PG
DISCLAIMER : I have no collars around those characters with my name on it and a leash to keep them. Alas.
SUMMARY : Post-Tokyo Babylon, but before the Annex. A couple of first times for Subaru. Made for togakushi shrine First Kiss challenge.
First kisses, Subaru knew, were not supposed to be like this.
They shouldn't taste of tobacco and cheap alcohol, nor of the bitter, bitter bile of self-loathing. They shouldn't be taken blindly in a dark street from a stranger you didn't even know the name of.
He didn't really know what he was doing there in the first place, why he had followed the random invitation. He could only remember that, when the young man he had just saved from an angry spirit had smiled at him with shy enticement and proposed to thank him properly, he had felt a impulse so powerful to accept he had found himself kissing him before he even realized it.
Confusedly he registered the feel of hands clenching his arms, dirty nails biting cruelly into his flesh. Some threads of blonde bleached hair brushed his nostrils, giving him the absurd urge to sneeze. So close, he could smell the warm aroma of perspiration mixed with the sharp reek of leather, all drowned into the stronger, more encompassing scent of cigarette.
And all that Subaru could make out from all of this, was the deep craving he felt. Lips eating at each others. Teeth scraping his tongue. He needed more.
Kissing felt strange, felt good, felt wrong. Hot breathing came out ragged from his mouth, and he couldn't quite believe his lips were daring to demand more of the other's, sucking the air out of it, gasping with want.
There was a rhythm within his chest. An ascending spiral ready to scream out.
He needed to breathe. He so desperately needed to breathe, but he didn't know anymore what air he longed for. A strange sound was being born in his throat. Half moan, half plea.
Answering the appeal, the other tightened his grasp upon Subaru's arms and pushed him roughly against the wall, abrading his skin painfully against the concrete.
Yes ! Shutting finally fully his eyes, he let the sensations overwhelm him, let himself drown into the touch of another person. Fleetingly he wondered how long it had been since he had been touched like this, since he had been so close to another human being. But that wasn't a question that was worth asking for he knew the answer all to well. He could almost see it now, and he felt himself sigh, letting the invading tongue worming itself deeper into his mouth.
But it wasn't quite good enough yet, wasn't quite there yet. It was still too gentle, too soft, too warm and he couldn't quite picture Seishi-
With a brusque stir, he broke away from the kiss.
God ! what is wrong with me ?
Face to him, the youth he had been kissing was inquiring at him with a confused expression. Asking him what it was, what was wrong.
Wrong. It was all wrong. He was much too young, eyes much too round, hair and dress nothing like would have wore the tasteful veterinarian.
Subaru felt himself shudder, a strong wave of nausea threatening to overpower him.
Was that why he had been kissing this man ? Had he only been looking to search for another man's shadow ?
Inside his mind, he could glimpse a figure smirking at him, lone eye mockingly looking down Subaru's broken figure on the ground. Words, like careless stones, fell onto him.
Why, Subaru-kun, did you think you would ever be free of me ? That is so cute of you.
The pressure in his chest was back, constricting him to asphyxia. There were invisible ropes which ensnared him still. Would he ever be free of them ? Would he ever want to ?
He was choking on his desire for Seishirou.
Once more, the young man asked him what was wrong.
Forcing a smile that could be nothing but bitter, Subaru brushed off his question with an unconvincing "It's nothing".
"Is there anything I could do ?"
He would have said no, but his eyes fell onto the rumpled pack showing from the man's jacket.
"May I have a smoke, please ?"
He was promptly given a cigarette, and a flame to light it.
Breathing through the many layers of tobacco, filter and plain waste, he felt at once better, even as he doubled over with a coughing fit.
"You're sure you're okay ? You don't look like you're very used to smoking..."
"No", he said as soon as he had recovered his breathing, "it's my first." He couldn't help an ironic grin from warping his lips as he inhaled the sour smoke again.
Maybe the only air he could breath now ought to be tainted.
-owari-