Chapter Eighteen-HOPELESS & is there a light at the end of the tunnel?
January Fifth, 1998-The Headline of the Daily Prophet.
HARRY POTTER, The Boy Who Defeated Voldemort, DESERTS AUROR TRIANING!
"What a load of rubbish!" Tonks exclaimed.
"What's a load of rubbish? Mad-Eye Moody asked her.
"The Headline of the prophet, have you seen it yet?"
"Haven't had the displeasure yet this early morn," he replied gruffly.
"Lucky you."
"Your right, it is a load of rubbish, Give Bones a floo and tell her to put out an official statement?"
"I'll tell Kingsley, hell they may be on it already."
"Nah, they need prodding to fix any published mistakes."
"Too true."
-
-
-
-
-
-
Two Months Later, Two Months since Harry left Auror Training, two months since he last went into the magical world, two months since he last shaved...
-
How do I feel? Hopeless, completely and utterly hopeless.
Why can't I just do it? Why can't I just off myself? Why am I such a wimp I can't just kill myself?
Why.... WHY? WHY? WHY??????????????
Why does no one care about me? WHY DOES NO ONE CARE?
WHY AM I CRYING ALONE IN A DARK ROOM?
WHY AM I ALONE?
WHY DOES EVERYONE GIVE UP ON ME?
WHY CAN'T I JUST DIE?
WHY AM I STILL ON THIS FUCKING PLANET?
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?
GOD DAMMIT!
I FEEL SO HOPELESS!
NOTHING IS EVER RIGHT!
I CAN DO NOTHING RIGHT!
I FAIL AND I FAIL AND I FAIL!
I HATE THE FUCKING WORLD!
NOTHING MATTERS BECAUSE NO ONE REALLY CARES... THEY ACT AS IF THEY DO... BUT DO THEY REALLY?
NO.
WHY COULDN'T I HAVE DIED TOO?
WHY AM I ALWAYS ALONE?
WHY AM I ALWAYS ABANDONED?
WHY DOES NO ONE CARE?
why have I exiled my self to my own mind? why have I exiled my self to my thoughts of hopelessness?
why why why why?
No one cares. nothing matters. everything is hell. i hate the world.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
WHY CAN'T I SCREAM OUT LOUD?
WHY DO I internally damn myself?
why do I not just off myself?
why why why?
I am a coward!
Nothing ever works out right for me!
everything falls apart before it hits the ground.
nothing works.
NOTHING!
NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING!
WHY AM I ALWAYS FEELING AS IF NOTHING IS RIGHT?
WHY AM I SITTING HERE IN THE DARK?
ALONE.
ALWAYS ALONE IN THE DARK.
THE HORRORS COME.
YOUR INTERNAL FEARS. NO MATTER THE TIME OF DAY. THEY COME. ALWAYS.
WILL I EVER PULL THROUGH?
WILL I EVER JUST DO IT?
WILL I EVER?
WILL I EVER GET PAST THESE FEARS?
WILL I EVER TALK TO SOMEONE?
ABOUT THESE FEARS?
ABOUT EVERYTHING?
WILL I EVER COME OUT ABOUT THESE THINGS?
WILL I ALWAYS WALLOW AWAY IN SELF PITY? IN SELF HATE? IN HOPELESSNESS?
WILL THE DARKNESS EVER END FOR ME?
WILL I LIVE? WILL I DIE? WILL I SURVIVE? WILL I GIVE UP? WILL ANYTHING I DO EVER SUCCEED?
---
The next day he went to turn on the lights of his basement, dungeon of a flat. Nothing, just like the day before and the day before that,
"you'd really think two weeks after you paid your bill, they'd turn your god-damn lights back on!" He yelled to no one but himself and the mice.
He went to his refrigerator and grabbed a warm beer and sat on his bean bag chair, and picked up the book he'd been reading (by candle) to pass the time.
Beneath The Wheel, by Hermann Hesse.
It fit quite well in his state of hopelessness.
Hans, so promising, yet failing, as everything around him comes apart, so sensitive, his best friend expelled, and he falls further and further into despair, failing his former headmaster, his father, everyone.
Harry wondered often what everyone would think if he just did what Hans does in the end, wondered what they would think, how his close friends would react, how the world would react...
The next day, he flicked the switch on his closet, sorry bedroom, technically a closet, but sold as a bedroom.
Once again nothing, "Damn What was the point of even paying that damn bill?"
Harry went into the bathroom, took a shower in the shower stall, and looked at himself in the mirror, he could easily pass for a murdering hitchiker in the muggle films, or oddly enough, an eccentric professor.
Well, the latter when dressed like he was now, in a gray jumper, blue jeans and books in hand, off to the library to return his finished selections.
-
-
-
-
-
Harry Potter was sitting corner of the library reading a book of sort stories by Issac Bashevis Singer.
"Harry? Is that you, Harry?"
Harry looked up and was shocked to see Hermione Granger staring back at him.
"Hermione!" He put a mark on his page and jumped up, "How are you?"
"I'm pretty good, the big question though, is how are you? None of us have heard a word from you since before you left your training, why?"
"Sorry, I guess... as the days went by, I've felt more and more guilty for not writing that I kept putting it off, I'm sorry."
"Where have you been?"
"I have a flat."
"Do you, where? Could I have directions, where it is, how to get there?"
"Why?"
"Because Blaise, Theo, Fred, George and I have been worried about you!"
"Why?"
"Because your our friend."
"I guess you guys can come to my clos.. flat, but it's not in the best shape..."
"That's okay, who's flat is... say around seven?"
"Sure," he scribbled down directions and gave them to her.
"Don't forget, see you later, Harry," she hugged him and he hugged him back.
A man came up to her and asked, "Hermione, you ready to go?"
"Yeah Chris, bye Harry."
As they were walking away, Harry heard 'Chris' chastising Hermione, "Who in the hell is that guy? How do you know him?" is all Harry heard before they were out of ear shot.
-
-
-
-
-
Same day, seven in the evening.
Someone knocked at his door.
'Oh shit, here goes," he thougt as he went and opened the door.
"HARRY!" Chroused Fred, George, Hermione, Theo and Blaise.
"Hi," he replied sullenly.
"Cheer up there mate! We brought... what's it called again Hermione?"
"Pizza."
"We brought Pizza!"
"Cool... come in, sorry it's rather dark... but my electricity was turned off."
"They turn of eklecktrity?"
"Yeah, they do.." Harry replied to whichever Weasley twin asked the question.
"Lumos," said Blaise and he looked for a place to sit.
"Uh, Harry where should I put the... pizza?" asked a twin.
"Oh on the table, I mean my trunk. Sit on the crates, someone can have the bean bag chair if they want."
The twins plopped onto it, "Whoa! This is Wicked!"
Harry and Hermione laughed.
"Does anyone want anything to drink? I have water, warm beer."
"Beer," was the unanimous reply.
"Uh, just cast a cooling charm on it, it usually turns out all right."
"Is this your whole flat?" asked Theodore.
"Uh, that door leads to my clos... I mean bedroom, and there is the bathroom, and here's the living room and kitchen. Tadah!"
"Did you know your living in the muggle equivelent of Knockturn Alley, Harry?" Hermione inquired.
"Yeah, but... yeah."
"But what, Harry?"
"I couldn't really, um.. afford anything else."
"Why not?" asked everyone.
"My um.. inheritance doesn't kick in for another few years."
"Ah."
Everyone sat in silence for a few minutes eating there Pizza.
"Anyone want another beer?"
"Yeah."
"Sure."
"Okay."
"Be right back."
While he was in his kitchen hole, his friends were whispering amongst eachother.
"Harry, why don't you come live with one of us?" asked Blaise.
"Who?"
"Well you can't live with us..." Theo spoke up.
"Ron would right kill us if we brought you home, Harry."
"Hermione?" asked Blaise, Theodore, Fred and George.
"You could move into my place, I do have two spare rooms, what do you say, Harry, want to be roommates again?" she asked.
"Why?"
"To get you out of this hell hole (Dungeon, rats nest)." His friends replied.
"Do I have too?"
"YES!" They all chroused, got up and started to go into his things.
"What are you doing?!"
"Packing your things, because if you don't do this now, we know your too stubborn to do it on your own," Theodore replied.
"Fine!"
"Good, so it's settled?"
"I guess."
--
---
----
-----
------
-------
--------
---------
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There we have the beginning of the post hogwarts portion of this story, hope you enjoyed that, keep on reading and please please review. i really am desperate, next chapter, is um, well I'm still working the kinks out in my head, so couple days, week tops, most likely. read my one shots, want to know if there horrible or not. This is for OrangatangeGirl, who actually reviews and gives me feed back!
January Fifth, 1998-The Headline of the Daily Prophet.
HARRY POTTER, The Boy Who Defeated Voldemort, DESERTS AUROR TRIANING!
"What a load of rubbish!" Tonks exclaimed.
"What's a load of rubbish? Mad-Eye Moody asked her.
"The Headline of the prophet, have you seen it yet?"
"Haven't had the displeasure yet this early morn," he replied gruffly.
"Lucky you."
"Your right, it is a load of rubbish, Give Bones a floo and tell her to put out an official statement?"
"I'll tell Kingsley, hell they may be on it already."
"Nah, they need prodding to fix any published mistakes."
"Too true."
-
-
-
-
-
-
Two Months Later, Two Months since Harry left Auror Training, two months since he last went into the magical world, two months since he last shaved...
-
How do I feel? Hopeless, completely and utterly hopeless.
Why can't I just do it? Why can't I just off myself? Why am I such a wimp I can't just kill myself?
Why.... WHY? WHY? WHY??????????????
Why does no one care about me? WHY DOES NO ONE CARE?
WHY AM I CRYING ALONE IN A DARK ROOM?
WHY AM I ALONE?
WHY DOES EVERYONE GIVE UP ON ME?
WHY CAN'T I JUST DIE?
WHY AM I STILL ON THIS FUCKING PLANET?
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?
GOD DAMMIT!
I FEEL SO HOPELESS!
NOTHING IS EVER RIGHT!
I CAN DO NOTHING RIGHT!
I FAIL AND I FAIL AND I FAIL!
I HATE THE FUCKING WORLD!
NOTHING MATTERS BECAUSE NO ONE REALLY CARES... THEY ACT AS IF THEY DO... BUT DO THEY REALLY?
NO.
WHY COULDN'T I HAVE DIED TOO?
WHY AM I ALWAYS ALONE?
WHY AM I ALWAYS ABANDONED?
WHY DOES NO ONE CARE?
why have I exiled my self to my own mind? why have I exiled my self to my thoughts of hopelessness?
why why why why?
No one cares. nothing matters. everything is hell. i hate the world.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
WHY CAN'T I SCREAM OUT LOUD?
WHY DO I internally damn myself?
why do I not just off myself?
why why why?
I am a coward!
Nothing ever works out right for me!
everything falls apart before it hits the ground.
nothing works.
NOTHING!
NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING!
WHY AM I ALWAYS FEELING AS IF NOTHING IS RIGHT?
WHY AM I SITTING HERE IN THE DARK?
ALONE.
ALWAYS ALONE IN THE DARK.
THE HORRORS COME.
YOUR INTERNAL FEARS. NO MATTER THE TIME OF DAY. THEY COME. ALWAYS.
WILL I EVER PULL THROUGH?
WILL I EVER JUST DO IT?
WILL I EVER?
WILL I EVER GET PAST THESE FEARS?
WILL I EVER TALK TO SOMEONE?
ABOUT THESE FEARS?
ABOUT EVERYTHING?
WILL I EVER COME OUT ABOUT THESE THINGS?
WILL I ALWAYS WALLOW AWAY IN SELF PITY? IN SELF HATE? IN HOPELESSNESS?
WILL THE DARKNESS EVER END FOR ME?
WILL I LIVE? WILL I DIE? WILL I SURVIVE? WILL I GIVE UP? WILL ANYTHING I DO EVER SUCCEED?
---
The next day he went to turn on the lights of his basement, dungeon of a flat. Nothing, just like the day before and the day before that,
"you'd really think two weeks after you paid your bill, they'd turn your god-damn lights back on!" He yelled to no one but himself and the mice.
He went to his refrigerator and grabbed a warm beer and sat on his bean bag chair, and picked up the book he'd been reading (by candle) to pass the time.
Beneath The Wheel, by Hermann Hesse.
It fit quite well in his state of hopelessness.
Hans, so promising, yet failing, as everything around him comes apart, so sensitive, his best friend expelled, and he falls further and further into despair, failing his former headmaster, his father, everyone.
Harry wondered often what everyone would think if he just did what Hans does in the end, wondered what they would think, how his close friends would react, how the world would react...
The next day, he flicked the switch on his closet, sorry bedroom, technically a closet, but sold as a bedroom.
Once again nothing, "Damn What was the point of even paying that damn bill?"
Harry went into the bathroom, took a shower in the shower stall, and looked at himself in the mirror, he could easily pass for a murdering hitchiker in the muggle films, or oddly enough, an eccentric professor.
Well, the latter when dressed like he was now, in a gray jumper, blue jeans and books in hand, off to the library to return his finished selections.
-
-
-
-
-
Harry Potter was sitting corner of the library reading a book of sort stories by Issac Bashevis Singer.
"Harry? Is that you, Harry?"
Harry looked up and was shocked to see Hermione Granger staring back at him.
"Hermione!" He put a mark on his page and jumped up, "How are you?"
"I'm pretty good, the big question though, is how are you? None of us have heard a word from you since before you left your training, why?"
"Sorry, I guess... as the days went by, I've felt more and more guilty for not writing that I kept putting it off, I'm sorry."
"Where have you been?"
"I have a flat."
"Do you, where? Could I have directions, where it is, how to get there?"
"Why?"
"Because Blaise, Theo, Fred, George and I have been worried about you!"
"Why?"
"Because your our friend."
"I guess you guys can come to my clos.. flat, but it's not in the best shape..."
"That's okay, who's flat is... say around seven?"
"Sure," he scribbled down directions and gave them to her.
"Don't forget, see you later, Harry," she hugged him and he hugged him back.
A man came up to her and asked, "Hermione, you ready to go?"
"Yeah Chris, bye Harry."
As they were walking away, Harry heard 'Chris' chastising Hermione, "Who in the hell is that guy? How do you know him?" is all Harry heard before they were out of ear shot.
-
-
-
-
-
Same day, seven in the evening.
Someone knocked at his door.
'Oh shit, here goes," he thougt as he went and opened the door.
"HARRY!" Chroused Fred, George, Hermione, Theo and Blaise.
"Hi," he replied sullenly.
"Cheer up there mate! We brought... what's it called again Hermione?"
"Pizza."
"We brought Pizza!"
"Cool... come in, sorry it's rather dark... but my electricity was turned off."
"They turn of eklecktrity?"
"Yeah, they do.." Harry replied to whichever Weasley twin asked the question.
"Lumos," said Blaise and he looked for a place to sit.
"Uh, Harry where should I put the... pizza?" asked a twin.
"Oh on the table, I mean my trunk. Sit on the crates, someone can have the bean bag chair if they want."
The twins plopped onto it, "Whoa! This is Wicked!"
Harry and Hermione laughed.
"Does anyone want anything to drink? I have water, warm beer."
"Beer," was the unanimous reply.
"Uh, just cast a cooling charm on it, it usually turns out all right."
"Is this your whole flat?" asked Theodore.
"Uh, that door leads to my clos... I mean bedroom, and there is the bathroom, and here's the living room and kitchen. Tadah!"
"Did you know your living in the muggle equivelent of Knockturn Alley, Harry?" Hermione inquired.
"Yeah, but... yeah."
"But what, Harry?"
"I couldn't really, um.. afford anything else."
"Why not?" asked everyone.
"My um.. inheritance doesn't kick in for another few years."
"Ah."
Everyone sat in silence for a few minutes eating there Pizza.
"Anyone want another beer?"
"Yeah."
"Sure."
"Okay."
"Be right back."
While he was in his kitchen hole, his friends were whispering amongst eachother.
"Harry, why don't you come live with one of us?" asked Blaise.
"Who?"
"Well you can't live with us..." Theo spoke up.
"Ron would right kill us if we brought you home, Harry."
"Hermione?" asked Blaise, Theodore, Fred and George.
"You could move into my place, I do have two spare rooms, what do you say, Harry, want to be roommates again?" she asked.
"Why?"
"To get you out of this hell hole (Dungeon, rats nest)." His friends replied.
"Do I have too?"
"YES!" They all chroused, got up and started to go into his things.
"What are you doing?!"
"Packing your things, because if you don't do this now, we know your too stubborn to do it on your own," Theodore replied.
"Fine!"
"Good, so it's settled?"
"I guess."
--
---
----
-----
------
-------
--------
---------
----------
There we have the beginning of the post hogwarts portion of this story, hope you enjoyed that, keep on reading and please please review. i really am desperate, next chapter, is um, well I'm still working the kinks out in my head, so couple days, week tops, most likely. read my one shots, want to know if there horrible or not. This is for OrangatangeGirl, who actually reviews and gives me feed back!