The Superfluous Snape Family
Everybody in the magical world had heard of the Snapes. There was Servilius Snape, who'd campaigned in the 1500's for the use of Muggles as pets; Serpentina Snape, the first female to hex a whole town; Sartorius Snape, the noted poet, famed for his "Ode to ye Dead Muggle a'swingin from yon tree" and Sulpicius Snape, the inventor of the Collapsible Cauldron. As the centuries went by, it seemed that less and less Snapes were being born, and when they were, they didn't quite live up to the deeds of their illustrious ancestors. Nobody seemed to notice, however, but them. Then, in the beginnings of the 20th muggle century, a new set of Snapes took to the stage. This is where our narrative begins. Yorkshire, England, was a wild and windswept place, full of the famous haunted moors of Victorian literature and castles of medieval lore and legend. On one such stretch of moorland was a tiny hamlet called Snape Village. At the edge of this village stood Snape Castle, with its tall decaying towers and crumbling walls. Built on the side of the castle like an afterthought was a manor house, a rather monstrous looking Tudor-style edifice, crowned with ivy and windows. Inside lived the Snape family. A more extraordinary family would be hard to find. The head of the household, Silurius Snape, was old, cantankerous, and much addicted to shouting. He shouted at his wife, his children, the house elves, and anybody else who happened to be near him. In short, he adored shouting. He also had a connoisseurs addiction to pornography. He liked nothing more than to shout himself hoarse and curl up with a manuscript of illuminated nudes and salivate over the delicious examples of medieval voluptuousness portrayed. He considered this his due, having to deal with cranky children and an emotionally distant wife. His wife, in contrast, was only emotionally distant because she was convinced he hated her. Willow Thomas Snape had been the catch of the Yorkshire Dales in her time, and had been snapped up by Silurius during a quick game of Quidditch one afternoon. She was highly impressed with his skill as a beater, and he in turn impressed with her looks. They married six months later. For their first anniversary, Willow presented Silurius with a gift: a baby boy. Little Severus, as they called him, bore a marked resemblance to his father and was pale like his mother. Willow loved her baby; it gave her something to do when her husband wasn't home. She adored caring for him, and little Severus, in turn, loved her right back. Silurius saw this outpouring of love from his son as weak and unmanly, and began to mistreat his wife. He considered it her fault for turning his son into a whiny little git' and never quite forgave her. Severus grew up insecure, and after graduating from Hogwarts, became mixed up with the ever-present Lord Voldemort. His father, however, approved of that. As Severus began to untangle himself from the hold of the Dark Lord, his mother, whom all had considered barren after his birth, had another baby. It was a girl. The baby was given the name of Jocelyn. Nobody could figure out why, since most Snape children had a name beginning with s'. Perhaps because she simply didn't look like a Snape. She had blue-violet eyes and brown hair, and as she grew older, it was apparent she had bad eyesight. This was inexcusable in a Snape...what type of Snape was she? Silurius had the rather nasty thought that perhaps the baby wasn't his. After all, he did spend long days away from home. What would stop his wife from a little fling? Silurius, then, secure in his convictions, spent the rest of his days disliking his daughter. His daughter, incidentally, didn't think much of him as a father. In the meantime, Severus had met a rather lovely young lady, and to the astonishment of his father had married her. Silurius did not like the new Mrs. Snape. She was too young, too delicate, and somewhat naive. In the midst of ignoring his children and despising his daughter-in-law, he found himself once again a father. The third one, as he called the baby, was a girl. They called her Saffron Snape, who had black hair and eyes and the Snape disposition. Saffron held the dubious distinction of being Severus's favorite sister, the two seemed to agree on almost everything. When Saffron was a toddler, Severus's wife died in childbirth. Thus leaving him a single father to one Aspen Snape. Severus took this hard, but his father was pleased to be rid of the twit. Silurius's next daughter was born the same year as Severus's daughter. One Sherwood Valentine Snape, Sherwood would grow up to be mouthy and obnoxious. She was a constant headache to her father and brother, and this suited her just fine. She had unruly dark hair and dark blue eyes. Next came the adorable Serenity Snape, she had the customary black hair of a Snape, and beautiful sky blue eyes. Her mum named her Serenity, because she'd looked so sweet. After this, the Snape children all thought their mum and dad were through trying to reproduce. In all truth, their parents had thought so as well. Until Willow had gotten pregnant again. Six years after Serenity's birth, the birth of one Salaxius Thatcher Snape caught everyone off guard. The way things were going, everyone had expected him to be another girl. He had dark black hair and eyes so dark blue, they looked almost black. He would grow to hate his name of Salaxius, and only answered to Thatcher.1.