CHAPTER NINETEEN
What the heck was I thinking?!
Heero's grip on the controls have become so forceful he was running the risk of pulling the whole system apart, he knew he was already flying at too high a speed for the carrier to keep up with, but that was just about the last thing he could worry about at this point…
There was the mission, the all-important mission lying ahead of him, he needed to concentrate on it, he needed to think out strategies, make plans, predict the unpredictable…it was what he grew up with, the way he was taught to think constantly as far back as he had ability to think for himself…
He shook his head, trying to shake the image of Duo from him memory, or rather, trying to shake that moment of violent fear from his memory….to have seen him lying there with his eyes closed, and streams of blood running down his arm…Heero's mind had blanked…his guard fell, his mask was ripped from him…he didn't know what he was doing but for a split second all he wanted to do was break down and sob uncontrollably…
…and die…
He wanted so badly to die…
To die in Duo's place…
To die for him…
Or to die with him…
But what the heck processed me to think like that?!
That was what he couldn't figure…how he lost his logic so suddenly…
What happened to my judgment?! There wasn't nearly enough blood there to resemble a slashed wrist! How could I have thought that?!
At first he tried pushing it all down to momentary insanity, after all, he had just recovered from a few months of living with amnesia…but then again…
Then I touched him! I touched his hands! And they were perfectly fine…so why couldn't I get control of myself then?!
No, there was no logical explanation, and really, he didn't feel up to trying to come up with one. What he needed to do now was to push the those thoughts to the back of his mind with all his might, and focus on the mission ahead…
If only it was that simple…
* * *
"Did you see that Wufei? Did you?"
Having barely finished bandaging his hand, Duo was already using it to grip his comrade's arm as he nervously repeated his question over and over "Did you see? Did you?"
"I'm not trying to be unsympathetic Duo" Wufei sighed as he shook free of the grasp "But now's not the time to be thinking about that! If you don't pull your concentration back to where it's suppose to belong, we could be in some serious trouble"
"I know I know…" Duo twisted the remaining bandages in his hand "But can you blame me for that Wufei? Can't you even try to understand me right now?"
Wufei gritted his teeth "Let me say this again Duo: Now is not the time!"
"Would you stop been such a prick?!" Duo yelled, annoyed "Do you have any idea how I feel right now? How can you expect me to behave in any other way? Didn't you see Heero? Didn't you see how he was acting? The expression on his face! His tone of voice when he called out to me! How can I not be feeling this anxiety? Why can't you understand that?"
"We're on a mission Duo!"
"The mission, the mission! Why is it that's all you guys are ever capable of thinking of?"
"As soldiers, yes!"
"…Nanimo yuzuranaide
Wakariaeru hito gaireba
tatakau koto dekiru kara…"
*…Don't surrender to anything…*
*…Because when you have someone who understands you…*
*…You can fight on…*
Duo banged the back of his head against his seat "I saw it…can't you just confirm I wasn't hallucinating?"
"If you want a confirmation, you should be asking him, not a third party"
"Ask…him…? You mean Heero?"
"No I mean go ask Howard! Sheesh! Of COURSE I mean Heero!"
"I…can't…"
"Oh God, Duo! Please don't make me do the speech again!"
"You're that certain?"
"Yes! When we arrive, confront him! Drill the answers out of him! You've pestered him before, you can do it again! Stop hesitating like this or you'll lose your chance, and like I've said before…" He bit his lip "You'll regret that forever"
"Are you saying something's gonna happen to Heero?" Duo's eyes widened nervously "Don't jinx him!"
"I'm not trying to jinx him!" Wufei replied "I'd just hate to see you guys loose any more time"
"Why do you keep talking like that? It's like you're so sure one of us is going to die in the next battle!"
"That's…not what I meant…" Wufei's expression darkened suddenly "Look, just forget I said anything okay?
"Fine, fine…" Duo turned away "Sheesh you can be so tetchy sometimes!"
"Well you chose to pester me"
"Okay then, so I asked for it…" Duo sighed "How long till we get there anyway? I want to talk to Quatre…hopefully he doesn't think I'm a complete moron yet…"
"Talk to Quatre…?"
"Yup! I mean, don't get me wrong, I respect your advice, just…wanna get another person's point of view that's all…I'm pretty sure he's just gonna say the same thing you did…but still…"
"I…don't think so…"
"Huh?"
"I…he's not…" The words seem to have left Wufei all of a sudden, he gripped the controls tighter and swallowed hard "He…might not…you're…you probably…probably won't get to…to…talk to…"
Duo glanced back at him warily, obviously there was something Wufei hasn't told him.
"What's happening? What are you trying to say?!"
"I don't think you'll get to talk to Quatre, Duo" Wufei finally untwisted his tongue "He's…not going to be able to talk to you…"
"What the…?!" Duo's eyes widened "What's that suppose to mean?! Omigod…" His heart raced "Has something happened to Quatre?!"
Wufei didn't reply, nor did he look in Duo's direction.
"Wufei! Answer me goddammit!" Duo grabbed the Asian boy by the shoulder "You trying to drive me insane here?!"
"I…can't be sure of anything yet…I can't say for certain…"
"Something's happened!" Duo cried with utter frustration "Spill it Chang!"
"I…"
"I don't' give a damn what you're certain and not certain of! Just tell me what you know!"
"Alright alright!" Wufei finally surrendered "But I don't you to freak out or any…"
"Freak out?!" Duo felt as if he was on the edge of hysteria, what with everything that's just happened with Heero, and the thought of what may have happened to Quatre…what Wufei just said seemed so incredibly hilarious "What the hell do you think I'm doing now?!"
"Okay then listen" Wufei placed the carrier into auto-pilot and turned to Duo "When I got the instructions for this mission, I was also given a very brief overview of the situation there…"
Duo was all ready to strangle his companion at the rate he was going, but he knew that if he acted any more vexed Wufei would refuse to tell him anything.
"It seems that our last mission was actually a fluke—a trap to mislead us into thinking this mission would be easy and hence put down our guard…normally that wouldn't work…but with what's been going on lately…" He paused momentarily "I'm disgusted with ourselves that we did…"
"So…" Duo was catching on "Are you going to tell me that the enemy is a lot more stronger that we initially…Oh…my…" He suddenly realized what Wufei meant by 'He's not going to be able to talk to you', or at least he thought he did. "Is Quatre hurt? Has he been injured or…something…?!"
"What?" A look of surprise came into Wufei's eyes.
"It's Quatre isn't it?" Duo concluded with certainty "What happened? Is it serious?! Why didn't you tell me earlier?!"
"Quit jumping to conclusions Duo!" Wufei said, irritated "Quatre's not wounded or anything, he's fine…well, sort of…" He trailed off.
"So exactly what is wrong?!" Duo grabbed Wufei's shoulders and shook him "Why are you acting so weird? Just tell me straight and quit dancing around the details!"
"I've been told…" Wufei began, trying to meet Duo's eyes as he spoke, but failed to do so, instead, he shifted his unsteady gaze to Duo's left shoulder as the uttered the words he had wished he didn't have to say "I've been told that…
…Trowa is dead"
* * *
…Was it really so wrong? Were all those emotions you felt really mistakes?
…Your emotions were always there, but were never awakened because of your perfect soldier personality!
…You were still you! You were still Heero Yuy! Memory or not! Your instincts were still your instincts and your feelings were still that of your own!
…Everything you said, everything you did…they must mean something! Don't you think so? Don't you think it's worth trying, at least, to save what we had shared? Don't you think it was of some significance? Don't you Heero?"
Those words never left him, they reverberated through his mind, and each time he heard them again they found they way deeper into his heart…
"Was it really so wrong?" He muttered to himself "Were they mistakes? I was still me…wasn't I? Significance…it was of…some significance…what significance?" He shook his head "Why the heck would any of that be of any significance to me?!"
He stared ahead at the endless spread of clouds, wishing that this road of confusion would come to an end.
"Guide me, Zero" He whispered "Show me something besides who my enemies are, I wish you could show me my own heart"
The system remained inactive, it wasn't designed for this purpose.
"I can't let this keep going on, I can't stand the way things are! It's like everyone is waiting for me to…to do something, but heck! Why can't you tell me what to do?!"
I know the full story now…I have all the information I need…
…And yet I still can't make a decision…
…I still cannot find the answers…
He could almost laugh at himself.
Everyone thinks I'm so smart…so able to do everything like it was of nature…so capable of finding my own way…so sure of where I was going…
Well to hell with them!
There he was, piloting the mobile suit that everyone felt was created just for him, he should be feeling so much at ease, surrounded by such familiarity, being placed back into his natural environment from which he had been deprived of for so long.
But that wasn't happening, and it was annoying the hell out of him.
Everything happens for a reason, right?
At least that was what he had believed in before, but now, after all that's happened, he couldn't see that there was ever a reason for it.
The reason…
What reason…?
Hang on a sec…
…Duo…?
He suddenly seem to be shaken out of the daze he had been in for the past few minutes, and with wide eyes, he stared at the image that had risen before his eyes.
"Duo?" Heero called out with shock, he blinked a few times, before looking again, the image did not alter, "Duo?!"
Never mind that it didn't make any sense as to why Duo would be floating around outside Wing Zero in mid-air, grinning at him, and reaching out with both hands.
Heero lifted one hand to touch the screen, delicately as if afraid to break that illusion.
Duo…what does this mean? What are you trying to tell me?
Heero's vision came to Duo's hands, and he realized with horror that they were, again, drenched in that all-too-familiar yet still terrifying color…
Crimson…
And the scene repeated itself all over again…
"Duo! What are you doing?!" He cried, the panic that had overtaken him earlier when he had witnessed a similar scene came to him again, yet he couldn't remember what had happened after that…
"Duo!"
The smile faded, his beautiful cobalt eyes closed, yet his hands, those blooded covered hands, still reached out to Heero as he fell away from him, away from him and into the world below.
"DUO!"
Heero's eyes snapped open, and he found himself panting heavily. Looking up, the view had been the same as it ever was, clouds, sky, and more clouds. Glancing over to another monitor he realized that he had left the carrier too far behind. Though he was slightly puzzled as to why he didn't get signaled to slow down, he didn't have the energy to wonder about it. Absently he reduced his velocity; it was hardly the first thing on his mind right now.
"Duo" Again he repeated that name, and surprisingly didn't feel foolish saying it to himself "Duo…Duo…Duo…"
With each repetition he heard his tone changing, and it seemed to get more familiar each time…that may sound strange, becoming more familiar with one's own voice, but there was no other way of putting it.
"Did I ever tell you…"It was as if he was mimicking his own thoughts on that fateful day, the day that he had nearly died and had felt that apprehension "I think I…"
Say it! A voice in his head commanded. Just say it! Just say it and see how you feel when you do! Say it! Let yourself go! Stop trying to hold everything back! You can't pretend that nothing's happened, you can't run from the truth forever! If you keep hiding like this you'll just be living a lie!
"I may run and I may hide, but I never tell a lie"
Dammit!
"Did I ever tell you, I…I…I needed you so…I think…I think I…"
Stop stuttering already! Just say it! Since when did Heero Yuy ever stutter?!
There was no one around, no one to hear him, it was the perfect time to try…
Evaluate your feelings after the words come out! You'll never know if you never try! Say it! Stop thinking about it! Quit hesitating over it! Say it! Say it! Say it!!!
"Alright already!" Heero yelled at himself, he couldn't take those silent screams any longer.
They were less than thirty minutes from their destination, the carrier was catching up to the Gundam.
"Now or never" Heero sighed, feeling as if something had taken over his body and mind. He took a deep breath, gripped the controls, and closed his eyes.
"Duo…
…I think I love you"
A/N: The drought is over. Olivia is still not dead! Okay, even though almost NOTHING happened here, the next chapter shall have a lot more action! Promise! And less "thoughts" going on, I have to drop the confusion mode don't I? (I realize I've been saying that for a while…but eh…)
Next chapter will be up soon (I mean it!), and I've also going to update "To be the Winner" if anyone is interested. Also thinking about started 2 new fics that have been haunting me for ages, "A time for Us" and "My Guardian Dreams", will you support me then?
To those people who haven't given up on me…a BIG thank you!^^