Scene 8, In which Simon comes back to the Camden house, and much toast is made

Scene: Camden kitchen, enter Mrs. Camden and Rev Camden.

Mrs. Camden: Oh, I'm so excited that Simon is coming back. I have missed him since he left for school. I am also very any at you because of this. Do you realize that I have only been able to stalk Ruthie and her boyfriend since Simon left?

Rev. Camden: My fault? What did I do to make Simon go?

Mrs. Camden: Nothing, but as usual I plan to blame you for everything in a fit of hormonally driven rage. Now, have you seen the twins?

Rev. Camden: Yes, I believe we left them upstairs unattended, after you locked me in the basement and went to the promenade.

Mrs. Camden: Oh yes. When you mention the twins, my dangerously uncontrollable mood swings to inexplicable giddiness. Whee! What fun! I love you, Eric Camden!

[doorbell]

Rev. Camden: I'll get it.

Mrs. Camden: How dare you? Sit down right now and make toast like I asked.

Rev. Camden: You never asked me to make toast?

Mrs. Camden: Quiet! You're only making it harder on yourself.

[Enter Man]

Man: Hello, I'm not a relative of yours, or even an acquaintance. I'm just a random person who was walking down the street and thought I'd walk in here and see if I could get you to give me a dinner and let me live in your house for a while, and hopefully date one of your daughters.

Mrs. Camden: Of course you can stay! I'm not sure about how free any of my daughters are to date, but it's possible I can figure something out before the big Holiday Dating Season begins!

Man: Ah, yes, the Holiday Dating Season. Nothing says "the Holidays" to me like going out on dates. May I mention that the author of this little scene has the email , and that you should write to him if you want?

Mrs. Camden: No you may not. If you're going to live in this house, you're going to live by my rules. And that means talking about our soldiers in Iraq.

Man: Huh?

Rev. Camden: Don't question her.

[Enter Simon]

Simon: I'm back. I decided that my floppy yellow hair won't work outside the promenade, so I'm back. Do you know if any of my various girlfriends are here to resume their relationships with me?

Mrs. Camden: Oh Simon, I'm so angry at you. No, I'm happy to see you! No I'm angry. No I'm happy! Here, meet this guy, who will be living with us for a while. We've decided to give him your room, so you can sleep in the tree house with Robbie, Lucy, her husband and brother in law, and Frank Viola, former major league pitcher who we agreed to let live in our house.

Man: Hi. I have a pregnant woman in my car who would like to be taken to the hospital. Can you do that?

Simon: Yes, but only if I can take her to the promenade to hang out.

[Exit Simon and Man]

Rev. Camden: Ah, everything is happy again once again. Let's go clean up the twins, who by now have graduated high school without us being there.

Mrs. Camden: Yes, because I'm deliriously happy again! Whee!

[exeunt]