She ignored me and went on. "You know how you can do anything and get everything you want, even if you're not supposed to, and get away with it anyway? I hate that. I especially hate how everyone, even with the knowledge that you're a notorious wrongdoer, admire you for it. It's senseless and illogical. I hate how you radiate such overconfidence and self-importance all the time. And how you can sometimes go from being a git to an actual human being, who can—in all honesty—be rather charming if he wanted to." She sighed. "You're too confusing, for someone so shallow."

What was that? An outburst?

"I'm not confusing," I told her. "And I am NOT shallow. Watch your mouth. You just think I am because you don't know me."

"Well, here's the perfect opportunity to get to know you." She smiled impishly. "It's quiet and calm. We're alone and no one's going to interrupt. And I'm sure we're both slightly sure that we're in good enough terms at the moment to prevent us from quibbling or me from hitting you. Explain yourself to me now, James."

I made two notes in my head:

1. She's really serious about the first name thing.

2. We're ALONE. NO ONE is going to interrupt. We are on GOOD enough terms.

How I wish I hadn't shivered in glee, because she looked at me very strangely just then.

"Okay." I nodded at Lily. "Let's have a talk. I've always wondered about you. See, what I don't understand is why, for all the years I've known you, you've devoted yourself to forever be the bane of students' happiness. I don't get it."

She frowned and I heard someone inside my head telling me that I was starting a spat, which isn't good, but at the same time I felt exceptionally relieved. She was scowling at me, and she was about to snap back. Just like the old days. I missed fighting with her so much I could have whooped with joy.

"What I don't understand is why, for all the years I've known you and your pawns, you've devoted yourselves to forever be the bane of my life and my responsibilities of rule-implementation."

I could have laughed. "First off, you shouldn't answer a question with another question. It's not nice. Second, my friends are not my 'pawns'. They are my comrades-at-arm. I may be considerably cuter, yes, but I am no greater than them. We are all equal. And thirdly… rule-implementation? Why are you like that, Evans? You know, you'd have great potential if you'd only stop being so… you. You're uptight. A wet blanket."

"I'd like to tell you now, Potter, that unceremoniously calling a person uptight to their face is not very nice. I'll let it go, but you shouldn't ever do it to anyone else. And you're a hypocrite. You answer me with questions all the time. And just so you know, I'm only following the rules." She stuck her nose up in the most infuriating way she could. "I'll also ignore that arrogant side note about you being cuter and say that it's very noble of you to not consider yourself better than your friends."

Again with the compliments, which I then ignored, but did a happy dance for hours later. "You're only seventeen," I told her. "Every once in a while you should just forget about everything and not care."

"What are you saying?"

"Well, I'm not asking you to be like me or Sirius. Heck, don't even consider that. We're reckless, scruffy bastards. All I'm saying is that you should take advantage of your time now, before you have to leave Hogwarts and actually be out in the real world where you really have to take things seriously. Try to have some fun, is what it is, Lily." Such a sage I am. Such a first-name-calling sage.

"I do have fun. I'm happy. Just because I follow the rules doesn't mean that I never enjoy myself." She'd definitely said that for the sake of herself.

"So you do have fun. Sometimes. But maybe you should be more spontaneous. Actually, not even spontaneous. Just, you know… surprise everyone. Don't smooth your robes so much; wear socks that aren't white for once; wear a bright, bead bracelet; loosen your tie; forget to pin your badge on; eat your waffles with your hand; charm your ink to a different color; laugh out loud in the hallways; put stickers on your bag; fold a page in one of your books; paint your nails bright; walk around the common room barefoot; giggle; hum while you're doing homework; get on a broom; walk outside when it's drizzling; throw snow at someone. Honestly, Lily, just be seventeen."

I held my hand up to her hair and tugged at what was holding it together. It was The Scrunchie. The insufferable scrunchie (which I've taken to calling Luigi because it looked very Italian) that has taunted me every time I stared at the back of Lily's head in class and dreamt of running my fingers through her fiery red locks.

"…Let your hair down."

It was a wonderful excuse to finally touch her hair. I was sure she knew about my concealed motivation, but she chose to say nothing about it. She just rolled her eyes at me and allowed me to pocket the scrunchie (which I will probably creepily sniff later, like I once did with her pillowcase, which I still have and will never return). The hint of an amused twinkle in her eyes was unmistakable, though, and I was exhilarated. Oh, The Eyes. And she had the most beautiful hair I'd ever seen.

If she ever dared to tie it up again, I'll be sure to steal all her hair things.

I stared at her for a moment and wonder if I ought to risk the ceasefire we'd both reached and the glorious, undeclared alliance. More so, I wondered if I should be risking that achievement of achievements for something that was not, in the least bit, guaranteed. Something that I really wanted, but am not exactly certain I'm allowed to have. I was so unsure that I could've cried out in anguish.

All the same, I asked her, regardless of all the possible horrid outcomes, or the hundreds of arguments forming in my head. Somehow, I felt like I needed to ask her.

"If I kiss you," I started in an uncertain, bare whisper, "would you slap me?" I hadn't meant for it to sound comical, but it did. She kept a straight face though. So did I.

She stared, mouth slightly open. "If I told you I would," she whispered back, "would you?"

"If you told me you wouldn't, I'd definitely kiss you. But if you told me you would… well, I'd kiss you anyway."

"So why ask in the first place?"

Touché.Nevertheless, I still have my reasons…

"See, if you told me you'd slap me, I'd kiss you as quickly as I could because I have very limited time until the arrival of the inevitable smack, which, by the way, can really sting. If you told me you wouldn't, I'd kiss you slowly… and I won't rush… and I'll savor every single, glorious nanosecond of it. Every second would become a memory of its own. It'll be warm and soft and… delicious." I coughed lightly as I felt my chest constrict and my stomach wobble. "I'd kiss you the way I'd planned six years ago." I swallowed hard and bit my lip as I most definitely blushed and looked down, up, left, right—anywhere but straight at Lily.

"You have it planned?" she asked in a somewhat amused yet uncomfortable tone of voice.

I looked up at her, hopelessly caught. "Actually, when it comes to you, I have everything planned. Rather subconsciously, I must say, but yes, everything's premeditated and deliberate."

She looked up at me with unbelieving eyes. "I thought the planning and scheduling—the feeling that everything has been pre-rehearsed—was what you didn't like about me."

"That was something I wanted you to not be so accustomed to, but I never said I didn't like it about you. At least, I don't think I did say that. If ever I did, be assured that I didn't mean it.

"I think part of why I can't get rid of you is because you're everything I'll never become. You're too good—great.

"Besides," I added quickly, "this is not about you, Lily—not everything's about you. This is about… us. My dreams and my fantasies, which, well, which are basically all you… so this would be about you… But then again, they're about you and me together, so I guess it's not all you, after all. It's more 'us'."

There was a long pause—utter silence—during which I fidgeted interminably, and she stood still as a board.

"Don't stare at me," I begged.

"Why not?"

"I feel like I'm being dissected and scrutinized, which I probably am. But honestly, at least stare at me and make me uncomfortable ­after you've given me an answer. To the very first question, I mean. I dunno… maybe you've forgotten about that question already."

Again, silence.

"Lily…" I insisted, sounding a little desperate.

"I like that you're calling me by my name now."

"Yeah, sure, whatever. Stop changing the subject please… If I kiss you now would you stop me?" I said persistently.

"I wish I could say yes… but… I really don't think I would."

I imagined my eyes popping out and my ears falling off with elation.

"If I kiss you," I said again, "would you run off afterwards?"

She sighed. "So many questions…"

"I want to make sure. You running off after I kiss you would cause me considerably more pain than you stopping me before I kiss you. It'll be like throwing me into hell after a prelude of heaven. That would hurt a lot, Lily. I like to think I'm tough, and that I'll be able to handle that, but it would hurt a damn lot. My feelings are overly sensitive where you're involved. I don't want you to break my heart."

"How is it possible for me to decline now?"

I smiled a little. "That depends," I whisper. "Were you going to say 'no' in the first place?"

She looked nervous and twitchy, but then she smiled most impishly and asked, "Was I just figured out?"

"Maaaaybe," I cooed. "I think you just surprised me. Perhaps I got my point across."

"Point…"

"The point that recommends you do things that you don't normally do. Like… me."

She laughed. "That is pushing it too far. I would never do you. I'm just letting you kiss me." I took her hands in mine. "Once," she added.

I shrugged. "It's a start."

And that… that was the last thing I said before I leaned in and kissed The Girl. Before I kissed her very slowly, with no rush, and every single, glorious nanosecond was savored. Before every second became a memory of its own. Before everything around me, and everything I could feel, became warm, soft, and absurdly delicious. Before I kissed her the way I'd planned six years ago, when every other girl had been infected by a horrible plague of cooties, except for The Redhead.

We parted after some time. I wouldn't know how long the kiss was. I was dizzy. Doubtless, I would've fainted had I not been so buff and manly.

I took a deep breath. Several deep breaths. And more.

"Is something wrong?"

What was I doing! It was not the time, nor the place, to be hyperventilating. She probably thought I was a freak.

"You're still here," I said breathlessly.

"Did you want me to go?"

"I'm not dreaming."

"No, you're not."

Wheeze… wheeze…

"I'm a horrible kisser," she said. "Aren't I? You're disappointed. No one ever told me I was a horrid kisser. I could sense it though."

I looked up, slightly in control of my respiratory system, and laughed. Or choked. Laugh-choked.

"Heavens no. Lily…"

"Stop laughing at me. I hardly find it funny."

I stood up straight, commanded my organs to stop messing about (funnily enough, they obeyed), grabbed Lily's arm, and pulled her roughly towards me. "I am never," I whispered, "never kissing another girl ever again."

She laughed, her voice muffled slightly by my shirt, to which she was pressed firmly onto. Heaven. "You got me to kiss you after four days," she said, looking innocently timid. "I hope you don't think I'm easy."

"Christ. I've been pining over you for years, Lily. It was the least you could do for my wasted heart."

"So what'll happen now, James?"

"Mm… I dunno. I think maybe I'll kiss you again." And so I did.

And that moment—at 3:18 in the dark morning of December the 26th—was the very moment that I spat at Infinity's face and ran my fingers through the bare skin on Lily's back… if only to make sure that Improbability got the message, too.

Naturally, the next day was spent arguing over what had really happened in the Astronomy Tower. Lily insisted that I was merely dreaming (or drunk), and I yelled for her to shut up. She did, and I felt like an insurmountable jerk. So I apologized and we kissed. And everything was forgiven. Then we went to sleep, because we realized that there had been a certain lack of it in the last 24 hours. I insisted that we sleep on my bed, but she reminded me that she still hated me and that I should stop being so hateful. I laughed and kissed her then—twice, actually—and told her that she was the most adorable human being I'd ever met. She told me I was infatuated. I told her that yes, maybe I was. And of course, I was infatuated, and I never did stop being infatuated. I never could. If I had to give it a name, it would've been Infinite Infatuation, which always made me laugh. I didn't call it that though. I'd already once spat on Infinity's face, and Infinity wanted nothing to do with me.

That, as we all know, is a good thing.

Just starting…

A/N I hope you liked it! Thank you to everyone who read this—whether you reviewed or lurked (which I do a lot). :-) I love you all.