A/N Don't own the character, JK and WB do...as for the song, it's by this great band called the Cryptkeeper Five, they're from NJ, and the song that I used here is called "untitled" I just thought it fit...Lots of Snape angst as he reflects on what perhaps may have been the biggest mistake of his life-pushing away his one chance at happiness.

He mulled over what had happened over the past few years. A roller coaster of things, a bevy of emotions. His life had been in tumult for far too long. He had bounced from one thing to another for as long as he could remember. All he wanted was something stable, something constant, something to hold him in place, something to anchor him somewhere, anywhere. Somewhere to change the way he currently felt, rather like a homeless stray. He had no place to go, no real place to call home.

He had one, once, and he'd lost it due to his own stupidity. He had a chance at real love, he had a chance at a true life, a full, happy life, and he had thrown it away. He loved her, and he knew it, but he would never admit it to anyone else. It was just too raw for him, he couldn't bear the fact that he had her, that he had loved her, and she had loved him, and he threw it all away because he was afraid. They say that love makes you do funny things, but he had never pictured leaving the one person that was meant for him as one of those things.

They still talked, to an extent. They were on amicable terms at least, they were forced to be. She had come back to teach Arithmancy at Hogwarts, and he found it hard to escape her. Finally they decided that it was better, for everyone, if they were friends, that it was better if they could at least talk to each other civilly. He had to admit, one of the things that he had missed most about her was her intelligence, and the fact that they could go on for hours about a new theory that they had read in some potions journal or anything along those lines. They got on well now; she had obviously put her past behind her.

But on late nights such as this one, he found himself pondering what could have been, what should have been, had he not been so stupid. He had always prided himself on his superb memory, and he could recall almost every instant of their relationship easily, from the moment he first set eyes on her, realizing that she had grown from the nosy know-it-all that he remembered having the misfortune of teaching to the bright young woman that she was now.

It had been after a dark revel, and he had been beaten severely, and left for as good as dead. She had been the one to find him, and for that he was forever grateful. She was his savior, healing his wounds, there, at the gates of Hogwarts, just weeks away from her graduation, and while she could have been up in her common room, partying with the rest of her house, she had been there, helping him. She would never have to see him again, and yet she was healing him, she was treating him with the kindness he had never shown her.

He remembered smiling up at her as she worked on him, giving him something to lean on as he tried to stand, but he had found it difficult, and had collapsed to the ground after taking all of two steps closer to the castle. He could see her, swaying back and forth as his eyes tried desperately to focus through the intense pain coursing through his body, but instead he found it even harder as he felt the tears welling in his eyes as his body protested the harsh torment it had been put through.

His body wasn't the only thing protesting at the time, either. Just knowing that someone that he had gone out of his way to torture over the past seven years was here helping him opened up fresh scars on his heart. He didn't know how he could smile at her while his heart wept, while all the emotions that he had kept in check by constantly telling himself that no one cared what happened to him poured out. Here was someone who cared for him, if only slightly. Here was the woman who shattered his ideal world where no one cared for him, and he didn't know why, but it made him want to cry.

Things haven't been alright in years
And although you see me smile, my heart is filled with tears
Just for a moment
I saw you and it made me smile
I fell to my knees you faded in and then you faded out
My head hung to hide my crying eyes

Their relationship had started off tentatively. She cared about him, that much had been obvious from the night that she had waited for him, waiting, watching nervously to see if he would even come back at all, waiting to see how badly he was tormented. There was no way she could have slept knowing that he was suffering, knowing that he might have been lying in some dark clearing, freezing, bleeding, and starving to death because no one wanted to care for him. She was his caretaker.

And he quickly learned to care for her in the same way. She was there at his bedside late at night, helping him, and once she had graduated, she was there even more. He appreciated what she did for him, and slowly but surely what had started off as concern had slowly blossomed into something more romantic. In the time between that one night and graduation they had slowly grown comfortable in each other's presence, they learned what the other loved and loathed, they learned every detail about the other.

And then, finally, on graduation, after the leaving feast, while all of her friends were retreating back to the Gryffindor common room, she did it. She walked up to him, where he was hiding in a dark corner of the Great Hall, avoiding the dancing couples, and kissed him. It wasn't a fierce passionate kiss, but rather a questioning, grateful kiss, one that expressed more than she ever could in words. And after leaving him breathless, she ran back to Gryffindor tower, although he never was quite sure if it was out of fear, or shame, or just a sudden desire to be with her friends.

That summer, they had slowly explored a relationship. He had his doubts, his fears about what they would be like together. He never expected it to be a fairytale romance, but for his part, he tried. He worked his hardest to avoid being the snarky, greasy git that he had been, at least around her. He tried to keep his temper in check, and tried to make things work. He had fallen, and hard, and even with his fears and doubts that they wouldn't work, things were going swimmingly.

No sooner had he thought that he had finally found someone to love, however, it was taken from him. Or rather, he lost it. He knew that it was largely his fault that she had left, that over the last weeks of their first relationship that he had drawn back, become distant. Not because he didn't love her, but rather, because he did. He loved her, and it was something completely new and different to him, something that he didn't know what it was, besides that it was everything that it was made out to be.

He tried to tell himself that he had left her for her own good, that it was too dangerous for her to love a spy. That it was too dangerous for her to love someone like him, a former Deatheater. A man who swore allegiance to no one but himself. While he may have been a member of the order, he worked for no one but himself, he had switched sides solely to save himself, although after the war, it was made out that he had been a lost youth who saw the error of his ways.

I don't think things will ever be too great
But I'll try my best to make them good, or at least ok
Just for a moment
I thought things were gonna go just my way
I fell to my knees to thank the lord but too little too late
I was wrong one more time

Now that he was working with her again, he once again found himself distant for the same reason. He still loved her, and he knew it. Although he would never admit it to anyone, he still loved her, and he found it difficult at best, and impossible at worst, to be near her. Every time he was in her presence all he wanted to do was take her into his arms and tell her that, over and over again, but he was too afraid of himself, of her reactions to do anything than retreat back to the icy cold man that he had been, retreat back to being the greasy git, the giant bat that all of his students despised.

It was a mistake to have pushed her away, but most of his life had been mistakes. It had been a mistake for him to join the Deatheaters. It had been a mistake to stay with them for as long as he had. It was a mistake to push anyone and everyone away from him. It was a mistake to have let his loyalties hang in the balance for as long as he had, not pledging allegiance to any side, but rather only to himself. His choice of friends was a mistake. Everything that he did was a mistake. His life had been a mistake. And he had done the grand master of all mistakes when he pushed her out of his life.

And now it was too late to change things. The damage had been done. And he made no moves to rectify the situation, to apologize for what he did. He loved her too much, she deserved better than him, she deserved better than a man who was nothing more than a giant mistake. She could do no wrong in his eyes, he could be the richest, happiest man in the world, and she could take that away from him and he wouldn't care. He had been rich and famous, for a short time after the war, the infamous spy, and he had lost it all. It was her fault, she should have never helped him, she should have never been so beautiful, so wonderful. She had ruined his chance to be almost happy by being so wonderful, but he didn't care, he still loved her.


I've had my fill of heartaches
Made my share of mistakes
And I know
nothings ever gonna change a thing that we do
Well I could own the world and lose it all
And it could be all your fault
But I know nothings ever gonna taint my love for you

He looked out the window, over the snow covered grounds, staring at the spot at the start of the forbidden forest where she had found him, three and a half years ago. It was this time three years ago when he realized just how deep his feelings for her were, it was this time three years ago that he had started to withdraw from her, afraid of love, afraid of the way she would react to his love. So he had reverted back to the stiff over confident man he had been when he had been a spy, a double agent.

It had felt so good to put that man behind him, but his reprieve from himself had been short, a mere matter of months, before he found himself once again the heartless man that he had been. He stood at the window now, watching as she crossed the grounds from Hagrid's hut towards the large ornate front doors and looked so sure of himself, looked so confident, so arrogant. He had a look of passive indifference on his face, the air of a man who was so confident in himself that the world could crash down around him and he would be fine.

Despite all the airs he put on, he was trembling. This was his chance to right things; he wanted it to go well. He wanted to tell her how she had haunted his dreams for the past three years, that the reason that he had withdrawn was because he had fallen in love with her, not fallen out of it like she thought. He wanted to tell her how she had left him broken, shattered, how the only reason why he had gone on was out of sheer spite for himself. He had gotten himself into this mess, no point in taking the fool's way out.

He had lost her, and it broke him. He had never known what love really was, beyond platonic love. He had loved his sister, he loved the Headmaster as a father figure, but he had never known how forceful it was to truly love someone. And after he had pushed the one he loved away, after it was his fault that she was gone, it had left him feeling emptier than anything els in his life. It hurt more than constant bouts of Cruciatus, it hurt more than being beaten physically at the hands of the Deatheaters.

But here was his chance to change things, to make things between them right, and he fidgeted nervously, watching as she opened the large doors. As he walked through the castle, heading for the Great Hall, where he knew that he would see her, he knew that the only reason why she had come back was for dinner, he contemplated what he would say. He wanted to just sweep her away and tell her he loved her poetically, like something out of a bad romance novel, but he couldn't.

He wanted to tell her that he was wrong, that she was right. That he was wrong to have pulled back, that he was wrong to have been afraid of his feelings, and that she had every reason in the world to leave him. He wanted to tell her how much of a fool he had been for letting her go, that he would rather die a thousand deaths than lose her again, for surely death had to be less torturous than unrequited love. At least death came quickly and easily, when done correctly. Unrequited love lasts forever.

Things haven't been alright in years
And although you see a man who's sure
I'm sure of nothing
Just for a moment
I lost you and it broke me down
But you're here now
And that's all I really care about
I was wrong we're alright

She nodded her hello at him as he sat down next to her, looking harshly over the students. At least this was neutral ground, he could trust her not to make a scene in front of the students, it was one of the reasons he chose to do it over dinner. There was also the fact that it would be difficult for her to leave halfway through her meal, and she had no choice but to sit next to him. He swore Dumbledore had seated them next to each other at the high table solely for the purpose of the conversation he was about to have with her.

"So, who do you think is going to win the cup this year?" She asked him, searching for some thread of conversation. They had formed a friendship, she had obviously put the events of the past behind her if she could come back into his life completely platonically as she had. She was one of the few people that he could trust fully, one of the few that would talk to him willingly, and he knew that he was one of her closest friends.

He didn't want to ruin their friendship, he valued it too much, but at the same time, he wanted to make things between them work. He would try his hardest to make things work. He couldn't guarantee a fairy tale romance, he couldn't guarantee things to be perfect, with a happy ending, but he wanted things between them to work. He didn't care if they were madly in love with each other, using silly pet names and snuggling at every chance they got, the thought of being that lovesick sickened him. But he wanted her to know exactly how much he cared for her.

I don't think things will ever be too great
But I'll try my best to make them good, or at least ok

"Slytherin." He said simply, looking over his house table. "Seems that Gryffindor doesn't stand a chance since the Golden Trio graduated." He could feel her eyes on him, and he heard a soft chuckle coming from the seat on his right.

"Then why is it that Slytherin is almost a hundred points behind?" she pointed out, gesturing with the back end of her fork at the four hourglasses that showed the amount of points each house had.

"Midyear slump." He said, turning his attention back to his meal. He couldn't do this, not here with all the people around him. He would rather suffer her wrath alone than be humiliated in front of staff and students alike. She was eating quickly, he noticed, probably hurrying along to finish grading papers or spend time in the library away from the students. He matched her pace, wanting to leave at the same time she did. He waited for her to excuse herself, and waited a moment before following her himself.

It took him no time at all to catch up to her, his long, quick strides making it easy to get around the castle. He found her chatting amicably with the Fat Lady, and she looked up when she saw him. "Severus, what brings you near Gryffindor tower? Not trying to sabotage my former house are you?" The tone of voice was light, teasing. He remembered how she could tease him about-other things-with that voice so well.

"No, actually, I was wondering if I could have a word with you." He said, finding himself almost choking on the words. He was Severus Snape, man of poetic calmness, able to spin his words into a glorious picture, not a shy fifth-year. Why was he finding it so hard to tell her what was on the tip of his tongue?

"Of course." She said, walking a bit further down the hall and muttered the password to her private rooms. "Tea?" She asked him, and he merely nodded, finding any words to be difficult. She busied herself with preparing it, and after they were both settled down on the overstuffed maroon leather armchairs, she looked up inquisitively at him. "So?" she questioned, taking a sip of her tea.

"So." He replied, looking down into his cup rather than at her.

"What was it that you wanted to talk to me about?" He gulped, it was now or never.

"I-um-well," He took a moment to gather his composure back around him, sliding into his professor mode. It was the only way he wouldn't stumble through everything and then get up and leave. "I just came by to apologize."

She quirked a eyebrow at him, something that he knew that she had learned from him. "Oh really, for what?" she questioned, setting her cup down on the small table in front of her.

"For the way I treated you." He said simply, ready to leave if she kicked him out.

"Oh. So you think you can just come back and apologize then? Think you're a little late there." The words were quiet, uncharacteristic for her usual rage, and he could see that she was fighting with herself.

"Hermione-"He started, trying to come up with some sort of defense, some sort of explanation, even though he knew that he had lost this fight.

"Don't Hermione me." She had gotten up and was standing in front of him. "Did you honestly think that after three years everything would be peachy keen and we could just start over, like things had never happened? Do you think that I'm forgiving enough to forget about the way that you pulled yourself-rather forcefully-out of my life and then come back and give you a second chance?'

"I'm not asking for a second chance!" The words were loud, almost bellowing. This was Severus Snape, the cruel, vindictive man that hid his feelings behind a calloused mask. He found himself nose to nose with her, harsh ebony eyes boring into angry brown. "All I was asking was for you to forgive me." The words softened, as well as the gaze.

"You always have an ulterior motive." She said, staring at him.

"Perhaps." He said, still staring at her with his unrelenting gaze.

"So what is it now? The whores in Hogsmeade not enough for you now?" His eyes narrowed into slits, hiding the hurt that they showed. Her words dug deep.

"I came here to ask you for forgiveness, I acted like a fool at the time. Though at the moment, I'm wondering if that decision might have been wise." The words were out before he knew what he was saying. She broke his gaze and stormed towards her bedroom, separated from the sitting room by an ornate oaken door. "Hermione, wait." He called as she reached it, fully intent to slam it in his face. There was something about his tone of voice that made her stop. "I'm sorry."

The two words were ones that he hardly ever said, he had far too much pride to apologize. But he was wrong, and he knew it. He was wrong to have pushed her from his life, and he was wrong to do it again, there was no way that he was going to let her go, not this time. "I didn't come here asking for a second chance. I came here to apologize for the way I acted three years ago, the way I'm acting now. I don't want to ruin what we have now between us, I'd rather have you only as a friend than nothing at all. But I wanted you to know that I acted, that I still act the way I do because I was afraid." He turned to leave, almost ashamed at what he said, uncharacteristically raw and candid for him.

"Severus, wait." He turned around and looked at her, one eyebrow cocked. "What were you afraid of?"

"Love." The word was quietly muttered, but there was no mistaken what it was the he had said. He again turned to the door, opening it quickly. He had ruined things, he had pushed her totally out of his life.

"Severus-"She called again, and again he turned, despite the fact that his mind was screaming at him that he was opening himself up to be hurt even more than he already had been. "You're forgiven. Can't let a silly thing like love interrupt a friendship, can we?" She was grinning, with that same light teasing tone that she had that drove him wild. He felt the corners of his mouth twitch up instinctively.

"No we can't." She crossed over to where he was and gave him a soft peck on the cheek as she closed the door behind him, leaving him to wonder if he would ever have a second chance with her. At the moment, knowing that she forgave him, and that she was still willing to be his friend was all he needed. He felt the smile on his face, an unnatural thing, but try as he might, he couldn't erase it.

If we ever walk that road again
I want you to know right here right now
You're my best friend