CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
The sound of the running water could drown out all the noise from the outside, but it couldn't stop the voices inside Heero's head from screaming…
Heero! Heero! Heero!
He closed his eyes and allowed the showerhead do its job, he didn't know how long he had been in the shower, a long time definitely, but he still didn't feel 'clean', as if there was some unremovable grit that was clinging to his skin.
Heero!
Stop it!!!
He willed the voices to go away with all his might, they were making him nauseous, he had almost switched off all of the hot water, and the cold stream running down his body stung terribly. But that didn't bother him, if it would make those voices go away, he'd throw himself through the thin ice of a frozen pond.
It wasn't like he wouldn't survive it…
Let go…
Let go of me…!
Something was missing, something big, something important…very important…was still missing…
What…?
Every time he questioned it, all he could draw was a blank, nothing was registering, and he couldn't figure out whether it was because his emotions were still so messed up from everything he had just recalled, or whether he was actually afraid of what he might come up with, it wasn't working…
Just couldn't make it work…
* * *
What time is it…?
Duo wearily brought his alarm clock to his face and blinked at the bright red digits that it displayed.
3:37pm…
PM…?
He sat up and rubbed his eyes, then he checked again.
Yup, 3:37…38…pm…
…The heck…?
The day is still not over?!
With a sigh he flopped back upon his bed, reverting back to the position he had been in for the last…
Well, by the looks of things, the last seven and a half hours…
Though…
…It feels like I've been here since the beginning of time…
After hearing Trowa's assertion to Quatre that Heero claims to take "…no responsibility for anything I've said or done in the past few months…" Duo had been in his room, half lying on his bed with his legs still hanging off the side. He was only dimly aware of the mess he was in, which provided an ironic contrast to the unusual tidiness of his room…
I ran away…I couldn't win…
I turned to confront…I still couldn't win…
Who can he possibly blame now?
…Trowa …for letting Relena take him away…
…Quatre…for being so damnably nice he couldn't stop her…
…Relena…for existing…
…Wufei…for not hitting me early enough when he should've…
...Oz…for ever creating these battles and allowing Heero to get injured in the first place…
…The original Heero Yuy…for been assassinated…
…Odin Lowe…for assassinating one Heero and rearing the next one…
…Dr J…for sending Heero to Earth…
…Professor G…for sending me…
…The Earth…for being here…
…Oh heck…
…I'm losing it…
…Seriously…
* * *
Heero inhaled deeply as he stepped, dripping wet, from the shower.
That didn't do much to clear my head but at least I don't feel so gritty all over anymore…
He dried himself over roughly with a towel, and pulled on some fresh clothes.
Well…not fresh exactly, but a change of clothes at least…
For some reason, even though he combed his room, the only outfit he could dig up was a rumpled shirt and a rolled-up pair of blue jeans, the rest of his clothing had mysteriously disappeared somehow…
Losing your memory sucks…
Shaking his head, Heero made his way back to his room, sticking one had in his pocket…
My pocket…?
Hang on a sec…
What's this…?
From that pocket he withdrew a crumpled piece of paper…
A note…?
Frowning, he smoothed out the sheet of paper on his desk…
…and that handwriting came into view…
"Hey! Heero!
Well you seemed to be sleeping like a baby so I decided not to wake you, the others are out on some type of errand or other and I've just got a call telling me there's something slightly wrong with one of the Gundams so I've been asked to go down there to help them check it out, nothing major, so I'll be home REAL soon! If you wake up before I get home then find something to do with yourself…and if you don't then you wouldn't be reading this note 'cos I would've gotten rid of it…
Okay now I'm just wasting time and energy and paper and ink…
SEE YA LATER!!!!
~~~DUO"
…What the…
Something clicked…
Heero's breath caught in his throat, it was as if another piece of this puzzle had been handed to him, yet he just couldn't figure out where it fit in…
Searching…
…Finding…
Flashing images passed through his mind…events that happened…words which were spoken…
..The stove…
…The gas…
…Falling…
…
HEERO!!!
Calling him…again, someone was calling him…but this time he could identify the voice…
That voice!!
For the first time, it sounded so clear, as if it had broken away from the haze that was entrapping it, Heero could finally hear…
Duo!
Duo! Duo! Duo!!!
Now he could hear his own voice screaming, screaming inside his head, a desperate cry that longed to be heard…
It was surreal, he could hear himself speaking, the words…that scene…
I'm going to die… This really…doesn't feel so bad…no pain…peace…warm… seductive…
Duo…I'll never remember my past…but I just realized…
Did I ever tell you…?
I needed you so…
…I think…
…I think…
…I think I…
He collapsed upon his bed with stunned silence it started to dawn on him where that piece of the puzzle was fitting in, his hands were icy cold, and his limbs felt stiff…
Duo…
His hand came against something under his pillow…
The metallic iciness of the object caused him to draw him hand back in shock, as if he had been electrocuted…
Cautiously, he lifted his pillow…
The cross…
As he reached for the large silver crucifix, his hands started to tremble…upon contact, they were shaking so much he could barely maintain his grip…
It was coming back to him…
The gap in his memory has started to close…
Suddenly deprived of all energy, Heero could only sit there, wide eyed and breathless, as those realizations, those confessions, all sounding through his own voice, echoed through his consciousness over and over again…
…I think I love you…
* * *
"Perfect timing, once again"
Wufei tapped away at the laptop, responding to another set of mission instructions, muttering small curses under his breath "It's like they know when we're in a state of chaos and always have to choose then to torture us…"
Quatre glanced at the screen from over his shoulder "Is it bad?"
"I can't really tell, but I shouldn't think so" Wufei shook his head "This place is quite close to where Duo and I were on our last mission, and they only need two of us this time as well, so I expect it to be similar to last time, and that was…well almost a game…"
"Oh…"
"So which one of you wants to go with me on this one?"
"Huh?"
"Well we obviously can't send 01 or 02 on this one, they're so…unstable…"
"That's not the point" Said Quatre "Trowa and I can take care of this one, your Gundam has barely had a chance to get repaired from the last battle"
"They're only minor" Wufei hardly thought anything of it.
"Still, I don't think it's a good idea, besides, you should stay here and keep an eye on those two…"
"Me?!" Exclaimed Wufei, jumping up "Why me?!"
"You're the only one who ever get s the nerve to yell at them…"
"What?!"
"Like…when Duo and Heero were all confused and stuff, you're the only one who can beat some sense into them…"
"And you can't do that because…?"
"Well…I just…can't get the nerve to do that…" Quatre wrung his hands in frustration.
"Wait a minute…" Wufei couldn't believe what he was hearing "You'd rather go out to war than stay here and discipline two people?!"
"Umm…"
Wufei stuck out his tongue "I don't believe this…"
"I'm with Quatre" Trowa put in hastily "I'd rather go than stay"
"Fine fine" Wufei raised both hands in surrender "I give up, I'll stay here and keep an eye on the domestic…violence…"
"You think there'll be violence?" Quatre's eyes went round.
"No!" Wufei sighed "You know what I mean!"
"Okay then…should we leave now?" Trowa asked Quatre, who nodded furiously, acting as if he was retreating to a safer haven than a bloody battle.
"Let's go!"
* * *
…I think I love you…
It just wouldn't go away…
…I think…
…I think…?
…What on earth does that mean?!
Think…he couldn't think. Over and over again he tried, but the results were always the same…a jumble of images, a flurry of sounds, the more he tried to break through it, the more messed up things got…and always, always, when he could stand it no longer and withdrew from the confusion, he would hear that voice…
Duo's voice…
Heero! Heero! Heero!
He whammed his own fists into the sides of his head.
Stop it!!
Help me!!
…
Duo…!!
Suddenly he was aware that he was crying, a shock in itself, he hadn't realized it until now but he must've been doing it for a long time, his shirt sleeves were soaked through and his face was damp, he could even feel his own tears running off his chin.
Why…
There was no way of explaining it, but there was a feeling of desperation growing in his chest, all the frustration and mystification sweeping through his senses have started to take over…
Run…
A different voice entered his head…
Run from all of this Heero…
A female…
Run to me…
A girl…
Open up to me Heero…
Relena…
NO!!!
Heero shook his head frantically, pulling at his own hair.
He was suffocating…
I need to get away!
I've gotta get away!!!
I need to…!
I have to…!
Anywhere…!
Just…away…
Away from here…
Away…
…from Duo…
No!!No!!!NO!!!!
I can't think about him! I cant' do it!
No…
I…just…can't…
Duo…
* * *
Give me a sign…
Still unmoved from his original position, Duo studied his ceiling.
Anything…just tell me what to do…
He needed to move, to go somewhere, do something…he felt that if he didn't move soon, he'd start collecting moss…
This is so stupid…
He hated lying here, who was he trying to kid? Did he really believe that if he let enough time pass, this problem would just go away on its own?
As if…
But then again…
He shut his eyes again, the other alternative didn't promise a better result, by confronting Heero, the only thing he could achieve was to bring on the pain sooner…
Fuck…
Where do I go from here…?
His radio was on, he must've turned it on at some point, though he doesn't remember doing so, and a familiar song was playing. Duo had heard it many times before but had never really paid attention to it, he knew the lyrics in the back of his head, but never really studied them, now, he faintly whistled along to a few bars of it…
"…sameta furi suru koto de otona ni nante narenai
anata no manazashi mamoritai
kanashimi tsuyosa ni kaeru ai wo shinjite…"
*…Pretending that the pain's worn off doesn't make you an adult…*
*…I want to protect that look in your eyes…*
*…Believe in the love that can change sadness to strength…*
Yeah right…
Duo snickered.
What do they know?
Reaching out, he switched off the radio, and yawned exaggeratedly.
At the very least I need to get out of this room…
Upon that thought, he straightened his outfit and opened the door, and…
Omigod…
…and immediately found himself directly opposite Heero, who had also chosen that exact moment to come out of his room.
Of all the…
He couldn't breathe all of a sudden, or move, much less react or say anything. For a few strained seconds the only action he could manage was to stay perfectly still, not daring to move even in the slightest…
Strangely enough, it seemed that was all Heero could manage was well…
He's been crying!
In all his tenseness the realization still came through to Duo, perhaps because it came as such a shock. Heero's eyes were evidently reddened, and his lips were deprived of all color.
Something slipped from Heero's hand, and fell to the floor with a loud clunk, the sound broke the tension, and as if suddenly shaken from a dream Heero tore off, without so much as a glance backwards or even remaining to pick up what he had left behind.
Duo gazed after him, noticing now that he has his senses back Heero was carrying luggage of some kind…
He's running away…
…from me…
He's remembered…everything…
He's regretting his actions and he's running away from it all….
From all this…
From his false memories…
From me…
It was logical, it made sense, but it hurt…
It hurt like hell…
…Why…
The object on the ground caught his eye, and he nearly cried out in recognition.
…My cross…
Heero holding it…when did Heero ever take it back?!
What's happening? What's happening to us? What's happening to me?!
Sweeping up the abandoned pendant, he once again backed into his room.
Heero…
How am I going to get through this…?!
* * *
The following morning, Wufei awoke to a completely silent house. Even before he opened his eyes he could feel that something was amiss. The air smelled and felt wrong. A sense of dread came to him…
As he entered the living room, he caught sight of the cause of that dread…
Two separate notes, placed on the coffee table, signed by two different signatures…
Without needing to pick them up, he knew exactly what had happened…
Oh for hecks sake…
He wanted to kill someone…namely himself.
Why wasn't I more careful this time?!
Briefly scanning over the notes, he felt as if he was going to be sick…
Why did I have to stay behind? I can't take this much longer!
Is that all they know how to do? They're soldiers! They're Gundam pilots! How come all of a sudden the only thing they're capable of doing is running away?!!
Far out…
He crumpled the notes and tossed them aside.
Is this never going to end?