A/N: English is not my first language.
CHAPTER TWENTY
It wasn't the anticipated sweetness that followed after Heero heard his own voice utter those few, frightening words.
"I think I love you…"
Yet, the feeling that followed was not fear either, nor was it confusion or anxiety…
He didn't feel any of those things…
It was relief.
It was that same feeling he had experienced when he had awoken so many nights during his amnesia, having been shocked out of his sleep by that reoccurring nightmare.
Darkness, fire, the endless running…
Waking up and finding Duo, finding comfort in those loving, open arms…Been reassured that…
I can stop running now…
I don't need to run away from anything anymore…
A strange sensation came into his chest, as if a huge burden had bee lifted from it. A faint smile came to his lips. It had been so easy, he had imagined that the very thought of saying those words, even to himself, would be so hard, so frightening difficult and had desperately wanted to avoid it. He had been looking for an escape.
But what was there to escape from? He could almost laugh at how easy it was…It's not frightening, it doesn't feel wrong…I never needed to run…
Not that he suddenly had a frantic urge to turn on the comm. Link and make a screaming declaration of love to Duo over their radio speakers, but at least he wasn't confused anymore. Of course he still had doubts over what Duo's side of this story would be like right then after all they've been through. But at least, he had found where he stood.
I'll just have to take things on from here…admission wasn't that hard after all, but the road form there onwards does not always promise to be smooth…
Just take things as they come I guess.
Destination was in sight. Heero started his descent.
* * *
As he stepped off the carrier, Duo felt as if the ground beneath him was trembling. Though his steps were steady, nothing else seemed to be.
Trowa is dead
His throat felt tight, and his whole body felt cold. He wrapped his arms around himself but that still didn't prevent the shivering.
Trowa is dead…
It was always a possibility, and Duo knew it. As much as he didn't want to think about it, deep down, the knowledge was always there.
But that didn't make things any easier when the dreaded event really happened, no amount of preparation could really train a person to "just accept it" when something like this happens. And while Duo was always aware of the risk in battle, somehow, in a subconscious way, he had convinced himself that if any of them were to die, he'd be the first one. Not Trowa, not anybody else.
Or maybe that was just what he wanted to believe.
Trowa is dead?
He registered the words, he understood the situation, but it was one thing to understand and another to accept. He didn't want to accept, accepting it is admitting it, and somehow he felt that as long as he denied it, there was still a chance. It was an unsubstantiated theory, and an unfamiliar feeling at that. But lately he had felt that denying the truth, or what seemed to be so, was the only way he could hold on to hope. Just like he refused to accept the fact that he may never have Heero, here, he was doing the same thing…
Trowa is…
…
Wufei watched him from close by with a heavy heart. He regretted letting it slip that something was amiss, and even more that he had given in to Duo's demands. It should've been easy to predict this would be his reaction, no matter how many times Wufei assured him afterwards that it was just an supposition, and still yet had very little evidence to back it up, he just wouldn't listen, nothing was going in.
Trowa…
And he couldn't even see or notice it when Heero approached him.
"Duo…?"
It took a while for Heero's hesitant voice to reach Duo's conscious mind, and even when it did, he didn't seem to be able to respond to the call.
Heero stopped in his tracks, confused at Duo's lack of response, he frowned slightly, contemplating whether or not to proceed when suddenly the other boy looked up, and rushed to him.
"Oh God! Heero!" Duo cried upon reach "What are we going to do? What are we going to do?" He repeated that question over and over, gripping onto Heero's arms and shaking him "What are we going to do?"
Right before Heero had alighted from his Gundam, he had imagined a number of possible ways in which Duo may greet him, but this definitely was not one of those scenarios. Taken by utter surprise, he could do nothing but look down at the hysterical boy with wide eyes while trying desperately, but unsuccessfully, to figure out what's got Duo worked up so.
He's having a breakdown just because we have a mission? That can't possibly be it! Duo doesn't get scared about going to war…
What else could possibly be wrong?
"Trowa's dead, Heero!" Duo's choked cry answered Heero's silent question "Trowa's dead!"
What the hell?
Heero felt numb.
What the hell is this idiot saying? I don't understand…
"What?!" Was the only word Heero could force out, he felt as if an explosion had just gone off in his chest. "What the fuck…?"
"Trowa's dead!" Can't you hear me?! He's dead!" Duo finally looked up to meet his eyes, and even through his numb shock, Heero still got a start at how red and unsteady those once-shining cobalt eyes looked…
"No he's not…" Heero denied, almost like an automatic reflex "What are you talking about? Quit blabbering and calm down! You have no idea what you're saying!"
"I'm not blabbering!" Duo's grip tightened as he shook Heero harder, it almost violent, he couldn't control it.
"Don't listen to him" Wufei finally spoke "It's my fault, I shouldn't have said anything…"
"Oh so by not telling me it means that the situation doesn't exist anymore?!" Duo let go of Heero and turned on Wufei "Is that what you're saying?! Is it?!" He laughed, a bitter, maniacal laugh "Hell then! No one should've told me that this war ever existed! Maybe the empty strive for peace would've ended by now! And no one had to die for it!"
"What the hell is going on?!" Heero demanded, a mixture of frustration, fear and anger in his voice. "Wufei would you just tell me what the matter is? How could Trowa be dead?!"
"He's not!" Since Duo refused to accept this claim, Wufei had little hope that Heero would, but he felt he had to try anyway "When I got the mission instructions there was some hint that he was, but there's no real evidence! I emphasized over and over again it was only a guess, but this stupid fool just wouldn't listen to me!"
Baka! Why the heck are we just standing here then?!
"Well…" Heero said through gritted teeth "Why are we just talking here? Shouldn't we be trying to find out what's going on? Standing around here is not going to achieve anything!"
Upon hearing his words, Duo seemed to calm down slightly. He turned and met Heero's eyes.
No matter what you've been through Heero…Duo thought in a misty haze…You're still the perfect soldier…
"You're right" He said in a still shaky voice "We're wasting time here.
And with that, the three of them set out on their way.
* * *
Being situated near a battlefield, the hospital was typically in permanent disarray. As soon as Heero, Duo and Wufei stepped through the doors, they felt like they would suffocate in the dense air within those walls. Everyone seemed to be rushing around, the nurses, the doctors, the visitors and even some of the patients. The smell of blood hung in the air, and the whole placed seemed to be filled with yelling, crying, anguished people.
It definitely did not make the three boys feel any better.
Making their way to the receptionist's desk was no easy task, there were just too many people there, and not enough staff members to match.
Finally, Duo's patience, what little there was, gave out.
"Get the fuck out of my way!" He roared, elbowing his way through the small crowd that stood between him and where he wanted to go "Emergency!" Once through, he grappled the edge of the desk fiercely, his voice tingling with ferocity "I'm looking for a soldier who was brought in here around yesterday, by the name Trowa Barton"
The woman at the desk looked at him with wide eyes, shocked and alarmed by the sudden outburst.
"Didn't you hear me?! Trowa Barton!" Duo screamed again, banging his fist down in front of her repeatedly until Wufei caught hold of his wrist.
"Well? What are you waiting for woman?!" Wufei yelled at the receptionist "Tell us where he is!"
"Y…yes sir!" She hastily typed away at her computer, then, in a shaky voice, she said "We have one patient here name Trowa, he's currently in an intensive care unit"
"Intensive care?!" Duo exclaimed, hope rising rapidly in his heart "He's not dead then?!" He asked, leaning over the desk at the poor receptionist.
"N…not from what I can see from here…" She stuttered.
"Oh my God!" Duo turned to his companions, unable to express his relief, he just kept repeating "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my…"
"So where is the intensive care unit?" asked Heero.
"Third floor, room 303"
"Thank you" said Heero, and they pushed their way out of the surrounding crowd and made a beeline for the elevators.
"Oh my God!" Duo still couldn't stop saying that repetitively, smiling rather stupidly.
Wufei and Heero exchanged a look, neither were as prepared to give into relief as easily as Duo was. Even though Trowa was still alive, it didn't automatically signify that things were all right all of a sudden. There was still no promise that Trowa was going to survive.
* * *
So cold…
Quatre shivered, and he wrapped his arms around himself, but that just made him feel colder still. He sat hunched over in a small, metal chair within that small, chilling room.
He wasn't alone, but he had never felt so lonely and lost in his life, as if part of him had died. His heart ached so much it had become numb, and no tears could fall from his eyes as they were frozen within his soul.
Trowa….Silence surrounded him in an icy blanket, he closed his eyes…Trowa…
It didn't matter that he had only been in that room for less than 24 hours, it felt like an eternity already, he felt as if he was watching a little bit of his life slip away with every passing moment.
In some sense, he wished it would end soon.
Trowa…
Suddenly, the silence was broken.
"Trowa! Quatre!"
* * *
Though he didn't know what they'd find when they reached the room they had been directed to, Heero was sure it wouldn't be anything pleasant, and his prediction was realized as soon as the door to that room was opened.
"Quatre?" He heard Duo's voice call out "Trowa! Quatre!"
Slowly, the blond figure lifted his gaze, his eyes filled with dull pain. Quatre said nothing, but that look showed sorrow that no words could possibly describe.
"Oh…Quatre…" Duo whispered as he approached his friend, Heero could tell Duo was trying to come up with something comforting to say, but was failing miserably.
He shifted his gaze to the rusty hospital bed beside which Quatre was sitting, and even he couldn't help his heart from aching at the sight that met his eyes.
Oh Trowa...
Countless images flashed through his mind, images from when he had no memory, from when he was a completely different person…
Flute tunes at midnight, those piercing yet soothing green eyes, the soft, calm voice that he had been so drawn to in the first few weeks of contracting amnesia…Heero had not forgotten that feeling, and no matter what his feelings are now, the things he felt for Trowa back then were definitely real. Real enough to hurt…
Trowa…
Although the bed was by no means large, the figure in it seemed so terribly small and fragile. The thin bed covers were only pulled up to just above his waist, and the blood-stained bandages which covered his chest were painfully visible. The extra-long lock of brown hair hung limply over the side of his face, his complexion so pale it was practically the same shade as the hospital linen that surrounded him. There were countless numbers of tubes and needles attaching him to various machines around the room, and his nose and mouth were covered by an oxygen mask.
How could this have happened? To Trowa?!
"I can't believe this…" Duo said in a tortured voice "They…the enemy must possess weapons more powerful than we could've ever imagined to have done this to Trowa!"
"That's not true" Quatre's voice was so low it was barely audible "The enemy is weaker that I had ever thought"
"What?" asked Wufei, frowning "What are you saying? How…"
"Duo you really think," Quatre cut in, a hint of anger in his voice "that anyone, anyone at all, could've done this to Trowa if he had been in his Mobile Suit? Or any mobile suit for that matter! This is Trowa! No one could've done that!"
Had that statement had been made under playful, or at least relaxed situations, any of the three other pilots would've jumped in at this point to defend their pride, but obviously that wasn't the first thing on their mind right then. What Quatre had said made complete sense, their enemy wasn't nearly that strong.
"So what happened?" Wufei asked, both impatient and frustrated "How did it get like this?"
Quatre didn't reply, he shifted his gaze back to Trowa, twisting a corner of the bed sheet.
"Quatre?" Duo tried "What happened? Can you tell us that please?"
"I…" The blond cringed slightly "I don't even know…"
"What?" Duo exclaimed "How could that be?!"
"I mean…I know what happened, but…I still can't understand how…and why it had to happen…I'm so useless…"
"That's not true Quatre"
"Yes it is! I'm a soldier! And I can't even protect anyone! What else am I good for?!"
"It's not as if this is any of your fault!"
"But I should've been there!" Quatre exclaimed, he reached out and grabbed one of Duo's wrists, gazing up at him with desperate, tear-filled eyes "I should've been there to protect him!"
"What happened Quatre?" Duo asked again, growing more confused and worried with each passing moment "Tell us!"
"Trowa… was shot" He finally answered.
"What?!" Duo cried "How is that possible?! Trowa's more than able to protect himself from something like that! What could…"
He abruptly stopped himself when he noticed the growing anguish on Quatre's face. "Sorry…" He whispered.
"You think I didn't know that?" The question came in a hoarse whisper as Quatre's hands loosened their grasp, and slid into his lap "Or else I never would've even thought of leaving him on his own! But how could I have guessed that those sore-excuses for soldiers would stoop so low as to…as to try and attack him!"
"They attacked?!" Wufei asked sharply "How? How could they possibly got past your lines of defense? Wouldn't you have noticed long before they had a chance to attack?"
"They didn't use mobile suits" Quatre shook his head miserably "They couldn't beat us in mobile suits…so…" He gritted his teeth "they chose to attack the pilots instead…"
The three other boys in the room glanced at each other, beginning to understand.
"I think they were planning to sneak into our quarters somehow, maybe after we were asleep…but then…but then Trowa said he wanted going outside for a while, and I said I was too tired, so he went by himself…and…he must've stumbled upon them somehow…and…and they…" His fists clenched "Dammit! I should've gone with him!"
"You couldn't have helped it…"
"Stop saying that Duo! Don't you get it? I didn't sense anything when he walked out, I didn't sense anything! Isn't that the only thing I'm suppose to be good for? You say that I have the 'heart of outer space' and I couldn't sense anything when someone that close to me was in danger! I couldn't feel it! I didn't feel anything until I heard the gunshot…and by then…" He buried his face in his hands, the tears finally starting to flow, his body shook as he tried to muffle and hold back his sobs.
Duo knelt down and placed an arm around Quatre's trembling shoulders, he glanced up briefly at Heero's face, and was startled when he found those intense Prussian blue eyes looking right back at him. Heero's expression seemed mixed and hard to read, Duo didn't quite know what to make of it.
After a moment of silence, Quatre's sobs subsided somewhat, and Duo tentatively asked "So…after that, did they try to hurt you?"
Quatre slowly shook his head "I think Trowa's appearance shocked them or something, but he was alone, so…they tried to kill him…when I ran out there, they all seemed so panicked… they were all so fuckin' useless!" He cursed angrily "If it weren't for the fact there were so many of them…there's no way they could've laid a finger on Trowa"
"How many of them were there?"
"I don't know" He shook his head again "But at least four or five…I didn't get to count…"
"So…they got away?"
"They were panicked…and that's what cowards do, right? The only thing they know how to do? Run away?"
"Damn those bastards!" Wufei, who had held his silence till then, suddenly cut in with the outburst, "Is that all they're capable of doing? Attacking their enemy only when they're off-guard? That just shows you how weak and spineless they are! They have no right to call themselves soldiers!"
His tone was so full of fury, Heero couldn't help turning to looking at him. This was perhaps the first time he had seen Wufei so angry. Not just anger that came from irritation or annoyance, but real, fiery rage. It burned so intensely within him, that one could almost see the flames in his eyes. Perhaps it was because he saw this as injustice to the extreme, or perhaps…
Or perhaps…
Trowa's words again echoed in Heero's mind…
"Underneath it all…they do care…"
He traced a finger over his chest, circling the spot where he could feel his heartbeat.
"Follow you heart…the only way to live is to follow your emotions…"
Yes…that was it…that was what I had taught him…the only piece of advice I had ever given to anyone…
Now I don't even know how to follow it…
His gaze wandered over the occupants of the tiny, depressing room.
Over Trowa, barely recognizable, his life hanging in the balance, victimized by the one thing he should never have been subjected to…
"We truly do care…it's the closest thing to a family that we've got…"
Whether or not he realizes it, what Trowa had said is true… it's so evident…just by looking at them now, it's so easy to tell how they feel…it's time the masks were taken off…
Over Quatre, his tear-stained face, his trembling body, expressions of grief, sorrow and regret, his heart deprived of hope and belief…
"To know when you've found someone, the one who gives you a sense of comfort, the feeling of security, one whom you know you can trust…"
Does there within this finding, lie the risk and wound of farewell?
Over Wufei, burning with anger, clenched fists, the self-proclaimed decider of justice, yet somewhere deep within him, it could be sensed, he never believed there was such a thing…
"Don't waste your chance… don't end up the way I did, don't wait until it's too late, find out while you can… you can't afford to waste time, because that's one thing no one has a grasp on…"
No one wants to have any regrets…but can we honestly say we have control over whether or not we will have any?
Over Duo…gazing right back at him, his eyes reflected the very image of Heero himself…
And my own words? The one thing I had held my pride to all this time?
I can't even be certain of myself anymore…
Duo's eyes lowered, and avoided Heero's gaze. Was he intimidated? Heero couldn't tell.
I have found my heart…I was so sure of it when I said it… "Duo, I think I love you"…I can say it over and over again without feeling any doubt or hesitation…
…but what is the use of saying it only to myself?
He turned his head towards the window, and noticed in mild surprise that it had started to rain. Hard.
A storm? Yes, I heard that distant thunder…is this the same storm?
That seems so long ago…yet it's only been a couple of hours at most…what else had happened before I left?
Oh…
Another voice, a female one, entered his mind:
"You were still Heero Yuy! Memory or not! Your instincts were still your instincts and your feelings were still that of your own!"
He glanced back at Duo again.
Maybe that's it…maybe I had never really listened to my own advice as well as I thought I did… I followed my emotions in battle, I always knew what path was right for me once I step out onto the battlefield, who my enemies were, and how they should be eliminated…
Heero Yuy, they call me perfect soldier. No hesitations in his tasks on hand, no confusion as to which road he should take…
But my feelings? Are they so confined to war and bloodshed? There's more to me than that…
Amnesia…was it a way of telling me? Without my memory, I was not a soldier, I was not 'perfect'. I made mistakes of judgment so many times, I had felt lost, and confused, I had felt loneliness and misery…but I had also felt genuine happiness, I felt loved and needed…
Heck! I actually felt!
Follow my emotions…but to follow them I had to know them…
For so long I have been without…I have been confined to the few military instincts which I thought were all there is to my heart…
But I've found them.
I know now, I have found them..
But to follow them?
Finding the road was tough, but by no means is following it any easier…
Duo?
Can you tell me? Can you tell me what I should do?
Can you give me the instructions? I have always been so good at listening instructions and obeying orders, can you direct me now? Can you lead me? Can you set me the rules of this mission so all I have to do is perform as I am told?
I don't want to waste my chance, nothing can be certain, especially for people like us…Trowa, Quatre…as much as I want to pretend like this was just something we have to accept…I am no longer capable of doing that now…
Do you remember, once upon a time, when we had first met? You told me to "stop pretending to be human"…why couldn't you have just left it at that? Just let me keep on pretending…
No, you had to come through to me! You have to come through and actually make me human! I have weaknesses now. As I watch Trowa's suffering, as I witness Quatre's agony…
It hurts me Duo, why did you have to let me know that? Why couldn't you just let me believe that the only time one feels pain is when their bodies are being torn to shreds? The aching within…the pain that comes without blood, bruise or injury…it's so much worse…
I don't want to regret anything…
I don't want to live and die repenting…
Do you understand that?
Duo?
He couldn't hold his place in that room any longer, and Heero hastily made his way to the door. He couldn't stay, the atmosphere was chocking him. His own thoughts were pushing him to the brink of a breakdown.
The path to the exist was narrow, and he couldn't avoid brushing past Duo on the way. Upon contact, he stopped. He didn't do it by choice, but it was as if there was some incredible, yet undistinguishable force that held him to the spot. He glanced backwards briefly, and his line of vision came locked to that of Duo's once again.
Duo's mouth moved a little, and although no sound came out, Heero could read clearly that what he had wanted to say was Heero's name.
"I'm guessing you're the type of person who can tell what someone is saying just by reading their lips right?"
…
His vision blurred all of a sudden, he couldn't take been in there any longer. Before Duo had a chance to try to say anything else, Heero had already stepped out of the room and closed the door behind him.
A/N: English is not my second language either…
*ANYWAY* This fic is ONE years old today!! Eep! I can't believe it's taken me THIS long to get this point! And to think I was planning to finish it before Uni started this year! (ie, March), as you can see I am *slightly* behind schedule…
So, if you are planning to take your time to review this fic, please leave a little note wishing it a "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" (^^)
Oh, I have started a new fic, titled "A Time For Us", pairing 2x5x2. Just in case you care.
I'm not making any deadlines for myself in relations to updates, not just yet. Uni is a killer right now.
*Sigh* Drink Coffee, listen to Seki Toshihiko sing "Kitto Ok!" and remember to go to bed at a reasonable hour!!
That's pretty much all from me for now! See you next chapter! (Of this fic or any other fic of mine you choose to read ^^)
BaiBai!