CHAPTER NINE

His life was passing before him…

Like a series of movies stills, images flashed across his mind. He tried to reach out and grasp them, but it was all in vain, he could not link the pictures to memory, they did not exist. There were places he did not recognize, faces he could not identify, voices he failed to distinguish, scenes which seem to almost have happened…

There was a feeling of familiarity somehow, like he could almost call out their names, they felt so close and yet so distant, his heart told him he knew them, but his mind was unable to put words to depiction…

He wanted so badly to grab hold of something…anything that could help him make sense of the confusion in his heart…

Anything…

Heero strained to open his eyes and focus his vision to make out his surroundings, his face hurt, in fact, his entire body hurt. He looked around in confusion, and realized he was in a hospital bed. Then his gaze fell upon someone next to his bed.

"Duo…"

He tried to call his name, but it came out like a croaked whisper, his throat was dry and sore. Still the other boy sensed his wakening and their eyes met.

"Welcome back, sleeping beauty" Duo smiled "How're you feeling?"

"Where…where am I?" Heero asked.

"You're in the hospital, I should think the bed and machines would provide a clue" Duo replied "You've been out for a long time"

Only then did Heero notice the amount of machinery he was rigged up to with various tubes and needles "What…what happened?"

"That's what I want to ask you!" Duo shook his head "What were you thinking of anyway? Leaving the gas going like that? If I hadn't arrived on time, you would've…" he shuddered at the thought "Well it would've have been pretty"

It slowly came back to Heero, the gas escaping, him trying to stop it and failing to do so…falling...someone calling his name…

I think I love you…

"You…you saved me…" He whispered "Duo…thank you…"

Duo stared at him for a moment and thought "You never wanted anyone to save you before, and you were never grateful to anyone who made a effort to do so…But now…" The gratitude was pouring from Heero's eyes and made Duo's heart melt into a gooey puddle.

"Don't mention it Heero" He said with a wave of his hand "I expect to be repaid one day"

"Count on it" Heero smiled despite the pain "If you ever need me, I'll be there"

"I surely hope so..." The thought flashed across Duo's conscience "But I can't be certain of anything anymore…"

He cringed, recalling the panicked sensation that raced across his chest when he first detected the gas and saw the unconscious Heero on the kitchen floor.

"If he still had his memory, none of this would've happened, he wouldn't have made such a mistake if he was still his old self, in fact, I don't think a bit of gas would be sufficient to knock him out anyhow…"

Duo sighed, "It's my fault in a way, I should've known better than to have left him on his own like that…" He shook his head. In amongst his concern and guilt there was also a trace of disappointment "I would've thought this counted as a 'traumatic experience'" He murmured "But obviously it's still not enough to make him remember…"

He looked down at the figure in the bed, and shivered. Heero's eyes were closed, presumably he was asleep, but Duo couldn't help but imagine what may have been if he had not returned in time…if he had stopped on his way to do something else…what would've…

NO! He shouted silently. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!

He fell back into his chair, suddenly, he was tired.

*                                  *                                  *

The following evening…

For Heero, it was pointless to even try going to sleep that night, although he had been advised to get a good deal of rest when he left the hospital that morning, but since he got home (For he now considered it to be so) Quatre had insisted he get sleep straight away, and so, with some help from his personal druggie Trowa, Heero was put to bed for twelve hours straight.

So now, in the dead of the night, Heero found himself opening his bedroom door, with a jacket in one hand and his pillow in the other.

He softly made his way towards the balcony, but halfway there he stopped.

There was another figure there, a flicker of hope flashed across his heart. "Duo?" He thought, perhaps he's out moon-watching again, but upon closer inspection he realized it wasn't. The figure was dressed completely in white, with his raven-black hair tied into a tight ponytail at the back of his head.

As if he could sense his presence, Wufei turned around. He didn't say anything, nor did he smile or gesture for Heero to approach, but Heero still ventured forward anyway.

"Hey…" He greeted as he stepped onto the balcony "I didn't expect anyone else to be up so late…"

"So you realize it's late?" Wufei chided "Why aren't you in bed? If Quatre saw you like this he'd have a fit"

"You try sleeping after been knocked out for half a day!" Heero protested "It's not that easy you know! And honestly, Quatre worries too much" He sat down in the balcony chair and hugged his pillow to his chest "And he gets angry too easily as well" He added, remembering the lecturing session the blond pilot had given him just before putting him to bed.

"You think?" Wufei raised an eyebrow "Come on, you should appreciate that guy, I mean, he's got the best temper out of any of us, he was just frustrated that's all…"

"Really?"

"Yeah…I reckon he's the only one out of any of us who would actually still talk to you after the way you…umm…'greeted' him…"

Heero blushed slightly, remembering his coffee high right on the night of arrival here, well it was all Duos' fault anyway…

"Why are you up anyway?" Heero asked "Don't tell me you're into the lunar thing as well"

Wufei shrugged, and turned away "I am" He admitted softly.

"Man, what's with that?" Heero gazed at the glowing crescent in the sky "I know it's beautiful and all but…what makes it so fascinating that both you and Duo love it so much?"

"When I was younger…" Wufei began after a sigh "I was told so many stories about that place, what it contained…so many myths, beautiful, magical myths that I set my dreams upon…" A sense of nostalgia came into his voice "We could see the moon from the colony of course, but it wasn't the same, we saw it too clearly, I never associated it with those stories I heard…"

He trailed off, and fell silent for a moment, he didn't know why he was telling Heero all this, it wasn't as if they had been terribly close even before he had amnesia, but for whatever reason, he felt as if it was appropriate to reveal some of his heart now…to him…

"But then I grew up" He went on quietly "And I found out that the place that was so full of magic in my childhood was nothing like what I was told, there was no beauty there, it was full of the same corruption and evil as there were anywhere else…"

"Watching it from afar…" His eyes glittered with melancholy "I can almost relive those dreams again…it's almost like…a link with the unstained past…and one needs to hold on to something when they're in such an ugly war…it's what keeps us going…"

Heero watched the dark haired boy in silence, he never imagined that beneath Wufei's defense of anger, he had such a vulnerable side…

I wonder if he's ever…

"Wufei…" The question came out of nowhere but suddenly Heero felt the urge to voice it "Have you ever been in love before?"

Wufei was completely taken aback at the question and immediately his guard was up again "What? Why are you asking me this?!" He demanded.

"I just…"Heero pulled his pillow closer and shrugged "I was just wandering if you know what it feels like to be…" His voice faded.

Wufei watched him closely for a moment, he knew who was on Heero's mind, at least, who he was trying to relate the question towards. After a moment, he spoke up softly:

"I don't think I'll ever know…"

Heero frowned, puzzled "What do you mean?"

"I never had the chance to find out…I may have been in love, but it must've been only brief…I'll never know if it was real or just my minds' playing tricks on my conscience, so I'll never find out…"

   Heero was perplexed "Exactly what did happen?"

   Wufei sighed "When I was fourteen I had an arranged marriage to the daughter of another family in the clan…"

   "Fourteen!" Heero exclaimed softly "Wufei! You're married?!"

   "I was" There was a hint of annoyance in his reply, but that faded away as he went on "Her name was Long Meiran, we never approved of each other…for various reasons" He sighed again "But she was one of the strongest women there were…she wanted to fight for the colony, and denounced her feminine state to do so…she called herself Nataku.."

   "Nataku!" Heero's eyes widened at the recognition of the name.

   "Yeah that's right…" Wufei went on "But it was because of such fighting that she died…"

   "Oh my…" Heero lowered his eyes "I'm so sorry…"

   "There's no point in you saying that, this all happened quite a while ago…" Wufei's shoulders seem to sag and Heero couldn't help thinking how strange it was seeing the warrior out of composure "But it was all so pointless!" Wufei leant against the railing "It was all useless…the colony she fought to protect…she died to protect…it fell under the scrutiny of Oz anyhow…it was all for nothing!"

   Heero wondered if he was going to cry, his shoulders were trembling slightly and his fists were tightly clenched, and he felt guilty for bringing up such a subject. But when Wufei turned back to him, his eyes were perfectly dry.

   "What made you think of that anyway?" He asked, his voice once again regaining its' calm.

   "Oh…I just…" Heero tried to respond, but a slight evening breeze caused him to shudder.

   "Put that jacket on" Wufei instructed "Duo'll kill me if I let you get a cold while chatting with me"

   "Duo…" Heero pulled on the jacket, the name brought a funny feeling to his chest "Are you close to him Wufei?"

   "Maxwell?" Wufei sneered "What do you think?"

   "I…" Heero tipped his head to one side "I don't know…you guys seem to yell at each other a lot, actually, you seem to get mad at him a lot and he just seems to annoy you…but then again..."

   Duo's voice came to the back of his mind…I admire him, and I like him… He had told Heero in reference to Wufei, so what was the other side of the story like?

   "Honestly Heero…if you're thinking about what happened that morning in the hallway, I can tell you it was absolutely nothing!"

   "Oh I don't mean anything like that…but, Trowa told me that, beneath all your masks, you really do care about each other…"

   Those piercing black eyes seem to soften for a moment "Trust Trowa to tell you that…" He almost smiled "I don't like to show it but…"

   "But you do like him don't you?" Heero finished off for him.

   "Without him around the place would get depressing a lot more easily" Wufei started to pace the length of the balcony "Sometimes when situations get really grim, he's the only one who can lighten up the situation, his tactics may be annoying, but at least they worked…at times…so…" He smiled in such a way it seemed uncharacteristic "Yeah, I'm grateful to him…"

"But you call him a baka"

"I know…but who can help it?" Wufei laughed "I mean you look at the stunts he pull sometimes, ugh!" He shook his head "It's like, you feel he belongs in a clown suit more than Trowa does…but really…" He added more seriously "Beneath that…he's one of the most intelligent people I've ever known, he thinks fast, has street smarts that the rest of us lack…well, he really isn't an idiot in that sense"

Heero smiled "I guess he's pretty amazing eh?"

Wufei stopped at the opposite end of the balcony, slightly embarrassed at all he had said, but as he turned to look at Heero, he felt he might as well go all the way, what did it matter anyway? He wanted those two to get it sorted out as soon as possible, so since he had already come this far, he may as well go the whole way.

"Heero…" He called softly "Don't waste it"

The other boy looked at him, confused.

"I mean…" He made his way back to him "Don't end up the way I did…don't wait until it's too late, find out while you can, don't waste your chance…"

"What…do you mean?" Heero asked, although he knew perfectly what Wufei was referring to.

"We're all soldiers, I'm sure you're aware of that" Wufei continued "Anything could happen to any of us at anytime, and there's no telling of what the next day may bring, if you want to do something, you better do it right away 'cos there's always the possibility that you'll lose the chance to…"

Heero felt a violent shiver down his spine; he didn't want to imagine anything that might happen to Duo, but Wufei had a point…

"I…what are you saying I should do?" He asked helplessly.

"What do you mean what am I saying?!" Wufei wanted to choke him in frustration "Isn't it perfectly obvious?!"

"Huh?"

"Duo was out here a few nights ago, and he was just as lost as you are now, you two really are a clueless pair, so hopelessly thick!"

"Huh?" Heero repeated, it was all he could manage.

"Duo was telling me all this stuff…he thinks you have a crush on Trowa"

"I…" Heero didn't know how to respond, he did feel drawn to Trowa for a while back then, but now…he didn't want Duo to be mistaken about something like that…

"Well?" Wufei said expectantly.

"What…?"

"Aren't you going to try and correct his misinterpretations? I'm sure you had him pretty worked up…and this was before the gas thing happened, I don't even want to think about his state of mind now"

Heero smiled and shook his head "Baka.." He imitated Wufei's tone.

"No he isn't" Wufei said "He may be loud and crazy and annoying, but in these aspects he's no baka…"

Heero stood up, still clutching his pillow "I guess…but…what am I meant to say?"

"Just…tell him…"

"How can I…"

"Look, the longer you drag this out the harder it'll be, like I said before, you can't afford to waste time, because that's one thing no one has a grasp on"

"But I…"

"Just get in there!" Wufei demanded "I'm getting tired of the way you're acting, just come out of it okay? Hurry up and get cozy, the falseness is making me sick"

Hearing Wufei's voice return to it's usual assertive tone somehow gave Heero the courage he needed, and he stepped through the door quickly.

"Thanks Wufei…"

"Whatever…" Wufei turned his focus back to the moon "Why am I getting all this gratitude from those two all of a sudden…ugh! Why do I get involved anyway?"

Because they were his friends, whether he wanted to admit it openly or to himself, and he cared, because now, they were all he had…

                              *                                  *                                  *

A dull glow peaked out from under the door to Duo's room, telling Heero that he was still awake. He stopped in front of the door for a moment, wondering whether or not he should be doing this…

You can't afford to waste time… Wufei's voice came back to him.

"That's right" He uttered to himself "I have no time to lose…"

Without further hesitation, not even bothering to knock, he swung open the door and entered.

"WHOA!!" Came the cry from the bed "What the…Heero?!" Duo rubbed his eyes as if he thought he was hallucinating "Why…what are you doing up?"

"Your light was on" Heero stated simply, and approached the bed.

Duo backed into one corner of it was if he was frightened "What…Heero…are you alright? What are you doing here?"

"Duo" He said calmly, despite the crazy pounding of his heart in his chest "I need to talk to you…after what happened yesterday, I can't risk losing another chance to tell you…"

Duo stared at him, wide eyed "Heero…"

"Let me finish first!" Heero placed a hand on Duo's lips to silence him "As I was laying there, I heard your voice calling to me, and I wanted so badly to answer, but I couldn't…" He swallowed hard "But I suddenly realized…I…I…"

Say it! Commanded a voice in his heart. Say it to him! Tell him now!!

"I…I love you" He finally uttered.

Duo stared at him blankly, and Heero's heart sank, this wasn't the reaction he had anticipated.

"Heero?" Duo finally whispered "I know you're grateful to me and everything… but…you don't have to…have to put yourself into this kind of situation…it's alright…"

No it's not alright you baka! Heero wanted to scream.

"I guess Wufei sold me out…I heard you guys out there" Duo smiled weakly "You know, it's alright, I'm okay…you don't have to do this…"

I'm not doing it because I have to! I'm doing it because it's what I want!!

"So I'll just pretend you didn't say any…"

Heero could stand it no longer, and he grabbed the front of Duo's nightshirt and pulled him towards himself, before Duo had a chance to react, they were lip locked.

Duo's eyes widened, he couldn't react to the sudden gesture, his own pulse racing out of control…

Heero…!!!

At length, he pulled away and their eyes met.

"Don't doubt me Duo" Heero whispered "It took all my courage to come and tell you this…you can't doubt me now…"

"I…" Duo looked at him meekly "You really meant it…? You really…loved me?" His voice ended in a soft squeak.

"I do" The response was more certain than ever.

The two of them sat and stared in silence for a moment, suddenly Duo's face broke into a huge grin.

"Heero!" He laughed and reached out to him "You're more perfect than you ever were!" His arms curled around Heero's neck and they fell back onto the bed.

"So does this mean you're going to come back to me now?"

"I haven't slept properly since the day I left, of course I am!"

Duo laughed again "Me neither!" He held him closer.

Heero sighed in contentment, once again he felt safe, Duo's embrace was so warm and comforting…

Comfort…safety…trust…

Yes, it was Duo, it had always been Duo…

He snuggled closer to him, and for the first time in a long while, he knew where he belonged.