A/N: This is getting to be fun. I wonder what I can do next. ^_^
Sorry for not updating. I was preoccupied. Don't ask why. And then my stupid little brother just HAS to ask: "Why?"
Well, there's my nonexistent homework. That takes about 5 hours a day. Then there's my painfully real Chinese homework. That takes about 3 hours. Then there's American Idol. I need to watch that. And my strange obsession with cookies. Computer cookies. I keep deleting them accidentally. Also, my bizarre mind that supplies me with weird ideas about how to make Hiei suffer. I should make this chapter extra long to compensate, huh?
I SCREWED UP. HIEI DOES NOT GO TO SCHOOL BUT I HAVE MADE HIM DO SO. IN DOING THIS DASTARDLY ACT, I SHALL PERFORM HARA-KIRI AND SAVE MYSELF FROM AN ANGERED FIRE DEMON. I WILL COMMIT MYSELF INTO DOING GOOD DEEDS IN THE AFTERLIFE, UNDER THE CARE OF THE LORD ALMIGHTY. AH, IF ONLY I HAD A SWORD!
Hiei: *appears* You can borrow mine.
The happy yet pessimistic authoress: Why thank you, Hiei. You are so considerate at times.
Hiei: *snorts* Yeah, yeah, just kill yourself and get it over with.
The happy yet pessimistic authoress: Yes, I know. Hey Hiei, did you know that when I type your name into Microsoft Word, red squiggly lines appear under it, and when I spell-check, you name isn't in the dictionary and they suggest corrections?
Hiei: Hn.
The happy yet pessimistic authoress: And the first word in the correction list is "Heidi"? Ah, what I wouldn't give to see you in those cute little pigtails! *imagines Hiei wearing Heidi's dress and braids* Oh my Lord, what a strange sight!
Hiei: *glares* Are you going to die or will I have to kill you myself?
The happy yet pessimistic authoress: I don't think I'll kill myself right now. Maybe later. *throws sword into trash can* *Hiei growls* Anyway, since I stupidly made Hiei go to school when he obviously didn't want to be there, I will apologize and say "I'm an idiot" five hundred times. Also, Hiei doesn't have to go to school anymore. Let's just pretend they threw him out, hmm? *smirks* Hey, what's with the bold font where I insulted myself? Hiei? Did you do that?
Disclaimer: Do you think I own it? I'm not as Narcissistic as Yoshihiro Togashi or whatever his name is. . See, told ya I know barely anything about Yu Yu Hakusho.
By the way, "Keki" means "cake." I thought it was weird. But it kind of fits. Cake can get rotten, right? @.@ Well, lets see. There are masculine cakes and feminine cakes. The feminine cakes are the vanilla, strawberry, and sometimes-chocolate ones. The masculine cakes are the chocolate ones, the ultra-sweet Birthday Cake Remix ice cream cakes, and the cakes where you eat a slice, and another slice, and another slice, and it never seems to disappear! The bi cakes are the vanilla cakes with footballs and basketballs on it, the upside-down pineapple cakes, and maybe the butterscotch ice cream cakes you can get at Baskin Robbins. By the word 'bi', I mean that they haven't decided which gender they are---in short, unspecified. Kurama changed from a chocolate cake to a strawberry cake because he did the unthinkable: he ate pie.
Disturbed Vixen: Oh? You like it but you…………err………what did you say again?
Aka Bara: Hmm? I didn't know this was going to be a YYH/Inu crossover…………it's YOUR job to write a very good one, not mine! *horrified* I have enough on my plate already! I have to finish my…………err…………um, my nonexistent English homework? Stop glaring! I can't take it! Aaaarrrghhhhhhhh…………*faints* *gets up again* Anyway, thanks for the help!
Sakura Butterfly: Awww………thanks! I didn't know it was that funny.
The Dark Girl: Thanks for offering to help! I do believe I emailed you, didn't I?
Tenken no Miko: *silence* *sighs* *shakes head* Miss Tenken, Miss Tenken………grammar! Anyway, thanks for reviewing! You know you can get away with not reviewing, right? I'll just beat you up, nothing big. ^__^
Dustbunny290: Thanks for reviewing! Yes, I will update……………
Flower Petals: Wow! Thank you for the compliments. I'm so happy. ^_^
Nine Months of Horror
By CocaCola43
Chapter 3: Illness
Yusuke walked quickly toward Kurama's high school…………or in the general direction where he thought it might be. He tried to look tough, so that the "gangstas" wouldn't try to slow him down. School was still in session, though, (A/N: He ran out, remember?) so there wasn't a lot of competition…………no, that wasn't the right word. He wasn't looking for a fight. Yusuke tried to remind himself that he was searching for Kurama's high school, but there was a tingly feeling in his right index finger that told him he was *that* close to firing his Spirit Gun at an innocent person. He might end up shooting the pregnant woman snoozing on the park bench, or the old men squatting around a deck of cards, or the Shiba Inu panting happily as it watch its masters squabbling in the sand box…………………
He didn't know why, but this park gave him a cold, numb feeling. He shivered involuntarily and stuffed his hands into his pockets, the logic being that if his Spirit Gun *did* go off, he'd end up shooting……………himself. But wait. That wasn't a very pleasant thought. Yusuke took his hands out of his pockets and left the park. It would be best if he went where no people were.
~~~~~*~~~~~
Pick.
Flick.
Plop.
Pick.
Flick.
Plop.
Kurama threw another pebble into the water. (A/N: XD) By now, he was safely three miles away from his hated teacher and his assumed name, Jaganshi Keki. He sighed and gazed into the pond, examining how much he'd changed. His face was slightly more ovalish, and his cheeks were rosier. His green eyes, unchanged, peered at his reflection through thick, dark eyelashes. His nose was smaller, his lips redder and fuller, his hair even more wavy, and his bearing much more supercilious. Was he really like that, arrogant and uncaring? Kurama tried to remember some of the thoughts that had gone through his mind that day. There was the one where he'd called his own mother stupid………………Kurama felt a sharp twinge of guilt. He was a girl now! He was supposed to be more feminine! Were all females like he was right now? If he continued acting like this, the next thing he'd know that that he'd joined a gang, gotten five tattoos and a nose ring, and smoked cigarettes……………Kurama looked at his rippled reflection again. Could this girlish face actually hide the monster of terror chewing away at his heart and soul?
His face…………he was a girl, no doubt about it. He felt a thrill of fright. Kurama had heard of the dreaded disease that females got…………he'd seen its effect firsthand in the days when Maya was his girlfriend. Perhaps HE had contracted this horrible illness…………the one they called…………
PMS. (A/N: Gimme a DUN DUN DUN!)
He didn't know what it stood for, though. Call him stupid, but Kurama wasn't. He was just a bit aloof sometimes. Maybe PMS stood for…………Populous feMales Strike or something. Who knew?
So maybe he DID have it. Was there a cure? No one had ever mentioned one, so maybe there wasn't. Perhaps it was just like a virus, needing to run its course before dissipating. According to most females, the virus lasted several days, ending with extreme gloominess and then leaving, only to return after about 28 days. He wasn't very miserable YET, so Kurama estimated that he had about three or four days to prepare. He would have to warn the others.
(A/N: I feel SOOO stupid, writing about PMS when I don't even know what it means……………honest! I just know it relates to that. I'm going to undertake my little brother's challenge to type the rest of this one-handed, so don't get mad if there are some mistakes that my stupid word processor didn't correct. Do you hear me, Microsoft Word? You are so STUPID!!!! DIE~!)
~~~~~*~~~~~
"Really? She read your palm and told you that you'd marry Yusuke?"
"Yeah! And that's so cooooool, because Yusuke's the only one for me," Keiko sighed happily. "And she said that I'd beautiful when I grow up…………"
"But Keiko," her friend whispered back (A/N: You know, the one with the glasses………or do they both have glasses? @_@). "I thought you said you HATED Yusuke………"
"That's right," her other friend agreed. "You said that he was the stupidest, most irresponsible idiot ever to grace this earth with his moronic presence, in those very words."
"Oh." They were right………Keiko blushed a deep magenta. "I-I mean, that's so NOT cool, because Yusuke's the only one who I really can't stand…………STOP SMILING!!"
~~~~~*~~~~~
"We're off to see the Wizard…………the Wonderful Wizard of Oz!" The song poured through every corner of the house. Atsuko yawned, scratched an itchy spot on her head, and turned the volume on the TV up with her foot. Hopefully none of the neighbors would hear it………but even if they did, it wouldn't matter much. They had already gotten used to listening to "My Favorite Things" sung by her at the top of her voice, why not the Wizard, eh? Of COURSE, they wouldn't mind! They never minded when her house was burning down……………
Now Dorothy was finished singing and she was walking around with the scarecrow dude and the lion thing and the metal man. They looked so ridiculously stupid that Atsuko had to laugh, dropping her bag of popcorn in the process. Cursing, she picked up the little pieces of popcorn and threw them into the bag, with the occasional "EWWW!" when there was a ball of lint or a hair stuck to one of the kernels. Atsuko giggled and settled down, watching them walk. She laughed again. Atsuko was the kind of person who could get high on anything………… (A/N: Like me. Ask Tenken no Miko; she knows.)
She made the volume even louder, until it couldn't go up any more. The Cowardly Lion's voice boomed from the TV set, and her glass of water rattled from the vibrations. "Oh," Atsuko sighed, "this is getting kinda loud, huh?" But she didn't do anything to change it.
"We interrupt this program with an announcement………there will be a flood warning starting from 1:46 P.M. until 7:12 P.M. on this day in Tokyo…………(A/N: That is where they live, right? Sorry………no more interruptions from now on. Well, maybe a little. But not that much.)"
Atsuko bolted straight up. White letters filled the screen, and words were moving across the top as she pulled on her jacket and stuffed the last of her popcorn into her mouth. "Say morrrf youfe iditof!" she said, her voice muffled by the snack. But then The Wizard Of Oz came back up, and nothing more about the flood warning was said.
She ran, leaving the TV on, letting it blast out at full volume. "I hafta get Yusuke!" was the thought going through her mind as she stepped through the vast, deep puddles on the sidewalk, her umbrella billowing. "He's skipping school, no doubt, and he won't know………"
~~~~~*~~~~~
Kurama was confused. One minute, he was thinking about his disease, and the next he was in the water, freezing his fingers off, feeling extremely angry about something. He was afraid at the same time he was mad. Was this what he would do at the climax of the PMS, just jump into an ice-cold pond and scream at the sky? For that was what he was doing: he was screaming his head off at the clouds, yelling insults, curses, and lamentations. He kept doing that, and he didn't know why, but all he knew was that it felt good. His pent-up anger was flowing out of his body with every shout, and with every second that passed, he felt increasingly free, like a bird.
Then it started raining.
The huge raindrops pounded the earth, and his yells were drowned out literally by the water. In a matter of seconds, there was an inch of rain on the ground. Kurama stopped shouting and stayed in the cold water, treading water silently, thinking about what he'd just done. In the past, he'd yelled like that before, and nothing had ever happened like this. It was as if the sky were in his command. He could make it rain whenever he wanted. But, he shuddered, he'd have to yell like that, most likely, and he didn't know if he could do so willingly. Perhaps he had unwittingly performed a spell, and his………screeching was really a hex. He wouldn't be surprised, the way things were just popping in on him with no idea of how they were possible………In fact, he had no idea anymore as to why he was in the stupid pond when it was raining, and he was soaked to the core.
Kurama sighed and grabbed the wet, muddy earth at the edge of the water, pulling himself up. He was dripping wet, and his hair was an uncomely, scraggly mess of curls. Ah well. After he got home he'd be sure to take a nice, long hot bath…………Trudging through the mud, he made his way back to his house in a short amount of time, just fast enough to miss a briskly walking Yusuke…………
~~~~~*~~~~~
"YUSUKE!! YUSUKE!!" Atsuko was going crazy trying to find her son. The first place she'd checked was the grocery store, for she knew that her son sometimes had a sweet tooth and enjoyed eating ultra-sweet ice cream cake (A/N: See author's note at the beginning of this chapter.) Yusuke wasn't there, so, using her common sense, she trekked to Keiko's house and peeked around, thinking about what she'd say when she caught him sneaking around, trying to scare Keiko when she returned from school like any other normal teenager. Unfortunately, her son wasn't very normal at all. Writing essays, studying for finals, oh, that was cool. Great, even. But when it was compared to what Yusuke had done, well, maybe fighting demons and returning to life just wasn't comparable with that………
Running along the road (Atsuko had never had a high regard for street signs or sidewalks), she noticed a forlorn-looking, dripping wet girl of about fifteen years of age walking in front of her. Something about the girl seemed familiar. Maybe it was her red hair, or the way she walked, or her proud, straight posture…………in fact, she highly resembled someone. She forgot who.
"Hey, umm………" Running up to catch up with the girl, Atsuko reached out and took hold of her shoulder. It was still raining. She held out her umbrella dumbly and asked, "Wanna share?"
The girl turned her large, soulful green eyes on her. "If you want," she said carelessly, although Atsuko noticed the yearning look in her expression. "I'm not cold." Atsuko snorted. The girl grimaced. "But if you really want to lend me that umbrella………"
Atsuko jumped in. "Have you seen a boy, miss?"
The girl raised an eyebrow. "I've seen tons of boys, none of whom did anything to receive my respect."
"Have you seen someone called………Urameshi Yusuke? He's my son. I'm searching for him."
"Hmm. Maybe. I know him personally………" The girl smirked. Atsuko was worried. What was her son doing in the company of girls like this young lady? She hoped that Yusuke wasn't doing anything immoral………like cheating on Keiko with a prostitute………
"How do you………" Then, deciding she really didn't need to know, Atsuko offered to take the bedraggled girl home and dry her up a bit. She declined politely. But then Atsuko got pushy………
"YOU KNOW YOU NEED TO DRY OFF, DAMMIT!"
A few minutes later, Atsuko was *prancing* on the asphalt, while the girl followed her sullenly, her face downcast like a child who had just been told off to the teacher. "You'll LO~OVE our house, dear," she sang. "Just stay there while I search for Yusuke, please. It would do much good!" She was high again. Perhaps screaming at stubborn people had a side effect. Whatever the cause, Atsuko was most definitely not a very reliable being right now.
Ten yards behind her, and feeling enormously misjudged, Kurama scuffed his feet and grumbled incoherently under his breath. It was bad enough that he was soaking wet, now he had to go to YUSUKE'S house with his annoying mother? What a coincidence. Yusuke's mom would keep him away from school.
~~~~~*~~~~~
"BLISS!!!!"
Atsuko sighed and shook her head fondly. The girl (she'd told her that her name was Keki) was taking her long, hot bath, and after what she'd gone through, it was a good thing that Yusuke wasn't home. The insensitive little pervert would try to spy on her! Poor Keki would be traumatized………and such a pretty girl too………Long red hair………emerald eyes………a nice figure…………so willful and strong…………
She felt immensely sorry for her future husband.
~~~~~*~~~~~
A half hour later, KEKI was lying on the couch (A/N: Can't really call it a sofa………) with HER hands propped behind HER head and HER feet in the air, staring at the potted plant on the windowsill. "You are so pathetic," she said aloud. "You're like, dying, and no one here gives a shit." SHE jumped up. "Well, maybe I do." KEKI walked into the kitchen, grabbed a plastic cup with a flowery design, and filled it halfway up with water. SHE commenced to water the plant, sighing and talking to it the whole time. After a minute or two the cup was empty. KEKI placed it on the carpet and started poking the plant, examining it and making little "tsk, tsk" sounds. "You aren't very healthy at all," SHE cooed. "You poor little thing."
The plant growled at her.
KEKI glared at it. "Well, sorry, I'm just trying to help! Maybe I should just leave Atsuko and Yusuke to kill you. It would be a laugh." She paused. "Did you just………"
More growling. There was a faint mustiness to the air, more so than five minutes before. Keki, with her super sensitive nose, noticed right away. "What's that smell…………"
Then it hit her. "It's PLANT FART!!!" Keki snapped her fingers. "NO WONDER!" But how could a plant fart? Hmm…………
Maybe Yusuke had some disease and passed it onto the plant. No, wait, SHE had a disease, didn't she? The Populous feMales Strike disease? Perhaps, with the constant poking and watering, the plant had received the harmful pathogen and it caused a chemical reaction within the stomata that clogged the pores and forced the plant to transpire its waste --- oxygen --- in a different, abnormal way, making it fart! Oh, no! Keki clapped her hands to her forehead. The poor plant would die soon! It was already starting to gurgle and wilt!
"Atsuko I have to get this plant to the hospital I passed a disease to it and now it's dying ATSUKO don't worry about me I'll make SURE your plant lives it's just a small case of Populous feMales Strike!" she called, and grabbed the plant, flowerpot and all, and ran out the door.
A/N: That last bit was for my own personal humor. Although this chapter wasn't that funny. I suck at writing, huh? Kill me if you want. I don't mind!
Hiei: *Growls* CocaCola43………you bitch………
The happy yet pessimistic authoress: *gasp* Now, Hiei, you don't REALLY mean that………
Hiei: Hn. *glare*
Kurama/Keki: *steps in* Hiei…………*warningly* *snaps up straight* *eyes glaze over* (Hiei's taken over his mind; maybe Keki's weaker than Kurama?)
Thank you, Kurama, for giving me that minute of preparation for the upcoming massacre. I will use it to finish this chapter. Now………PREPARE FOR BATTLE!!!! Ummm…………HIEI'S GLARING AT ME WITH THREE EYES!! UH-OH. NOT GOOD AT ALL! AIIIIIII!!! Good-bye, people, as this may be the last time I speak to you…………
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