Disclaimers: All characters, places and events are the sole property of the Tolkien Estate. I receive no money for this piece of fiction, only the satisfaction of writing about the land and peoples that he so beautifully depicted.
Warnings: Themes of a violent nature are depicted in this chapter, so be warned.
Title: Smoke and Mirrors Chapter 33/?
Author: Lovethosehobbits
Archive: Sure, just let me know where.
Smoke and Mirrors Chapter 33
Merry remained quiet as he rubbed the oil into Frodo's back, working the tension out of the tight muscles.
"You're so tense, Frodo," he said. No reply came from the ringbearer, except a small sigh. "You know, Saleth has shown me some exercises for your legs and arms. We can do those later today and gradually get your strength back so you can walk. We could even go outside. It's been quite beautiful...lots of sunshine and the flowers..."
"Merry"
"Hmmm?"
"You're stalling. You always stall when you have an unpleasant task to do." Frodo rolled over on his side and looked up at his cousin. He was startled by the look of dread and fear on Merry's face. "It's all right, Mer'," Frodo said softly. "Remember how you used to be able to tell me everything? Even when you were very small, you would run to me and climb into my lap, tears in your eyes, and let it all out." Frodo smiled and slowly sat up, the room lurched and Merry steadied him as he slowly settled against the headboard. Merry took the nightshirt and slowly pulled it down over Frodo's head, bringing his arms through, until Frodo was dressed once again.
"I think I am a bit too big to sit on your lap, cousin," Merry grinned shakily.
"I would hope you would never be too big or too old to talk to your old cousin Frodo," Frodo said. Blue eyes locked with hazel. Merry gulped.
"Maybe some tea, what do you say, old hobbit?"
"That would be grand," Frodo said smiling.
Merry got down from the large bed, put tea in two cups, removed the kettle from the fire and poured the water. He let the tea steep as he gazed out the window, apparently lost in thought. He added honey to the cups and brought the tray to the bed. After situating the tray between he and Frodo, he took his cup, stirring it slowly. His gaze was far away. Frodo watched him over the rim of his cup and thought,' that's what I look like. Lost in another world, a world of darkness.' He swallowed his tea with difficulty. Merry looked back at Frodo and their eyes met.
"It's very hard, isn't it, Frodo?"
"Yes, but it will get easier," Frodo said softly, praying it was true. He reached out and grasped Merry's hand, caressing it in small circles with his thumb. "Tell your favorite 'old' cousin what's on you mind, please Mer'", Frodo's voice shook.
"All right...where to begin. The worst nightmare usually comes back night after night. Each time it is so real, so vivid. I keep thinking that it will fade, the healers keep saying the dreams will fade," he looked desperately at Frodo, "they said they would go away with time. But they haven't." his eyes lost their luster and his voice quavered. "It starts with a black cloud of cold air surrounding me, like a dense fog. I am so cold; it seems to penetrate right to my bones. I am walking across an immense plain covered with dead bodies. The air is ripe with the fetid smell of the fallen. Most of the dead are orcs, but there are quite a few men among them as well. It's so dark; it's hard to tell where I am walking. I hear a screech, a Nazgul, circling the field." Frodo shuddered involuntarily. "His beast flies low over me, and I drop to the ground, a dread like I've never experienced renders me totally immobile. I struggle to bring myself to my knees and look up. He and his flying beast are hovering over King Theoden. The King's horse rears in terror and falls, crushing the King --- the King I have sworn my oath to, now lies beneath him." Merry's eyes are filled with tears, his hands and voice shaking, and his gaze is distant. Frodo's eyes are huge and he reaches out to capture Merry's hands in his.
"I'm here, Merry. It's all right," he whispered in concern. Merry takes a gulp of tea and tries to calm his breathing and the shaking in his hands. He takes a deep breath and turns to Frodo.
"I'm all right, but I need to finish now that I've started, Frodo."
"I understand," Frodo says and takes Merry's hands in his once more.
"The beast turns towards Eowyn, who stands alone on this huge field of death and fog. She has overcome the Dark Breath that has made the rest of us quail. She is so strong, appearing more like an avenging angel with light all about her. For a brief time, I am filled with hope at the sight of her. She challenges the Nazgul and begins to strike at him with her sword. He hisses and laughs at her saying 'I cannot be killed by the likes of you. I will rend your flesh and leave you to be devoured by the carrion of your world.' His voice chills my heart and I begin to feel the despair overwhelming my soul, once again.
Eowyn stands between the Nazgul and King Theoden's body. "Be gone, fell beast' she cries. She sweeps her sword in an arc, slicing the head from the beast the Nazgul sits astride. The flying beast falls to the ground.
The Nazgul climbs off the dead beast and moves towards her. She raises her shield but he strikes her down with his black mace, shattering the shield and her arm. Now he moves towards her to take her life. I can't seem to get my legs to move. I try to run--to run to her, but it is as if I am running through water or thick mud. Finally, I manage to pull myself to where the battle between the two is taking place. Eowyn lies dying on the ground. I can see him; I can see the specter of a once great King. He is pale and ghostly, his features and form long twisted into a hideous visage, and my breath catches in my throat. As he makes to deliver his final blow to Eowyn, I stab at the now visible leg. An ear-piercing screech rends the air, and yet it sounds somehow familiar to my ears. I am immediately plunged into a dark, cold void as I fall. I feel myself leaving my body, my arm is so cold and numb I cannot lift it. I fall to the ground; my eyes frozen open yet still seeing Eowyn and the Dark wraith in front of me. I am unable to move or even breath. Eowyn stabs up and through the Dark King's head and another screech breaks the darkness. He turns to me as he falls and..... and...." Merry swallowed convulsively.
Frodo touched him on the arm, his eyes filled with compassion. "Merry, it's all right, it is only a dream, it's all right," he said soothingly.
Merry turned to look at Frodo, his eyes haunted and his face ashen. "It is Pippin," he said in a bare whisper. "It is Pippin and he says...he says...'Merry? Why? I love you, Merry," and then he is gone. Merry was near hysterical now. "Oh Frodo...I killed my Pip!"
Frodo soothed, "No, Merry, it is only a dream" he said as he pulled the sobbing hobbit to him in a tight embrace. Frodo's tears flowed freely now as he rocked his quivering cousin back and forth.
"All my life I have sought to protect him, and then he dies at my own hands," Merry gasped.
"No, Merry, no. Pippin is alive and well because of your efforts," Frodo says, searching Merry's face. "If anyone is to be blamed, it would be me, Mer'. I should never have allowed you to follow me on this quest. All that you have suffered or will suffer is because I was selfish. I wanted you to be with me, to make me stronger," Frodo whispered.
"How dare you! How dare you, Frodo Baggins, for thinking so little of us!" Merry cried as he pushed his cousin away. Frodo recoiled, a stunned and anguished look on his face. "We came because we loved you. Nothing could have stopped us because you needed us with you. I, and Pip as well, have always looked up to you with a sort of awe, because you were the strong, smart one. We worshipped you, and still do, as our worldly older cousin; someone who always had all the answers to all the hard questions. We would have died to protect you because you are more than just our cousin; you are like a brother to us. Don't you know that by now?" Merry's eyes flashed at Frodo. Frodo's face softened and he embraced Merry tightly.
"I love you both so much. I would never have been able to live with myself if anything had happened to you," he sobbed.
"It was my fault Pip came along. He was too young. I should have sent him home where it was safe," Merry sighed.
"Listen to yourself," Frodo said angrily. "You give me a lecture about trying to keep you safe by not allowing you to come with me on the quest, and yet you are doing the same thing with Pip! Don't you know by now how he idolizes you like you once did me? He would never have left your side, Merry. You should see that by now. Because we all have such deep regard for each other, that is what carried us through the endless dark days and nights and formed the very heart of out fellowship."
"You're right, of course, Frodo. But still he was injured he..."
"Will survive and recover back to his old self because his is Pippin," smiled Frodo. "We all were wounded and have lost our innocence, but in some ways we are much stronger than we were before, wouldn't you agree?" Frodo asked.
"Yes. Yes, we are stronger, in some ways, than we were."
Frodo smiled sadly at Merry. "I never wanted any of this to happen, but it is done now and we can find consolation in knowing that we achieved many great things. We were needed and stood our ground defending the Shire, alongside the most noble of men, elves and dwarves. I feel that Pip appears in your dream because you felt guilty that you had, somehow, failed to protect him. Which is nonsense. Perhaps, it wouldn't hurt to talk to him about the dream and hear how he feels about it," Frodo said earnestly.
"Perhaps. Yes, I might tell Pip of the nightmare. It should be easier with the second telling, shouldn't it?" Merry raised his frightened eyes to lock with Frodo's.
Frodo smiled, " Yes, I think it shall be easier the second time." He hoped fervently that he was right. "If you have the dream again I also think you will be able to deal with it better, don't you?" he asked softly.
"I don't know, Frodo. But I do feel better now. It truly helped to talk this out with you and maybe I can carry some of that feeling with me when the nightmare comes again." He smiled widely. "I'll let you know, cousin."
Frodo smiled and sighed. "That must have been truly exhausting for you, telling your darkest thoughts to me, and all the emotions that it brought to light," he sighed looking equally exhausted for his part as listener.
"I am exhausted. How can such a thing be so tiring? But at the same time, I feel a peace inside that I have not felt for a very long time," Merry said quietly, rubbing his eyes.
At that moment Sam entered with a well-laden breakfast tray. "There's plenty here for all, Mr. Merry. Have a bite with us, won't you? My, your tea has gone cold, it has. I'll just fetch some more," Sam said, speaking more to himself than to anyone else. Merry smiled at Frodo, who smiled back. "How are you feelin, Mr. Frodo?" asked Sam.
"Famished, Sam. Absolutely famished," he said, his eyes twinkling.
Sam's face positively glowed at hearing this and he couldn't help smiling as he uncovered each small dish. "Mr. Frodo, you've made me right pleased sayin' that. I've brought a lot of different dishes to tempt your appetite, I have. But it warms my heart no end to see you hungry, once again, it does," he beamed at Frodo. Frodo couldn't help laughing at the look on Sam's face. The sweet sound of Frodo's laugh brought another blissful look from Sam, causing Merry to laugh as well. They all settled down to their meal and before long, empty dishes surrounded the ringbearer, Merry and Sam. Merry glanced at Frodo. Warm blue eyes locked on his, and they both shared an unabashed look of deep admiration and love.
To be continued…
And now for the wonderful reviewers:
Lindahoyland- Whew! I was afraid you would hate that last chapter. I am so glad you saw what I saw , that Frodo's torture and capture went WAY deeper than what we were shown. Not to worry, there is a happy ending in store; I am a notorious happy ending lover. Life is already full of unhappy things, this is the one place where I can decide what will happen, and I hate it when it turns out sad. So keep reading and reviewing, and thanks again .
Digitaldreamer- I was so bummed when you didn't have real Frodo and Aragorn dolls!! I'll keep looking and if I find them, I'll let you know. Thanks for your wonderful reviews and keep reading, it gets better.