CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
I hope this isn't a dream…
I hope I'm not hallucinating…
And even if I am…please just never let me wake up…
With his eyes still closed, Duo smiled and snuggled deeper into the embrace of Heero, who held him, breathing in the still-rain-soaked scent of his body.
Just give me this moment…
Just give us this moment…
His eyes opened slowly as he felt a gentle peck on his forehead. His breath quickened.
"Heero…"
The other boy's eyes were locked with his own, expressing what his voice still failed to show.
"Hard to believe, eh?"
After coming back inside, they realized that going out into the rain was hardly the wisest thing they could've done, getting soaked to the skin right then wasn't all that convenient a tactic. But then again, what's done is done. Fortunately, their clothes dried off relatively quickly, being designed to deal with situations unprecedented, but their hair didn't have it so easy. Heero's was still dripping down his face, and Duo had no choice but to let his out in a tangled, wavy disarray.
Right then the two of them were back on the bench where they had been sitting earlier, only in very different positions. Heero sat in the middle of the bench, and Duo lay on side with his head in Heero's lap, and his hair spreading out along the rest of the length of that bench.
They had taken a brief glance back into the situation in Trowa's room, but things looked pretty much the same as when they had left it, if anything, things were stable.
And in times like these, that was all they could really be hoping for.
Part of him still felt weird doing this; given the predicament they were in, Duo felt somewhat uneasy about being so happy. It was perhaps the most ironic thing that's ever entered his mind – all that effort made to act as if though he was happy when he was really walking a tightrope on the edge of a breakdown, and now, truly feeling the bliss yet also the need to conceal that happiness.
Just give me this moment…
This moment is all I need…
Heero's hand worked it's way through Duo's damp, tousled long hair, and with each stroke gained a little more sense of reality. It wasn't the dream-like pleasure he had envisioned when he had initially found what his heart wanted, nor was it the surreal kind of perfection he had felt when he and Duo first admitted their love that night so long ago.
This…This was real.
That was the only way he could think of it.
There was nothing beautiful about their surroundings, there was nothing romantic in the way their confessions had come, and he had no expectations of any fairy-tale endings and he wouldn't have even dared to use the word "forever".
But this – this moment – was real.
They hadn't spoken more than two sentences to each other since coming back inside, but that didn't matter. Heero didn't need words, because words meant nothing. Sure, he could make promises, but they'd be so empty, he didn't have any clue as to what hand of fate will be dealt to him next, why make promises if they're only going to be broken? What's the use of putting Duo through something like that again?
I can only promise to love you and protect you for as long as I am living…for as long as I am able…
His thoughts drifted to Quatre and Trowa; they had made promises to each other, and there's no way either of them would've ever dreamed about breaking those vows, but sometimes one has to question whether or not they even have the right to make those promises to begin with.
Trowa once gave his life to bring Quatre back to his senses; and now, had he been given the chance, Quatre would've given up his own life in an instant in exchange for Trowa's – but that's all redundant, it didn't matter what he was willing to do, because reality wouldn't let it be. Who's to say now that Trowa wouldn't want to protect Quatre? But how could he protect someone else when he's only hanging by a thin thread to his own life?
When it all comes down in the end, we are helpless in the face of such fate…
We can't control it…
Nothing is certain…
But this moment is real, and that's all I care about…
Just give me this moment…
* * *
Wufei was startled by a sudden sharp beeping from the laptop that was lying beside him. He was sitting in a very small, empty room located on the same level as that of Trowa's, which he managed to find after leaving Quatre there on his own. He didn't feel like his presence was doing anything to help them, if anything it just added to the depression in the air.
Must've drifted off somehow…he thought in amazement…I must be more tired than I thought if I could sleep at a time like this…he was somewhat displeased with himself.
Flipping open the laptop, he skimmed through the instructions which appeared on the screen.
"Hardly unexpected…" he murmured softly "And I'm sick of waiting anyway"
It's been almost three hours since they've arrived at the hospital, and he was feeling more frustrated and irritated by the moment. Not only did he have to deal with Quatre's trauma and despair, he also had to endure the tension that hung in the atmosphere whenever Heero and Duo were in the same piece of airspace at any point in time. Sympathy could only go so far and patience could only last so long; he was starting to feel like a time bomb just waiting for the chance to unleash havoc…it was getting too much, all this apprehension had to get let off somewhere.
Heero and Duo haven't reappeared since the former ran out of Trowa's room and the latter went after him; Wufei didn't want to think of what may be happening with them, it's been occupying his thoughts for way too much of the time lately, and right then that was definitely not the first thing he should be worried about; but he needed to find them.
It wasn't that he was unwilling to handle this mission alone, but by experience he knew it was not something he should attempt to handle alone – and he wasn't as stubborn as he once was.
Well…I know where Quatre is, but who knows what to expect of him?
Quatre was grief-stricken, yes, but that wasn't the only thing to be worried about. If he was to get into his Gundam like this…there's more than a slight chance his self-control would be non-existent.
Those two couldn't have gotten the message already since the laptop has been with me all this time, so they must still be somewhere in this hospital…
It was like a slap in the face.
Oh terrific, now I've got it narrowed down to one enormous hospital full of people, what the hell were we thinking? We're not meant to split up! Damn it!
With no time to waste on curses, he picked up the laptop and began his hunt.
* * *
"Heero?"
"Hn?"
"I'm so sorry…"
"…" Heero tensed.
"Don't be alarmed" Duo reassured quickly "it's nothing like that…it's just…I just can't stop thinking about…about how stupid I've been…"
"In what?"
"In everything! How we wasted so much time…and…and how I was so scared about trying to find what I wanted…I wish I wasn't such a coward…"
"And I wasn't?" Heero cut in "You can't shoulder all the blame, it was me doing the running away…"
"But I just feel like it was my fault you felt the need to do that…like even before you got your memory back, we…we were together and then…we…weren't…"
"Duo that was…"
"I know I know" Duo didn't give Heero a chance to finish "it was because Relena came into it and everything, but still…did you…did you feel like I wasn't…you know, handling it as well as I should…?"
"Umm…" Heero tried to remember what that had been like.
"I mean I tried my best not to act all jealous and…crazy in front of you, but I think I just made things worse like that…"
"Oh…" It came back to him "I didn't know what you were trying to do back then, but it was like…it felt as if you were just playing around, you know?"
"Playing?!" Duo exclaimed "you thought that?!"
"You didn't seem to care that I wasn't around so much of the time, you…set up dates for me, what was I suppose to think?" Heero reasoned.
"I just didn't want you to feel trapped"
"So instead you let me feel rejected"
"Well that's what I've been saying; I'm just a total idiot"
"Hn" Heero smiled faintly.
A short pause later, Duo spoke up again.
"Hey…Heero…" he began hesitantly "Can I ask you something?"
Heero nodded.
"I know this is probably totally irrelevant now but…" he didn't seem to know express his thoughts and Heero patiently waited for him to sort them out.
"How…okay you don't have to answer but…but how did you actually get your memory back?"
A look of mild surprise passed over Heero's face, he mulled over the question for a moment, he himself wasn't all that sure how it happened, but he knew very well what was happening when it happened and wasn't sure if Duo would appreciate the description.
Duo mistook Heero's hesitation for discomfort, and quickly added "You don't' have to answer, really! I was just…wondering…and…"
"No it's just…"
"Re…Relena told us she was trying to…to kiss you and…"
"Oh!" So he already knew.
"Yeah…and I was thinking…you know…we've…like, we've kissed heaps of times before that happened and…well, nothing happened, plus we tried all that other stuff and everything and nothing worked so…" Duo rambled on, his face growing red.
"It wasn't that"
"Huh?"
"It wasn't like that, it wasn't that simple" Heero said slowly "There was…a lot of factors, I wasn't even thinking about where I was or what I was doing, I mean, it was definitely very weird what she was doing, but it wasn't really that part I was thinking about…"
"Huh?!" Duo asked again, utterly puzzled "What else was there to think about?!"
"Do you remember that nightmare I kept having when we were sharing a room?"
"Of course…how could I forget?" Seeing you cry like that totally tore me apart, how could I possibly not remember?
"And remember that time I left the gas running and nearly killed myself?"
"Are you saying it felt like a near-death experience?" Duo raised an eyebrow – that seemed a bit harsh.
"No, no…that's part of what makes it so weird, during that, and in the nightmare I knew that I was going to die…"
"You didn't die Heero!"
"All right, I thought I was going to…but then I just didn't focus on that"
"You're confusing the heck out of me Heero!"
"What I'm trying to say is, all those times, I just kept feeling like I could almost reach out and…grab something...something in my past, and all these thoughts and images pass through my mind but they go by so fast I can't get hold of anything…then suddenly it'd just break off, and I'd…I would feel cold all over and eventually wake up, right back where I started"
"Oh…"
"But that time, it didn't break…there was no one there to get me out of it…and I…got through I guess…"
"So…" Duo bit his lip "maybe me being there all the time really wasn't such a good idea"
"That's not the point, and you know it"
"Yeah but…I just wish it didn't happen like that…"
"You had a plan?"
"No…I just…I sort of pictured that it'd be me who got you your memory back"
"Well…you wouldn't have liked dealing with me right at that moment"
Duo chuckled softly "would anybody have dared?"
"Hn" Heero looked away.
"You think you may've been able to handle things better?"
"What?"
"If it had been the other way round" Duo explained "If I had lost my memory, would you have…reacted any different?"
Heero thought about it for a moment and replied cautiously "That would've been a very different situation"
"Yeah, for starters, you wouldn't have cared" Duo said, though he obviously was just trying to tease Heero.
It worked "I would!"
"And Relena doesn't like me…"
"Could've been anyone else"
"So you're saying it would've been just as bad?"
"Umm…"
"And that you're probably just as big an idiot as me?"
"Oi!" Heero yelped "I never said you were! You were the one who kept…"
Half-laughing, Duo reached up and put an arm around his neck, pulling Heero's face towards his own. He kissed him before the sentence could be finished.
"I love you" Duo whispered as their lips parted "I love you Heero"
"I know…" the other boy tightened his embrace "I love you too"
He closed his eyes, and leant in for another kiss…
I love you…
I regret not telling you…
I regret all the time we wasted…
I regret all the needless pain we went through…
But now is not the time for regret…
Just give me this moment…
To tell you I love you…
To show you I love you…
And it's worth living just to know…
You feel the same way too…
…
Suddenly, their moment was broken by a sharp cry of desolation which echoed through the previously silent hall.
* * *
Wufei stopped dead in his tracks, his search for the two Gundam pilots on the lower levels had proven fruitless, and was only just running out of the elevator when he heard that terrifying and familiar sound.
"Quatre!"
Racing as fast as he could towards Trowa's room, he rounded a corner and almost crashed straight into the very two boys he had been searching for.
"Heero! Duo!"
Had it been any other time perhaps he would've interrogated into as of why they were both wet-looking, and what they have been doing all this time, but none of them had time to say anything else then.
They had only just reached Trowa's ward when a band of paramedics sped past them, wheeling a stretcher and shouting instructions to each other, the three boys could only watch them helplessly, not understanding what was going on, until they all disappeared into an operating room on the other end of the hall. The red light on top the door blinked on.
"What happened?!" Duo was the first to react "Quatre!"
They rushed into the room, which was now almost empty with the bed, and Trowa gone. Kneeling on the floor near the window was Quatre, his eyes glazed over and his arms wrapped desperately around himself.
"Quatre!" Duo ran over and knelt down beside him "What is it?! What happened to Trowa?!"
"Trowa…?" Quatre whispered the name like he didn't recognize it.
"I thought things were okay, I thought they said everything was stable!"
"Trowa!"
Suddenly, Quatre was on his feet, and without warning raced out of the room.
"Oi!" Wufei and Heero exclaimed at the same time as Quatre pushed violently past them "Oi! Quatre!"
When they caught up to him, he was already standing outside the operation room, banging both fists on the door and screaming Trowa's name.
"Oh my God!" Duo cried "Wufei! Heero! We have to stop him!"
"What the hell happened?!" Heero cursed through gritted teeth as he grabbed one of Quatre's arms and wrestled him away from the door, he had no Quatre could be this strong.
"Could we get some help here?!" Wufei, holding on to Quatre's other arm, roared down the hallway at anyone who may be able to hear.
A flurry of activity later, Quatre lay unconscious in Heero's arms, having been given a strong dose of tranquilizers through a shot on the arm. He was then put on a stretcher and carried back to Trowa's room.
"What is going on?!" Duo stopped one of the medics on the way "What happened to Trowa?"
"Are you a relative of his?"
"Does it matter?!" Duo never had such a strong urge to strangle someone "Tell me!"
"There was a sudden change in his condition" the medic said, somewhat intimidated. "He took a turn for the worse, and just then his heart failed"
"Wha…" Duo stumbled backwards, Heero quickly held on to his shoulder.
"Is he dead?"
"It was only momentary, he's undergoing emergency operations right now, that is all I can tell you, you'll have to speak to the doctors after it is over to find out more, I'm sorry" The man made a quick exit.
Duo hunched over and put a hand over his mouth, feeling as if he was going to be sick, while the other two boys could only stand there, wide eyed, facing one another.
Darkness had fallen
* * *
"Heero…"
"Yeah…?"
"If…if Trowa died…"
"Stop it Duo"
"I don't want to say this okay? But…but…"
"…?"
"If Trowa died…do you think that…Quatre's gonna…you know…"
"Go crazy again?"
"…yeah…"
"Yes"
Duo looked at him in surprise, he didn't think Heero would be so direct.
Heero sensed this: "you know what Trowa means to him…"
"But…"
"If you were there to see when Quatre first got into the Zero System…" Heero shook his head "I just…have a bad feeling…"
Duo sighed.
"We're here"
They had arrived back at the base where they had left their Gundams. Even with the crisis at the hospital they still had to carry out their mission, but they left Wufei back there just to make sure nothing was going to happen to Quatre, at least not then; as always they kept him on constant alert.
"Well Deathscythe" Duo took a deep breath as he looked at his Gundam "Looks like it's time again" He glanced over to Wing Zero and saw that Heero was already in the cockpit.
"Oi…Heero" He called out, suddenly feeling jittery and a little choked up.
"Hmm?"
"I…I'm scared Heero…"
"Wha…?!" A shocked gasp answered that statement.
"No really…I've never been so scared in my life"
"Because the enemy we're facing is…"
"No, no! It's not about that at all, you know this isn't the worst we've faced"
"Then…"
"I'm scared because…this is the only time in my life when I've felt that…I have everything I'll ever want…" Duo's eyes misted and he quickly looked away "And I'm just so…so unbelievably scared that I'm going to lose it all…'cos you know good things never last too long…" his voice broke off.
Suddenly, he found himself enfolded in Heero's embrace, and glanced up in astonishment wondering when he had made his way over.
"Wha…"
"I don't know what I can promise" Heero said softly "but I'm not going to let anything happen to you"
"You know it's not myself I'm worried about"
Heero didn't reply, but merely kissed him again quickly and returned to his own Gundam.
"Wait!" Duo exclaimed before the cockpit could be closed "Heero! Catch!"
The other boy only barely looked up in time to grab hold of the thing that Duo had thrown in his direction.
"I want you to keep that, as a good luck charm…"
Heero opened his palm, and there was the heart-wrenchingly familiar silver cross, the first gift that he had given Duo…how many times has it exchanged hands between them?
"I…gave this to you" He said.
"Yes, it's mine" Duo affirmed "That's why you have to give it back to me once this is all over"
"I…" Heero's eyes glistened, he understood.
"You have to promise okay?" Duo shouted, smiling through threatening tears "You have to promise to give it back to me! You can't let…anything happen to it, all right?"
And Heero nodded, more certain than ever.
"I promise"
A final glance at one another, and the two young soldiers reassumed their roles, and prepared themselves for battle.
*****
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A/N: I can't believe I updated!!! I'm hoping there are still people reading this…I mean you leave a fic in the dust for five months and…*ARGH!!!*
Yes! This fic is drawing to a close, very very soon…I'm so desperate to finish this 'cos I have not yet had ONE finished long multi-chapter fic yet! And I keep getting all these ideas for new fics (not GW though) which I keep wanting to write and then I run out of time etc etc …*sobs*
Next update will…probably be in July…and anyone who thinks that's a long time away, it's only two months! That's efficiency from me!^^;;;;
Sorry about the OOCness of Heero now…but he's getting so hard to get right! The guy's gone through so much, he'd have to change a little…
One last thing, I like Relena now, I had contemplated going back to edit out some of the bashing, but I was lazy…so, yeah, that's gonna be toned down a LOT from now on. Don't think I'll ever try a 1xR, but yeah…
Okay, that's all from me. See you in July…hopefully.
I'm hoping to finish this fic before it's 2nd birthday. Wish me luck!