A/N: Needed to take a small humorous departure from the seriousness of much of my recent fanfiction. I know I will no doubt somehow offend people with this, as it is utterly-un-p.c., but I hope you enjoy it anyway!
Less Than Sober
By Cradlerobber Speedo-kun
It was another typically beautiful day at Degrassi High. The sun shone, birds chirped, and somewhere in the school, an upset shriek cut through the air, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANT TO BREAK UP?!" Sean Cameron looked at the speaker, his now ex-girlfriend Amy, in confusion, "Wait a minute, you're supposed to be the one who dumps me, not me dumping you!" Amy blinked, "Oh. Oh, yeah... Ok." But then she narrowed her eyes suspiciously, "But you don't seem very upset by it."
"That's 'cause I want Jay--- err, I mean, Ellie. Err, yeah, she's changed her name. She's J. El now... 'cause, um, she wants to make a name for herself in... the haunted house industry! She's gonna open one up in Degrassi, but she didn't want the school knowing, so she came up with a stage name! Cool huh?"
"Oh, yeah, makes sense. She is a vampire afterall."
"Right."
"Ok, well, then I need to go start boozing out, 'cause this really upsets me even though I dumped you."
"Ok. I'll not notice the change in you in the slightest, along with everyone else. We'll just let you drink yourself into a coma, while we party and I make out with Ellie."
"Cool! Works well for me!"
But, then, Ellie, vampire mistress of the dark underworld appeared! "Sean, I can't go out with you, I'm with Paige already. She already saved me from myself, I don't need you now! I don't even cut any more. Instead, I bite Paige's neck. She has a better neck than you. And she doesn't remind me of my mother 'cause she doesn't drink."
Sean looked at her, confusion evident on his face, "But... isn't Paige with Spinner?" Ellie shook her head, "No, Spinner is with Marco."
"Wait... Spinner's a homophobe! And Marco is with Dylan!"
"No, Dylan is with Tom. And do you really believe Spinner is a homophobe after that whole 'Straight Eye for the Queer Guy' thing? Geez..."
"But Tom's supposed to be the gay friend of Dylan who is so obviously gay you'd have to be blind not to see that, and as such he's supposed to never actually get Dylan but instead get written as an insanely jealous bitch who could do with a gender change!"
"Yeah, well... well, I don't write the script! Geez." And with that, Ellie, vampire mistress of the underworld (1) stormed off. Out of nowhere, Paige appeared, and as the two vanished down the hallway they started necking happily ever after.
Sean turned to his ex-girlfriend Amy, "Well... uhh, I guess we can go out with each other again." She shook a half-empty bottle of vodka at him and tripped on her own feet, "NU-UH! Then I don't have a reashon to be DRUNK! And after a long time, I will go into a coma, and wake up to realize that I truly love ALEX!"
"But Alex is with Jay!"
"Not for long!" She yelled back, dropping the vodka bottle. It clattered on the floor, but strangely, did not break. Amy leaned over and attempted to pick it up, missed a few times, and finally got it and stood up again. She staggered for a moment as the blood rushed to her head, before re-gaining stability with the help of a few friendly, talking lockers. She grinned, "Hey, the lockersh are talking!"
"No they aren't."
"YEAH THEY ARE! Why should I trusht a drinking, shtinking, thieving delinquent like you, anyway?"
"You're the one whose drunk. And that describes all of us in Jay's gang. Except for Towerz. But that's because he only has one line in all of season three! And the government cuts our funding if we portray a black person negatively." (2)
"Yeah... I'm not black... sho I can be a drinking, shtinking, thieving delinquent! WOO!" She flailed her arms, accidentally smashed the vodka bottle against the lockers. Mr. Radditch suddenly appeared, "I will have none of this ruckus in my hallways! Get rid of all that glass! Don't you know glass bottles aren't allowed in schools?" He shook his head, tsk'ing as he did so, "HUH! Children these days!" With this he sailed back into his office to use the stash of LSD he had confiscated from students... err, we mean, examine it... yeah...
"Wait... so who do I get to be with?" Sean said, looking suddenly disappointed as he handed Amy another bottle of vodka. She seized it after three attempts to, and leaned back against the lockers to prevent herself from falling, since the ground was shaking like an earthquake, "Well... uhh... hey are there earthquakesh in Canada?"
"I dunno... I'm taking Earth Science this year, but I haven't been to class enough to know, because I'm supposed to be a gangsta now. Gangstas don't go to class, remember?"
"Oh... yeah... ok..."
"But who do I get to jump the bones of if you're taken and so is Ellie?"
"Uhh... well, all the black people are now dating each other because Degrassi suddenly wants to show they support non-inter-racial couples in addition to inter-racial couples...except for Chris, but he doesn't count because he was just invented so Emma could have a boyfriend even though she broke up with you. Uhh... Manny is sort of with J.T., but will probably screw Craig again, Craig just sucks 'cause he's a cheating bastard so he doesn't get a relationship for a while, no one knows if Toby is dating Kendra still, but he's a geek so no one cares, and everyone knows he and J.T. will jump each other's bones once Manny gets around to sleeping with Craig again. Um, teachers are off-limits, and Mr. Armstrong was already supposedly involved with a student once during Degrassi: TNG..."
"Uh... what about girls? You only named guys... except for Manny. But, then again, her name is Manny, maybe there's a reason for that..."
"Kendra is too young for you and might be dating Toby, Emma's taken, Hazel and Liberty are both supporting non-inter-racial couples, Paige and Ellie are making out in the girls' bathroom right now, I get Alex, Ashley is all doom and gloomy right now, so even though you randomly cried and made out with her at the end of season one, you can't touch her until she's magically better after crossdressing as Elvis... Terri has head injuries from an abusive boyfriend and probably will not want another boyfriend right away..."
"So I'm gonna be alone? But I'm not allowed to be alone! I have to always have a girlfriend so that Emma will see that I'm not a total loser, and I'm fine without her!"
"Oh, Jay's available. Alex is mine now, remember?"
"Is anyone in a straight relationship?"
"The token straight non-inter-racial black couples are. And so is Emma, but Chris doesn't really count. And J.T. and Manny don't count either, because Manny's gonna screw Craig again and the coupling makes many people sick anyway. J.T.xToby forever! DORK LOVE, YEAH! "
"Hey, aren't you supposed to be drunk?"
Amy blinked slowly. She had been speaking normally and not leaning against the lockers for a page now. She slumped against the lockers once again, "Oh yeah...LOOK! I'm lessh than shober!" She waved her vodka bottle again and took a swig.
"So, Jay is available? Only him?"
"Yesh."
"Oh. Cool. I've always wanted to bond with him a little more."
"Don't you mean bondage?"
"Yeah, well, that too." He suddenly giggled, "Hehe... we like fixing cars. Mm, motor oil..." He pictured Jay looking all scuffed up and with some car grease on his face, holding a wrench in hand and having just repaired a car engine. Wow, was that a turn-on or what?
"Ok! While you picture Jay after he'sh been fixing a car, I'll go off and picture Alex with whipped cream and shtrawberries! It'll be fun!"
Sean grinned, "Ok! Let's make it a reality!"
"Aweshome! I'll passh out on Alex from drinking too much, she'll bring me to the nurshe, and then when I magically re-awaken, she'll be gripping my handsh in her handsh and praying that I'm alright, even though religion is too intense for Degrassi to portray except for Christmas and Hannukah! And then, we'll make out while the male nurshe shtares, and go off to have a girlsh-only shlumber party!"
"And I'll go find Jay after school working on his project for shop, which is replacing the undercarriage of a car, and he'll be scuffed up and have some car grease on his face, and I'll get a hard-on and he'll grab me, force me against one of the cars, and start french kissing me like crazy, proving what is obvious: homophobes are just repressed fags!"
The two high-fived, although it took a few tries due to Amy's lack of coordination from vodka, and skipped off happily in two opposite directions.
And somewhere in the Eastern United States, a fanfic author hid under a rotting Volvo to avoid getting attacked by overly-sensitive Degrassi fans. Eek! How frightening! But then she found her secret stash of JayxDylan memorabilia (3), and everything was ok once more.
Happy endings and tidings! Hoo-rah!
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(1) I like Ellie, but it's too easy to poke fun at her along the veins of the whole vampire thing.
(2) Don't mind me here, I'm just being even more politically incorrect than I had up to this point. I have nothing against black people, believe me, and do find it unfortunate that they often get portrayed very negatively in the mass media.
(3) Eheheheheheh... you should see the awesome icon that xtwinklex made me...