Disclaimer: I do not own Van Helsing, Carl, Dracula, nor Cardinal Jinette. Please don't sue me. Also, some of these ideas came from my dear friend Kyla, so half of the plot isn't mine, either. ::giggle::
Author's Note: This is a little story I made while camping this weekend. My friend Kyla and I were talking about it, and I decided to write it. I hope you all find it as funny as I do. :D Also, this was written because I currently lack any inspiration for Fallen, and I needed to write something in order to keep you all reading, and to keep me from dropping the story for like, three months. I'll try to update Fallen as soon as possible, but, until then, I present to you my first comedy, non-heavy-slash (although there's implied slash) story. Enjoy!
A Day at the Beach
"Why do I have to take my jacket off?"
"Because, Van Helsing," Carl said as he laid out the towels, "you'll be exceedingly hot and -"
"You mean I'm not exceedingly hot already?" The hunter put on a sexy pout.
"I – I didn't mean that," the friar stammered. "I meant temperature wise. Plus, you'll never that sexy tan that all men of mystery should have." He nodded, and then pulled off his robes.
He was pale (well, he is a red-head, therefore he's fair skinned and wouldn't tan easily), and his body was minimally – and, I mean minimally – toned. He was suited up in a very bright, very neon, very flashy, pink pair of swimming trunks that were accented by white flowers; it was rather Hawaiian in style.
The friar dug through his bag until he found a pair of goggles and a snorkel. He went to the water, but paused with a mortified expression on his face.
There, running along the shore in some twisted form of pleasure, was Cardinal Jinette. The whole scene wouldn't have been too bad, had the cardinal not been wearing a little blue Speedo.
A sharp scream pierced the air as Van Helsing jumped into Carl's arms.
"Carl!" he shrieked. "Make the scary image go away!" Van Helsing whined.
Carl buckled under the other man's weight, and gasped a bit when Van Helsing landed on him.
"Scary? You face evil every day!"
"But evil isn't scary! Cardinal Jinette in a Speedo is scary!" Another pout graced the slayer's face.
Rolling his eyes, Carl shoved Van Helsing off of him. He stood up, brushed himself free of sand, then ran into the water. He splashed around wildly, and, soon, all that could be seen of the friar was the tip of his lime-green snorkel.
Van Helsing picked himself up. He looked around pouting, of course, but then raised an eyebrow into a perfect arch as Dracula walked into view.
The vampire was clad in his usual back get up, including a cape/cloak thingy and a pair of stylish sunglasses.
"Dracula? What are you doing out in the daylight? You're a vampire! You -"
"Oh, give it a rest." Dracula rolled his eyes (well, you couldn't see him roll his eyes because of the sunglasses, but he still did it). "My manager said I could have the day off of the whole vampire ordeal."
"Ah ... I suppose that's fair, then." A big grin spread across the hunter's face. "Why are you spending it at the beach?"
"I wanted to go someplace where I could read. Got a problem with that?" Without waiting for an answer, the count took a magazine from inside his jacket and sat in a lawn chair that just seemed to appear there. He began to read.
A splash announced the return of Carl. The friar walked on to the shore and removed his goggles and snorkel. He gasped.
"Dracula! Quick, Van Helsing! Slay him!"
Dracula peered over the top of his magazine.
"Excuse me, but that does hurt my feelings. It's quite a blow to the self esteem when people always want you dead." His eyes returned to his magazine.
"Oh, so sorry." Carl made an apologetic smile, then turned to Van Helsing. "Gabriel!" he exclaimed. "Why are you still wearing your jacket?"
"I just don't see why I have to take it off!" Van Helsing replied. "But, look, I'll take off the hat, alright?" He did so. "Better??"
"No, it isn't better! You need to get that sexy tan, just like me!" Beaming, Carl struck a pose to showcase his "tan".
Dracula titled his sunglasses to see the friar properly. Both of his eyebrows went up. He looked at Van Helsing. Van Helsing looked at him. The vampire rolled his eyes.
Carl wasn't so much "tanned" as he was burned. His skin matched his hair quite nicely due to the redness of it. It looked as though he'd be in a lot of pain later.
"What?" Carl frowned.
Just then, a random girl with brown hair, complete with blonde highlights and a touch of red in it, popped up.
"Who the hell are you?" questioned Van Helsing.
"I'm the author!" The girl grinned. "I'm here to keep this story rolling, and, in order to due so, I'm going to preach to you about Beach Safety!" She cleared his throat and took out a list. "First off: you should remove your jacket so you don't get heatstroke. Another reason to remove your jacket is so, if you go in the water, the extra weight doesn't cause drowning. Always wear sunscreen when outside, it helps to..." and she just kept talking.
With a reluctant sigh, Van Helsing took off his jacket. He was wearing regular black swimming shorts that reached to his knees, and had a little white string on them. Both Carl and Dracula stared.
It seemed that the slayer did have that sexy tan that all men of mystery need (according to Carl). He was all bronze, and could easily be mistake for one of those Greek Gods. Dracula tiled his head, then his eyes got wide.
"Hey! You're in this month's issue of PlayVamp!" he said. "On page 25! I knew that picture looked familiar!"
Carl gave Dracula an odd look.
"You read PlayVamp?"
"No." The vampire shifted his eyes.
"Then why are you reading my copy?" The friar got a smug look.
Van Helsing turned to look at Carl.
"What are you doing with a copy of PlayVamp?" He watched as Carl went to say something, then held up his hand. "Nevermind, I don't want to know." It was then he realized that the author was still babbling on about Beach Safety. "Can I get rid of her yet?"
"Please do," Dracula asked. He tore the magazine out of Carl's hands as the friar tried to take it back.
"Great." Van Helsing took out his pistol and aimed at the author.
Carl looked over and his eyes got wide with fear.
"NOOO!" He started running over to Van Helsing. As the slayer shot the author, Carl ran past him and picked up an ice-cream cone dripping with mint chocolate chip ice-cream. "My ice-cream has melted!" He paused. "Did you just shoot something, Van Helsing?"
"No."
"Alright then ..." He went back to mourning the loss of his ice-cream.
Standing up, Dracula put the magazine back in his jacket.
"Since the writer is dead, I see no more reason to be here. I'll see you two next time we try to kill each other." The count nodded then left.
Van Helsing picked up his jacket and hat before walking over to Carl. He placed a hand on the friar's shoulder.
"C'mon, Carl. We should be going, too."
"But, Van Helsing," whined Carl, "I've got no more ice-cream." His eyes went all big and puppy-dog like.
"Tell you what, Carl," Van Helsing said slyly. "When we get back home you'll get something better than an ice-cream cone." His eyes glinted seductively.
"Two ice-cream cones??" Carl's face shone with delight.
The hunter sighed.
"Sure ... Two ice-cream cones." With a slight shake of his head, he helped Carl gather everything up and together the left, leaving the lifeless body of the author behind ...
Author's Note: Ok, that was really random. But, I had fun writing it, so I hope you had as much fun reading it. And, yes, I know there's a few times when Van Helsing is a bit ... Out of character. Ah well, it works for this story. :P