Scene: Camden Kitchen
Enter Ruthie, unidentified male
Ruthie: Who are you?
Male: I am one of your sister's bland, generic, monotone-speaking boyfriends who now lives in your house. Also, I have a square jaw.
Ruthie: Which sister?
Male: Does it matter?
Ruthie: Not really. I'm going to give you some "plucky" advice in any case, and solve your problems. You might think it difficult for a 12 year old to be able to solve any problems posed to her by adults, but considering that Glen Oak, California is populated entirely by near-imbeciles, it isn't as hard as you think.
Male: I see. Have you seen your sister? I was looking for her so I could be relentlessly henpecked about how much I don't really love her, even though I moved 3000 miles, disrupting my life, and now live with her in her parents' house.
Ruthie: She's upstairs sulking about how much she misses her old boyfriend. Have you seen my mother?
Male: No, but I'm hoping to avoid her, because I think she's angry with me.
Ruthie: What makes you say that?
Male: She threatened to feed me nothing but jalapeno peppers and drop all my clothes in toilet water when I said I thought your brother Simon had gone to a party she didn't know about.
Ruthie: Oh, she's just having one of her moods. I'm sure she's manically happy now, and is making unwanted romantic overtures to my terrified father. She may be onto a new psychosis, though.
[Enter Annie, Ruthie's mother]
Annie: Greetings, comrades. The people's revolution is nigh!
Ruthie: Yes, I guess she is.
Annie: Ruthie and, erm, what's your name again?
Male: I'm the guy who lives in your house?
Annie: Oh right. Well I'll just call you Generitoid. Anyway, I'm on my way to my meeting of the Glen Oak Communist Party. If the General Secretary calls, can you tell him I'm on my way?
Ruthie: You know, Dad being a minister and all, he probably isn't too keen on communism, you know, with the "religion is the opiate of the people" and so on?
Annie: He won't complain, believe me. Not after what I did to him the last time.
Ruthie: Anyway, I'll take care of the "boys." When are you going to admit that they aren't kids but are 43 year old midgets who you have been keeping in the basement this whole time, teaching them to speak by showing them episodes of Teletubbies?
Annie: Midgets isn't the nice word for them, Ruthie. You know better.
Ruthie: What is?
Annie: Minions. Anyway, I'm going now.
[Exit Annie]
[Enter Eric, Ruthie's father]
Eric: Is she gone?
Male: How long have you been hiding under the sink?
Eric: Only for a few hours. I didn't want Mrs. Camden to see me. How are you, Generitoid?
Male: If I was real person I would object to that name, but considering that I'm a drone-like automaton with no acting skills, I'll just do a weird sort of frown.
Eric: Yes, well I'm going out for ice cream now, but before I go I just wanted to say that the author of this parody has the email address FunnyHatUS@yahoo.com, and has a website at www.geocities.com/funnyhatus.
Ruthie: Somebody says that in almost every chapter of this book, isn't it getting a bit unrealistic and repetitive?
Eric: Well, how does that differ from the real 7th Heaven?
Ruthie: Good point. Well, time to end this.
[Exeunt all]
END
Enter Ruthie, unidentified male
Ruthie: Who are you?
Male: I am one of your sister's bland, generic, monotone-speaking boyfriends who now lives in your house. Also, I have a square jaw.
Ruthie: Which sister?
Male: Does it matter?
Ruthie: Not really. I'm going to give you some "plucky" advice in any case, and solve your problems. You might think it difficult for a 12 year old to be able to solve any problems posed to her by adults, but considering that Glen Oak, California is populated entirely by near-imbeciles, it isn't as hard as you think.
Male: I see. Have you seen your sister? I was looking for her so I could be relentlessly henpecked about how much I don't really love her, even though I moved 3000 miles, disrupting my life, and now live with her in her parents' house.
Ruthie: She's upstairs sulking about how much she misses her old boyfriend. Have you seen my mother?
Male: No, but I'm hoping to avoid her, because I think she's angry with me.
Ruthie: What makes you say that?
Male: She threatened to feed me nothing but jalapeno peppers and drop all my clothes in toilet water when I said I thought your brother Simon had gone to a party she didn't know about.
Ruthie: Oh, she's just having one of her moods. I'm sure she's manically happy now, and is making unwanted romantic overtures to my terrified father. She may be onto a new psychosis, though.
[Enter Annie, Ruthie's mother]
Annie: Greetings, comrades. The people's revolution is nigh!
Ruthie: Yes, I guess she is.
Annie: Ruthie and, erm, what's your name again?
Male: I'm the guy who lives in your house?
Annie: Oh right. Well I'll just call you Generitoid. Anyway, I'm on my way to my meeting of the Glen Oak Communist Party. If the General Secretary calls, can you tell him I'm on my way?
Ruthie: You know, Dad being a minister and all, he probably isn't too keen on communism, you know, with the "religion is the opiate of the people" and so on?
Annie: He won't complain, believe me. Not after what I did to him the last time.
Ruthie: Anyway, I'll take care of the "boys." When are you going to admit that they aren't kids but are 43 year old midgets who you have been keeping in the basement this whole time, teaching them to speak by showing them episodes of Teletubbies?
Annie: Midgets isn't the nice word for them, Ruthie. You know better.
Ruthie: What is?
Annie: Minions. Anyway, I'm going now.
[Exit Annie]
[Enter Eric, Ruthie's father]
Eric: Is she gone?
Male: How long have you been hiding under the sink?
Eric: Only for a few hours. I didn't want Mrs. Camden to see me. How are you, Generitoid?
Male: If I was real person I would object to that name, but considering that I'm a drone-like automaton with no acting skills, I'll just do a weird sort of frown.
Eric: Yes, well I'm going out for ice cream now, but before I go I just wanted to say that the author of this parody has the email address FunnyHatUS@yahoo.com, and has a website at www.geocities.com/funnyhatus.
Ruthie: Somebody says that in almost every chapter of this book, isn't it getting a bit unrealistic and repetitive?
Eric: Well, how does that differ from the real 7th Heaven?
Ruthie: Good point. Well, time to end this.
[Exeunt all]
END