Scene: Camden living room
[Enter Eric, Annie]
Eric: We have to talk. I am afraid that Ruthie is having some troubles.
Annie: Oh?
Eric: Yes. I'm afraid she claims to be Louis XIV of France, the Sun King, and is ordering various members of the family to be banished from the house.
Annie: That sounds wonderful, dear! I am so happy to be your wife! Hee!
Eric: What?
Annie: Last season I was evil all the time, so to make up for it, I'm always happy now. Hee! Will you kiss me?
[Enter Ruthie]
Eric: Hello, Ruthe..?
Ruthie: Good morning, servant. Fetch me some venison stew.
Eric: Um, Ruthie?
Ruthie: Silence, impudent servant! Je suis roi! Je suis la France! L'etat, c'est moi!
Annie: Ruthie, your father and I are a little concerned about you. Because we love you so much, you see.
Ruthie: Mon dieu? Qui est cette femme qui addresse le roi?
Eric: Did you teach her these phrases?
Annie: I'm going to go bake cookies for everyone. Bye.
[Exit Annie]
Eric: Now Ruthie, you know how much we care about you, and love you.
Ruthie: Off with his head!
Eric: Now Ruthie, where did you get the idea that you were the dauphin?
Ruthie: Am I not treated like royalty at all times in this house? Can I do virtually anything here and not be punished? Je suis roi! Tout le monde regarde moi comme chef!
Eric: Ruthie, dear, I think that you need to have someone talk to you. I'm going to call on our mentally unstable friend, who we call Doc.
[Enter Doc]
Doc: Hey Eric, hey Ruthie. How are ya?
Eric: Doc, isn't it a big coincidence that you show up just when I said your name?
Doc: With all the logical inconsistencies in this show, that's what you're going to pick on? Let's see what the problem is. Hmm, Ruthie thinks she is the king of France, right?
Eric: You always know just what to say.
Doc: Well, maybe she is the king of France.
Eric: What?
Doc: Have you met the king of France?
Eric: What? No?
Doc: Well then, maybe she's the king of France.
Eric: What? That makes no sense at all.
Doc: Well, whatever, just trying to help. You better go, because it looks like she has set up a guillotine to execute Happy, your dog.
Eric: Oh my! Where did she get that? And doesn't she know that guillotining is more associated with revolutionary France?
Doc: I don't really know. But before I go, I just want to say that this little parody was written by someone with the email address FunnyHatUS@yahoo.com. And there's a website at www.geocities.com/funnyhatus. Ok, bye.
[Exit Doc]
[Enter Simon]
Simon: Dad, it's no fair. How can you let Ruthie execute Happy? You would never let me do something like that! Rather than assuming that she's doing this without your permission, I'm going to sulk upstairs in my room and act hatefully toward you. Then I think I'll try and get in with the "cool" kids at school, who actually look like dorks.
[Exit Simon]
Ruthie: Alors, ou est le chien?
Eric: Ruthie, you have to put that guillotine away. It wouldn't work anyway, because it's made of tin foil and shoe laces.
Ruthie: Silence!
Eric: Ruthie, we're almost at the end of the episode, do you think you could quickly just realize the error of your ways, and explain that you are learning?
Ruthie: Hmm, I don't know. How about we compromise, and you find some random person to live in our house?
Eric: Well, since you were on this French thing, how about Napoleon Bonaparte?
Ruthie: Sounds good.
[Enter Napoleon]
Napoleon: Bonjour, citoyens.
Eric: Now, Napoleon, you know I love you like my own son, but if you're going to live in this house, you're going to have to stop invading other European countries and what not.
Napoleon: I'm sorry, I just have lived in difficult situations my whole life, and don't know how to act properly. Please. Please! Help me to reform myself, Reverend Camden!
Eric: Ok. You can start by going to get ice cream with me.
Napoleon: You mean, you want me to help you spy on Mary?
Eric: Exactly.
[Exeunt all]
[Enter Eric, Annie]
Eric: We have to talk. I am afraid that Ruthie is having some troubles.
Annie: Oh?
Eric: Yes. I'm afraid she claims to be Louis XIV of France, the Sun King, and is ordering various members of the family to be banished from the house.
Annie: That sounds wonderful, dear! I am so happy to be your wife! Hee!
Eric: What?
Annie: Last season I was evil all the time, so to make up for it, I'm always happy now. Hee! Will you kiss me?
[Enter Ruthie]
Eric: Hello, Ruthe..?
Ruthie: Good morning, servant. Fetch me some venison stew.
Eric: Um, Ruthie?
Ruthie: Silence, impudent servant! Je suis roi! Je suis la France! L'etat, c'est moi!
Annie: Ruthie, your father and I are a little concerned about you. Because we love you so much, you see.
Ruthie: Mon dieu? Qui est cette femme qui addresse le roi?
Eric: Did you teach her these phrases?
Annie: I'm going to go bake cookies for everyone. Bye.
[Exit Annie]
Eric: Now Ruthie, you know how much we care about you, and love you.
Ruthie: Off with his head!
Eric: Now Ruthie, where did you get the idea that you were the dauphin?
Ruthie: Am I not treated like royalty at all times in this house? Can I do virtually anything here and not be punished? Je suis roi! Tout le monde regarde moi comme chef!
Eric: Ruthie, dear, I think that you need to have someone talk to you. I'm going to call on our mentally unstable friend, who we call Doc.
[Enter Doc]
Doc: Hey Eric, hey Ruthie. How are ya?
Eric: Doc, isn't it a big coincidence that you show up just when I said your name?
Doc: With all the logical inconsistencies in this show, that's what you're going to pick on? Let's see what the problem is. Hmm, Ruthie thinks she is the king of France, right?
Eric: You always know just what to say.
Doc: Well, maybe she is the king of France.
Eric: What?
Doc: Have you met the king of France?
Eric: What? No?
Doc: Well then, maybe she's the king of France.
Eric: What? That makes no sense at all.
Doc: Well, whatever, just trying to help. You better go, because it looks like she has set up a guillotine to execute Happy, your dog.
Eric: Oh my! Where did she get that? And doesn't she know that guillotining is more associated with revolutionary France?
Doc: I don't really know. But before I go, I just want to say that this little parody was written by someone with the email address FunnyHatUS@yahoo.com. And there's a website at www.geocities.com/funnyhatus. Ok, bye.
[Exit Doc]
[Enter Simon]
Simon: Dad, it's no fair. How can you let Ruthie execute Happy? You would never let me do something like that! Rather than assuming that she's doing this without your permission, I'm going to sulk upstairs in my room and act hatefully toward you. Then I think I'll try and get in with the "cool" kids at school, who actually look like dorks.
[Exit Simon]
Ruthie: Alors, ou est le chien?
Eric: Ruthie, you have to put that guillotine away. It wouldn't work anyway, because it's made of tin foil and shoe laces.
Ruthie: Silence!
Eric: Ruthie, we're almost at the end of the episode, do you think you could quickly just realize the error of your ways, and explain that you are learning?
Ruthie: Hmm, I don't know. How about we compromise, and you find some random person to live in our house?
Eric: Well, since you were on this French thing, how about Napoleon Bonaparte?
Ruthie: Sounds good.
[Enter Napoleon]
Napoleon: Bonjour, citoyens.
Eric: Now, Napoleon, you know I love you like my own son, but if you're going to live in this house, you're going to have to stop invading other European countries and what not.
Napoleon: I'm sorry, I just have lived in difficult situations my whole life, and don't know how to act properly. Please. Please! Help me to reform myself, Reverend Camden!
Eric: Ok. You can start by going to get ice cream with me.
Napoleon: You mean, you want me to help you spy on Mary?
Eric: Exactly.
[Exeunt all]