Let Me
Thanks to Ashe01, aznpride162, belle, dolphinchick2568, grullo- cowgirl, Jamie, leigh, melodie568, and TruLuvNvrFrogtN for the reviews and kind words! Hope you enjoy!
"How far along is she, anyway?"
Jay looked up at Ava, his blue eyes registering confusion. "I don't know. Why don't you ask her?"
"Because I'm asking you. And because she's not here at the moment and I need to make her a doctor's appointment," Ava said. She was balancing the phone against shoulder and ear, while flipping the pages of a calendar that hung on the wall near the base. Suddenly, Ava stopped flipping and straightened out the phone. "Yes, this is Ava Gregory. I'd like to make an appointment for an Amanda Robertson as soon as possible. She's pregnant, but I'm not exactly sure how far along she is." There was a pause before Ava continued, "Sixteen. Okay, that's perfect. Thank you."
She replaced the phone and marked something down on the calendar. "She's got to go Friday evening at 5:30."
"This Friday? As in the Friday that's the day after tomorrow?"
"Yes, that's generally what 'this Friday' means. Why? Do you have something better to do?"
"I had plans, but they can wait," Jay affirmed.
"They better wait. The health of your sister and future niece or nephew is more important, don't you think?" Ava laid on the guilt trip.
"Hey, I said I'll take her," Jay complained.
"Okay. By the way, where is she?"
"Out with Bradin somewhere. Maybe the beach? I don't know," Jay admitted. "They spend so much time together God knows where they are."
"Now that you mention it, I think they're swimming. Don't worry, she's not surfing," Ava added at the irate look that crossed Jay's tan face.
Meanwhile outside, Bradin was assisting Amanda in a short little sneak session of surfing. He had let her borrow his board for ten minutes, and luckily no longer because just as she pushed it back through the water in his direction Ava came outside and called the two of them.
"Coming, Aunt Ava," Bradin called and began paddling to the shoreline.
"Amanda, you've got a doctor's appointment Friday at 5:30, okay?" Ava informed her. "Jay said he'd take you, but Susannah or I could if you'd be more comfortable."
"That would be great, thanks," Amanda said, sounding relieved.
"You weren't out there surfing, were you? Because I just told Jay that you weren't stupid enough to do that again." Ava narrowed her eyes at the two teenagers.
"No," Amanda answered. She widened her own eyes until they resembled round saucers of green.
Ava looked past the obvious lie and said, "Okay, dinner will be ready in a few minutes."
Bradin and Amanda looked at each other and shared a secret smile once she was gone. Amanda shook her dark blonde locks, and drops of salty ocean water hit Bradin in the face. "Thanks."
Amanda laughed and just nodded as if to say 'you're welcome'. Nikki came out the back door, carrying a bowl of salad and some plates. "Here," she said, "take these."
Bradin accepted the plates and put one in front of each chair. "I'm gonna go change," Amanda said.
She slipped inside and emerged five minutes later wearing a green, off the shoulder short-sleeved shirt over a white tank top and black shorts. She saw that everybody else was present except for her, even Jay's girlfriend Erika. She blushed, and sat down in the only empty space, next to Nikki.
"Now that we're all here . . . " Amanda blushed harder as Jay trailed off. Everyone joined hands and waited until after Bradin said 'Amen' before starting to eat. After a while, separate conversations started up and Amanda was surprised to hear Nikki say, "So, Amanda, what's up?"
She looked at the younger girl for a few seconds before answering, "Nothing, I guess."
"You know, when Jay first said you were coming here, I was so excited to have another girl at least close to my age around."
Amanda smiled at how sweet Nikki was. "That's awesome. We should hang out more."
"I would really like that. It's probably getting a little boring with only Mr. Surfer Dude over there to hang out with," Nikki nodded in Bradin's direction.
Amanda laughed loudly and Nikki smiled sweetly at Bradin's inquiring stare. After dinner, Ava and Susannah stated that they had to get back to the current line of fall work clothes they were designing, and left Johnny and Jay to clean up the dinner dishes. Bradin offered to take Nikki and Derrick down to the boardwalk for ice cream, with Amanda joining them. Bradin noticed that Amanda and Nikki hung back and were deep in conversation.
"So, D, what do you think they're talking about?" Bradin asked good- naturedly as he paid for the ice cream. The two girls had claimed a table near the outside that overlooked the water.
"I don't know, probably nail polish or lipstick or something girly like that."
Bradin laughed and ruffled the younger boy's light brown hair. He paid for the ice cream and handed Derrick two while he carried the other two.
"Thanks," Amanda said. She accepted the small cup filled with chocolate chip mint and asked, "How did you know this was my favorite?"
"Saw you sneaking into the kitchen at around 2 this morning to get some," came Bradin's short reply.
Amanda laughed and took a spoonful of the ice cream. The sun was sinking below the thin line of red that was the horizon, and Bradin couldn't help but notice how it reflected on Amanda's face and made her look even more beautiful than she already was.
Once everybody was finished, they started walking back home. This time, Nikki and Derrick were hanging behind with Bradin and Amanda leading them. Amanda kicked off her sandals, holding on to Bradin's shoulder to take them off. They kept walking in silence for a while. After a few minutes, Amanda thought she felt Bradin's soft touch on her wrist, so she looked at him. He grinned nervously and she took his hand in her own, winding her fingers through his. This seemed to put him at ease.
"Goodnight," Nikki waved to the two of them while practically dragging Derrick inside. A small fire was still going out back, so Bradin and Amanda decided to stay outside for a few more minutes.
Amanda reclined on a chair near the fire, feeling its warmth on her face. Bradin dragged a chaise lounge over and did the same.
"Hey, Bradin, can I ask you a huge favor?"
"Sure."
"Will you come with my to my doctor's appointment on Friday?" Amanda asked. "It's just — never mind, you don't have to. Forget I asked."
"Hey, don't do that. Don't assume that I don't want to be there for you. I'll come."
Amanda's lips parted into an 'o' of surprise. "Really?"
"Uh-huh."
"It's just . . . you're the one I've connected with around here, y'know? I'm scared."
Bradin looked over and saw that she was desperately so. "What are you so scared of?"
"If I tell you something, do you promise that you won't tell anybody else?" After a moment's hesitation, Bradin nodded. "I'm not sure about having the baby."
"What do you mean? Like, giving it up for adoption?" Bradin asked.
A lump formed in her throat, but Amanda went on and said, "I mean I might have an abortion."
Even though he wouldn't admit it, Bradin felt cold at her confession. If she didn't have the baby, that meant she wouldn't have a reason to stay in California. No reason to stay here. Several long minutes passed until Bradin said, "Are you sure?'
"No. I'm not sure about anything yet. I need to talk to the doctor about my options, I don't even know if I'm too far along to get one."
"How far along are you?"
"Six weeks probably. I'm not certain," Amanda answered distractedly.
"So you want me to come with you because you're scared?"
"Yes."
"And do you still want Aunt Ava or Susannah to come along?"
"Yes."
This conversation was beginning to give Bradin a headache. "Okay, so are you going to tell them about it?"
"Not until I've definitely made up my mind. I don't know if I will even then," said Amanda.
"But . . . I thought you told Jay that you were going to accept responsibility for — " Bradin stopped himself when he caught the pain- filled gaze that traveled his way. "I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it. I don't know anything yet, so let's not worry about it until Friday."
"Fine with me," Bradin agreed. He reached over to take her hand again, but she shied away from his touch. It was then that Bradin knew she was going through such an inner turmoil, trying to make the decision between life or death for what she herself had created.
Friday dawned cold and drizzly, an atmosphere to perfectly fit Amanda's mood. The alarm clock between her bed and Bradin's read 7:05, and she knew that Ava and Susannah would be awake and working on their line. She also knew that Johnny would be at the office, Nikki and Derrick, as well as Jay, would be sleeping. With a quick glance to her left, she knew that Bradin was too.
She padded out of bed and slipped on a fuzzy pink bathrobe over her red plaid pajama pants and white tank top. The rest of her own clothes had arrived the previous Tuesday, along with her other possessions. She quickly tied her hair up into a sloppy bun and brushed her teeth before going to find the two women. She found them in their design room, furiously pinning a forest green skirt modeled on a mannequin.
"Hey, guys."
At first, they didn't notice her so she cleared her throat and Susannah looked up. "Hi, sweetie. You're up early."
"I know. Couldn't sleep. Do you need any help?"
Ava and Susannah looked at each other and replied in unison, "God, yes."
Amanda smiled and asked, "What do you need?"
She spent the next two hours being a human pincushion. Finally, their work was done.
"Thank you so much, you've been a big help," Ava said.
"We better start feeding time at the zoo," Susannah warned as they all heard the sounds of movement from downstairs.
Amanda's stomach turned over at the mere mention of food for the first time, and she wondered if this was the onset of the sickness she'd been warned about. Once downstairs, Amanda's fear was confirmed. Bradin stood there, holding out a plate filled with eggs over-easy and two pieces of toast on it. The sight of the runny yellow yolk dripping into the bread made her clap her hand to her mouth and run for the bathroom.
Bradin looked confused and asked, "What? It's the way she likes it."
"Not anymore, she doesn't. It would be wise not to let any more of that get within five feet of her," Susannah warned. "Or anything else that makes her toss those cookies."
For the first time, they felt it. Mostly Ava, Susannah, and Bradin, but everyone recognized it for what it was. It was the first tangible sign of Amanda's pregnancy. It made this whole thing seem so for real. Bradin flashed on what he'd told her the other night and wondered if she'd be sick much longer.
"Should I go see if she needs anything?" Bradin asked, confusion and concern lacing his voice.
Ava's face softened. "She's lucky to have someone like you around. Bring her this." She handed Bradin a wet washcloth, some saltines, and a bottle of ginger ale. "Go make her lay down for a while."
Bradin abandoned the breakfast plate on the table and accepted the items his aunt held toward him. He followed the sound of retching until he got to the bathroom across from Susannah's room. He tentatively knocked on the door, but found that it hadn't been closed fully and opened at his light touch. Amanda was kneeling on the marble floor, with her forehead resting against the toilet lid, which had been pulled up. It didn't really surprise Bradin that the sight of her in such a personal and frankly, gross position didn't make him want to leave. It just made him want to help her.
"Amanda?"
She lifted her head in response to his voice. Bradin could see that her face was pale; her blonde hair was loose and sticking to cheeks wet with tears.
"You okay?"
"No," Amanda's answer came as more of a sob.
Switching into full caretaker mode, Bradin waited until he was sure Amanda was finished vomiting, then flushed the toilet and put both lids back down. She was resting with the back of her head on the wall to the right of the toilet when he was finished cleaning up. Quickly, Bradin re- wet the washcloth with cool water and placed it against the clammy skin of her forehead. Amanda held it there herself while Bradin stood and offered his hand for her to take so she could stand. She accepted it and Bradin pulled her to her feet.
"Can you make it to the room?"
Amanda nodded feebly. Bradin took her there with one arm wrapped around her waist and the other holding her free hand. They met Jay on the way out, but Bradin just gave him a shake of the head that clearly meant "Don't ask". Jay didn't ask.
Back in the safety of her room, Amanda felt a bit calmer. She objected, but eventually let Bradin sit her down on the bed and watched as he placed a bottle of ginger ale and package of crackers on the nightstand. Even the sight of something as trivial as crackers made her stomach gurgle dangerously.
Bradin sat on his own bed. "I didn't expect this."
Amanda had said it so quietly that Bradin wasn't sure he'd heard her say anything at all. He asked, "What?"
"This. I didn't expect it."
"What, exactly?"
"Any of it. The puking, the exhaustion, already feeling responsible for a whole other life," answered Amanda weakly. She lay back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling.
"Have you thought anymore about what you told me the other night?" Bradin inquired. He wanted her to say no.
"Yes."
"And?"
"I think it would be best for everyone if I didn't have this baby. Best for me, best for it . . . " Amanda's voice cracked.
Bradin didn't know what to say to this. In all honesty, this was the most adult situation he'd ever been placed in. He settled on, "Are you positive?"
Amanda nodded with tears in her emerald eyes. "Are you going to tell everyone else about this?"
She paused before shaking her head. "I can't. They wouldn't understand. I'll just — do it and leave."
"You can't just leave." The words had left Bradin's mouth before he knew what he was saying.
"Why? I think it would be better if I just quietly did this and disappeared. I'll leave a note. You'll know everything."
No. She's not going to do this.
"Leave a note? You think that will make it alright?"
"Look, Bradin, I don't think I'll be too missed around here. Don't think that I'm not extremely grateful for everything you've all done for me, but do you really think this place could handle an infant?" Amanda brought up.
Bradin disregarded that and asked, "So, what? You're going back to Australia? Back to Brenn?"
Amanda scowled. "I wouldn't go back to him if you paid me to."
"He'll find you. And he'll be pissed that you left," Bradin cautioned. He was pulling all the stops to get this girl to stay, and he didn't have the faintest idea why.
"I know that. I can handle him . . . without another life to worry about, I'll handle him." It sounded to Bradin as if she were trying to convince herself more than him.
"Amanda, you can't do this."
"I have to, Bradin. I have no choice," she whispered.
"You have a choice! Stay here, have the baby. You won't be alone, we'll all help!"
"Why do you want me here so badly?" Amanda asked. She turned her head so she could face his equally green stare with her own.
"I don't know why. I just know that I don't want you to leave. Don't leave." Bradin knew he was practically begging, but it didn't matter to him. He needed her to stay. The why he could sort out later, but for now he just needed to get her to agree.
"We can talk about it at the doctor's later," said Amanda. Her voice was flat and emotionless, and Bradin knew he was fighting a losing battle. But fight that losing battle he would, and he knew he would find a way to turn it into a winning one.
Amanda slept on and off mostly all day until 4:45, when she got up and started getting ready for her appointment. Her hands were shaking, her stomach doing butterflies. Which was certainly not something that helped her feel better about what she was doing.
At 5:00, Ava, Bradin and Amanda piled into Jay's cherry red Jeep, graciously lent to them in place of his presence. Amanda sat in the front, clasping and unclasping her hands in a rhythmic manner. She knew from observance that it was something she'd picked up from Jay.
About ten minutes later, Ava pulled up in front of a small, white building. The white lettering on the door read 'Dr. Maureen Trudy: Obstetrician/Gynecologist'. Ava ushered Amanda inside, and Bradin brought up the rear. The waiting area was obviously designed to make one feel comfortable. The walls were painted a soft baby blue and comfortable, darker blue chairs were scattered around the room. A cherry-wood coffee table in the center held magazines along the lines of Parenting and even a book titled Pregnancy and Childbirth for Dummies. A few potted plants were scattered around as well. Surprisingly, there was only one other person there and she looked to be about the same age as Amanda. Her stomach stuck out just slightly in front of her, so Amanda placed her to be around five months along.
Ava walked up to the desk and signed in, leaving Bradin and Amanda behind. Things were still awkward between them after what had happened earlier, but Bradin decided to just push past it and support her for now. Amanda's face was still pale, and she was twisting her hands. Gently, Bradin pried them apart and took one in his own. To calm her, he rubbed a thumb lazily across her wrist in slow circles. It had the desired effect, and she relaxed. That is, until a plump nurse opened a door off the front office and called, "Amanda Robertson."
Then she stiffened again and let go of Bradin's hand. Amanda stood up and Ava followed her lead, but Amanda turned to her. "Ava . . . I don't want this to come off as rude, but would you mind terribly if just Bradin came with me?"
Ava looked shocked, but recovered rapidly with a soft smile on her face. "That's fine. If you need me, I'll be out here."
Amanda looked at Bradin, silently asking him to come with her. He read the panic in her eyes, so clear with fright, and took her hand once again. He followed her as she walked behind the plump nurse. They were led to a room at the end of a long hallway. The exam room was painted the same color as the waiting room and still felt comfortable, but there were major differences. A table was placed in the center, facing away from the door they'd just come through. A stool was against the far left wall, next to a sink and roll of paper towels. In the far right corner was another doorway. Inside, the nurse smiled kindly and asked Amanda, "I'm guessing this is your first time?"
"Yes," Amanda said quietly.
"You don't have to be afraid, honey, I don't bite."
Amanda flashed a small smile. "Now that's more like it," the nurse smiled back. "I'm Nurse Fields, but you can call me Joanna. First thing you have to do is go through that door over there and change into the gown that should be hanging on a hook near the sink," Joanna continued. "I'll be back in about five minutes when you're done." She smiled encouragingly and left.
"Go," Bradin urged Amanda. "Change. I'll be here when you get back."
Amanda came out of the bathroom doorway about three minutes later wearing a soft looking white cotton nightgown. Bradin had been expecting the standard hospital gowns, but then he realized that this place probably wanted to make people feel as natural and relaxed as possible. She held her clothes folded in her hands.
"All ready, I see." Joanna had returned. "You can put those over there," she motioned to the clothes Amanda held in her hands, then to the counter the sink was attached to. "First thing's first, hop on the scale," she said when Amanda's hands were free. Amanda did as she was told, and Joanna read the digital numbers on the top. "Hmmm . . . 110 is a tad thin for my liking." After she had taken Amanda's blood pressure, pulse, and temperature, Joanna asked a few questions, and then left, promising that the doctor would be with them shortly.
Shortly turned out to be an understatement, because the doctor arrived at the same moment Joanna walked out the door. They greeted each other, then Dr. Trudy turned to Amanda and smiled warmly. "Hello, Amanda, I'm Dr. Trudy. How are you doing?" Dr. Trudy was a tall, African-American woman with wire-rimmed glasses that accented her heart-shaped face. Her brown eyes were sincere and gave off the impression that she really cared about the answer to her question.
"Not so good, really."
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dr. Trudy replied. She closed the door and flipped open Amanda's chart. "Everything here looks normal, but your weight is a little low for keeping up the strength this requires."
"Joanna already lectured me about that."
Dr. Trudy laughed, and the melodic sound put Amanda a little more at ease. Abruptly, she turned to Bradin. "I take it this is the father?"
"Uh . . . no, this is my friend Bradin," Amanda answered awkwardly.
"Oh, sorry about that," the doctor apologized.
"No problem."
Dr. Trudy went to the sink at the left and turned the water on, running her hands under it and applying soap. She slipped on a pair of rubber latex gloves after wiping her hands on a towel. From his position by the door, Bradin could see Amanda visibly tense up. Making up his mind quickly, he went to her and held her hand, squeezing it tightly to let her know he was there.
"Okay, first thing I'll do is feel your stomach for any hardness or abnormalities," Dr. Trudy explained, while pressing down gently on Amanda's abdomen. "Does that hurt at all?"
"No."
"Good . . . okay, if you'd put your legs up here . . . " The rest of the examination, needless to say, was awkward and embarrassing, but to his credit, Bradin kept his eyes trained on Amanda's face the whole time. He noticed that her grip on his hand tightened until Dr. Trudy stepped away and went to wash her hands again. Then, she finally let go and smiled at him in relief. He smiled back.
"Everything looks good," Dr. Trudy informed them as Amanda sat up. "I'm estimating you at about seven weeks, due date somewhere around the beginning of February. The only thing left to do is listen for the heartbeat . . . I'm almost positive that we'll be able to hear it. Seven weeks is usually plenty far enough along."
"Dr. Trudy — I'd like to talk to you about something before we listen to the heartbeat," Amanda interrupted. She wasn't sure how she would handle hearing hard evidence of the life she had the power to take away.
"Sure, what is it?"
"Do I have the option of an abortion?" Amanda asked quickly, making it seem like she wanted to get the question over with and felt guilty about even asking it.
"Well, you're just shy of the cut-off mark, but I'd have to say that yes, as of right now you have that option." Amanda was unbelievably grateful that Dr. Trudy didn't change her tone of voice or expression to reflect her personal judgment. "Is that something you're considering?"
With a quick glance at Bradin, and then casting her eyes down, Amanda said, "Yes."
"Can we hear the heartbeat?" Bradin broke off the line of conversation.
Dr. Trudy looked to Amanda, who nodded, and then pulled a small machine from a cabinet under the sink. The wand that was attached to the machine with a cord, Dr. Trudy placed on Amanda's stomach and then flicked a switch. For a few seconds, nothing was heard, and despite himself, Bradin's chest gripped with fear. But then the softest of sounds was heard, almost as if it were coming from some distant place. Thump, thump. Thump, thump. The beats came in quick succession, one right after the other in a steady measure.
Bradin looked down at Amanda to see that her eyes were wide with amazement clearly shining in their depths. It faded the second Dr. Trudy put the machine away. "You can change now, I'll meet you back here in a few minutes."
Amanda changed swiftly and was back in the room, ready to talk to the doctor.
"Is it possible for you to not tell anyone if I get the abortion?"
"Under doctor-patient confidentiality laws, I'm not legally allowed to tell anybody anything unless I think you're in danger," Dr. Trudy explained patiently.
"I'd like to schedule another appointment, then. As soon as possible."
Bradin looked at her, but she didn't meet his gaze. "You can schedule it with Joanna at the front desk. More than likely, she'll get you in tomorrow."
Amanda looked up. "Thank you, doctor. For this."
When Dr. Trudy responded, there was compassion in her voice. "I know how you feel. You'll be okay, though. Everything will work out in the end."
Amanda shook her hand, and then left with Bradin close behind her. Amanda sent him to talk to Ava while she spoke in hushed tones with Joanna, and settled on a 10:15 AM appointment the following morning. It was mandatory that she bring someone along with her, but Amanda brushed it off, thinking that she'd ask Bradin. She had been planning on asking him to come anyway.
The drive home was unusually quiet. After a few perfunctory questions, Ava fell silent. Home, Ava went inside to join the others for dessert, but Amanda and Bradin walked down to the beach. Another beautiful sunset was in the process of unfolding, turning their faces golden. A couple yards down, and they stopped.
"You're definitely doing it?"
Amanda didn't have to ask what Bradin was referring to. "Yes."
He nodded his head, and blinked back the stinging from his eyes. They both sat with their backs against a rock, Amanda's hair blowing across her face in loose waves. Bradin reached over and gently pushed a strand behind her ear. Without pretense, he leaned forward and met his lips with hers. His hand moved down to her shoulder and he held it there. When he pulled away, Bradin said, "I'm sorry."
Amanda shook her head right away. "Don't be. God, don't be." Tears were swimming beneath the surface of her eyes, ready to escape. One did, and Bradin wiped it away with his free hand.
"I know this is weird, since I've only known you like a week and a half, but I don't want you to leave. Would it be selfish of me if I asked you to stay?"
Amanda swallowed the lump in her throat and shook her head. "Of course not. Would it be selfish of me if I told you that I wanted to stay?"
Bradin was taken aback. "If you want to stay, then what are you doing?"
At this, the little bit Amanda had opened up to him seemed to close before his very eyes. "Don't do this."
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't make this even harder for me than it already is. Please." Tears made their way freely down Amanda's cheeks now.
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," Bradin apologized. When she didn't seem to be calming down any, Bradin reached over and tried to hold her, but that too she pulled away from.
"Don't! Don't be so . . . so you, so caring. Please . . . " Amanda was hysterical. "Don't make this hurt more."
Bradin was almost positive now that there was another force behind Amanda's decision to get the abortion. That she hadn't reached the conclusion of her own free will. And he knew just the person he had to talk to about it.
Despite her attempts at pushing him away, Bradin managed to grab both her arms and pin them at her sides until Amanda was in his embrace. Once she was, she struggled weakly for a few minutes, but eventually wrapped her arms around Bradin's neck and buried her face in his shoulder. She curled her legs up underneath her and nestled against him. She kept muttering, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
Bradin didn't know what to make of it, so he simply held her and wished she could just let him in. Wished she would let him help.