A/N: Thanks for the feedback! I'm switching the pronouns for Kurama from 'she' to 'he' at irregular intervals, so I hope that doesn't bamboozle you as you peruse this little anecdote of mine. Just remember: it's made with love. That didn't really make a lot of sense, did it? But I don't make sense, do I? Hmm……
Let's abbreviate the title of this fan fic. Let's call it……Nimoh. Because, Nine Months Of Horror, you know?
Let's see………FANGIRLS ARE ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That was 131 exclamation marks.
I'm sitting at the computer in my comfy little office chair drinking Diet Coke, but I just can't seem to find the fragile thread that held this story together for so long. (Okay, for like three chapters, but still……) I'm thinking of a plot as I type. And I HAVE ONE!!! YAY!!! So, just read on and think about the little things you learn just from reading stupid fan fiction made by a person who's not even a real fan. But here's a warning that you MUST heed: It's going to take a little while to get to that part in the plot where everything comes together. So, can you be patient and wait the LOOOOOOONG/SHORT time until that chapter comes? Thanks. (About the long/short I put: it doesn't mean anything other than I'm not sure how long it'll take. Once I had to do a poster on Islam, and I stayed up until 4 in the morning working on it, skipped breakfast, went to school an hour late just to finish it, and the teacher gave me a very tormenting grade: A/F. I asked why, and he said I did the Revelation of Islam instead of my real topic, the Development of an Islamic Civilization. So, after some persuasion, it went into the grade book as a C+. That's what brought my History grade down from a 98.4 to a 92.5 (A+ to A-), and I hated my stupid carelessness that day.)
Here's some good news: I ate lunch today! *silence* *crickets chirping* What? You aren't happy for me? I had expected you to jump for joy and knock over desks in your euphoria, but I guess that isn't coming today. But I usually never eat lunch. And I haven't drank anything since yesterday morning. So, be a good sport and congratulate me on finally getting my act together and not starving myself in hopes of letting the day pass quicker and the weekend come sooner! *everyone claps* And no, I do NOT have anorexia! I'm a bit young for that kind of thing! *huge grin* *CocaCola43 takes a bow* Thank you, everyone. *tears in eyes; voice rises passionately* I won't forget your words! *sobs* *overcome with emotion* *swoons from hunger*
Disturbedvixen: You know, I take that as an insult, but maybe I'm just being stupid. I'm not American. Not really. I'm an ABC…or was it CBA? I'm one twelfth Japanese, but that doesn't really count. Yes I KNOW it's Keiki, but I thought that, well, the 'e' in Japanese makes the same sound as the 'ei', so……*sigh* But, is Keiki pronounced kay-eee-ki? Maybe I'm being overemotional. I hope you don't get mad at me.
Sakura Butterfly: Okay, okay. I'm typing the next chapter. I can't upload it because MY INTERNET ACCESS IS DOWN!!!!! Besides, I'm not done. So………anyway, thanks for the compliments!
Tenken no Miko: So. That's what PMS means. I see. Wow. What a stupid word. And my writing is SOOOOOO not good. It is HORRIBLE!!!!!!!
Flower Petals: This story is getting a bit crazy. And I have an idea for your story "Random Things You'll Never Hear". Make Fluffy say "Ooooh, Naraku baby, will you PLEEEEEASE help me put my hair in spikes? Pink spikes? And after that, can I do yours? I promise to choose a REAAAL cool color! How about purple?" Also, make Keiko say "Ooooh, Kuwa-baby, you're my hero! Let's ditch that stupid Yusuke and elope! Whee!" I could help some more, but……my stupid brain can't think of anything else right this minute.
The Dark Girl: Of COURSE, you can write a little of the next chapters! I'm glad you even bothered to ask! ^_______^
DISCLAIMER: I do not own YYH or the American Heritage Talking Dictionary. (That was where I got my definitions for everything; it's such a nice source.) I don't own Everything You Need to Know Before You Call the Doctor, either. And I certainly don't own this computer. Sigh.
Nine Months of Horror
By CocaCola43
Chapter 4: Time For What?
Kurama ran toward the hospital, which, for all he knew, was probably around ten miles away. He felt a deep sense of regret that he hadn't asked Hiei to join him; the fire demon was to Kurama as a cheetah is to a ladybug. He wasn't exaggerating.
He got to the building fairly quickly, quite sooner than he had expected. The place was a bustling beehive of movement, and the smell! It was horrible. Why did people get sick anyway, and have to go to this place where the nurses snapped, doctors lied, and receptionists didn't care about anything? Why did his mother have to get sick? She was better now, thanks to him (and Yusuke, he reminded himself), but he had been worried almost to the extent of getting sick himself. That cost him a few years of his life, the preparation of the mourning days. While his stepfather and stepbrother had been worried too, he had been scared. REALLY scared. His hold on the stunted, wilting plant tightened. He wouldn't let this plant die, even if he had to sacrifice his time or money. During the short time they had known each other (A/N: What, like twenty minutes?) Kurama had gotten attached to the little plant. He stepped into the waiting room and stopped short. Music was blaring from a tiny radio in a corner, there were magazines and newspapers scattered all over the carpet, the receptionist was painting her nails, there was a man drinking beer, and someone has just let loose a huge sparrow that swooped around the room, making women scream and children laugh. In short, it was hell for a meticulous, fastidious person such as Kurama. Becoming a girl had changed some things, but not his fussiness. Well, perhaps a little. Just a little, tiny bit. He walked to the receptionist slowly, keeping his expression even. "Excuse me," he whispered. The lady looked up.
"What?" she snapped. "Spit it out."
"I'm trying to check if this plant ---" Then, deciding it would be better if he lied a little, he said, "I'm sick. I need to see a doctor, now." He thought about it some more and added, "REAL sick. So sick I could die if it's not treated right away." He gasped for breath to emphasize his point.
For some reason he couldn't fathom, the receptionist snorted with laughter, nearly dropping her bottle of metallic silver nail polish on the floor. "You'll have to wait," she gasped, after she'd calmed down a little. "The doctors are all busy." She resumed painting her nails, casting an apathetic glance around the room every so often. Kurama felt like he was going to lose his temper.
"Look, lady, I'm telling the truth," he sighed. "Will you just let me see the doctor, and I'll ---"
"What is THAT?" the lady asked, looking up from her nails and staring disgustedly at the plant. It made a small whimpering noise. "Is that some demented green animal you stuffed in a flowerpot?" Glaring now. "That's cruelty to animals, you know. I could have you arrested."
"I'm not looking for trouble ---" he began, but the stupid woman interrupted him again.
"Like hell you aren't. Bitch."
Kurama blew his top. "SHUT UP!!!" he screamed. The whole room grew quiet, except for the classical --- CLASSICAL, who the hell listens to classical, Kurama thought bitterly --- music blasting from the radio. A mother gaped at him. Her son, a first grader with no knowledge of which words were forbidden, whispered very audibly, "What did that girl say, Mommy?" His mother replied, "She said a very bad word. Don't EVER, EVER say that, okay?" "Okay, Mommy. Can I have a soda?"
"I said, I'm not looking for trouble. I'm sick, okay?" Kurama said quietly. He didn't want to attract any more attention than he already had. "Just set up an appointment. Or something. Hurry, okay?" Being nice would get faster results. What was that saying……? You'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. He hated flies. It was funny to imagine the receptionist as one. She'd fit in perfectly with the fly group.
The annoying woman squinted at her. "Are you sure?"
"No DUUUUUUURRRR. Ma'am," Kurama added quickly, in an effort to sound more polite. "And, can I please take my plant with me? We've grown very fond of each other, and……"
"Are you sure you're okay?"
'Yes – I mean, no. I'm sick!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"REALLLLY sure?"
"Yes!"
With a final glare, she huffed and pulled a piece of paper off a notepad. It ripped in half, and she tossed it on the ground, yanking another and grabbing a black pen. "Name?" she grunted.
"Jaganshi Keki." Kurama kept his voice low.
"Why are you here?"
"I'm sick." No duh.
"No, what disease, ailment, or virus" she pronounced the word with a disgusted 'ugh', "do you have?"
Kurama was stuck. "Err. Um. Lactose intolerance --- no, varicella." He racked his brain for the names of the diseases he'd learned about in his biology classes. He didn't want to say PMS, because that would be a bit embarrassing. Even he knew that. "No, I suffer paroxysms of wheezing when I eat lettuce. Yeah. That's it. And lactose intolerance and varicella."
She scribbled it on the paper. "Actually, I think you suffer from hypochondria. But whatever you say is fine. My boss told me not to contradict our patients. And varicella is chicken pox. I don't think you have that, do you?"
"Yes, I do," Kurama said firmly. "It's just that the spots are in a place that I don't care to show to the public." He paused a while before asking hesitantly, "What is hypochondria?"
"Look it up." She threw a huge, hard covered book at him. He caught it and read the cover: Everything You Need to Know Before You Call the Doctor: The Ultimate Medical Dictionary. In a smaller font below it, the subtitle read "A Straightforward and Sensible Home Medical Reference For Men, Women, Children, and Seniors." There was a picture of a human skull and an anatomical chart of the human body. He tried not to shudder.
Opening it, he went straight to the table of contents, looking in the "H" section for whatever the lady had said. "Hypo………" he murmured. "Page 359………" Turning to that page, he read:
hy·po·chon·dri·a ( hº"p…-k¼n"dr¶-…) n. 1. The persistent neurotic conviction that one is or is likely to become ill, often involving experiences of real pain when illness is neither present nor likely. Also Called hypochondriasis . 2. Plural of hypochondrium . [Late Latin abdomen from Greek hupokhondria, pl. of hupokhondrion abdomen (held to be the seat of melancholy), neuter of hupokhondrios under the cartilage of the breastbone hupo- hypo- khondros cartilage; See ghrendh- in Indo-European Roots.]
Kurama read the definition and slammed the book shut. He was NOT suffering from hypochondria. It seemed pretty interesting though. Perhaps one day he could study it when he became a biologist. But that was a long way in the future. He didn't count on it.
The receptionist was looking at him indirectly. "Well?" she asked flippantly, tossing her bleached blonde hair. "What do you think?"
He took a deep breath. "I think you are crazy. I think this is stupid. I think that if it weren't for Frankie here, I would still be at Atsuko's house, watching TV or whatever she does. And I think that you should hurry up and get me an appointment with the doctor!"
Frankie (A/N: The plant) cooed and waved a leaf around drowsily.
~~~~~*~~~~~
(A/N: Just so you know, Hiei won't be mentioned all that much in this chapter. Let's move on to Yusuke.)
Walking along the overgrown, untrimmed shrubs lining the sidewalk, Yusuke ignored the dead pine needles and dirt particles that had gathered on his pant leg. He wondered why the school uniforms were green. But the bigger question was why he was wearing it, although he didn't feel like answering any questions at the moment. Kurama came first.
He hadn't been all that surprised when he'd been told that Kurama had turned into a girl. In fact, he'd almost suspected it would happen to him, since the guy looked so much like a girl already. He was sure that Kurama wouldn't look any different other than the fact that he had a visible chest and waist and hips, unlike a certain girl named Keiko. Of course, there was always the fact that Keiko really was a girl, and Kurama was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. But Kurama had become a girl right after he participated in that pie contest thing. Yusuke frowned and tugged at a stray lock of gelled hair, trying to force it back so that he wouldn't look like he had a horn sticking out of his head. At least, that was how he imagined he looked. Now he felt sorry for rhinos.
Kurama had become a girl right after the pie-eating contest.
Yusuke sighed and threw up his hands, giving up on his unruly hair. Why was he acting so self-conscious all of a sudden? He was supposed to be looking for Kurama. Poor Kurama. Maybe his mom wouldn't notice the change in her dear Shuichi, maybe not. It didn't matter, anyway. He was supposed to stop the ball by next year. That was plenty of time!
But how was he supposed to help Kurama turn back into a guy? Hmmm……How could he achieve that? Surgery? That was a possibility, but he didn't think Kurama would take kindly to being a transgender, and he was apprehensive about what Kurama's mother would say.
"Shuichi? Shuichi, is that you? Where --- SHUICHI! YOU LOOK LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON!! WHAT DID YOU DO?!!!"
Yusuke thought about it and decided that it would be funny. Maybe on that day he could sneak over to Kurama's house and bring a camcorder. You know, blackmail material.
But he didn't like being that mean to a friend. He blew a leaf off his nose and stared up at the bleak sky.
"Stop."
He turned. Hiei was standing behind him, his crimson red eyes glowing eerily, and his black clothing billowing in the wind. Yusuke stared at him, wondering why he was here.
"Stop." Hiei kicked at a stone, and it clattered noisily off onto the road. "Toad."
"Shut up."
They stood, looking at the cars drive past, each wondering the same thing: why had Kurama turned into a girl? Then they both came to the same conclusion: it had been Atsuko's horrible cooking that had caused such a horrible thing to occur.
~~~~~*~~~~~
The metal bars were steaming hot, scorching to the young ice maiden. Yukina blew quickly on her fingers and walked away from the huge cage, wondering what the humans could do with such a structure. It reminded her of a torture chamber………maybe it was one. Yukina gasped and covered her mouth. If it was a torture chamber, what where the humans who controlled this place going to do? No! It couldn't be! They couldn't be torturing animals! The little squirlies and bunnies and kitties and birdies………
A/N: My office assistant obviously wants to contact you. Can you imagine, the annoying thing gave me a tip that read: "You should never dive into murky waters." And another that read: "It's never too late to learn to play the piano." HELLO!!! I've ALREADY learned to play the piano! And I hated it! Besides! He's supposed to teach me how to make Microsoft Word less annoying! *sobs* By the way, Miss Tenken, my office assistant is Links. But two seconds ago, I changed him into Da Dot. Da Dot is Da BOMB!!! Not really, though. I kind of miss Links. *sniff* Oh wait. The Dot just changed himself into a suitcase. And then a safe. And then a satellite dish. And then a trash can and then a bomb and then he blew himself up. O_O Cool! Now I'm changing it to Rocky. I love dogs! Rocky is so cool. Much cooler than the Dot. A little better than Links. –.^
We are………on fire……We have………desires……
Believe when I say………
One Backstreet Boy is gay……
It's a messed up, TINY version of a better one. Leave me your email in your review and I'll email it to you with sound and all that junk. Lyrics, too. It's so funny! @_@ That is, if you don't like the Backstreet Boys. I like them, or used to, but still, it's very funny!
MY THOUGHT OF THE DAY:
If Barbie is so popular, why do we have to buy her friends? *smirk*
In the next chapter, I think (THINK) we'll explore why Yukina is here. Maybe. BUT YOU SHOULD ALL KNOW THIS: I HATE YUKINA. I HATE HER SOOOOOOOOO MUCH IT KILLS ME TO IMAGINE HER STINKIN' FACE. DON'T GET TOO MAD IF I MAKE GEORGE KILL HER WITH A CHAIN SAW OR SOMETHING. By the way, why is he called George? Hmmm…… By the way, sorry Yukina fans! If there are any! Say, can people fall in love with Yukina? :-P dunce!
MUSINGS AND WHININGS: (more whining than musings)
My life sucks. The people in it are horrible, and my friends are crazy. Sometimes they aren't, most of the time they are. They're all just slapping each other on the head and screaming and yelling and running around naked and asking questions about what it means when Tasuki says "Hey, Miaka, lend me your peaches," with a big grin on his face. And they eat paper cookies. And they pretend that a triangular rock is Soujiro and they name it Soujiro and they draw a happy face on it with black Sharpie and sleep with it under their pillow. And then they lose the rock. (I'm actually only talking about one of my friends.) And they write disgusting haiku about sex. And so does their brother. It's all just some stupid crap about 'Passionate kisses, love is dampening the air, *BLEEP* searches *BLEEP*." I'm afraid that after high school they'll just end up making enough money to buy ramen. By drawing porn. (Just one of my friends, the same one I've mentioned above.) My mom and my dad and my aunt spoil me too much, but my parents are obsessed with class rank, and my brother whines too much, and he just started swearing yesterday, and I'm very hypocritical. Sigh. I will stop whining now. I seem to have broken three pencils since beginning this huge whiny paragraph… More sighs.
This is my letter to the world,
That never wrote to me……
I was just watching TRL, and then after that VH1, and I realized something. Aaron Charles Carter is just a little kid. He is such a *BEEEEEEP*. In other words, he has a baby face that doesn't deserve to be fought over by two teenage drama queens who can't even write their own songs. And his hair reminds me of Saddam Hussein. And he wears stupid fake pimp clothes that make him look puny and shriveled up. Yes, I know, I'm being very bitchy. But Aaron Charles Carter is a f*cking male bitch. *GLARE* Oh, I guess I'm offending lots of fan girls/boys today, huh? Sigh. Well, to all of you out there, let me just apologize and I'm going to admit:
Aaron Charles Carter isn't that bad. Just my mood. And Yukina is actually really nice (as much as it pains me to admit it.) Sigh. I'm way too proud. My stupid dignity is more important than my well-being.
I'm sorry for being so whiny. Please cheer up this pathetic little girl by
REVIEWING!!!