More Squall Harvey News
produced by Aaron D.
NOTE: Once again, for the duration of this story, it is assumed that Squall's middle name is "Harvey," although no indication of this is present in any of the official literature, or, for that matter, anywhere.
Squall Harvey News and Comment on Galbadian Broadcast Radio, featuring Squall Harvey Leonhart, is brought to you today by Galbadi-Os, General Steel, and the Boos Wave Radio. And now, Squall Harvey...
Hello Galbadians, I'm Squall Harvey. Stand by for news! You know, heart health is one of the most important aspects of your overall health care. If your heart is healthy, then you can be sure the rest of your body is on the right track. That's why Galbadi-Os now have even more fiber-to make sure your heart is as healthy as it can be. That's right, it's that same super-crunchy, slightly sweet taste you love, and now it's better than ever for you. Next time you visit the grocery store, be sure to pick up a box of Galbadi-Os. You heart will thank you for it.
Once again, terrorist groups in the city of Timber have destroyed a local railroad. You would think they'd be thanking us for restoring their domestic freedoms and keeping only a token force there. Still, rumor has it that nearly every resident of Timber is a member of one resistance faction or another. Maybe they have nothing else to do...
Speaking of Timber, that city's television studios have been seeing record amounts of business since the re-discovery of broadcast television. Now that the worldwide signal interference has ceased, TV studios from all over the world have re-opened, and Timber is no exception. Almost all of the programs we enjoy here in Deling City are filmed in Timber, including CSI: Fisherman's Horizon and My Son, the Shumi.
It just so happens that a friend of mine, Bill by name, was entering a small cafe near Winhill some few years back. Bill was a retired soldier, and he was just trying to eke out a living in this ever-so-dangerous world. While he was enjoying his cup of home-brewed coffee, Bill noticed a couple of small children, dressed only in rags, huddled outside the cafe's door. Bill invited the children inside, and bought them a fantastic lunch, the likes of which they'd never before seen. The boy and the girl ate ravenously, even devouring a second plate of food when offered one by the charming veteran. Not one to leave such children to their own devices, Bill allowed the two to travel with him on his journey until finally finding a home for them during his trip to Deling City. Bill traveled a great deal, you see, for he was a roving correspondent for a certain magazine named Timber Maniacs. Yes, that's correct, as you may already have guessed, he one day also became...President of Esthar, Mister Laguna William Loire. Now, page two...
Sometimes it's hard to know how to...take care of certain things. Sometimes, we need a little help. Sometimes, we need to give the General a call. That's right, General Steel is ready to help you. The General has the world's most well-trained mercenaries ready to go into battle at a second's notice, no matter what your cause. General Steel's armies are comprised of some of the best fighters in the world today, and unlike those pesky SeeDs they won't pick your pockets with those unbelievably high rates. If you need some military assistance, call the General today.
I'd like to give hearty congratulations to my good friends Mildred and Edgar Stevenson from the city of Dollet. Seventy-eight blissful years ago today, Edgar proposed to Mildred on the balcony of the Dollet Opera House, and they were married that same afternoon.
It just so happens that in a large office building in far-off Esthar, a short, bespectacled office clerk named Fergar Duff has been working in the Records Department nearly sixty years, since his eighteenth birthday. Fergar always comes to work every day, thermos of coffee in hand so as to not waste company resources. He is consistenly on time, dependable, and an overall hard worker. Well, the Odine Magical Artifacts Production company honored Fergar last week with an impromptu celebration, awarding the surprised clerk with a special form of Odine Bangle that reflects cast magic, a rare and valuable item. Fergar thanked them very much, and says he hopes he gets something even better...after his next sixty years of employment. Now, page three...
(LOCAL BREAK)
At Neill's Finance Plaza of Deling City, our job is to get you in a car! Sure, it's going to be an old, dilapidated hunk of junk that was outdated ten years ago, but at least you'll be driving, right? You bet! And if you have to make so many interest payments over the next few months that it seems like you should have bought a Cadillac, because that would have actually been cheaper, too bad! You know no one else would have given you financing! That's why we're called Neill's Finance Plaza!
Mayor Dobe of Fisherman's Horizon recently attended a state dinner in the Brick House along with his beautiful wife. Thanks to recent international incidences of cooperation, we can expect more visits from foreign dignitaries in the future.
Some shop talk for you, Galbadian Broadcast Radio, or GBR, the company which syndicates this very broadcast, will soon be producing radio broadcasts of the Deling Knights basketball games. Basketball radio coverage is a lost art, as the last broadcast of a game was over eighteen years ago, before the worldwide signal interference was established. Veteran announcer Ronnie Delbridge will be teamed with the Galbadian Army's General Caraway, a former star center with the Knights. And speaking of radio, let's go to page four...
Now that we can listen to radio broadcasts once again, it's important to have a radio that gives you the best sound receivable. That's why-and I need your undivided here for a minute-we have the Boos Wave Radio. Get a pencil and paper handy, because I have an important number for you to write down here in a few seconds. How does the Boos Wave Radio work? Simple. The Guardian Force Boos, a master of sound manipulation, broadcasts the radio signal input directly from his thousand-foot-tall horns to your Boos Wave Radio. His strong, inherent magical powers ensure that your radio gives you the best, clearest sound at all times. Tell you what-and have that pencil ready now-I'll make you a deal. You try the Boos Wave Radio for thirty days, and if you're unsatisfied, I'll take it back, free of charge. Call this number: 1-800-45-443. Try the Boos Wave Radio free for thirty days: tell them ol' Squall Harvey sent you.
It turns out the transcontinental railroad that runs from Timber to Esthar has only ONE maintenance technician. Apparently, fifty-eight-year-old Harold Denison has been responsible for all repairs, major and minor, to the tracks over the past thirty years. Fortunately, Harold hasn't had any repairs of the major sort to effect since the trains haven't been running for more than twenty of those years!
Robots are getting more and more advanced. It used to be, if a robot was going to attack you, as they are required by their programming to eventually do, it would at least look boxy and metallic. Nowadays, artifical lifeforms are nearly indistinguishable from human beings, and their faces are capable of emulating real expression. It makes it harder and harder to kill them when they turn on us, their masters. Perhaps this is why robot sales have dropped almost two thousand percent in the last five years.
Paleontologists have found a completely-preserved wooly mammoth frozen in a block of ice in the farthest reaches of the frozen north. As it turns out, it's not very different from the wooly mammoths currently living in the frozen north! Squall Harvey...Good day!
APOLOGY FROM THE AUTHOR: Hey, the first of these got such a good fan response I did another one. Once again, if you didn't know, this entire thing was a parody of "Paul Harvey News and Comment," which is a radio program you may never have heard of. If you're curious, check out one of the country- or news-oriented radio stations in your community (even if you live in LA or New York, so I've heard) around 7:30 AM or noon, and you can figure out exactly what's going on.
If you still need to satisfy your Final Fantasy 8 fix, check out "My Friend Zell" and "I Need A Hero," both of which are listed on my Author Page.
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