Scene: Camden Kitchen
Lucy is sitting, reading a book. Enter Mary.
Mary: Hi Luce, what's that?
Lucy: Oh, it's just my history textbook. Today I'm reading about the history of the Reformation in France.
Mary: What's that?
Lucy: I dunno, something about a bunch of guys with silly hats. Some pope with the white hat didn't like these helmet guys called the Huge-0 Astronauts or something. Anyway, it's kind of dumb, but I'm interested to see how it all turns out. Haven't you heard of the Reformation? That's where Robbie went to school for a while. Reformation school.
Mary: No, I mean, what is France.
Lucy: Geez, Mary, you are such an imbecile. France is that part of Canada where they speak different. Like the spell things with an E where we spell things with an A. You know, the Montreal Canadiens? What did Robbie ever see in you, you moron.
Mary: Shut up, twit.
Lucy: Bring it on, dumbellina.
Mary: Where's Robbie, anyway? I want to shamelessly throw myself at him again. I know he loves me deep down, even though that's virtually impossible to tell because he never changes the expression on his face. Lucy: Shut up. He obviously likes me more than he likes you.
Mary: You're a shameless tramp.
Lucy: Me? Think about it, you're the one who throws herself at every guy.
Mary: Well, you listen, you..gurgle. you.. Sffrppt. boyfriend!.. duh duh duh.. Hair gel!
Lucy: What?
Mary: Sorry, I temporarily forgot how to speak English because I am an imbecile, and I was reduced to random words and gurgling noises to communicate. Hey, there is somebody under the table!
[Enter Robbie, from under kitchen table]
Robbie: Hi girls.
Lucy: Robbie, what were you doing under the table?
Robbie: I was practicing stalking. Mrs. Camden showed me how.
Lucy: Oh really.. Wait wait wait, I didn't really over-act that time, let me try again. OH REALLY!!
Robbie: I'm sorry, but no matter what you do I won't change my facial expression. Well, maybe if my girlfriend comes over I'll fake a half smile.
Mary: Hey Robbie, would you care to join me in the garage for an overly elaborate and utterly preposterous plan to get you alone so I can throw myself at you again, as if you were the only male member of the city of Glen Oak who wasn't married to me?
Robbie: Elaborate? Preposterous? Those are some pretty big words for someone who gets confused putting on nail polish.
Mary: Alright wise guy, this is parody so bear with me a bit. Robbie: Well, since you just broke the "fourth wall," can I mention the email of the author of this scene?
[Enter Happy]
Happy: No, I'm going to enter and say it. I'm the most neglected dog in the city. Have you ever seen anyone feeding me, taking me for walks, cleaning up after me? The email is FunnyHatUS@yahoo.com, and the website is www.geocities.com/funnyhatus. Good bye.
[Exit Happy]
Robbie: Wow, I never knew Happy could talk.
Mary: Gurgle, pptpppt, duhhh
Lucy: This scene is getting tiresome. I'm going to go upstairs and plan my outfits for the next week and think of other things to argue about with Mary. See ya.
[Exit Lucy]
Mary: Where is Simon?
Robbie: He's on a date.
Mary: Do you know where my parents are?
Robbie: Stalking him. Your dad put on a fake mustache and is pretending to be the waiter, and your mom hid in the trunk of their car.
Mary: I wish they'd stop doing that.
Robbie: I agree. But considering that your father knows every police officer in the city, I don't think we have anything to worry about. I think he has dirt on them too.
Mary: I'm sorry, I'm incapable of having more than a few minutes of conversation dedicated to something other than my romantic life. Despite my failed efforts to corner you in the garage alone, would you care to go into the living room so I can once again throw myself at you?
Robbie: Ok. But before we go, let's talk to Matt, who is now entering.
[Enter Matt]
Matt: Where's Ruthie?
Mary: She's upstairs teaching the twins to smoke.
Matt: Ok. I hope she's finished my medical school applications. I'm really nervous she won't get it done on time.
Mary: Why didn't you just do your application yourself? And aren't you upset about the smoking thing? I was just kidding anyway.
Matt: I'm to preoccupied with my own life to be concerned with such trivia as smoking. As for the applications, I don't think it's wise for me to be filling out my own, do you? Ruthie is, clearly, the most intelligent member of the household, even at age 11.
Mary: Well, what are you going to do when you have to go for your interview?
Matt: Gee, I don't know. Looks like we're going to have a Very Special Episode where I confront Ruthie. Or something.
[Enter Simon, Eric, Annie]
Simon: Couldn't you have at least let me finish my appetizer?
Anne: No, that girl was trouble, Simon. I'm very disappointed in you. That girl looked as if she had some coca cola under her arm.
Simon: Coke? Wow, have your standards gotten harsher. Besides.
Annie: Silence! I am the master here, and despite my borderline psychotic behavior, you will obey!
Eric: Simon, what you're mother's trying to say is.
Annie: Shut up! You're only going to encourage him. Besides, we are going to talk later, alone.
Eric: Oh joy.
Annie: You're already in enough trouble as it is, Reverend Camden. Take that!
Eric: Aaaahh! Did you shock me? Were you carrying that remote control the whole time?
Annie: Yes. And every time you disobey me, I will activate the electrical current I've placed throughout your body.
Simon: You two take all the fun out of teenage angst.
Annie: Good. Go to your room. But make sure you come down in 30 minutes or so, so that we can have a tearful reconciliation.
Simon: Fine, fine, fine.
Eric: Atta boy, son.
Annie: Ha!
Eric: Aaaaah!
[Exit Simon. Enter Lucy]
Lucy: Mom, can I go to a party tomorrow night?
Annie: Who is taking you?
Lucy: The son of the mayor of our town. Here is a complete psychological report on him, along with the results of an FBI background check, plus a complete dossier I had the CIA put together. I also have 3 letters of recommendation for him.
Annie: No, I don't know the boy. I have arbitrarily decided he is a bad influence.
Lucy: Mom! I'm sure it's fine.
Annie: If you agree to have him over to the house before you go, I'll consider it, assuming he passes the polygraph and no secrets come out after we give him the truth serum.
Lucy: Oh, forget it. Instead I'm going to go lust after Robbie, the street urchin Mary used to date that you've agreed to live in the house.
Eric: I'm sorry, honey, it's just that we don't know the boy and Aaaahahhhh!
[Exit Lucy]
Eric: You know, I thought tonight, alone, we might..
Annie: Keep it up, preacher-boy, and I'll put the electrodes back in a place you won't like. Now go back into the basement while I cook dinner. If you behave I'll let you like the grease out of the chicken bowl. But don't expect any of my food.
[Enter Ruthie]
Ruthie: Even though I'm only 11, I'm the one who is supposed to come at the end of the show and ask leading questions that reveal some truth of the situation to the adults. Similarly I have secrets about every member of the family.
Annie: Well, what secrets do you have for us today?
Ruthie: Well, Dad likes to put on your underwear when you're not home, and
Happy likes to take dumps in the fireplace.
Annie: Oh ho ho. Even though you didn't say anything funny, my inexplicable mood swings cause me to laugh. Hahaha!
Eric: Yes, Ruthie, you're just wonderful. I can see the moral of the story now.
Annie: Oh really, Eric, and what is that?
Eric: That deep down, we're all a really happy, normal family.
Annie: Guess again.
Eric: Aaahhh!
END
Mary: Hi Luce, what's that?
Lucy: Oh, it's just my history textbook. Today I'm reading about the history of the Reformation in France.
Mary: What's that?
Lucy: I dunno, something about a bunch of guys with silly hats. Some pope with the white hat didn't like these helmet guys called the Huge-0 Astronauts or something. Anyway, it's kind of dumb, but I'm interested to see how it all turns out. Haven't you heard of the Reformation? That's where Robbie went to school for a while. Reformation school.
Mary: No, I mean, what is France.
Lucy: Geez, Mary, you are such an imbecile. France is that part of Canada where they speak different. Like the spell things with an E where we spell things with an A. You know, the Montreal Canadiens? What did Robbie ever see in you, you moron.
Mary: Shut up, twit.
Lucy: Bring it on, dumbellina.
Mary: Where's Robbie, anyway? I want to shamelessly throw myself at him again. I know he loves me deep down, even though that's virtually impossible to tell because he never changes the expression on his face. Lucy: Shut up. He obviously likes me more than he likes you.
Mary: You're a shameless tramp.
Lucy: Me? Think about it, you're the one who throws herself at every guy.
Mary: Well, you listen, you..gurgle. you.. Sffrppt. boyfriend!.. duh duh duh.. Hair gel!
Lucy: What?
Mary: Sorry, I temporarily forgot how to speak English because I am an imbecile, and I was reduced to random words and gurgling noises to communicate. Hey, there is somebody under the table!
[Enter Robbie, from under kitchen table]
Robbie: Hi girls.
Lucy: Robbie, what were you doing under the table?
Robbie: I was practicing stalking. Mrs. Camden showed me how.
Lucy: Oh really.. Wait wait wait, I didn't really over-act that time, let me try again. OH REALLY!!
Robbie: I'm sorry, but no matter what you do I won't change my facial expression. Well, maybe if my girlfriend comes over I'll fake a half smile.
Mary: Hey Robbie, would you care to join me in the garage for an overly elaborate and utterly preposterous plan to get you alone so I can throw myself at you again, as if you were the only male member of the city of Glen Oak who wasn't married to me?
Robbie: Elaborate? Preposterous? Those are some pretty big words for someone who gets confused putting on nail polish.
Mary: Alright wise guy, this is parody so bear with me a bit. Robbie: Well, since you just broke the "fourth wall," can I mention the email of the author of this scene?
[Enter Happy]
Happy: No, I'm going to enter and say it. I'm the most neglected dog in the city. Have you ever seen anyone feeding me, taking me for walks, cleaning up after me? The email is FunnyHatUS@yahoo.com, and the website is www.geocities.com/funnyhatus. Good bye.
[Exit Happy]
Robbie: Wow, I never knew Happy could talk.
Mary: Gurgle, pptpppt, duhhh
Lucy: This scene is getting tiresome. I'm going to go upstairs and plan my outfits for the next week and think of other things to argue about with Mary. See ya.
[Exit Lucy]
Mary: Where is Simon?
Robbie: He's on a date.
Mary: Do you know where my parents are?
Robbie: Stalking him. Your dad put on a fake mustache and is pretending to be the waiter, and your mom hid in the trunk of their car.
Mary: I wish they'd stop doing that.
Robbie: I agree. But considering that your father knows every police officer in the city, I don't think we have anything to worry about. I think he has dirt on them too.
Mary: I'm sorry, I'm incapable of having more than a few minutes of conversation dedicated to something other than my romantic life. Despite my failed efforts to corner you in the garage alone, would you care to go into the living room so I can once again throw myself at you?
Robbie: Ok. But before we go, let's talk to Matt, who is now entering.
[Enter Matt]
Matt: Where's Ruthie?
Mary: She's upstairs teaching the twins to smoke.
Matt: Ok. I hope she's finished my medical school applications. I'm really nervous she won't get it done on time.
Mary: Why didn't you just do your application yourself? And aren't you upset about the smoking thing? I was just kidding anyway.
Matt: I'm to preoccupied with my own life to be concerned with such trivia as smoking. As for the applications, I don't think it's wise for me to be filling out my own, do you? Ruthie is, clearly, the most intelligent member of the household, even at age 11.
Mary: Well, what are you going to do when you have to go for your interview?
Matt: Gee, I don't know. Looks like we're going to have a Very Special Episode where I confront Ruthie. Or something.
[Enter Simon, Eric, Annie]
Simon: Couldn't you have at least let me finish my appetizer?
Anne: No, that girl was trouble, Simon. I'm very disappointed in you. That girl looked as if she had some coca cola under her arm.
Simon: Coke? Wow, have your standards gotten harsher. Besides.
Annie: Silence! I am the master here, and despite my borderline psychotic behavior, you will obey!
Eric: Simon, what you're mother's trying to say is.
Annie: Shut up! You're only going to encourage him. Besides, we are going to talk later, alone.
Eric: Oh joy.
Annie: You're already in enough trouble as it is, Reverend Camden. Take that!
Eric: Aaaahh! Did you shock me? Were you carrying that remote control the whole time?
Annie: Yes. And every time you disobey me, I will activate the electrical current I've placed throughout your body.
Simon: You two take all the fun out of teenage angst.
Annie: Good. Go to your room. But make sure you come down in 30 minutes or so, so that we can have a tearful reconciliation.
Simon: Fine, fine, fine.
Eric: Atta boy, son.
Annie: Ha!
Eric: Aaaaah!
[Exit Simon. Enter Lucy]
Lucy: Mom, can I go to a party tomorrow night?
Annie: Who is taking you?
Lucy: The son of the mayor of our town. Here is a complete psychological report on him, along with the results of an FBI background check, plus a complete dossier I had the CIA put together. I also have 3 letters of recommendation for him.
Annie: No, I don't know the boy. I have arbitrarily decided he is a bad influence.
Lucy: Mom! I'm sure it's fine.
Annie: If you agree to have him over to the house before you go, I'll consider it, assuming he passes the polygraph and no secrets come out after we give him the truth serum.
Lucy: Oh, forget it. Instead I'm going to go lust after Robbie, the street urchin Mary used to date that you've agreed to live in the house.
Eric: I'm sorry, honey, it's just that we don't know the boy and Aaaahahhhh!
[Exit Lucy]
Eric: You know, I thought tonight, alone, we might..
Annie: Keep it up, preacher-boy, and I'll put the electrodes back in a place you won't like. Now go back into the basement while I cook dinner. If you behave I'll let you like the grease out of the chicken bowl. But don't expect any of my food.
[Enter Ruthie]
Ruthie: Even though I'm only 11, I'm the one who is supposed to come at the end of the show and ask leading questions that reveal some truth of the situation to the adults. Similarly I have secrets about every member of the family.
Annie: Well, what secrets do you have for us today?
Ruthie: Well, Dad likes to put on your underwear when you're not home, and
Happy likes to take dumps in the fireplace.
Annie: Oh ho ho. Even though you didn't say anything funny, my inexplicable mood swings cause me to laugh. Hahaha!
Eric: Yes, Ruthie, you're just wonderful. I can see the moral of the story now.
Annie: Oh really, Eric, and what is that?
Eric: That deep down, we're all a really happy, normal family.
Annie: Guess again.
Eric: Aaahhh!
END