Scene 7
In which the Camdens have guests, and much kissing occurs
Scene: Camden Kitchen Enter Mrs. Camden, Reverend Camden
Reverend Camden: So, what's for dinner tonight? Do you know if we will be having any guests?
Mrs. Camden: We are having my delicious and nutritious potroast tonight, and Ruthie is bringing over her friends Susan and Jane. I thought it might be good because they could meet our twins, age 2, who are getting older and strangely haven't started dating yet. As I'm sure you would agree dating is the most important thing for our children to be considering at this age, don't you think so?
Reverend Camden: Well, actually..
Mrs. Camden: If you don't agree with me, I will lock you in the basement for the next week and manage to blame you for it, because I am a totally irrational moron.
Reverend Camden: Then I agree. In fact, I'm a little worried at the unusually large volume of non-dating conversation I have heard in the children's bedrooms. I know this because of course I spy on the constantly.
Mrs. Camden: Do you think you could go to the store and buy some milk? We are low. Also, while your out see if you can find a man in his 20s who is unrelated to us to live in our house for a few weeks. Also, it's been at least 15 minutes since someone has jumped from casual dating to discussing marriage, so could you bring along some unrelated and unmarried people to live here too?
Reverend: That is totally preposterous. It is of course true that we have Lucy and Kevin living here, who are married but related to us, and we have had Robbie, Chandler, Roxanne, Cecilia, and Ruthie's current odd boyfriend, who live here (or virtually live here) but are not married, the idea of married people living here who are unrelated to us is absurd.
Mrs. Camden: You are of course right. Were this last season I would go into an unrelenting and irrational tirade against you for no reason, but this season I have become "sweet" and will only help no matter what.
Reverend: But you just threatened to lock me in the basement 5 seconds ago.
Mrs. Camden: True, but you deserved that.
[Enter Man]
Mrs. Camden: Why hello person unknown to me who is roaming freely through my house. May I help you in some way, by feeding you a cookie perhaps?
Man: No, actually my role is to inform you that kissing has not occurred on screen in the last 15 minutes, and the writers of this program require kissing to occur at least 6 times per episodes.
Mrs. Camden: Well, who would like to kiss?
Man: Preferably a divorced woman in your church, but if need be, Happy the Dog.
Mrs. Camden: Happy is trying to get dates on the promenade right now. Would you like us to go and stalk him?
Man: No thank you. I would instead like to say that this particular scene was written by someone at the email address FunnyHatUS@yahoo.com, and there is an associated website that hasn't been updated in some time but is still there at www.geocities.com/funnyhatus.
Mrs. Camden: Thank you. Please resume roaming through our house. May we include you in our lives for a while and then contact you via split/screen phone call every few episodes?
Man: No, I am now planning to become a criminal and schoolteacher on Boston Public.
[Exit Man]
Mr. Camden: Who was that?
Mrs. Camden: One of Simon's friends, probably. Anyway, where are our twins?
Mr. Camden: I'm sure they're fine. I saw them getting out the table saw a few minutes ago. I guess they're having fun.
Mrs. Camden: Well, that's fine, just make sure to get them here in time for the Holiday Dating Season.
Mr. Camden: Oh, you mean when we harass people in the town to make ourselves feel better?
Mrs. Camden: No, that's the Annual Community Service Sermon Season.
Mr. Camden: Oh right. Say, you know what we haven't done in a while? Bowling. You know what else? We haven't been shocked at the fact that everyone in our town are horrible, unrepentant racists and hate all Muslims.
Mrs. Camden: You are right. Ahh, isn't it much nicer with me being sweet and helpful all the time? Much better than last year! Ha ha ha ha.
Mr. Camden: Yes, true. Will you be even more helpful and move to another state, like everyone else on this show? I think I could really enjoy that.
Mrs. Camden: Ha ha ha. No, but I will be denying you food for the next month. Let's kiss to make up our quota.
[Enter Lucy, Kevin]
Lucy: Hello, devoted parents. May I act like an irate child in front of you and complain about my uncaring husband?
Kevin: I. don't. know. what. you. are .talking? about. Luce?
Lucy: I am upset that he did not come home and paint my toenails as he promised because he was conducting "law enforcement" or "police work" or something.
Mr. Camden: Lucy, now you know that just because the GlenOak Police Department's entire purpose is to chase down our children's boyfriends and girlfriends, that it is important for Kevin to do his job.
Lucy: No, I fail to understand because my brain lacks the power to think of anyone besides myself.
Mr. Camden: Well, that is too bad.
[Enter Cecelia]
Cecelia: Hello, Camden Family. Even though I have not purpose on this show, I thought I'd show up.
Mrs. Camden: Oh, you have a purpose. For instance, you could announce that this scene is over!
Cecelia: True! This scene is over. I do have a purpose here!
[Exeunt]
Scene: Camden Kitchen Enter Mrs. Camden, Reverend Camden
Reverend Camden: So, what's for dinner tonight? Do you know if we will be having any guests?
Mrs. Camden: We are having my delicious and nutritious potroast tonight, and Ruthie is bringing over her friends Susan and Jane. I thought it might be good because they could meet our twins, age 2, who are getting older and strangely haven't started dating yet. As I'm sure you would agree dating is the most important thing for our children to be considering at this age, don't you think so?
Reverend Camden: Well, actually..
Mrs. Camden: If you don't agree with me, I will lock you in the basement for the next week and manage to blame you for it, because I am a totally irrational moron.
Reverend Camden: Then I agree. In fact, I'm a little worried at the unusually large volume of non-dating conversation I have heard in the children's bedrooms. I know this because of course I spy on the constantly.
Mrs. Camden: Do you think you could go to the store and buy some milk? We are low. Also, while your out see if you can find a man in his 20s who is unrelated to us to live in our house for a few weeks. Also, it's been at least 15 minutes since someone has jumped from casual dating to discussing marriage, so could you bring along some unrelated and unmarried people to live here too?
Reverend: That is totally preposterous. It is of course true that we have Lucy and Kevin living here, who are married but related to us, and we have had Robbie, Chandler, Roxanne, Cecilia, and Ruthie's current odd boyfriend, who live here (or virtually live here) but are not married, the idea of married people living here who are unrelated to us is absurd.
Mrs. Camden: You are of course right. Were this last season I would go into an unrelenting and irrational tirade against you for no reason, but this season I have become "sweet" and will only help no matter what.
Reverend: But you just threatened to lock me in the basement 5 seconds ago.
Mrs. Camden: True, but you deserved that.
[Enter Man]
Mrs. Camden: Why hello person unknown to me who is roaming freely through my house. May I help you in some way, by feeding you a cookie perhaps?
Man: No, actually my role is to inform you that kissing has not occurred on screen in the last 15 minutes, and the writers of this program require kissing to occur at least 6 times per episodes.
Mrs. Camden: Well, who would like to kiss?
Man: Preferably a divorced woman in your church, but if need be, Happy the Dog.
Mrs. Camden: Happy is trying to get dates on the promenade right now. Would you like us to go and stalk him?
Man: No thank you. I would instead like to say that this particular scene was written by someone at the email address FunnyHatUS@yahoo.com, and there is an associated website that hasn't been updated in some time but is still there at www.geocities.com/funnyhatus.
Mrs. Camden: Thank you. Please resume roaming through our house. May we include you in our lives for a while and then contact you via split/screen phone call every few episodes?
Man: No, I am now planning to become a criminal and schoolteacher on Boston Public.
[Exit Man]
Mr. Camden: Who was that?
Mrs. Camden: One of Simon's friends, probably. Anyway, where are our twins?
Mr. Camden: I'm sure they're fine. I saw them getting out the table saw a few minutes ago. I guess they're having fun.
Mrs. Camden: Well, that's fine, just make sure to get them here in time for the Holiday Dating Season.
Mr. Camden: Oh, you mean when we harass people in the town to make ourselves feel better?
Mrs. Camden: No, that's the Annual Community Service Sermon Season.
Mr. Camden: Oh right. Say, you know what we haven't done in a while? Bowling. You know what else? We haven't been shocked at the fact that everyone in our town are horrible, unrepentant racists and hate all Muslims.
Mrs. Camden: You are right. Ahh, isn't it much nicer with me being sweet and helpful all the time? Much better than last year! Ha ha ha ha.
Mr. Camden: Yes, true. Will you be even more helpful and move to another state, like everyone else on this show? I think I could really enjoy that.
Mrs. Camden: Ha ha ha. No, but I will be denying you food for the next month. Let's kiss to make up our quota.
[Enter Lucy, Kevin]
Lucy: Hello, devoted parents. May I act like an irate child in front of you and complain about my uncaring husband?
Kevin: I. don't. know. what. you. are .talking? about. Luce?
Lucy: I am upset that he did not come home and paint my toenails as he promised because he was conducting "law enforcement" or "police work" or something.
Mr. Camden: Lucy, now you know that just because the GlenOak Police Department's entire purpose is to chase down our children's boyfriends and girlfriends, that it is important for Kevin to do his job.
Lucy: No, I fail to understand because my brain lacks the power to think of anyone besides myself.
Mr. Camden: Well, that is too bad.
[Enter Cecelia]
Cecelia: Hello, Camden Family. Even though I have not purpose on this show, I thought I'd show up.
Mrs. Camden: Oh, you have a purpose. For instance, you could announce that this scene is over!
Cecelia: True! This scene is over. I do have a purpose here!
[Exeunt]