August 20, 1978

Everyone I know has to stay right where they are forever. I am never helping anyone move ever again, and that includes myself. I have a series of bruises on my arms that James is convinced is like a map of Sagittarius.

...later...

And he actually found a picture in a book to show me. Sometimes I worry about him.

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August 22, 1978

Well, we were going to get married in a church, but James' parents took a lot of flack because of the wizarding thing back when they got married, and so there's a little bit of bitterness, I think. I can understand that, especially given certain prejudices. But getting married in December limits our choices because it's bloody cold outside, so that's not an option. And, with the wedding being at Christmastime, we have to reserve wherever it is soon. Why did we agree on December again? It made sense at the time...

I'm so glad I'm only doing this once. Yes, James, you're stuck with me. Stop reading over my shoulder.

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August 23, 1978

Conversations with Remus can be fun. Apparently seven years of being someone's roommate is not preparation enough for being their ONLY roommate in a place that's all theirs for the first time. I don't think I've ever seen Remus rant like that. I had to try really hard to keep myself from laughing because I was afraid that if I did, he'd stop talking.

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August 26, 1978

Why do people GET married, anyway? Who started this tradition? That person was an idiot, and he/she should have been killed before they could ever spread this idea to the masses. I don't know why it's so important for me to get married, either, except that for some masochistic reason I want to do it. I blame society.

I like that I can complain with Remus. I can whine about James' spending and snoring, and Remus can go on probably for hours on end about Sirius leaving dishes in the sink and wet towels on the floor and dirty clothes in the living room, etc. etc. It's a good system.

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August 29, 1978

I took the girls for their bridesmaid dresses. I want to know why every dress out there needs to have flowers and bows and fabric I wouldn't dry dishes with. The entire wedding industry is against me.

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August 30, 1978

Money issues: I have given up caring.

Church or replacement: Sirius says he can handle this. (!!!!!!!!)

Bridesmaid dresses: I have found great styles in horrifyingly ugly colors.

My dress: I have a big white fluffy towel if that's what it comes to.

Guest list: Working on it. I befriended Alice at work just so I could invite her.

Style of wedding: Don't care.

Flowers: Picked out and ordered. NO LILIES.

Boss: Please drop dead. Please. Will you die if I beg?

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September 8, 1978

The Boss almost caught me copying his schedule. I told him I was taking a copy so that when he contacts me at home (not joking), I have a handy reference. I've all but begged Moody to go after him. Begging is my next step, actually.

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September 9, 1978

I am already tired of this wedding. I'm tired of the stress, I'm tired of snapping over little things, I'm tired of having arguments about everything. When you're little and you start thinking "When I get married," you aren't thinking logically, and it comes back to haunt you when you're grown up. You don't realize that this costs MONEY. You don't realize you have to work and work to make it all perfect, and it won't be perfect. All you know is you want the pretty white dress just like you saw on the telly. Little girls should be warned about this sort of thing.

I want to jump ahead in time to January.

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September 12, 1978

James has reported that the sofa is squishy enough to sleep on. He knows this because he slept there last night.

He made the mistake of mentioning that I steal the blankets at night. I was upset enough from work (if the Order wasn't getting such good information from it, I'd quit), and so I brought up his snoring. He mentioned something else, so I started sniping at him, and I have no idea how the wedding was brought up. I told him it'd be nice for him to give some input and he said something like "I don't know what to do, I've never done this before." And I have? I think we took all of our stress out on each other.

We had our apologies this morning, though. I didn't tell him I could still hear his snoring in the bedroom with the door closed.

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September 14, 1978

Mum said she'll guide me through the rest of the wedding process. I have the best mother EVER.

Sirius came through. He has a cousin who married a Muggle, and so she had to combine the wedding styles and he got all this information from her. Including this one banquet hall (in London!) run by wizards who will allow us to use their "chapel" for the wedding itself. We are not alone in our problems! Good Sirius. I like him better just for this.

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September 19, 1978

I had lunch with Peter today. I feel kind of bad for him. James was always the ringleader of their group, and Sirius is his best friend, and Remus is living with Sirius... And then there's Peter. He just doesn't seem that connected, and he doesn't really have other friends. James got held up at work and couldn't make it, but I kept the date. I think Peter is scared of me. I've seen him around girls before, so that's not it. He just has no idea what to do around me. I don't know how to make it comfortable.

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September 20, 1978

I was talking to Remus about the Peter situation. He says that James spent years and years proclaiming me to be this "angel" (his word, which he insists is James'- I'm flattered) and so Peter is completely intimidated by me. I don't think I've ever intimidated anyone before.

I like talking to Remus. I can be honest with him because he's been honest with me, so we can trust each other. I've been wondering if he's really been WITH the Order, and he says he is, but he keeps wondering what he's doing there because he doesn't know what he's doing. I kind of feel the same way, only I have a concrete job, and I'm not quite sure what Remus is doing. There are things I don't want to ask because I don't want to know, and I don't want to get anyone into trouble. I did feel better for that whole conversation, though.

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September 22, 1978

NOTE TO JAMES POTTER:

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, THE WEDDING IS OFF!!!!!!

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September 24, 1978

His face hasn't turned blue yet. Good, I guess he's not reading then. Not that I'm uncharming the book yet, though.

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September 27, 1978

James bought a television. I don't know why. I don't know why he does a lot of things. He was exposed to it at my parents' house and he went ahead and bought one. This is not good. And I don't think Sirius will ever leave.

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September 30, 1978

I may have to break the damn thing.

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October 1, 1978

My mum wants to know if James will actually brush his hair for the wedding. I tried to explain to her that it has a mind of its own and won't cooperate, but she's determined. She's seen him mess it up on purpose and thinks that it's like that all the time, that he wants it to look that way. I think she's going to start nagging him about it. I say good luck to her.

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October 2, 1978

Jane found dresses! They're a gorgeous royal blue color, and a bit frillier than I had wanted, but Jane assures me that Anne will be fine with them. That's all right by me. They're the ones who are going to have to wear them. I'm not too concerned about Petunia, after that pink nightmare I had to wear in her wedding.

I love Jane.

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October 4, 1978

James is threatening to make the boys wear kilts for the wedding. I hope he's joking. I don't even want to think about what Sirius would do with a kilt. In public.

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October 6, 1978

The boys actually got together with Peter for his birthday. I wonder if Remus talked to James and Sirius.

I had Jane and Anne over, and Alice was able to come for a while. She had Things To Do, but I'm glad she got to meet my friends. She thinks they're sweethearts. That's because Anne was being good. It was just a good night. Jane wants to bring a date to the wedding. I'm going to be amazed that Jane is A) dating someone more than once, and B) planning to be with them in December.

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October 10, 1978

This is the story of how Sirius and I got completely pissed last night. The fact that I remember is is pretty incredible.

He was over watching the stupid television with James, and James got called away for Order work. He's actually going to be gone a couple days. He left, and Sirius and I had no idea if he should stay or not, because we haven't really been in the same room before without James around. Somehow we got to talking, and we got into the alcohol. Which is evil and should be outlawed.

About three bottles of something or other later, he and I are having a completely bizarre argument over what the best Beatles album is. The fact that he insists it's not the White Album astounds me, and when I brought that up he started singing "Obla Di Obla Da" at the top of his lungs. One of the neighbor women actually came to see if I was all right. Of course I had finished off one of those bottles myself and dimly remember telling her that he was busy killing the Beatles. I was really glad this morning that no police were called. The way Sirius sings that song, by the way, is that he changes Desmond and Molly to James and Lily (though the syllabic difference between James and Desmond poses difficulty for a drunkard) and yet we keep the last name of Jones. I don't know. We then decided he and I should go on tour as a two-person Beatles cover band even though we don't play any instruments. I think (I could have imagined this) that he decided he would get all the groupies and I would be forced to leave James when John fell completely in love with me.

We went into a whole plan for this before realizing that my neighbor probably now thinks I'm having a torrid affair with Sirius. I wonder if it's bad that we both said we wanted to be there when she told James, just to see his reaction. Sirius said I wasn't his type anyway and sorry to break my fragile heart since I'm only using James to get to him. I laughed so hard I was almost sick. I like Sirius, but no. I wouldn't be opposed to setting him up, though, which he refused. After the Diana situation I can't blame him. He said the worst case scenario would be that he declares Remus his date for the wedding, just so everyone will leave him alone about it. Somehow I doubt that would help...

Oh! Don't ask me how this came up, but I asked him: seven years as James' roommate, how did he deal with the snoring? Apparently they put a silencing charm on him every night for the first five years of school, before they all got used to it. I must be daft. How did I not think of that?

I refused to let him go home, seeing as how he would have splinched himself and I would have had to explain to James why he needs a new best man. He didn't object. In fact, he was passed out on the squishy sofa roughly ten seconds later. I stuck my head in the fireplace to let Remus know, which I do not recommend doing when you have been drinking. I ended up being very sick for the rest of the night and very hung over this morning. Sirius? Woke up FINE, the bastard. I actually told him that last night he was my friend and now I despise him. He made me breakfast (toast), though, so I can't stay angry with him.

I feel better from it all, despite the fact that I've given up drinking for as long as I live. I've spent a lot of time wondering about whether or not I'm supposed to be friends with Sirius or if that was strange, or if he even liked me. I'm reasonably sure we can be friends even outside of James. After all, there's the band to worry about.

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October 11, 1978

I miss James. I don't think I've gone a while day without talking to him since we've been together, and that was almost a year ago. I haven't heard from him in two days and I have no idea when he's getting home. I'm sure Dumbledore would tell me if something had happened, and I'm sure that he's fine, but I miss him.

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October 14, 1978

James' first words upon getting home were "I hear you're having an affair with Sirius."

I don't think I realized how MUCH I missed him till he got home. He's been trying to get foreign wizards to join the fight. I can believe James as a public relations man. Anything is a good idea when James says it. He think he made some progress.

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October 15, 1978

The silencing charm worked. I'll have to send Sirius flowers or a fruit basket or something.

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October 16, 1979

Sirius asked if I really meant that bit about setting him up. I'm surprised he actually came to me about that. I'm surprised he actually remembered that. I talked to Nora at work, and I think they'll get on well. Of course, the last time I set him up, he spent the whole time ignoring the poor girl, so there will not be a double date this time. Hopefully he won't leave her at the restaurant.

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October 17, 1978

I FOUND MY DRESS. It's absolutely stunning. I went shopping with my mum and James' and I think Mum almost cried when I tried it on. It's white (I hesitated a little at that, but I'm not going to stand in front of my mother and future mother-in-law and ask for something in ivory) and has long sleeves and one of those necklines that dips a little in the middle. It's not puffy anywhere, there's only a very tasteful amount of lace, and it makes me feel like a princess. I wasn't going to get it because of the price, but James' mum had already paid for it while I was changing out of it. She told me not to tell Mum. I think I actually hugged her. So I'm a hypocrite.

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October 19, 1979

This is familiar. Nora thinks the date went well, but Sirius isn't interested in seeing her again. I don't understand it. How can you give the impression that you're interested without actually being so? He says he'd let me try again if I was interested. He's frustrating.

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October 20, 1978

Is it January yet????

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October 24, 1978

Petunia hates the bridesmaid dresses. This would be why she and I got into an argument in the middle of the shop. I hate that she can rile me like that, and I really hate that Jane and Anne had to see it. Anne, bless her heart, stepped in and told Petunia off, and then Petunia shut up about it. I love Anne.

I also got to meet Jane's boyfriend. His name is Anthony and he seems all right. Not the kind of bloke I'd expect Jane to end up with, but the same could be said about myself and James. Maybe I'll eat my words. After all, I adore Anne's boyfriend and I wasn't sure about him at first. Maybe it's because he was a Slytherin and there is that Gryffindor rivalry. I've always tried to ignore that, but every once in a while it rears its ugly head.

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October 25, 1978

His face hasn't changed colors. I guess he's not reading.

I have to admit, I'm paranoid. No one at my parents' house knew I had a diary, and they probably wouldn't have cared, unless Petunia thought she could get me into trouble. No one at Hogwarts gave it a second thought because all the girls in the dorm had one at one time or another. And now I'm marrying a troublemaker. If I'd left this diary lying around at Hogwarts, he would not only have read it, but used the information in there somehow. I know this. So I'm having a slight problem writing down my innermost thoughts here with him around. I'm not writing everything I'm thinking, which is why I'm especially not talking about the Order.

And yet he's not reading.

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October 29, 1978

It's the anniversary of our first date. He forgot.

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October 30, 1978

All right, I started a fight with him about the anniversary. He claims he didn't know we were supposed to be keeping track. It isn't as if he has a lot of dates to remember. It's one date, two days before Halloween. It's easy.

...later...

Jane agrees with me. Ha.

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October 31, 1978

Every once in a while, I remember that I'm only seventeen. I feel very old sometimes, especially in dealing with the Order and The Boss. And then when I'm trying to plan this wedding and realize I have less than two months left and I still don't know what I'm doing, I feel about seven years old.

I'm not having doubts about marrying James, but sometimes I question if I'm right to do it NOW. I wonder if we're mature enough for it. I don't think I am some days and it worries me that there'll come a time that fact will come back at us. But I started wondering if it wasn't the Voldemort situation that spurred us on and I don't know. I know I decided not to let things pass me by, but I don't think James consciously made that decision. I think he still would have proposed when he did. I started telling myself that if I hadn't made that choice, I would have told him we should wait, but that's me being stupid. I know I still would have said yes.

I don't know what the point of this entry was.

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November 1, 1978

I think I've figured it out. I had another argument with James and started really thinking about things. I think I do what's expected of me all the time. I respond to pressure. I'm one of two Muggle-borns in my year, so I try to catch up to everyone else's level and end up surpassing most of them. Everyone expected me to do well then, so I did well. I mean, you don't get to be Head Girl by getting into trouble and being irresponsible. (Though apparently that is how you get to be Head Boy.) Even when I told Dumbledore to include me in the Order, he didn't question it. He expected it. When I first expressed interest to McGonagall, she wasn't surprised. Because this is the kind of thing one would expect Lily Evans to do.

While I could probably be expected to marry my first love, the Head Boy, popular and perfect as he is, no one saw me doing it now. They didn't see me living with him first. They don't expect me to be married just after I turn eighteen. I'm defying expectations and I know it and I'm putting more pressure on myself to keep everyone happy. So I take it out on James because he's there.

This is not to say that he's innocent in all this. I am not picking on him. If there's a comment he interprets as being shirty, whether it's meant to be or not, he will start a fight. And he doesn't know when to let it go, which makes me angrier. The phrase "beating a dead horse" comes to mind.

But I think I'd be a lot more concerned if we didn't get over it like we do. The night I made him sleep on the sofa, we were joking about it the next morning. We fight, we yell, we cool off, and there it is. If one of us lets loose with a problem we have, the other person might yell back, but we'll try to make it better. Like when I yelled at him about how I was doing everything for the wedding, he actually changed that. The next day he was making appointments to get things done. When he accused me of letting The Boss rule my personal time, I told The Boss I wouldn't accept contact at home anymore because James was right and it was hurting us both. And yes, I got into trouble for saying it, but things became a bit easier.

After reading what I just wrote, I don't think I'm as worried about us being immature. I think we're actually doing something right.