Unspoken

I've always loved you.

For as long as I can remember, I've had these butterflies in my stomach eversince I first met you. Even when we played together as kids, I was uneasy whenever I was with you. You made me blush for some reason, and your smile made my heart go crazy.

We became friends, best of friends. I was so happy that I could be with you everyday... that I now held an excuse to be almost continually by your side, to take meals with you, to brush off the twigs and leaves that have strayed on your wealth of raven locks. But that didn't make things easier for me, no way. In fact, I was a total mess. At times I'm clumsy, especially when I try to keep calm whenever I could feel your soft skin brush against mine. Then I become stiff and awkward, as I was always too self-conscious around you. I often stammer when you talk to me, or I turn my attention to my feet (or your feet, for that matter), or else you'll see me blush. And I also just have to avert my eyes from yours... for I couldn't meet that sweet, steady amber gaze.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself? You made my life totally miserable!

...But you know what the scary thing is? I don't care.

See, I've always harbored this overwhelming care for you. You occupy my thoughts every minute, every second, every waking moment. I couldn't sleep or eat when you were sick, and I sorely missed you when you were away. I dreamt of you each night, and thought of you each moment I'm awake. It's always been this way, you know? It just came from me naturally to care for you this much. I can't understand myself sometimes. There are times when I don't function or feel rationally, but I didn't care. I was happy. I was happy to be just by your side.

But that's as far as it goes. I'm too scared and shy to tell you my feelings. What would you say? What would you do? I was afraid that if I tell you how I feel, you'd turn and walk away from me... I was so scared that you wouldn't love me back, that I had always held back all the words I wanted to say... I was so helpless, that I even wished for someone to just come right out and say it in front of your face. And even though I have mustered every ounce of my courage to tell you, whenever I start to look at you, all my defenses crumble, and something deep inside of me would stay my tongue.

Because, I know... we're not the same. We never were. Your world is different from mine; my blue sky stretches beyond yours. Somehow, I'd known right from the start that we couldn't be anything more than just friends. Deep down, I knew... everytime I gaze upon those amber depths, I feel a sharp pang inside of me, like a knife twisting and twisting inside... and somehow, I knew... you could never be mine.

But I was so damn stupid. I refused to believe what the voices inside of me were telling me. I refused to believe that you don't—couldn't—love me. I refused to believe that I wouldn't survive this one-sided love. In my mind, I replayed my memories over and over again, sweeter each time, gentler and heart-warming. I never accepted the reality that the love story I've been trying to create is nothing more than a tragedy, like an eternal music box of sadness and happiness repeating endlessly in my heart.

After all these years, I haven't learned to let go. I'm such a damn fool... I neglect to acknowledge the fact that all the pain I've been suffering in silence beautiful for all this time is partially my fault.

But I loved you. I loved you too much, so I hung on. Patiently, and secretly wishing for the day when the stars would fall, the tides would turn, the sky would cast a different shade, and you would learn to love me. That one perfect day when I'd finally see a twinkle in your eyes. That one special moment when you'd walk up to me, smile and say, "I've loved you eversince I laid my eyes on you," I was so caught up in my own fairytale, that I completely erased the fact that I existed in your little universe as nothing more than the girl who's always been around... I never did understand it... was I doing something wrong? I gave you all the signs. I stood by your side. I showered you with all my boundless love. I gave myself up for you; I gave you my everything, even my dreams. And yet, you never returned that love to me! I gave you so much! I never left a single thing for myself, I offered you everything! And much, much more. But you are just too insensitive. Don't you even care? Didn't you even notice me loving you? Didn't you notice me at all?

You have always taken everything from me, and without even realizing all this pain that you've caused! You are so selfish, you know that? Selfish and insensitive!

I hate you, you damned fool! I hate you!!!

I can't believe that I'm wasting my tears for you again. I never should have loved you. I never should have reserved my feelings for you. You never took notice. You never did. And perhaps... you never will... you never took notice of my feelings, how I cared deeply and insanely for you. It wouldn't even surprise me to know that you didn't know that I'd cry myself to sleep every night. It wouldn't... because I know that you don't.

Will you ever learn to love me, Van? Will you ever open up your heart to me? Please give me a sign... I'm so helpless... I couldn't even tell you how I feel, and yet I've been bleeding inside all this time... please give me a sign... just one sign, Van, please... just tell me if I have the right to love you... that's all I ask of you...

"Merle, why are you looking at me like that?" Van said absently. He sat cross-legged on a grassy hill underneath the shade of a tree, resting from all the walking he and Merle made that day. He had just noticed that Merle had been staring at his face with uncharacteristically melancholy eyes for quite some time, and he grew quite curious.

The little kitty blinked with a slight surprise, and took her gaze away from Van with a faint blush. She hadn't noticed that she was conveying all her feelings with her eyes. "N-Nothing," she lied. "I was just a little sleepy, and I was going to ask you if we were going home, that's all."

Van didn't say anything back. He was now looking at some far-off distance that she didn't know of. And seeing that vast, empty stare on his jewel eyes while she was waiting there with her heart held out in her hand, tore at her over and over again. Yes, Van. You never take notice. You have your mind and your heart set on somebody else. I love you, your Majesty, I love you so much that it hurts... but you never gave me the chance... you never gave me the chance...

She could feel the unshed tears starting to burn her eyes, and she had to turn away so he couldn't see. Merle closed her eyes so hard, letting the teardrops fall freely, hoping that the tears could wash all her pain and suffering away as they dropped silently on the grassy earth.

And then, Van held her close. A quick, tight embrace, that Merle was caught off guard that she blushed. They stayed like that for an eternity, it seemed, and her eyes grew heavy as she caught in his sun-drenched scent and listened contentedly to his unfaltering heartbeat. Van didn't pry his arms around her, but gently nestled her head on his chest instead. "Sleep, Merle," He murmured. "Let's take a rest here for a while longer."

This is fine. Even though the words remain unspoken, as long as I can stay by your side like this, as long as we stay forever like this, everything will be fine... and I will be fine.

End