CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
"You've got to be kidding! Both of them?!"
Over the screen of his laptop, Quatre was wide eyed with disbelief at what Wufei had just told him.
"Do I usually kid around?" The boy on the other end of the conversation snapped "I'm telling you, they've both taken off!"
"But…how could they? Like…why would they…but…oh for heaven's sake why the heck would they do that?!"
"I haven't been able to figure out why they do any of the stuff they've been doing lately, this one is no exception, all I know is that I'm left here alone and I have no idea where they are…"
"Hang on a sec!" Quatre interrupted "You don't know where they are?! That's so risky! What if we need backup here or something! I know they're both going through a lot right now but they still can't forget the mission!"
"It's okay Quatre" Wufei reassured "I don't know where they've gone but I can still reach them, don't worry, they may be idiots emotionally but they still haven't forgotten their posts" He paused for a moment "Wait a minute…are you saying you guys need backup over there?"
"No, no, not yet" Quatre quickly shook his head "But I have to say there's something very…odd about this mission…"
"Huh?"
"Well, it's not like they're throwing anything new at us or anything like that, in fact, so far all that we've been dealing with are mobile dolls… a lot of them…it's so weird, they never send out a lot at once, but the frequency of these attacks are so high…we barely get time to breathe once we get back from a battle before we're summoned again…it's like they're trying to tire us out or something…"
"And none of these are new models or anything?" asked Wufei.
"Uh-uh, nothing we haven't seen before, but they just keep on coming! There's like, no end to them!"
"Hmm…" Wufei frowned "And you're sure you don't need us to come out there?"
Quatre nodded slowly, he didn't seem terribly certain of what he was saying, but Wufei decided against arguing further, knowing how stubborn Quatre could get on topics as such.
"Okay…but contact me the second you feel you guys can't hack it alright? Don't do anything foolish!"
Quatre smiled "What's with all these warnings anyway? You guys are always so overprotective around me! Give me a little credit here I know what I'm doin'!"
"Fine, fine" Wufei shrugged "Just making sure…anyway I'd better get back to the all important task of going crazy thinking about 01 and 02…"
"Good luck!" The image on the screen started to phase out. "Over"
"Over and out"
* * *
Heero's eyes traced over the darkening clouds as he gazed out the window of the tiny, rundown apartment room he had chosen to be his refuge for the time been.
It's going to rain…
It's funny the kind of insignificant details which make themselves stand out to someone when they're doing all they can to not think about something.
His laptop lay open in front of him…no particular reason, at first it was his perfect-soldier cells acting in order to be alerted as soon as possible if any missions should come in, but now it was just something to keep his hands busy so he could resist the urge to blow up the place or something equally drastic. His fingers tapped away at the keys, but his eyes remained fixed on the view beyond his window. He had no idea what he was typing nor did he care…
He just didn't have the energy to care about anything else…
If only none of this had happened…
If only I had some control…
If only I knew what I was doing…
Not that he even knew what he was doing now…
Just trying to hide I guess…
Hiding?
What a joke…
…
The room was almost completely silent. The only sounds present were that of the clicking of the computer keys and the faint dripping of a faulty faucet in the background.
Dripping noises…
At first Heero hardly noticed it at all, but as time ticked by they started becoming more and more predominate to his senses. It wasn't the dripping itself that bothered him, it was the fact they so reminded him of a certain other scene, a long time ago, when a similar sound was protruding the silence...only that wasn't the dripping of a tap, it was the dripping of his own blood…
…Treatment room on the fiftieth floor of the Alliance military number three medical building…He remembered himself thinking…I've been captured…
Those bonds that held him down, trapped and helpless…
Just like I am now…
The scenario was different, but the feeling was the same, he was trapped, unable to free himself from his own confusion…
What happened after that…?
An explosion…a lot of smoke…and…
Duo…
That name just wouldn't go away, it was linked to every possible thought that came to his mind, everything around him was associated to Duo in some way or another, it just wouldn't leave him alone…
Why do I keep thinking about him? What is wrong with me?!
His teeth clenched and he squeezed his eyes shut, his fingers typing away faster and harder than he had ever done before…but still, somewhere in his subconscious, that scene still played on, and instinctively he waited for that explosion that may free him…
If only…
Of course, no explosion came, instead, what woke Heero from this trance was a loud knocking on his door. Abruptly, his fingers halted and he snapped back to the present.
Who the heck…?
No one was suppose to know where he was, who could possibly be here to see him?
Turning back to the screen for a moment, Heero's eyes widened and he felt himself freeze as he finally noticed what it was he had been typing out all this time…
duoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduo
duoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduo
duoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduo
duoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduo
duoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduo
duoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduoduo
Before he could even start to register, the knocking started again, this time accompanied by:
"Heeeeeeeroooooo!!"
It hardly took all of Heero's ultra-high IQ to figure out who his visitor was, and strangely enough he didn't feel the need to fall into a frenzy and panic, somehow he had expected her to find him and come after him…
What else is new…?
Quickly he cleared the screen, feeling almost mournful for a moment as Duo's name vanished from view, before proceeding to answer the door.
"Oh Heero!"
Relena…
She had come alone, for once not backed up by a dozen or so bodyguards or servants, upon eye contact, she immediately burst into tears.
"Heero! I've found you Heero! I've found you!!" She threw her arms around his shoulders and sobbed "Oh my poor Heero! Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me about what you had gone through? I wouldn't have sold you out you know that! Oh Heero!!"
He stood there motionless as she tightened her grip on him, laughing and crying all the while. He didn't feel the need to ask her how she managed to locate him, she's always managed to track him whenever he went…
To the docks…to a new school…to Antarctica…to outer space…
Yes, his memory had fully recovered and he could recall all those times she had shown up out of thin air, with her pleads, her orders…that voice and image he could never escape…
"Heero…it really is you, what are you planning to do? Who are you anyway?"
"Those are torpedoes aren't they? I can tell! Talk to me Heero!"
"Heero…who are you planning to kill?"
"Are you off to fight again Heero?"
"Heero! Destroy that man! Go ahead! Anyone associated with OZ is a disgrace to the Sanq kingdom!"
"Heero! It really is you Heero!"
Finally, her hold on him loosened and stepped back to look at him. And suddenly he felt her hands all over his face.
"Oh Heero! What happened to you?" She asked in dismay as she ran her fingers along his cheeks "You look terrible! Oh my…" Her voice took on an irritating streak of sympathy "You're so much thinner than the last time I saw you! How did you get like this?!"
He turned away from her, annoyed by the stream of questions she was firing at him. He slowly headed back to his original spot in front of his laptop. Turning around, he glared at her for a moment before finally speaking:
"What do you want Relena?"
"I came to see you Heero…" A hint of uncertainty came into her eyes at Heero's tone "I…was worried…"
"You get yourself involved in far too many things for your own good" Came the reply.
"Oh Heero…" She twisted at a strand of hair "You…you know what I mean…"
He crossed his arms and sighed. "You have too many other responsibilities to be worrying about me"
"But how can I concentrate on those other things if I can't be sure that you're alright?"
"Relena…" Heero placed a hand onto his own forehead and sighed "I can't deal with you right now…in the middle of all this…I can't handle it, okay?"
"That's why I'm here Heero!" She exclaimed and rushed over and knelt down in front of him "You're lost! You're confused! You have every right to feel like that! I understand! And that is why I'm here! I'm here for you Heero! You know that! If you had told me about this earlier I'm sure it wouldn't have been as hard on you as it is now! Let me help you Heero, please!"
"Relena!" Standing up in frustration, Heero yelled "You don't get it! You say that you know everything that's happened to me yet you're acting like you have no clue! Do you know what I went through Relena? Do you really?!"
"Of course I do!" She was little taken back, but didn't flinch "The other boys told me, you had amnesia…you were hurt…"
"Exactly Relena! Amnesia! You know what is, don't you?!"
"Oh Heero…" She stood up as well "Of course I do…you…you lost your memory…"
"…and do you know what it feels like to have lost your memory?!" Heero bellowed in her face "I didn't know who I was or what I was meant to be like! I had no identity! I was not in a sensible state of mind!"
"Oh…Heero…" Her hands reached for his face again, as if she thought stroking him would take the anger out of his system.
Desperate to get his point through, Heero brought back the line he had spoken to Trowa earlier "I cannot be held responsible for anything that I had said or done in the last few months! I was not myself! I don't know what I was thinking but whatever it is that I did, or said that makes you believe you can suddenly advance in on my life now…just because you did so while I had amnesia…well that wasn't me doing or saying it! Do you understand that Relena?!"
He was ranting…it was out of character and he knew it, but he was also desperate, desperate to have a clean slate of everything she may hold him up for…it was like waking up after a drunken one-night-stand, only to regret it the next morning and wish with all one's might that they could turn back time.
She was silent for a moment, biting her lips. When she did speak again, the anxiety had left her voice and her tone was calm:
"I see…" She nodded and sighed "So that's how you feel about everything now…"
Heero glanced at her for a moment, wondering if she finally got the message and how she was going to react.
"Everything that we've gone through….that all means nothing to you now…"
He chose to remain silent. Any response he may give would surely be interpreted mistakenly.
"I understand Heero…I know you must be so eager to deny…everything…it's like a way of protection, isn't it Heero?"
She smiled, and turned away from him, for a moment Heero thought she would leave, but instead she sat down where he had been sitting a few moments before, in front of the lap top, and spoke up again:
"The way you feel now…well I can tell you probably don't want my company, you probably don't even want to see me very much…so if it helps, you can close your eyes for now…but just listen to what I have to say!"
He didn't move, just stood there crossed armed, glaring.
She took a deep breath, and began "There may be a lot of things that you've gone through that I don't know about, and I understand your desire that none of it happened…you were acting in a way you'd never had done if you hadn't lost your memory, and perhaps you regret that…but think about this Heero: Was it really so wrong? Were all those emotions you felt really mistakes? Or mere figments of your imagination? Maybe you believe that you only did it because you weren't yourself, but how different could you have possibly been? You were still you! You were still Heero Yuy! Memory or not! Your instincts were still your instincts and your feelings were still that of your own! Just because you had no memory that doesn't change who you were! Your mind…your heart…Oh Heero! I know they were still yours! They were always there, but were never awakened because of your perfect soldier personality! Well perhaps this time, all those emotions you felt…perhaps that was a calling of your subconscious! Perhaps they were there all along but you just never realized them…everything you said, everything you did…they must mean something! Don't you think so? Don't you think it's worth trying, at least, to save what we had shared? Don't you think it was of some significance? Don't you Heero?"
Here, she suddenly stood up and launched herself at him, who barely had time to take a step back in reflex, but before anything could happen, a sharp beeping of the laptop broke the moment.
"This is Chang Wufei to Heero Yuy. Heero do you read me? Over."
Relena's teeth gritted, this wasn't the first time that annoying Chinese pilot had ruined her moment with Heero. She shot a glare at the computer, before turning back to Heero hoping she could distract him enough to make him forget that message.
"Heero! Think about it! Search your soul Heero! Please! You must realize…"
"Heero! This is an emergency! Please respond! Over!"
Wufei's voice was more urgent this time, Heero frowned and tried to pull away.
"Heero!" Relena cried as he reached for his laptop, she stepped between him and the table, wrapped her arms around his neck, and kissed him. Lips, tongue and all.
This was a move Heero had not been preparing for, all the memories of that evening when he had suddenly found himself half-dressed, on the same bed as Relena, came rushing back to him, as if it was all being reenacted…
"Heero! I repeat, emergency! I have received new mission instructions! Please respond! Over!"
At the words "mission instructions", Heero's military instincts overcame his emotional trance, pulling away from Relena's desperately searching lips he pushed her aside and hit a few keys on his laptop, Wufei's face appeared on the screen.
"Heero! Finally!" Wufei exclaimed "We have an urgent mission here! Report to the Gundam Storage base immediately!"
"What's the problem?" asked Heero, ignoring Relena's sighs of irritation in the background.
"Trowa and Quatre are in desperate need of backup. I'll give you the full details when you get back. You'll be taking Wing Zero and Duo and I will be in a carrier with Altron and Deathscythe Hell"
"Duo…?" Heero's mind flicked at that name, and an odd feeling rose in his chest; he couldn't tell if it was anticipation or dread "He's going too?"
"Yes" Wufei's eyes narrowed as he answered "We'll see you there. Over"
The screen went blank. Heero took a moment to gather himself before snapping the laptop shut and turning to his company.
"I have to go now Relena"
"Oh but Heero!" She cried in disappointment, her eyes filled with plea "Can't you stay? Please Heero!"
"I am needed" He replied as he started to collect his belongings "Trowa and Quatre need us"
"I need you too!" She blocked his path "I need you Heero! Can't you stay here with me? You know how much it would mean to me! I really need you!"
"You have the strength to go on without me, you know that" Heero told her "I have duties, I have to fulfill them"
"But…"
"…And you have your duties too" He cut her off "You shouldn't be away from your post for so long Relena, it's about time you returned to face your responsibilities as Sovereign of the World Nation, you promised to unite the Earth and Space and to achieve that you cannot afford to be wasting time here on a mere soldier like myself"
"Oh Heero! You know you mean much more to me than any of those things!"
He stopped his task for a moment and gave her a steady glare "If that is how you feel you don't deserve what you're trying to ask for"
With that he picked up his bag and headed to the door.
"Heero!" She chased him "Heero! Please! If you feel you must go I will support you! You know I'm on your side! Whatever my position is! But at least promise you'll think about what I have said! Please Heero!"
He paused in his tracks, hope rose in her heart that he was going to come back…
But without so much as turning around, he uttered an icy "Goodbye Relena"…
…And then he was gone…
* * *
"He should be here any moment now" Wufei shut off his computer and turned to Duo, who was sitting slouchingly at the foot of Wing Zero.
"Oh yeah?" The braided boy replied without so much as a glance up "Great…"
"You gonna act like that the whole time?" Wufei couldn't help the annoyance in his voice.
Duo shrugged "Whatever…"
His companion sighed, and shook his head "Well I'll go wait for him outside okay? You care to join me?"
Duo didn't move "Can't be bothered…"
"If that's your attitude in this battle you're gonna be killed before you have the chance to swing your scythe even once, you know that?"
Duo merely shrugged again. Wufei rolled his eyes, he had only been with Duo a few minutes and already he was driving him out of his mind. He used to think that nothing could be as annoying as Duo's non-stop chatter, but now he saw how wrong that was. This listless silence was more than a hundred times worse.
Never thought I'd say this…but someone give me that old Duo back!!
…
Duo watched him leave, he had every urge to join him out there, waiting for Heero to come, he had missed him more than he even thought himself capable of in the mere few days they had parted. Now fate had it they were brought together again…but he was so scared, so totally terrified of what may happen when they meet again. Somewhere inside in his subconscious he had been holding on to that tiny glimmer of hope that Heero will suddenly rediscover the love he had for him, in those lonely nights Duo had lain awake till the many hours past midnight, he had fantasized and dreamed about the scene of their reunion…
…Standing, facing one another, the surroundings to silent they could hear the sound of each other's heartbeat…
…Heero's eyes tearing up…Duo's own eyes misting over…
…Duo's name escaping from Heero's trembling lips…a choked, distressed cry of need…
…Duo's arms opening…Heero rushing into them…
…The embrace…
…The kiss…
…The sweet moments that shall follow…
He could've drowned in those fantasies…almost forgetting himself in the process…
But when reality made itself known…the pain had far outweighed the sweetness…
…Heero…
Seeing him again…facing that coldness…Duo knew it would shatter that dream…shatter it so badly it could never come together…and Duo was frightened of that…so desperately frightened…
His hand brushed against something on the ground. Glancing in that direction curiously he noticed it was that piece of wood Wufei had been working on the day before he 'ran away'. It wasn't, as Wufei had said, a toothpick, but a tiny replica of his beloved Gundam Nataku. It wasn't completed yet, but it had beautifully intricate details. Duo examined it for a moment, before reaching for his own pocket knife and proceeding with the project himself.
If I wreck this Wufei's gonna kill me…He thought…But then that may not necessarily be a bad thing…
Metal blade glided over wood, Duo tried to put all his energy into that piece of wood…something he had been doing a lot of lately, as if he believed that if he concentrated on one thing hard enough, the rest of the world would cease to exist…
"Duo! Heero has arrived, prepare to leave now!" Wufei's voice came over the intercom, sounding professional and indifferent.
Heero!
In his initial shock Duo lost sight of the knife in his hand, and upon the next stroke the blade sunk into his hand, the pain from that cut aching him back to his senses.
He glanced at his hand, an even straight line across his palm, the blood start to bead up at the edge of the wound…
Watching it…watching his blood flow…it was almost fascinating. It wasn't the first time he had bled of course, but he had never stopped to examine the blood before. And he never realized it was such a beautiful thing, fresh blood…bright red and almost shiny, the cut wasn't deep, but it was enough for the blood to continuously bead up, and run down his arm.
Moving as if his actions were directed by another power, he found himself swiping the blade down his palm again. A parallel line to his first cut. Again…the processing of pain, blood and streaking repeated itself…again he watched and was entranced…
But he was still not satisfied, it was a weak moment, it was an act of self-torture…he was looking for physical pain to cover that within himself…
This time, he brought the tip of the knife down diagonally across the other two slashes, the pain of wound on top of wound finally satisfied the hunger of his heart, and he smiled bitterly as he watched the three rivers of red run down his hand…his wrist…his arm…dripping off his elbow…
It kinda looks like two crosses…He thought…remembering his own precious necklace…Joined at the horizontal…
Actually…
He looked closer…
It looks…like an H…
H…
A door slammed open…
…And that voice was heard…
"Duo!"
Looking up, not fully recovering from his ordeal with the blade, Duo could hardly tell if he was awake or dreaming when he met that pair of Prussian eyes…not cold and steely as he was expecting, but so full of passion they reverted Duo back to that insanely wonderful time when Heero had been his…
He smiled weakly, and closed his eyes…he had to be dreaming…Heero's eyes didn't hold that kind of emotion in reality…and his voice couldn't possibly be so overflowing with feeling as he had just heard…
My mind is playing tricks on me…
Suddenly he felt someone grabbed his left hand…his bleeding hand. His eyes flew open and he sat there, unable to breathe as he realized he wasn't dreaming after all…
Heero!
He was there, beside him, the look in his eyes hadn't changed, they were wide with panic and alarm. Duo was mesmerized as he watched Heero wrap his own hand around his wrist, wiping away at the blood…looking for the wound…
"Heero…" He whispered, and that was all he could manage.
"What did you do Duo? What did you do to yourself?!"
The voice was coming from Heero's lips, but Duo could hardly believe it…he sounded as if he was ready to cry…
"I'm…I'm fine…" He stuttered. "I…just cut my hand accidentally…"
Heero ran his fingers over Duo's wrist a few more times, then suddenly he let go, and backed away.
"Oh…sorry…"
Duo's heart raced…
He thought I slashed my wrist! He finally realized the cause of that panic. He thought I was committing suicide!
Despite the frosty glaze that now covered the emotion in Heero's eyes, and although his expression was harder than ever, Duo still couldn't help feeling a ridiculous rush of excitement.
He was worried about me! He almost smiled as he traced his own fingers over his wrist. He was so worried!
…Does that mean…
…Does that mean he really…does still care?
It wasn't nearly the same as his fantasy, but it was perhaps the nearest reality could get…
It's there…it has to be...all those feelings he had felt for me…they must still be there! Deeply buried perhaps…but they must still be there!
"Alright you two!" Wufei had to cut in at last "We have a mission on our hands here!"
"Right" Heero took a deep breath and nodded "The carrier is ready to go, so you take off first, I'll follow in Zero"
"You sure you'll be able to handle it?" asked Wufei, just as caution.
"Yes" Heero replied with such certainty it surprised the other two. Then, without any further comments, he started his ascend to the cockpit.
"You really had to do that right before a battle didn't you?" Wufei turned to Duo once Heero was gone "How are you going to operate your Gundam now?"
"I'll be fine…" replied Duo hazily as he headed for the carrier. "It's no big deal…"
"I hope so…" Wufei grunted, and followed.
"Trust me…I'll be fine…"
Yes…I'll be fine…
Heero…
You gave me something to hold on to…
If it took those cuts for you to find those emotions hidden deep within your tormented and confused heart…
If that's what it took…I'll bleed an ocean to have your love back…
Heero…
I'm not afraid anymore…I have hope now…
I know it wasn't a mere illusion…
Yes…
I have faith…
Everything will be alright…
A/N: I know the mood of this chapter was a bit different to the rest…darker perhaps…but I'm having mood swings here (That happens when you start school after a loooooooong overseas holiday…sigh….). And before anyone tells me again, yes , I KNOW the cutting thing is "horribly cliché" (and I for one, hate cliché! Eep!!) but the process still, for lack of a better word, fascinates me, I have a really good friend who does it (only with scissors instead of a knife, don't ask) and I had her describe most of that for me…Sorry if it made anyone else *cringe*…I'm allowed one bad chapter right? (or a few…ahe…)