CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Has this room always been this small?!
After spending such a big part of his life inside the cramped space of his Gundam cockpit, Heero Yuy never thought he could possibly be claustrophobic, but right now it certainly seemed that way.
Three paces one way and three paces back…this is practically a box here…
Of course he didn't take into account that those so-called paces he was taking were really huge lunges one way and the other
What the hell was happening out there?! What on earth was I doing?!
It was like waking from a long dream, and having no idea of what the heck one was doing before falling asleep. There seemed to be a lag in his memory, and nothing was making any sense. Reality was questionable, space and time interchangeable…
Nothing mattered, nothing existed, it was just one huge jumbled mess…
If it wasn't for the fact his head was hurting like crazy, he would've thought he was heading for limbo…
There was a mission….
I had a mission to complete…
The one and only thing he would rack up in his brain. All he could recall was that he had gone out on a mission…but then…
Did I ever complete that one…?
Oh God…I don't even know what the heck that mission was anymore…!
There was a huge lapse, and suddenly the only thing he could make out was his dark surroundings, his own heavy breathing, and the sound of a female voice, frighteningly close, repeating his name over and over again in his ear…
What he hell was that about??!!!
He didn't know if he had been acting out of sheer horror or mere instinct, but the next thing he knew he was shoving away whoever it was on top of him, and making a break for it. Vaguely, he was aware of the curious looks people were throwing his way as he tore through that huge, brightly lit room, but they were the last thing he was worried about. Something was calling him, someone was calling him….
Or maybe my head was just so messed up I really had no control over what I was doing…
It was so surreal, everything was happening in slow motion as if he was traveling underwater. And it was like everyone was calling him, calling his name, calling him back to them…
Heero! Heero! Heero!!!
The perfect soldier never ran away, he confronts, and he attacks. But in those moments of pure confusion back there, all he wanted to do…all he could do…was run, he didn't know what he was running from, and he couldn't see where he was running to…all he could feel was that he was running from one source of that calling, and straight to another…
Voices…
Heero! Heero! Heero!!!
The rest was instinct, it was like he thought that, if he could find the source of that other voice, he would be safe…
Safe?
What was I running from…?
He continued to pace that tiny room, ready to rip up something in his frustration at the whole chaotic state of things…
He wanted so many answers, but for some reason he just couldn't bring himself to open the door and approach the rest of the Gundam pilots, the only ones who may give him those answers….
What was happening…?
What happened to me…?
What was that place…?
Who did those voices belong to…?
What was I running from…?
And…
Who was I trying to run to…?
* * *
"We have a problem here guys…" Quatre said nervously.
"Oh you think so? I thought we were having a perfectly lovely little tea party!" Duo retorted, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "What could've possibly have given it away that we had a problem?!?"
"Duo!" Trowa glared at him "Could we?"
"Sorry" He mumbled, crossing his arms and sinking as far as he could back into the couch, wishing it could just swallow him up.
They sure didn't have an easy time convincing miss I'm-the-Queen-of-the-world-thus-all-bow-to-me Relena to get of there and go home so they'd have some room to discuss this little "situation", but somehow they managed to do it, after Quatre repeated "I'm sure he's just tired…" and "I'm sure he'll be fine in the morning…" and "no, it's not you, I promise it's not you…" about a hundred times, she must've been finally convinced that Heero was just in need of some sleep and he'll be all ready to go back to her again…
How the hell can she believe something like that…?!
That part was beyond Duo…
I guess Quatre's ways of conviction were more powerful than I thought…
Either that or it's because Wufei was standing there with his sword still in his hand, unsheathed this time…
Or perhaps Relena is just a bigger airhead than I had given credit for…
"I guess the first thing to decide…" Quatre's voice broke Duo's train of thought "Is whether or not we tell Relena that Heero had amnesia all this time he was dating her…"
"Well duh!" Wufei cut in "You wanna let her get away with thinking that he actually liked her all this time?!"
"No…but…"Quatre looked over at Duo awkwardly "Didn't we agree that…well, the fewer who knew the better?"
"That was then, this is now" argued Wufei "Back then we were worried that if any of our enemies found out, well, that wouldn't be terribly convenient, but now…that's not really an issue anymore!"
"Still…" Quatre shrugged uncomfortably "If we tell her that…he was…like…not really himself all that time…well…don't you think that…umm…"
"What are you getting at Quatre?" Wufei asked impatiently.
"Well it'll kinda hurt her feelings don't you think?"
As soon as the words left his lips, Quatre wanted to kill himself. The three gaping expressions on those faces around him, including that of Trowa, made him feel like the biggest most insensitive jerk in the world.
"Hello! Quatre! Over here!!" Duo yelled as loudly as he dared to avoid Heero's hearing range "You may not be aware of this, but I am still alive here!!"
"I know I know Duo!" Quatre repented "That's not what I was trying to get at, but the thing is…I don't know! It'll be so…hard…on…her…"
"Yeah, poor little Relena Peacecraft, how could we take Heero away from her? All she's have left is, like, oh I don't know…the rest of the world maybe?!"
Quatre cowered, for a moment he was almost certain Duo wanted to take a bite out of him. He blinked exaggeratedly and prayed for someone else to take over the conversation.
"Look" Trowa finally jumped in to break the strained atmosphere "I think the first thing we need to do is to find out how Heero feels about all this"
"Yeah right" Duo snorted "Just walk in and go 'so Heero, you just recovered from amnesia, how're you feeling?' I'm sure he'll be all too happy to discuss the wonderful state of mind he's in, and if you're really lucky, maybe he just won't kill you for it!!"
"Look Duo if you're just going to be irrational about this whole thing maybe you should go somewhere else" said Trowa "We don't have time for this"
"Suit yourself then" Duo stood up and headed towards the door "I'm not exactly enjoying been an eyesore here"
"Duo!" Quatre cried "You can't leave now! We need to talk about this!!"
"Well maybe that's what you need right now" Duo yelled, yanking open the door "But that's the last thing I need right now, okay? You have no idea how much I don't need to talk about Heero right now, alright? So you guys just do your rational little talking session, and I'll be out trying to make myself feel better…maybe I'll get really fortunate and a truck will run me over!!"
"Duo…!!"
That was all Quatre could get out before the door was slammed.
* * *
God I never imagined this would happen this way…
Hands in pockets, Duo walked down the sidewalk with a pace so fast it was practically not human. He didn't even know where he was anymore, or how long it had been since he stormed out of the house, all he knew was he had to use up all his energy walking or else he may go into a fit.
All this time, all those attempts…trying to help Heero get his past back…
I never imagined it would happen this way!!
Throwing him off a building, self-detonation, photo albums, flutes tunes late at night, near-death experience, battlefields, cliffsides…even the Zero system…
All those things we thought of….
None of them was it…
It took…
It took Relena to bring back his memory?
Relena…
So what happens now?
He realized that it was important to discuss what happened to Heero next, or at least how to handle him, but right now all he could think about was what happened between them, or what would happen next.
I can't confront him now, and I definitely can't declare anything to him now either…
I can't ask him about her…
Hell I can't even talk to the guy!!
His feet were starting to hurt from walking for so long, but he didn't care, he couldn't care…
That's not the only part of me that's aching right now…
Somebody…
Give me an answer…
* * *
"You sure you wanna risk this?" Quatre asked anxiously, clinging on to one of Trowa's arms as the two of them made their way to Heero's room.
"Stop worrying Quatre, someone has to do this sooner or later"
"Yeah, but don't you think we should wait until it's like…umm…safer?"
"Look, Quatre, I think we should get this out as soon as possible, if we don't get to the root of the source then it'll be too hard to figure out where to go from here. Besides, Heero probably doesn't even known what he's done, I'm going in there to talk to him"
"You promise you wouldn't get hurt?" Quatre still wouldn't let go of him.
"Promise" Trowa wasn't so sure Heero wouldn't aim a pistol at him as soon as he entered but he felt he had to reassure Quatre anyway.
"Umm…okay…well…" Quatre back away a little, biting a nail "Call…if you…need…anything…"
Here I go…Trowa took a deep breath, and opened the door.
* * *
Concentrate! You gotta concentrate here!!
Heero closed his eyes and leant against the window edge, trying to focus his thoughts.
Wait, this feels kinda familiar…He glanced at the pane…Window…ledge…night…
Omigod…
His eyes widened as a scene came to him…
Relena!
I was with Relena!
Why the hell was I there…what was I doing…?
What that part of the mission? What was she doing?
He pressed his fingertips against his temples, trying to control his breathing.
Relena…a dress…evening gown…must've been a party?
Why…was I there…what was I doing? What was my role there…?
Bodyguard? Assassin? Was I meant to be protecting her? Or was I trying to kill her?
What the hell?!
He looked down at his outfit…
What is this? What am I wearing?
Why the hell am I dressed like this?
The semi-opened shirt, the bare feet…
Holy…
His blood seemed to freeze…
RELENA!!!!
"Heero…open up to me Heero…"
NO!! That could not be!!!
"Oh Heero…"
Stop it!
He was ready to scream in horror as more and more of that evening's events came back to him…The dancing, the darkened room, Relena's hands against his bare body…
NO!! Oh God!! Please no!!!
I couldn't have! What was wrong with me? How on earth did I manage to get involved with her all of a sudden? What was I thinking? Was I not sane?
Was…I…not…my…self…?
He sunk to the floor; his skin seemed to burn as if he could still feel her breath on him, he couldn't make any sense of it all but still desperately wished all those memories were mere hallucinations…
"Heero?"
At the intrusion of Trowa's voice, Heero looked up. For a moment all they could manage to do was to stay in their respective positions of by the door and window and stare at each other.
"Heero…" Trowa spoke again "Are you aware of what happened to you?"
"Trowa…" Heero slowly got to his feet "I…I'm…I don't…" He turned away at the futile attempts to get a sentence together, his brain was still so filled up with images of Relena's advancing movements that he couldn't even see straight.
"You had amnesia, do you realize that part?"
Amnesia?!
"What?!" He spun to face him "I had what?!"
"Amnesia, it's been a few months now, you couldn't remember who you were or why you're here or anything, we tried to help you a few times but nothing worked, until last night, I don't know what went on but all of a sudden, you remembered"
So that's why there's that lapse in my memory…I didn't even know…
Oh help…
Was that why I was in bed with…
No! No! No! I couldn't have done that! I couldn't! I couldn't! I just couldn't'!!!!
"Are you alright Heero?" Trowa inquired "You feeling alright?"
"I…don't know…" How the hell am I meant to take this "During all this time…did I…do anything that was out of character?"
Trowa gave a strange, ironic laugh "Can't even get started on that one!"
Oh help me help me!!!
"For starters" Trowa went on "You were actually involved in…"
"No don't! Stop!" Heero held up two hands in front of Trowa's face to silence him "I don't want to hear any of that stuff!!" The dreaded feeling of what he was about to say made Heero want to throw up, he was suddenly more frightened than he had ever known he could be.
"But…"
"Do you hear me Trowa?! Stop it! Get out of here!!"
"Heero you've got to listen to me!!" Trowa tried desperately…I have to get him clear on this Duo Relena mess…
"No! I don't want to hear it!" Heero yelled, shoving Trowa backwards "Now you listen to what I have to say: I don't know exactly what I did in all this time that you say I've had amnesia for, but let me get this clear, I was not in a right state of mind! I was not really me! And I cannot be hold responsible for anything I may have said or done during this time, is that clear?!"
"Look, Heero, we didn't send you on any missions or anything like that during this time if you're worried about…"
"No! Stop! Trowa!" Heero demanded "I don't want to hear this!"
"It's nothing to do with the war Hee…"
"NO!!!!" The scream coming from Heero's throat sounded positively unnatural "Get out of here Trowa!!" He pointed a jerking finger at the door "Get out NOW!!!" He marched over to the door and pulled it open, almost taking off the knob in the process "Get out of here or I will kill you!!!"
Before he knew what was happening, Trowa found himself staring at a slamming door.
Well that did a lot of good…
"Trowa!!" Quatre exclaimed, running towards him "Are you alright? You're not hurt are you?"
"No I'm fine" Trowa sighed as he took one final look at Heero's door "But I think things are not going to be fine around here for a long, long time…"
* * *
You're gonna have to go back there someday Duo!
He stopped at the end of the sidewalk and glanced up and down at the building that was his home.
If you had kept walking you would've reached the point where the only way you could get back here is to circle the globe!
He started up the path, but stopped after two steps.
I can't do this! I can't go in now…
Oh come on…
He chided himself.
Stop this whole thing! You're shinigami here! Stop hiding from everything like some wimp! You've gotta face this! If you don't have the guts to do this you don't have the right to pilot Deathscythe!
He opened the door slowly, and peeped in.
"Hey, Wufei!" He whispered loudly, trying to get the attention of the boy sitting on the kitchen counter who was, for some reason, carving wood "What are you doing there?
"I'm making a toothpick Maxwell" Wufei rolled his eyes "Where the hell did you go?"
"Out" Duo shrugged as he kicked the door shut behind him "What the hell is that anyway?" He pointed at Wufei's project.
"It's actually something I was thinking of shoving up your ass!" Wufei threw down his knife and the block of wood "How could you run out at a time like that?! I mean, Heero finally gets his memories back, finally gets away from that empty-minded pacifist bitch, and you decide to walk out?!"
"Hey don't lecture me now Wufei!" Duo warned "Do you have any idea how I feel right now? I came back expecting Heero to want me again, and instead I get the news he's off living with…with…with that…well, as you so delicately put it once…that thing!"
"Well she's obviously out of the picture now, you saw how he was acting when she chased him in here, it was like he was trying to get away from some exotic disease or whatever…"
"Still…that's another thing…" Duo sighed and slumped against the counter "I don't know, I mean, it's good that he's got his memories back and all, but you know, if that was how he'd react to finding himself...well…kissing…Relena…" He choked on those words "I can't be sure that…that's not how he'd react to me…like, he's probably totally pissed off at me right now for all those times…we…umm…yeah…you know…" His voiced lowered to an inaudible level.
"So what, you're gonna hide from him forever?"
"No…just until…he…calms…down…"
Wufei sighed, part of him was still feeling guilty over how hurt Duo looked when he first found out about Heero and Relena, even though he knew he didn't, it still felt as if he had lied to him…made him put up his expectations and leaving him to fall.
But then again, here, Duo was trying to avoid getting things out in the open again, he was making the exact same mistake he had already made twice before, and this time, not even Wufei knew how to get the facts through.
"Look, Trowa went in there a while ago to talk to Heero, and he came out alive…sort of…so maybe you should go in and talk to him…"
"That's different! Trowa never…well…" Duo wrung his hands in frustration "You know what I mean! If I go in there, Heero would probably kill me! Judging from what he did to Relena…and she said she only tried to kiss him"
"Listen, Duo, Heero's probably going through some pretty tough moments right now, he's probably still confused about everything, I think he'd appreciate it if you at least made the effort the talk to him…after all, you were the closest one to him before all this happened…"
Duo looked thoughtful for a moment, but still, he crumbled.
"No I just can't face him, not now…not right now…I…I'll just go talk to Trowa and see what he's gotten out of him"
Wufei shook his head as he watched Duo head for Trowa's room.
Unless he gets amnesia too…that guy's never gonna change…
He frowned to himself.
How long is this going to go on for…?
Sigh…
Much longer than any of us can take it I'm sure…
* * *
"So what did he say?"
Duo's hand froze on it's way to knocking when he heard Quatre's voice through the door. Obviously, the 'he' in question was Heero here.
There was a pause, and Duo could practically see a speech bubble containing "…" coming out of Trowa's mouth. Exasperated, he pressed an ear to the door, straining to get some info.
"He was pretty scary wasn't he?" Quatre's voice again "I don't know what to do to him! I want to go and see if he's okay and everything, but right now, he's acting like an injured beast, not even you can handle him…"
Duo cringed, he didn't like what he had heard so far.
"It's so weird" Quatre went on "After all this time, after all the times and closeness we've shared…to see him suddenly divert back to been…so cold and far off…it's just so…"
"Hard to take?" Trowa's voice could finally be heard "I know what you're trying to say, but maybe we all have to accept that Heero, just wasn't really himself all this time, when I was in there, he emphasized that he can not be held responsible for anything he did or said in the past months…"
Duo felt his heart sinking…he suddenly felt very cold…
"You sure?" Quatre's voice.
"Yeah, he stressed that he was not in a sane state of mind and none of it could be held true…"
Silence.
"I…feel like we've lost a friend…"
Further silence…
"…I guess we just have to accept it that…the Heero who we've come to know after all this time never really existed…"
Duo's heart was no longer sinking, it had accelerated to a freefall.
I cannot be held responsible for anything I've said or done…
He could practically hear Heero saying that to him.
Looks like I was right…all this time…everything we've gone through…
All this really was just an illusion…a bubbly image…A dream…
"I love you Duo…"
"I need you so…"
"I miss you…"
He smiled bitterly…
The illusion has broken…the bubble has burst…the dream has ended…
That which never was mine…
Will never be mine...
Silently he backed away from the door into his own room, sinking down onto his bed.
Is this it?
This IS the inevitable…I couldn't stop it…none of us could see this coming…no one could have expected that…
So it's all over? It's ended?
Or really…did it never start in the first place?
He had never felt so confused in his life.
What if I had acted sooner…what if he never was with Relena? Would things be different now? If he was still with me would he be willing to give me a chance even after he gets his memory back?
Oh who care?
It doesn't matter…
The only thing I can do right now is to try and get over this…
But how how how how HOW?!?!!?
This is almost as bad as the night when Heero called out Relena's name for the first time…
Or worse…
I still had a chance then didn't I…?
Nor not…
Arrgh!!!
What the heck am I thinking?!
Stop living in the past!
This is it! Heero…the one whom you fell in love with…the one who fell in love with you…he's gone!! He's gone and he's not going to come back! Never! Get over this Duo! You've got to get over it! You've got to come to terms with this if you're ever going to be able to face Heero again!
Oh God…
Face Heero…?
How can I do this?!
I can't face him! I can't do it!
But I can't just run away again! No! Duo! Stop this!
Does Heero even know how I feel anymore? Does he know how he feels about me? Has he thought about it yet?
How am I going to do this?
I can't!
No!
Heero! Heero! Heero!
Why…?
Why did you have to do this…?!
If you couldn't let me keep you, why did you have to give yourself to me?
Why did you have to be so wonderful?
Why…
Why is it…
Why is it that even though I know it's all over, it's all hopeless…it's all lost…
Why is it…
Why is it that I still can't stop loving you…?