CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
He was so exhausted.
As Duo stepped out of the doctor's office, he felt as if he would just collapse right there and then. Even the door seemed so impossibly heavy, it took practically everything out of him to get it shut.
I…need sleep…
The thought passed through his mind in a haze as he walked shakily in the direction back to Trowa's hospital room. It was true, it's been so long since he's had any sleep, he couldn't even keep count anymore…ever since Heero's memory recovered, Duo's hours of shuteye have reduced drastically.
But that wasn't the only problem. He knew he needed rest, but he couldn't. It wasn't as if he didn't want to, he simply could not do it. It wasn't really his body that was drained to the point of breakdown, it was his mentality.
My head feels like it's gonna explode…
Hell, just explode already and get it over with!
He stopped at the door of his destination, and he stared down at the knob as if it was some strange new tool he didn't know how to use. The words of the doctor he had just spoken to echoed through his aching head.
"He was very lucky…two shots to the chest at medium range and neither got his heart, but the damage to his internal organs is extremely serious…the bullets have been removed, and the internal bleeding has been stopped, but the harm done was terribly severe…"
"Are you saying he's going to die?"
"We've done all we can, the rest is up to him…he has to fight if there's any hope of survival…"
Duo could feel the veins throbbing in his head, his fatigue only overcome by his fury.
Fight? They're telling him to fight?! Fight for his life?!
He has always hated doctors, and now he was reminded all over again why this detestation existed. The hapless, weak lot of them! They're telling a soldier to fight for his life. Do they even think of what he was fighting for that placed him into this predicament?! Trowa…all of us…we put our lives on the line again and again to keep that desperate hold on what little trace of peace there is! That's the fight we have to face!
Now…now that we've turned to you…and that's all you're able to do? To tell him to keep fighting? This should not be his battle! His job is done! It's your turn to fight for him now! Why do you all have to be so useless! Pathetic! Useless! Pitiable wretches!!
A sound from the other side of the door brought his thoughts to a hold, and he recognized it to be Quatre's voice, although it's become so low and hoarse people who didn't know him well would've had a hard time telling.
"…am I cursed? Wufei? Is that it? Is that why it keeps happening to me?"
"Stop thinking that way" Wufei's voice sounded just as tired as Duo felt.
"I can't think of anything else…I've been trying…I just can't…"
"Why?"
"I didn't feel anything…I couldn't save him…I couldn't save anyone…"
"That's not true…"
"I watched them die…I watched my father and sister die…I…the only thing I could do was watch…the only thing…"
Duo wasn't sure if Quatre could even hear Wufei at all, he sounded as if he was either sleep talking or in hypnosis, not really directed at anyone or anything in particular.
"Is this some sort of punishment?" Quatre went on, still monotonous "Is this punishment for my betrayal of my pacifist family and becoming a soldier? Why must it be like this…why can't it just be me who has to be sacrificed…why? Why does it have to be this way…? Why…"
"Listen to me" Wufei's voice regained some of its edginess "It's not punishment; there's no justice in this. There never is any in war. I had to be the helpless bystander as I watched my own wife die… I could do nothing... and when my entire clan made the ultimate sacrifice…made it for me…what was there that I could do to prevent it?"
A long silence followed, and Duo was debating whether or not to enter when Quatre suddenly spoke again.
"I'm tired"
Quatre…
The tone of his voice portrayed that statement more clearly than the actual words did. He sounded like he was just about to pass out, running out of both breath and strength.
"I'm so tired…we just keep walking this road…this path paved with blood…and we keep falling over…over and over and over…it doesn't matter how many times we pick ourselves up …we're just going to keep falling…"
Duo bit his lower lip…falling…the feeling's all too familiar…
"I don't want this…I hate this…I hate having to stumble over all the time…I want…to just be able to stand up, and stay standing…I don't want to keep going…I don't…"
His voice finally faded into nothing, and Wufei didn't try to reply. Duo backed away from the door, he couldn't go back into the room, not right now. He couldn't face Quatre, or Wufei, or Trowa…
He wanted Heero.
He wanted him so badly…
He couldn't help but picture himself in Quatre's situation, something he had been trying desperately to avoid since hearing the shattering news…he didn't want to imagine what it'd be like for him if Heero was the one dying…would it be even worse? So many things were left hanging…
No! I'm not going to think like this! Heero's not going to die! He's not!
He pressed his back against the wall and shut his eyes, he could tell that he was on the verge of tears again, and cursed himself.
Why?! This is not like me! This is so not what I am…
Or…was…
He had no choice but to admit, to himself at least, that he hasn't been what he originally thought was 'him' for a long time already. A part of him even wanted to succumb to those tears, to just let loose what he was keeping inside him, it was eating him alive. He didn't want to hold it in…
He didn't want that…
But he was also so clear on what it was he did want just then…
And it always has to be something I can't have…
Keeping one hand on the wall for support, he slowly made his way down the rest of the length of that hallway, staggering a little as he did so. He wasn't even sure where he intended to head, but knew that he just had to get as far away from that room as his conscience would allow him.
The wall ended unexpectedly, and he nearly stumbled over before realizing he had reached a corner. Turning to his left he saw that the corridor led to where the elevator was, and to his right he saw…
Heero!
It really shouldn't have been such a shock to see him there, after all, even if it was solitude Heero was seeking right now, it wasn't like him to be that far away from where he may be needed. But Duo still couldn't help an astonished gasp from escaping at seeing him seated on that bench just around the corner, hands clasped on his knees.
Maybe Heero heard him, or maybe he just sensed someone was watching, because before Duo had time to retreat, Heero looked up at him. And instead of the awkward period of silence Duo was dreading, Heero didn't hesitate a second before uttering a short greeting.
"Hey"
Despite still being in shock, Duo heard himself responding, though in much-broken syntax.
"You …I thought…gone…not here…did you…I…Hey…?"
Heero didn't seem like he noticed the terrible stuttering, he slid over slightly towards one side of the bench, a silent gesture for Duo to approach.
Heart pounding wildly, Duo did as he was bid to do, and took a place beside the person who had been at the centre of his thoughts for the past few hours.
Or much, much longer…
There was a window situated on the opposite wall, directly across from that bench, for a while, all that they did was watch, and listen to the sound of unceasing rain beat against the pane, sometimes softly, but more often intensely.
Did he want to talk to me or…?
Duo's unconscious question received an answer when Heero spoke up stiffly:
"Is he alright?"
He didn't look at Duo when he asked it, nor did Duo turn to face him.
"Trowa?"
"Un"
"What do you think?"
"I don't know…"
"How do you expect me to?"
"Hn…"
"They're not trying"
"Who?"
"Doctors"
"Oh…"
They fell back in to silence for a while longer, before it was broken again, this time by Duo. And he didn't care if his chosen conversation topic was appropriate even.
"Last time I was in a place like this, I was waiting for you to wake up"
"Me?"
"We had a mission remember? We almost botched it and practically didn't make it out alive"
"We've had a lot of close calls in our missions"
"None of the other ones cost you your memory"
Heero tossed a sharp look at him, not missing the point.
"We…weren't in a hospital" was Heero's feeble response.
"Perhaps not…but the feeling's pretty much the same…except perhaps I had a higher expectation that you'd be okay"
"You weren't mistaken"
"But you didn't turn out okay"
"I…"
"You weren't the same…you weren't okay…"
"I…have recovered though"
Duo felt a pang in his chest as he murmured his next words "But I wished you'd stayed that way" He covered his eyes with his bandaged hand "I wish you never recovered!"
A horrible wave of guilt washed over him as the selfish desire left his lips, but it was undeniable now. He knew it was wrong to deprive Heero of what little past he had, he knew this wish came out of nothing but self-interest and went against almost everything he had said and believed when Heero was still in his time of amnesia, but he had to say it, it was the only way he could express what he was thinking in a single sentence.
"Really?"
Heero's voice was softer than anticipated, and not at all accusing or angry. Duo couldn't help but turn to meet his gaze. Again, in a startled realization, Duo saw those eyes hold an expression that he had thought he'd never see again. Genuine sentiment, true emotions…even the tiniest hint of warmth…Duo felt his breath quicken, the sensation of excitement rising within him…but the next word out of Heero killed it.
"Why?"
Totally killed it.
"Why?!" In a mixture of hurt and anger, Duo repeated the word with frightening force. "Why do you think?! Do you understand anything of how I'm feeling right now?!"
"…"
"Don't even try to claim you don't remember! I know you remember everything! Heero, can you just tell me what you're thinking? I'm so sick and tired of having to guess everything! I'm tired Heero! I can't handle this tension anymore! Not with everything that's happened, with everything that's happening, I'm too tired…"
I'm just too tired…
Too tired to keep chasing after you…too tired to keep running from you…too tired to keep trying to hide…too tired to act brave anymore…
Aren't you tired Heero? Not even you can hold up like this for this long…
Not even you…
Heero remained mute, and just sat there staring wordlessly at Duo while he raged on, every now and then his brow would crinkle ever so slightly, but no sound came from his throat.
Duo was ready to explode, right then and there he wanted to just let off his frustration by smothering Heero, or at least choke an answer out of him!
"Was what happened so wrong?!" The touchy subject couldn't be avoided any longer, he had to ask "Do you really want to pretend like nothing happened? Like it was just all a bad dream or something that you'd really rather forget about now that you've woken up? Do all those things that you said, that you thought, or did mean shit to you?! Would you be happier if you could lay claim all that happened back then was completely due to your health condition?!"
Question after question, one accusation followed by another, Duo wasn't sure if he really wanted answers, or if all he wanted to hear was a denial from Heero. No, his questions didn't need answers; all he was asking for from Heero was the confirmation that, indeed, not all was lost.
"I…" The other boy finally found his ability to speak again "I don't know…what are you trying to say?"
Wild-eyed with disbelief, Duo gripped both Heero's shoulders, trembling : "You still can't figure it out? After all this time you still feel nothing? One of our best friends is straying on the line between life and death and yet you feel no apprehension? Or at least any urgency to…to do anything?!"
To hold on…to hold on…just hold on!
Ask it direct and bite that bullet…or else you will never find resolution!
"Tell me Heero" Duo's hand slid from their hold "What do you see me as now? What am I to you?"
"What do I see…?"
"Do you feel nothing? Has it just gone back to the way it was before all this? Am I just nothing again?"
"No!" At long last Heero gave a reply, though still through shaky tones "That's not it at all! Everything's…different…"
"How's it different? What's changed? What am I to you?" Duo demanded again.
"You…" The answer Duo so anxiously waited for came only as a hushed, uncertain whisper "You're the best friend I've ever had…"
No! No! NO! NO!! NO!!!!!
"That's just bullshit and you know it Heero!" Duo sprang from his seat and towered over the object of his exasperation, "that's not what I meant, and you know it! Quit beating around the bush like that and answer me straight! Whatever the answer may be! Is there nothing else?! Don't you feel anything else?!"
"What else…can I say…?"
Bite the bullet.
"Do you think of me in the same way that you did when you had amnesia? Do you feel about me the same way I feel about you right now?"
"What…do you feel?"
He…really doesn't get it does he…?
What do I feel?
He's asking me what I feel?
I…
…I feel so tired…
…so numb…and tired…
Hopelessness and disappointment washed over him in an icy wave, he was suddenly very aware of gravity that was pulling him down, and his body felt so much heavier…his heart was sinking. He wanted to cry.
Again…
"Never mind" He choked out bitterly, shaking his head "Never mind! Just forget it…just forget everything I just said. Just forget that I ever said anything to you…if you're still questioning that…if you still can't figure it out, what's the point of anything anymore?"
Why did I even try? Why in the fuckin' hell did I even TRY?!
"Just forget I ever lived, okay?" Duo shut his eyes to barricade the tears he could feel forming "I wish I never knew you"
With those distressed, final words, Duo spun on his heel and headed towards the other end of the hallway, the direction that led him to the elevator.
I wish I never met you.
I wish I never loved you.
I wish I never…knew…
* * *
He could hear his footsteps fade as he walked further and further away, the strain was almost unbearable. Inside of him, something was screaming.
Call him back! You idiot! Call him back!
And yet he could not respond. It was such a simple command, but he couldn't respond or follow it.
So many questions ran through his mind, all those that Duo asked him, and even more that he was asking himself. Could it have been a mere coincidence that Duo shown up and demand to see his heart at the very same moment he was questioning it himself?
"What am I to you?"
I love you…
"Do you feel nothing else?"
Only that I love you…
"Do you feel about me the same way I do you?"
Yes…only much, much more …
He had known. He wasn't feeling lost or confused anymore, the only thing left for it was to say it. Pain? Fear? Sorrow? It could be so easy to let all of that go. It wasn't like he didn't know what was in stall for him should he chose to take that action. The happiness he had felt during those months with Duo was perhaps the clearest thing he remembered of that period of time. And he had no doubt now…
He wanted it back…
But to get it back…
…It's so…
With a start, he realized…
It's so easy…! It was perhaps the simplest thing he ever had to do in order to get what he wanted. No bloodshed was needed, no obstacles apart from himself…to relieve his own pain, to free himself…
Duo!
With a gasp he stood up, and without pausing to think about it dashed down the hall in the same direction Duo had taken only moments earlier.
* * *
Fresh air!
Duo stumbled out of the Hospital and took in a desperate lungful of air. That whole place had been chocking him from the moment he entered it, but the last few moments had been plain suffocation. He needed to get out of there.
It was still raining, in fact it was coming down harder than it had been before, but Duo welcomed the downpour, it cooled the air and emptied the area surrounding the front steps. He needed to be alone.
A few steps forward, he was nearly out of the shelter of the ledges, and he could practically feel drops of water on his nose. He smiled.
"When you're in the rain, no one can tell if you're crying…"
Who was it that said that?
Doesn't really matter now…
One more step, and he drew a sharp breath as the cold rain beat down upon his body with little mercy. It was colder than he had expected, but that didn't bother him either.
"No one can tell if you're crying"
That was all he needed, even if only in silence, even if he was the only one who cared. He let go. He raised his vision towards to sky, allowing the rain to fall into his eyes and blend with tears before they had a chance to escape. Disguising the weakness he wished he didn't have to have.
Tears and rain mixed together as they ran down his cheeks, into his collar and down the length of his body. No longer able to tell which was which, where one ended, where the other begun…
…No one cares if you're crying…
Was it possible to drown in rain? Not at this rate of course…but is possible to will oneself into a trance? What did it really matter? People die everyday, every minute. He just wanted to be left alone.
Pathetic, yes…
But can I help it?
…
Then a sound penetrated his thoughts. It wasn't loud, or sharp, but so distinctive he could not ignore it.
"Duo!"
Oh my God…
He didn't move, hoping almost, that it was a figment of his imagination. Hallucination didn't seem so unlikely right now.
And I so do not want him to see like this right now…
"Duo, can you hear me?" The voice did not relent.
"I've heard all you had to say" Duo murmured, though he was pretty sure his voice wasn't going to travel far enough for Heero to pick it up.
"Listen to me" it could be sensed he was coming closer "It's true that I have remembered everything, and the fact that you know this means you must remember as well"
Duo remained transfixed, not knowing what he wanted.
"I remember that at some point, I had told you exactly what I had told you just then, that you are the best friend I ever had. And I never speak empty words, I meant them"
Duo bowed his head, what's his point? I never doubted that…but it's not what I was searching for him to say…
"And I also remember, the things I had said and felt after that time. Everything. Do you still recall? 'Best friend' was not the only thing I saw you as, and I doubt you wouldn't know what I'm referring to, since it's what you were asking of me just then"
Oh…
Duo's breath quickened, and he finally cast a glance backwards. He was picking up on what Heero was saying, but was afraid to believe it. So much so, he had to make sure it was even Heero doing the talking. The voice was the same, yet so foreign…speaking the words he was longing to hear and so afraid to miss…
Heero?
"Those things I said…the commitments I made…" Heero stepped forward into the rain, and though it immediately compromised his vision, didn't falter the sincerity in his tone "I meant them, Duo. Every word of it. I meant them. Don't ask if they were just merely out of consequence or influence…memory or not, my instincts were still my instincts and my feelings were that of my own. I said those things for a reason. I felt that way for a reason"
He closed the distance between them in one swift stride, and grabbed Duo by the shoulders, forcing him to face him, forcing their eyes to meet.
"And that reason was you" He said with steady pace "And it still is you"
Duo wasn't even sure if he was crying anymore, things are going so blurry: "What are you saying Heero?"
"Can't you tell? When I asked the same of you you never replied"
"But I…I don't know…nothing is sure anything, I can't tell anything…"
"Fool" Heero echoed Duo's tone from only a little while ago "You fool"
"Maybe I am but…"
He wasn't given a chance to finish, the trailing resistance cut off when he suddenly found Heero's lips pushing up against his own.
Heero!
In an automatic reflex, before he knew he was doing it, Duo felt himself responding to the kiss…even if it had been impossible to respond to his words, the physical act was, surprisingly, nowhere near as difficult.
After all, familiarity breeds skill.
All that needed to be said, all that needed to be confirmed or answered. This was it.
The most appropriate solution is always the simplest…
"…Just wild beat communication nanimo osorenaide
kanjiaeru tashika na ima dare ni mo ubaenai kara…"
*…Don't be afraid of anything. Because no one's going to take away our shared feelings of now …*
Perhaps there's truth in there after all…
It didn't matter they were still standing before the front steps of a hospital, it didn't matter they were soaked to the skin by the chilling rain…if it was only that moment they could hold on to, that's what they were going to do.
"Just wild beat communication ame ni utare nagara
iroasenai atsui omoi karada-juu de tsutaetai yo tonight!"
*…Just wild beat communication While being pounded by rain…*
*…I want to express this unfading passion with my entire body, tonight!...*
Can reality just wait one moment?
Duo's hands found their way into Heero's hair, his neck, his back…Fingers tracing over the familiar lines and contours of that body and features he's missed and longed for, for ever, ever so long.
Hold on to me…
Just keep holding on…
He smiled, a fleeting moment. Fantasy and reality was finally merging.
And he held on.
He didn't know how long the kiss lasted, a few seconds? A few minutes? An eternity? It didn't matter. All he knew when he pulled away was that Heero was smiling back at him. Heero was in his arms, and smiling at him.
"What do you say" He whispered "that it's time we go back to the dry lands?"
The response came in the form of a quick peck on the forehead, and the two of them turned to go back inside.
But inside, the real world is still waiting. One can't escape it for long. Fate just had the idea that their revelations had to happen during such a situation. One can never forget where they are, who they are or what their dispositions should be, no matter how blissful the moment may be.
One heartache may have just come to a close.
But another is only waiting to begin.
A/N: Hey, remember me?
Whew! Finally finished another one, how long is this gonna drag out for you ask? Well, I'm asking the same thing.
That was heck of a 'tiring' chapter eh? Kinda like how I'm feeling…exams suck…
I don't think I need to tell you what song those lyrics came from, but I feel I should credit the translation site: Anime Lyrics.com
I'm pretty sure most people don't remember that reference to "When you're in the rain, no one can tell if you're crying" quote…I think that was Chapter 12, but I'm not even that sure anymore…
As for that "Me no English" note in the last chapter…that's really just another way of saying "be nice in pointing out errors", can I use it again?
On totally unrelated basis, I'm probably gonna be removing one of my old fics "Admission" soon, if you want to have a last glance at my horrid earlier works…(although still precious to me, bad as it is, 'cos it was my first GW fic!)
See you next time, and wish me luck in my exams.
Bai!