"Oh yeah, baby," said the vampire as he prepared to sink his fangs into the frightened young lady."
"Okay, with that chef's hat on I could see you a mile away," said Buffy as she rounded the corner into the dark alley. "You guys need to be more sneaky."
"The Slayer," said the vampire.
Buffy's eyes widened as she realized that her vampire was a celebrity.
"Hey, you're that goofy cooking guy on TV," she said. "I knew something was funny about you the day you stopped using garlic in absolutely all of your recipes."
He tossed his prey to the side and smiled as he focused on his opponent. "Whaddya say we kick things up a notch, eh Slayer?"
"Okay by me," said Buffy as she ducked to avoid vampire-Emeril's left hook. Quickly, she rolled towards him and undercut him with her powerful legs, sending him crashing backwards onto the ground.
"It's gonna take a little more than that to stop me Slayer," said the cooking-show-king-turned-creature-of-the-night. "Prepare for a little Essence of Emeril."
As he lept to his feet, Buffy grabbed a wooden spoon out of the pocket of Emeril's coat.
"Bam," she shouted as she drove the spoon through his chest, turning the vampire into dust.
"Ya know," said Buffy as she helped the frightened girl up from the corner of the alley, "It's things like this that make my job worthwhile. But why do I suddently have a craving for kiawe wood-smoked pork chops with green apple chutney and an apple-soy glaze?"