It has been a week since John's death. He was coming home from the clinic when he decided to take the freeway instead of the main roads. A man on the other side of the median was driving drunk. He smashed across the meridian and into John. The man was driving a four-wheel drive pick-up truck; John's jeep was just no match for it. The funeral was a small affair and I'm glad, I don't think I could have handled it if had been bigger. I still don't think Jonathan understands. He still waits for his Daddy to come home. Sometimes I forget he's gone. When Jonathan learns something new I think about how I can't wait to tell John but then it hits me, he's gone. I don't think I can handle all of this. I don't think I can go on without John. I look around our home and am reminded so much of our life together. I was sitting at the dining room table, pictures spread out all around me. As much as it hurt to look at them, I had too. I was afraid of forgetting, of forgetting how he looked, how he sounded, how he smelled. I know it was crazy but I couldn't help it. I smiled as I sifted through the memories. There was a picture of John and Jonathan at the park. Jonathan was maybe a year old and he was in a swing, John stood behind him beaming at him. I put that picture down and picked up another. This one was taken at our wedding. We were standing in front of the church; I had my arms wrapped around John's wait and was looking up at him. We both had incredible smiles on our faces. As I set the photograph down my eyes fell on a picture that had been taken almost seven years ago. It was of the staff at County General at the time, Mark, Elizabeth, Romano, Weaver, Dave, Peter, Cleo, Chen, Carter, Luka and Me. My eyes lingered on Luka. Luka. It had been a long time since I had spoken to him. He was the only one who ever kept in touch after we left. The last time I had spoken to him, he told me that he and Chen were the only ones left at County. Everyone else had left. I set the picture back on the table. I got up from the table and went into the living room where Jonathan was playing with his toys.
"Jonathan, come on sweetie, we're going for a ride." Jonathan looked up with interest. He put his toys down and got up. He had always liked riding in the car. A half our later we were on the interstate. I had made up my mind. I was going to go see Luka.

Nicole and I sat on the couch in the living room. We were watching a movie. I sat with my arms around her, her head resting on my shoulder. She looked up at me, her eyes conveying everything she was thinking. She leaned in and kissed me softly on my lips. I felt a jolt go through me. How is it that I find I love her more and more everyday?
"I love you." She said softly. I smiled.
"I love you, too." She returned the smile. She put her head back on my shoulder and we continued watching the movie. I noticed she was restless. I grabbed the remote control and paused the movie.
"What's wrong?" I asked her. She hesitated a moment.
"Oh, nothing... it's stupid." She said.
"No, it's okay. What is it?" She paused a moment before speaking.
"I was thinking how different our lives will be if we have children. I'm kind of scared, about being a mother and everything. Do you think I will be a good mother?" I smiled.
"I think you will be an excellent mother. Don't worry, all the changes we will have to make will be worth it. When you watch your child you get the most mind-bending feeling. You created that person; his entire life is in your hands. Also, you learn how incredible it is to love someone unconditionally." I watched Nicole relax.
"Thank you." She glanced over my shoulder. Puzzled, I looked at her.
"What?" She smiled.
"Aren't you supposed to be on at eight?" I nodded my head.
"Yeah, why?" She laughed.
"It's eight twenty." I jumped up. I was going to have to hurry. I quickly kissed Nicole goodbye before running out the door.

It took me about three hours to reach Chicago. I made my way to County General. I prayed that Luka was on tonight. I didn't know his address anymore or I would have just gone to his apartment. I park my car and got Jonathan out. I walked into the ER for the first time in five years. Everything was different. They had remodeled the place; it was a lot more updated. I looked around for a familiar face, doubting that I would find one. I walked up to the main desk; a woman was one the phone. She motioned that she would be with me in a moment. As I stood there waiting, someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and came face to face with Deb Chen.
"Abby?" She said, her eyes opening wide, a smile forming on her lips. "Oh my God! How are you?" She leaned in to give me a hug. Relief flooded me. Thank God someone I knew was here tonight. After a few moments Deb let go, still grinning. Her eyes fell on my stomach.
"When are you due?" She asked. I smiled and laid a hand on my stomach.
"Three weeks." I told her.
"Wow, that's really soon. Where's..." Deb was interrupted by Jonathan.
"Hi, my name is Jonathan." He said, coming out from hiding behind my legs. Deb grinned.
"Hi Jonathan. I'm Deb. How old are you?" She asked. Jonathan held up three fingers. "You're three? Wow, that's pretty old." He nodded and smiled. She looked at me.
"I'm guessing he's yours?" I nodded. " He looks so much like his father. Speaking of John, where is he?" I felt my heart tug and tears spring into my eyes. Deb noticed because she took my hand and Jonathan's and led us into the faculty lounge. We sat down
"Abby, what's wrong?" She asked, handing me a tissue. "Is everything okay with you and Carter?" I opened my mouth to say something but all that came out was a pathetic sob. Deb continued. "Are you guys okay?" She paused a moment before speaking again. "You guys aren't getting divorced, are you?" I shook my head, trying to stop crying.
"Deb..." I began. I took a breath in trying to calm myself. "A week ago...a week ago John was killed in a car accident." I looked up at Deb, letting the tears fall again. Her face went from shocked to disbelief to sadness. Her hand flew up to her mouth and I could see the tears forming in her eyes. She got up quickly and gave me a hug. In a moment we were both sobbing. I knew Deb and John had been very close. He used to call her every weekend. Heck, Deb and I had been close, too. In a way, I was starting to feel better. It was nice to have someone to cry with, someone who was hurting like you were. Deb let go, tears running down her cheeks.
"Abby...I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. God, I'm gonna miss him." I nodded.
"I can't believe he's gone. I still think this is all a bad dream, that I'm going to wake up and it will all be over." I paused a minute. "I know eventually I'm going to be okay, It's Jonathan I worry about. He's so young. It kills me to think he'll grow up not knowing his father. It kills me to think that this baby will never see John and he will never see this baby. We were both so excited about this baby. He was such a good father..." My voice broke on those words, causing both of us to start crying again. We sat there for what felt like ages when the door opened. We both looked up, startled. My breath caught in my throat. Luka was standing in the doorway, looking between Deb and I.

I was almost running on the way to work. I can't believe I did this. I made it to the ER in record time. Breathless, I ran through the doors and was met with the chief of the ER, Lindsey Wright. She gave me a look.
"Dr. Kovac, you're almost forty five minutes late." It took me a minute before I could answer; I was trying to catch my breath.
"I'm sorry, I just lost track of time." I waited for a reply. Lindsey smiled.
"It's okay, just don't let it happen again." I grinned.
"No problem." I watched as Lindsey left. I hurried into the lounge to get my things. I opened the door and froze. Chen was sitting as the table, crying. Abby was beside her. I looked over at Abby, then Chen. It looked like both of them had been crying. What happened? Why was Abby here? Why was she crying? I stood there silent. I noticed a little boy sitting on the couch with a book. He looked like Carter. He had to be Jonathan. I knew I should say something instead of standing there like a mime. I cleared my throat.
"Abby, what are you doing here?" I asked. She looked up at me. She looked awful. She stood up and that's when I noticed she was pregnant. She walked towards me.
"John was killed in a car accident." I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. I watched as fresh tears started rolling down her cheeks. My first instinct was to wrap my arms around her and that's what I did. I could feel her body tremble as she cried. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything, I just kept my arms wrapped around her. "I'm sorry I just showed up like this, I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't stay at the house, everything I look at reminds me of him." I hated seeing her like this, in so much pain. She doesn't deserve this. Nobody deserves this.
"I know how you feel." I whispered to her. For once, I truly knew how she felt.