Scene: Glen Oak Hospital
[Enter Matt, a doctor]
Matt: I've made some major decisions in my life, and I've realized that what I really need to do is to change this hospital so it helps the people of Glen Oak more. It's a crime that this hospital refuses to serve the underprivileged community of Indian circus elephants in this city. I'm going to make a change to that. You'll see!
Doctor: Um, what? And when did you decide this?
Matt: When I was cleaning Mrs. Jones' bed pan. Actually, you know, it's too bad that the bed pans aren't good here. I think what this hospital needs are bed pans that are made of studier material. I'm not going to rest until I convince the administration that we need bed pans made from Javanese teak wood. I bet I can find someone with connections an Indonesian exporting company. You'll see!
Doctor: Do what you like, just make sure you have mopped this hallway before you leave tonight.
[Exit Doctor, enter Reverend and Mrs. Camden]
Matt: Hi Mom, Hi Dad. I have some important news to tell you.
Reverend: What's that, son?
Mrs. Camden: Quiet! Did I say you could speak?
Reverend: Sorry. Aaah! I thought you disconnected the electrodes?
Mrs. Camden: Not the ones I had Ruthie surgically implant in your chest.
Reverend: Ruthie knows surgery? Ahhh!!
Matt: Mom, let me just say I'm really glad you let Dad out of the basement today.
Mrs. Camden: Oh, honey, don't worry about your father and me. We're doing just fine. Right, Eric?
Reverend: May I answer, or will you shock me.. Ahhh!!
Mrs. Camden: Anyway, we're here to pick up Mary from her appointment. Do you know where she is?
Matt: No. But let me tell you what I'm going to do to change this place. I've decided that it's unfair that people have to wait in those uncomfortable couches when they sit in the waiting room. So I'm going straight to the administration, and I'm going to insist, insist! That our waiting rooms are equipped with full sized mechanical rodeo bulls - as seen in Urban Cowboy. You'll see!
[Enter Doctor]
Doctor: Excuse me, what about the teak wood and elephants?
Mrs. Camden: Doctor, I'll have you no that nothing is going to get in the way of my son when he is on a mission!
Doctor: Ahh!
Reverend: When did Ruthie put electrodes in this doctor?
Mrs. Camden: We had the staff of this hospital locked in our basement for a time. Anyway, did I say you could speak?
Reverend: Ahh!
Doctor: I'm outta here.
Mrs. Camden: Not so fast!
Doctor: Oh right, I suppose you want me to mention that the author of this little parody has the email address FunnyHatUS@yahoo.com, and the website is www.geocities.com/funnyhatus.
Mrs. Camden: And?
Doctor: And you are the most wonderful and caring woman in the entire city. Ahhh!!!! Sorry, in the entire United States.
Mrs. Camden: Better.
[Exit Doctor. Enter Mary]
Mary: Hi Mom, Hi Dad, Hi, um,
Matt: Matt.
Mary: Right, due to the fact that my brain is unable to carry more than 10 bits of information at a time, I forgot what your name was. Now that you've told me that, I forget what that man's name is.
Reverend: I'm your Dad.
Matt: You know, I think this hospital isn't treating people like you well enough. I'm going to write to the president of this hospital, and we're going to see to it that everyone who is treated here will have their names tattooed to their foreheads in English, as well as with Cyrillic letters. I'm going to do it. You'll see!
Mary: That statement was of little or not interest to me, because it didn't involve the use of any skincare products.
Mrs. Camden: Enough about that. Have you found a job yet, Mary?
Mary: Yes, I have finally made a decision. I have decided to become an accountant for a band of traveling Chinese acrobats I met last week.
Mrs. Camden: That's great honey!
Reverend: I hate to rain on your parade, but you do realize that being an accountant means you'll have to learn to read.
Mary: No way, I head it only involves counting. I am a whiz at that, thanks to some people I like to call my fingers and toes. Oh yeah.
Reverend: You are correct, I am sorry to have doubted you.
Matt: You know, I've decided that what this hospital really needs to do is provide financial and astrological services services to its patrons. I am going to call up the head of this place and insist that John Edwards from Crossing Over be hired at a full salary starting tomorrow! You'll see!
Mary: This conversation is totally lacking in focus. Unless you people are going to start discussing me, or at least my personal romantic life, I am going to leave.
Mrs. Camden: Sorry, honey, let's go to the corner store and I'll let you know who I've picked out for you to marry, and also where I have planned for you to live and what your children will be named.
Mary: Goodie! How many children will I have?
Mrs. Camden: Ah ah ah! Not till we get to the corner.
[Exit Mrs. Camden, Mary]
Reverend: At least, I'm free! Ahh!
[Enter Mrs. Camden]
Mrs. Camden: I suppose you thought I didn't put long distance transmitters in these things. Come along now. You come too, Matt.
[Exit Mrs. Camden, Reverend Camden, Matt.]
[Enter Matt, a doctor]
Matt: I've made some major decisions in my life, and I've realized that what I really need to do is to change this hospital so it helps the people of Glen Oak more. It's a crime that this hospital refuses to serve the underprivileged community of Indian circus elephants in this city. I'm going to make a change to that. You'll see!
Doctor: Um, what? And when did you decide this?
Matt: When I was cleaning Mrs. Jones' bed pan. Actually, you know, it's too bad that the bed pans aren't good here. I think what this hospital needs are bed pans that are made of studier material. I'm not going to rest until I convince the administration that we need bed pans made from Javanese teak wood. I bet I can find someone with connections an Indonesian exporting company. You'll see!
Doctor: Do what you like, just make sure you have mopped this hallway before you leave tonight.
[Exit Doctor, enter Reverend and Mrs. Camden]
Matt: Hi Mom, Hi Dad. I have some important news to tell you.
Reverend: What's that, son?
Mrs. Camden: Quiet! Did I say you could speak?
Reverend: Sorry. Aaah! I thought you disconnected the electrodes?
Mrs. Camden: Not the ones I had Ruthie surgically implant in your chest.
Reverend: Ruthie knows surgery? Ahhh!!
Matt: Mom, let me just say I'm really glad you let Dad out of the basement today.
Mrs. Camden: Oh, honey, don't worry about your father and me. We're doing just fine. Right, Eric?
Reverend: May I answer, or will you shock me.. Ahhh!!
Mrs. Camden: Anyway, we're here to pick up Mary from her appointment. Do you know where she is?
Matt: No. But let me tell you what I'm going to do to change this place. I've decided that it's unfair that people have to wait in those uncomfortable couches when they sit in the waiting room. So I'm going straight to the administration, and I'm going to insist, insist! That our waiting rooms are equipped with full sized mechanical rodeo bulls - as seen in Urban Cowboy. You'll see!
[Enter Doctor]
Doctor: Excuse me, what about the teak wood and elephants?
Mrs. Camden: Doctor, I'll have you no that nothing is going to get in the way of my son when he is on a mission!
Doctor: Ahh!
Reverend: When did Ruthie put electrodes in this doctor?
Mrs. Camden: We had the staff of this hospital locked in our basement for a time. Anyway, did I say you could speak?
Reverend: Ahh!
Doctor: I'm outta here.
Mrs. Camden: Not so fast!
Doctor: Oh right, I suppose you want me to mention that the author of this little parody has the email address FunnyHatUS@yahoo.com, and the website is www.geocities.com/funnyhatus.
Mrs. Camden: And?
Doctor: And you are the most wonderful and caring woman in the entire city. Ahhh!!!! Sorry, in the entire United States.
Mrs. Camden: Better.
[Exit Doctor. Enter Mary]
Mary: Hi Mom, Hi Dad, Hi, um,
Matt: Matt.
Mary: Right, due to the fact that my brain is unable to carry more than 10 bits of information at a time, I forgot what your name was. Now that you've told me that, I forget what that man's name is.
Reverend: I'm your Dad.
Matt: You know, I think this hospital isn't treating people like you well enough. I'm going to write to the president of this hospital, and we're going to see to it that everyone who is treated here will have their names tattooed to their foreheads in English, as well as with Cyrillic letters. I'm going to do it. You'll see!
Mary: That statement was of little or not interest to me, because it didn't involve the use of any skincare products.
Mrs. Camden: Enough about that. Have you found a job yet, Mary?
Mary: Yes, I have finally made a decision. I have decided to become an accountant for a band of traveling Chinese acrobats I met last week.
Mrs. Camden: That's great honey!
Reverend: I hate to rain on your parade, but you do realize that being an accountant means you'll have to learn to read.
Mary: No way, I head it only involves counting. I am a whiz at that, thanks to some people I like to call my fingers and toes. Oh yeah.
Reverend: You are correct, I am sorry to have doubted you.
Matt: You know, I've decided that what this hospital really needs to do is provide financial and astrological services services to its patrons. I am going to call up the head of this place and insist that John Edwards from Crossing Over be hired at a full salary starting tomorrow! You'll see!
Mary: This conversation is totally lacking in focus. Unless you people are going to start discussing me, or at least my personal romantic life, I am going to leave.
Mrs. Camden: Sorry, honey, let's go to the corner store and I'll let you know who I've picked out for you to marry, and also where I have planned for you to live and what your children will be named.
Mary: Goodie! How many children will I have?
Mrs. Camden: Ah ah ah! Not till we get to the corner.
[Exit Mrs. Camden, Mary]
Reverend: At least, I'm free! Ahh!
[Enter Mrs. Camden]
Mrs. Camden: I suppose you thought I didn't put long distance transmitters in these things. Come along now. You come too, Matt.
[Exit Mrs. Camden, Reverend Camden, Matt.]