CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Mere hoping and wishful thinking are never enough to avert the inevitable. As Trowa had foreseen, as Wufei had dreaded, it didn't take long for Relena's presence in the household, as well as her outings with Heero, to become an almost daily routine.
"You know I had wanted do so many things once spring started" Whined Duo to Wufei one day when Heero was, again, accompanying Relena to some place she never bothered to mention to the others "After all this time…you'd think I'd be a little higher on his priorities list by now! And look at me! Stuck at home when he's out heaven knows where with a girl who's probably designing her own wedding gown!"
Wufei shot him a look "You know, you can put a stop to all that…"
"Huh?" Duo blinked.
"These little trips Heero's taking with Relena, you can tell him to stop it"
Duo merely sneered.
"It wouldn't do any good"
"How can you be so sure?" Wufei was getting annoyed at Duo's attitude "Have you even tried?"
"Look" Duo reasoned "If he wanted to stop spending time with her he'd have started turning down her invitations by now, I shouldn't have to personally forbid him from doing it"
"I think he actually feels intimidated by her…"
"Heero?! Intimidated?!" That sounded like pure nonsense to Duo "Get real!"
"Have you actually asked him how he feels about going out with her?"
Duo shook his head "No we never discuss his dates with her…"
"What? How's that possible?" Wufei didn't believe it "Don't you care?"
"The subject just never comes up that's all"
"But how…"
"It's not exactly something I enjoy talking about okay?" Duo snapped "Like I really want to know the details of what she said or did or how she looked or…smelled…whatever! I don't care okay?"
Wufei sighed, it was useless trying to get through that baka's head. He may have been one of the best mobile suit pilots that existed but it seems he knew nothing of how to fight in the war of love.
And I wonder if I'm even the right person to instruct him on how in this one…Wufei thought almost sadly I know about as little about that subject as he does…
It wasn't often Wufei let himself be troubled over things like that, it wasn't that he finds the idea of love unappealing, but the fact he didn't think he would find a Wufei-in-love actually appealing, after witnessing how love has transformed the personalities of Trowa, Quatre and now Duo (Heero too, but then his transformation came about a different cause), Wufei couldn't help but sometimes feel that he's the only one left with any sense in the household.
Although…
There was a time when he had nearly given in to the temptation of partnership, with perhaps the least likely person anyone would've imagined him desiring…Secretly, he too had pined for such company, silently, he too had experienced the pain…But it was never meant to be…some things were just not destined to happen, and he could only push aside his own emotions and remain as the bystander…
But now…his feelings weren't the problem on hand. Wufei tossed a sideways glance at Duo, who was slouching next to him on the floor, sulking, and he sighed. This just wasn't normal, Duo going around moping and groaning was not natural.
"Listen to me okay?" He tried again "Heero…when he first started going out with her he didn't really know what she wanted, he thought she was…an old friend or something of the kind…that was why he kept on accepting her invitations…"
Duo looked up briefly, that was nothing he didn't already know.
"And now…I still don't think he really knows what her purpose is, but he feels…well, almost obliged to keep…accompanying her, he's probably finding it hard to turn her down…"
Heaven knows why…Wufei added silently before continuing "So if you tell him not to do it anymore, he'll have a reason to turn her down…"
"How do you reckon she'd react to that?" Duo asked sarcastically "I hardly think she'll be like 'Oh Heero, I understand that you're letting Duo run your life, I'm perfectly happy about that, well, I will stop coming to you now, ciao!'"
Duo slumped down further against the couch, half of his body disappearing underneath the coffee table "It's just not in my realm of control"
Wufei rolled his eyes; this obviously wasn't going to work.
"There is another way…although it takes action that's a lot more drastic…"
"Hmm?" Duo tilted his head back "What is it?"
"If Heero got his memory back, he'd discontinue this situation right away…"
"Hah!" Duo snorted "That should be easy, we can just go up to him and go 'Heero, get your memory back so Relena would quit bugging you'" He shook his head sadly "Come on Wufei, it's not like we haven't go through all that…we've done everything we could possibly do…"
"There is one thing we haven't tried…" Wufei said slowly.
"What?"
Wufei didn't reply the question, he just sat there staring at his own hands.
"What is it Wufei?" Duo asked again.
"I think you know…"
"I do?" Duo squinted one eye as he thought "Hmm…Omigod!" He pulled himself out from under the coffee table as the notion came to him "You don't mean…" His voice hushed to a whisper as he uttered "…The Zero system?!"
Wufei nodded solemnly "It's got the highest chance of success"
"It's also got the highest level of risk!" Duo exclaimed "You've got to be joking here! He'd never be able to handle that freaky thing the way he is now, I don't care how good he was before!"
"I didn't say he had to handle it" Wufei replied "I only meant that it's a backup plan if all else fails…it's worked once before…"
"Yeah I know, on Trowa" Duo cut in impatiently "After he nearly blew up a colony…not to mention almost killing himself in the process"
Wufei threw up his hands in exasperation and leant back onto the couch "That's the only way I can see to do it okay? You don't want to risk the danger of forcing his memories back yet you wouldn't take it upon yourself to stop his going out with the girl!"
"You don't understand" Duo said as he started to chew at the end of his braid "Heero's not in a normal state right now, no matter how much I want to try and make it seem so…he's not in a…sensible, if you want to put it that way, state of mind. If I influence his decisions…well, it wouldn't be fair! When he gets his memory back…and I'm sure he will, it's just a matter of time…I don't want him to feel like I've taken advantage of him…"
"Taken advantage of?" Wufei sputtered "HELLO! You'd be doing him a huge favor here you know! There's nothing wrong with that!"
"He may not see it that way…" said Duo stubbornly "He would feel that I intervened and made his choice for him, that I didn't give him the chance to choose his ways…"
"I give up on this!" exclaimed Wufei "It's obvious you're a hopeless case, with that kind of attitude! The way you put it, it's like a lose-lose situation! You tell him to stop seeing her, and you're afraid that that's gonna make you lose him, but if you don't say anything…well, you've already lost him!"
Duo sighed "If I was the one he wanted, he'll come back to me…no matter how much persistence Relena puts up…he'll…find out that…" Duo struggled to get the words out; he didn't have much faith in what he was saying "…that…he belongs with…with me…" He finished off in a voice no louder than a whisper.
Wufei gazed down at him, still sitting in a crumpled heap on the floor. He couldn't help but feel sorry for this foolish baka…how much trust has bestowed on his lover! He didn't deserve suffer like this…
"You know…" Duo spoke up again, his voice sounded weak and fatigued "Sometimes I feel like this whole thing…what I have with Heero…I feel like it's all just an illusion, like it'll never last…Heero…at times I don't even know what to think, what to feel…I keep telling myself that, this is Heero now, this is what he's like…yet I know it's only a fragile image, a bubble that may burst at any time…do you know what I mean?"
Wufei, who had been listening in silence, nodded solemnly.
"And...I don't want it to end…I want Heero to get his memory back, I really do! I know it's only right, and that it's almost essential to completing our mission…but…I don't think I'll be able to take it if he suddenly reverted back to been all cold and indifferent towards me…it didn't matter before, but it does now…so much…" His voice started to shake, and he swallowed hard before continuing "I don't want him to resent me for anything I did during his period of amnesia, I don't want him to resent me! If I don't let him make his own choices now…he will resent me…and…and…I don't want that! I really don't…"
His voice grew softer and he turned to the window, gazing out.
"Even when he has remembered his own identity…
…I want him to still keep loving me…"
* * *
It wasn't meant to happen this way…
Alone, Heero stood at a window in the grand thirty-fifth level dining hall which Relena had taken him to. He wasn't sure where she had gone, much less why she had gone. Considering her status, he had assumed she had retreated to change into something more formal.
He sighed, staring at his own reflection blankly.
How did I get so dragged into these things anyway? It started out perfectly natural…a couple of dates, a few outings…then things got more and more formal and proper…
It's scary…
The view from that window at night was absolutely magnificent. The city skylines were lit up in beautiful splashes of neon lighting. It made the world look so intensely full of life.
But Heero hardly paid any attention to what was beyond the glass panes. He felt lost and out of place in that huge room. The splendor of his surroundings made him feel like an intruder in an alien environment, if it wasn't for the sake of Relena, he would've made an escape out of there ages ago.
I never thought this was going to be how I'd spend the spring days…I had so much planned with Duo…we were going to do so many things…weren't we? How come I'm here? This just feels…wrong…
He frowned at his reflection.
Relena…
He couldn't shake the name.
What's with her anyway…?
He may have lost his memory, but he still has his instincts. Heero wasn't ignorant to the devotion Relena had towards him, he could see that her affection for him was absolute, yet, that in itself was a cause for dilemma on his part. He knew the pain of unrequited love. It didn't matter how he interpreted his infatuation with Trowa now, back then, it did hurt…to want something you can't have…and he didn't want to put Relena through that kind of heartache.
It's unforgivable to hurt someone who loves you…
But then again...
Duo…
What about Duo…?
He turned away from the window and leant against the pane, still lost in thought.
He hasn't had much time to talk to him lately…what with all these occasions he had to attend, but somehow he got the feeling Duo didn't really care where he went or what he did. Most nights when he got home, Duo was either already asleep, or getting ready to, and he never wanted to hear the details of Heero's evening. Several times Heero had reminded him of all the things they had wanted to do, but it was usually dismissed with:
"What about Relena? Aren't you doing something with her?"
Frustrated as it gets, Heero couldn't do anything about it. He couldn't turn down Relena's invitations, and Duo didn't seem inclined to stop him from going out with her. In fact, he encouraged it…to the extent of setting up their dates.
Like tonight…I wasn't even aware it was going to happen…I wasn't there when she called…but then…
Why didn't Duo turn her down for me? Doesn't he...want to spend more time with me? Doesn't he miss me?
Heero hardly knew what to make of Duo's attitude anymore, in the few rare moments they still had together he still seemed his happy, carefree self. He still joked around and teased whoever he could make a victim of…yet something about him had changed in the past weeks since Relena had entered the scene. Heero just couldn't put a finger on what it was exactly…
Why doesn't he seem to care where I go…? I keep getting the feeling he's pushing me away…why?
"Sorry to keep you waiting!"
Heero's thoughts were broken at the intrusion of Relena's voice, he looked up.
He had expected to see her in some glamorous evening gown, but she was standing there, still dressed in the white shirt and purple skirt that she had on earlier. He frowned.
"Where did you go?"
"Oh Heero…" She approached him "I have something for you…"
"For me?" He asked in surprise "What do you mean?"
She stepped aside and gestured at the servant who stood stiffly behind her. He was holding a complete set of men's evening wear.
"What the…" Heero backed up a step.
"Oh Heero, I know you don't like formalities…but for once, can you do me a favor and put that on? I just know you'll look soooooooo handsome in it!"
"I…" Heero eyed the outfit. Even on the hanger it looked stiff and uncomfortable.
"Please Heero?" Relena begged.
"But…why Relena? If you knew I didn't like this kind of thing why did you make me come?"
"Because it would mean so much to me!" Relena's arm circled around his waist "Tonight is an important night for me…I have that big speech to make…it could make a world of difference to the outcome of the entire human race! So many influential people will be watching me…I need you to be here to give me strength…"
"You do?" Heero asked, feeling stupid all the while.
"Oh Heero…" Relena closed her eyes and laid her head against his chest "You know I do…"
"Well then…I guess…I could…" Heero started to relent.
"Oh Heero!" She cried happily "Thank you so much! You have no idea how much this means to me!" She tiptoed up and planted a kiss on his neck "I love you!"
As Heero followed the servant down the corridors that lead to the change rooms, he placed his hand against the spot where her lips had made contact. How many times has Duo kissed him in that exact same spot? The feeling was not unfamiliar but coming from her it felt so different.
Come to think of it, how long has it been since we've actually…
The distance that had recently come between them had meant that they haven't had a chance to share a moment of intimacy since Heero's giving Duo that cross many weeks earlier. Sure they still slept in the same room but…
It's not the same anymore…When was the last time he ever said 'I love you' to me?
It's like he doesn't even care…
"Here we are sir" The servant gestured at one of the rooms at the end of the hall "Please summon us if you need anything"
"Thank you" Heero replied monotonously as he entered, the suit draped over his arm. Somehow, it felt very heavy all of a sudden.
* * *
"This is partially your own fault you know"
Duo rolled his eyes at Wufei's comment, it wasn't the first time he had made it "Gimme a break here Wufei, I'm having an anxiety attack here…I think I'm gonna get a headache soon…"
"It might help if you stopped hitting your head with your own fists" Wufei offered "You've been doing that for the last few hours!"
"Ugh!" Duo threw himself onto the couch beside Wufei "Quit telling me off okay? Geez, can't you show a little compassion every now and then?"
"Why didn't you turn her down for him?" Wufei ignored Duos' question "It's not like she'd come and kidnap him or something for missing one date"
"Don't make me go through all that again! You know I can't do that!"
Wufei sighed "You're hopeless, you know that? You two are absolutely hopeless!"
Duo just moaned "Well what can I do?"
"I don't know, you don't take any of my advice anyway…go find something to distract yourself with, if you keep going around like this you're gonna turn me into a nutcase as well!"
"Distract myself?" Duo considered that for a moment "I know! I'll go take a look at the Gundams…maybe there'll be some developments eh?"
"Good idea" Wufei agreed "Why don't I come with you? I've been wanting to see them too…"
"What, you have something deep and meaningful to discuss with Nataku?" Duo teased.
"Humph!" Wufei glared at him "More meaningful than anything I can get across with you I'll tell you that much!"
* * *
Heero peered through his glass at the dark red liquid inside. He sniffed it cautiously, and his nose wrinkled at the strong sweet alcoholic smell it gave off.
"Try it Heero" Relena urged. She lifted her own glass and clinked it against his softly "To us"
Us…? Heero's brows knotted slightly What's that meant to mean?
He shrugged, it didn't really matter anyway. He held the glass to his lips and took a sip. The rich taste lingered in his mouth for a long time. It wasn't particularly pleasant, but it had a certain attraction to it. He picked up his glass again and drained it.
"Oh Heero!" Relena exclaimed "Be careful, it's quite strong!"
Strong? Heero's head was starting to feel lighter already Strong is good…
A man in uniform approached Relena and bowed to her "Miss Relena, it's time" He informed her.
"Right, thank you" She replied as she stood up "I will be there in a moment"
Turning back to Heero, she whispered "If it weren't for your been here now, I'd feel so nervous, but your support is all the confidence I need to get me through this…thank you" She pecked his cheek, smiled, and left.
Someone had already refilled his glass with that same crimson substance. He stared down at it vacantly.
She keeps telling me she needs me…that I'm her source of confidence and support…
…
But where is mine…?
He wasn't aware he had done it, but when he looked at his glass again, it was empty.
He held it up and waited for it to be refilled…
* * *
Duo followed Wufei up the path that lead to the house, stretching his arms. It was almost midnight by the time they got back. It was strange how they could lose track of time so easily when working with their machines.
"Well that was a lot better than moping around the house all day wasn't it?" Wufei asked as he stopped to open the door "Told you you needed some distraction"
"I guess so…" Duo agreed "Do you think Heero's back yet?"
"No idea" Wufei pushed open the door "Sometimes he doesn't get back 'til…hey!" He exclaimed as he stepped inside "What happened to him?!"
"What?!" Duo shoved Wufei aside as he rushed into the living room.
Heero was lying across the couch with his head on Trowa's lap, his face flushed and looking as if he was having a bad dream.
"He came home really really drunk, and I haven't been able to get him up since then" Trowa told them "I'm not sure what happened but there must've been a lot of alcohol at that dinner ceremony Relena took him to…"
"Why didn't she do something to stop him?" Wufei demanded.
"I don't think she knew, she was pretty busy there, after all, she was the star"
"Is he okay?" Duo asked, moving towards him tentatively.
"As okay as one can get when they're drunk…he'll probably have a headache in the morning but apart from that I don't' think there's any permanent damage done"
"I'll take over from here" said Duo to Trowa "You guys go and get some rest now, alright?"
The other two pilots left him alone in the room with Heero. He gazed the boy on the couch, his heart filling with affection and that familiar sense of desire. It's been so long since the two of them had a chance to be alone, that is, when he was awake, he wasn't sure what Heero may have thought of it.
"Why did you drink so much anyway?" He whispered as he brushed stray strands of hair away from Heero's eyes "For the perfect soldier I guess they never trained your alcohol tolerance properly eh?"
Heero whimpered softly, and his face seemed to twitch slightly.
"Are you having a bad dream again Heero?" Duo placed a hand on Heero's arm "It'll be alright, I'm right here…"
He recalled those many nights when Heero had woken in the middle of the night, terrified by that same reoccurring nightmare, screaming out Duo's name. And the quiet moments of comforting that followed, with Duo holding him in his arms, kissing his pain away…
He studied that face for a moment…
Why not…?
Leaning down, he drew open the front of Heero's shirt and pressed his lips against his chest, then slowly working his way up to his neck and chin.
But instead of calming as he normally did at Duo's kisses, Heero's body seemed to stiffen and he started to struggle as if he was trying to get out of his grasp.
"Heero what's wrong?" Duo stopped in surprise "Are you in pain or….what is it?!"
He was trying to say something, his lips kept moving but it was like the sound was stuck at the back of his throat. Finally, a sound escaped from his lips in a choking whisper, a name…
"Relena…"
Duo froze.
What?
He looked at Heero, whose eyes were still closed. He could hardly register what he had just uttered, how could it possibly be that…
"Relena!"
There was no mistaking it; it was her name Heero was crying out. Duo felt as if he had been punched in the stomach, the wind had been completely knocked out of him. He could barely breathe, or think.
How…
How could this be…?
Already…
It's already her name he's calling out in his sleep? It's now her whom he seeks for comfort and security…what happened to us? What about me? Have I …
Wufei's words came back to him. You've already lost him…
How could this happen? I've lost him…already? I couldn't have! I can't believe this! I can't…accept this…it can't be happening!
Heero moaned, and Duo realized he had been clutching his arm so hard his knuckles were turning white. He loosened his grip.
"Relena…"
Stop it! Duo screamed silently Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it!!!!
He was going to lose control soon, he could feel it coming on, he had to get out of there before he was driven to doing something drastic, to either Heero or himself.
He forced his limbs to unfreeze, and stood up, knocking over the coffee table in his haste. Feeling as if the world was spinning around him, he stumbled towards his own room. On the way, he crashed against Wufei.
"Whoa…Maxwell! You alright there?!" The Chinese boy asked in alarm at seeing Duo's expression.
"I'm just FINE!" Duo spat out in Wufei's face before pushing past and shutting himself into his room.
"What the…" Wufei gaped after him, dumbfolded "Wasn't he just with Heero or something…? Does that crash I heard earlier have something to do with this?""
He made his way into the living room. Heero was in exactly the same position as before, expect for a few red marks on his arm. Wufei frowned as he straightened the coffee table.
"Did they have a fight or something…" He couldn't imagine Heero fighting at all in the state he was in "But then again…"
"Please…don't!"
Wufei looked up, surprised that Heero was speaking. But upon closer inspection he realized he was merely sleep talking.
"Must be having a bad dream…expect that after a date with that woman" Wufei shook his head "Why isn't Duo here…?"
"Stop it…Relena…please stop it!"
What the…
Wufei stopped what he was doing.
"I can't…it's just…not right…Relena…sorry but…I can't do this…I…can't…" He trailed off, and was a silent for a second before suddenly blurting out "Duo! Why…why don't you care…? Why…do you keep pushing me away…why…?"
Despite the incoherency, Wufei had an idea of what was going on. Misunderstandings can only lead to such pain, he had always seen it coming, just never managed to get it through Duo's thick thick head.
"What fools they are…dammit!" He cursed "Looks like I'm gonna have to play matchmaker again for these two idiots…" With that he stood up "Just you wait Duo, you big baka! In the morning you're gonna see me rant like you've never seen it before…and I'm warning you now, it's not going to be a painless session"
To let him out with her, to pretend like he didn't care…well now there! He can see where his vague little assumptions has lead to…How can these people be so false to themselves and expect to stay true? They had the chance…and yet they're doing everything in their power to throw it away…Such weaklings! This behavior makes me sick…!
I'm not going to put up with this falseness and tension anymore, once was enough for me, you'd think that after that one they'd see themselves more clearly…
He shrugged to himself I've already gotten myself involved in this…may as well go all the way now…
Watch out Duo, you're seriously gonna get it; I swear that in the name of Nataku!
But no one can predict the future, and no one has the power to control it.
When morning did come…things turned out quite differently to what anyone could have anticipated….
A/N: Anyone out there still following this story? I hope so cos it's getting HARD to write!! ARGH! Severe writers' block here!!! HELP MEEEEEEE!!!!
*ahem*
Well…that was a change of mood was it not? Heehee…I guess I was feeling a bit depressed so I made everyone depressed…I hope things get better cos I am SERIOUSLY having writers block…I'm sure you people out there all understand how I feel? Ne?
Anyway, just to reassure my dear readers and reviewers (Have I ever mentioned I love you people?^-^) Yes, Heero is gonna get his memory back…but I'm not gonna say when or how, partly because it'll give the plot away and partly because I don't want to disturb anyone…
Oh yeah…it's official, these chapters ARE getting longer as I go on…EEK!
Okay, that's all from me now! Love you!!
Olivia
P.S. Like I've posted many times before…still looking for a name…HELP!
Description: Male character, same age as pilots (although I'm not SURE how old I'm gonna make them since it's an AU fic)
Looks: Think Quatre, minus the sweet part (how that is possible I'm not sure, but try)
Personality: This attitude-swinging, kinda scary (like Lady-Une I guess…)
Okay la! Thanks for you time and/or effort!