It's my first fanfic but you MUST tell me if this thing sucks so that I can delete the story and save human kind. Bellatrix is probably OOC but that's what makes it funny anyway. Or at least I think so....

Disclaimer: Now seriously if I actually owned Harry Potter characters, names e.t.c do you think I would be here writing fanfics? I'm not native English so the text may contain some grammatical or other mistakes. If you find any please, point them out.

I would like to thank Sadistra for the coolest new title that she generously gave me when she could have used it to make her own story...

SADISTIC STARS AND FLUFFY BUNNIES

Chapter 1

Fluffy bunnies and cleaning ladies

Day 1 after our "escape"

Dear Diary,

It's really nice to be out of Azkaban at last, but it is equally difficult to persuade Rodolphus that he is not a pink, fluffy bunny any more. The others are as bad as my pitiful husband. Dolohov is in a weird state, which even I can't explain. He keeps walking around like that Muggle singer Britney Spears, but instead of singing her songs, he sings: "I feel pretty, oh so pretty...". I think Azkaban has really affected them. The rest of the Death Eaters are trying to remember how to count money by playing Monopoly. I have to leave right now because Rodolphus is going to eat my Master's photograph, which I always keep with me. (Bellatrix Lestrange runs to her husband Rodolphus Lestrange and kicks him while shouting "Bad boy! Leave the photo now or you will not have carrots for dinner!!!" Of course her husband obeys.)

Day 3 after our "escape"

Dear Diary,

I'm in a pretty bad mood. If I find that damned Dementor that gave me the so-called address of the Dark Lord, I'm going to strangle him with my bare hands. It's not that we didn't find the house; we found it, however it wasn't Pettigrew or Master that opened the door, but it was an old lady that could be as old as Hogwarts. We all stood there in shock until the old lady asked: "Are you the cleaning ladies?" Luckily, I took the matter in my hands before Rodolphus could say that he was a pink bunny and I said: "Yes exactly. We are from the company 'Dirt Eaters'. We came to make your house crystal clear." Complete disaster.

Day 15 after our "escape"

Dear Diary,

It's surprisingly nice here... You see we got rid of that old bat and we are still waiting for news from that Dementor when he finds Master's new address. You know, I've sent him an extremely "kind" letter asking why the hell Master wasn't there. The others are now in the kitchen cooking something they named "mashed potatoes and banana pie". They also dared to say that I would be the first to do the "honours" and try their creation. Heaven help me.

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Bellatrix woke up the next morning by a noise coming from her closet. She didn't open her eyes until she realised someone was inside the room. She woke up to see...

"Rodolphus!! What in Azkaban are you doing to my diary?!!" Bellatrix screamed and nearly fainted when she saw of what once was her beloved Master's photograph.

It was ripped and bitten and not much had remained of the person in the photo. She turned to Rodolphus who was currently finishing his breakfast, her diary...He had completely consumed it and he was now grinning stupidly at a furious Bellatrix that was breaking everything on her way and screaming like a lunatic at the same time.

"I don't expect that was yours, Bellatrix? It looked like it was the old lady's... But otherwise, it was delicious; you can try some if you want," said Rodolphus happily.

Bellatrix suddenly turned on her heels and scrutinised him as if trying to decide which would be the best way to kill him.

"I see you haven't eaten the whole photograph, Rodolphus. It wasn't as tasty as MY diary?" asked Bellatrix ironically who had finally disciplined herself and was waiting for an answer.

"Oops, that was your diary? Heh...heh... I didn't really mean to eat it...I mean I wanted to eat it...but if I knew it was yours...I wouldn't have dared...you-you know..." Rodolphus was getting paler and paler as he spoke.

"Yes I know," said Bellatrix, an evil smile spreading across her face as she had accomplished her goal--to scare Rodolphus out of his wits. "But you still haven't answered my first question. Why haven't you eaten MY photograph too? You just have licked it and bitten some parts of it, as I can see..." Bellatrix said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Oh, you see I started eating it," Rodolphus started saying freely, "but I didn't find it as tasty as the diary so...err...wait, you said your photograph?"

He anxiously took the photograph, dried it and reluctantly gave it to Bellatrix. She snatched it and tried to make out the face of her dear Master but the only thing she could see was a ripped and wet mass of something.

"Well?" Rodolphus had been watching her fearfully but he took a sigh of relief when Bellatrix smiled 'kindly' at him.

At least he thought her smile was kind. Bellatrix couldn't be happier when she told Rodolphus: "I will decide what your punishment will be later..." making his smile fade in a matter of seconds.

[I know this very small but it's only the first chapter and I 'm planning to put up bigger chapters if there is actually anyone who reviews this thing...I promise I will try harder to write better and funnier chapters]