November 2, 1979
Dorcas has a sister that she and I tried to put with Sirius. It's just like Diana, it's just like Nora. I give up. I haven't told him that, but I give up. He needs to be on his own for this, at least until I stop tearing my hair out with this wedding.
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November 5, 1978
Mum keeps telling me not to try to change a man, and I don't want to change James. Except for one thing. He is SPOILED. He's an only child. He's used to having money and getting what he wants. Even at Hogwarts, he got away with murder and was actually celebrated for it. I know he knows he has to work for things, but I don't think it's actually habit. I think he expects me to spoil him. He really should know better.
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November 8, 1978
A month and a half. A month and a half and I'm going to be MARRIED.
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November 12, 1978
I had a wonderful birthday. James and I actually went out by ourselves (which hasn't happened in a while, we've both been so busy) and it was just NICE to be able to spend time with him like that. Every once in a while I wonder why he puts up with me and then he looks at me like he did yesterday and I can't question anything anymore.
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November 14, 1978
I was out with Anne and Jane, and Anne told me she can't believe I can actually marry my first boyfriend, and aren't I afraid of what I'm missing? THANKS, ANNE.
It's not that I'm questioning it, but it does put a little seed in my mind, where I start wondering things. Stupid, I know.
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November 15, 1978
I asked James straight out whether he thought he was missing out on things by getting married this young. He said "I've fancied you since I was fourteen, I've loved you since I was sixteen. I think I'm lucky to know this early."
I'm going to hit Anne the next time I see her.
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November 16, 1978
I'm starting to get slightly panicky about certain things.
1. The wedding (of course)
Mum and Jane keep saying they'll take care of things, but it's in six weeks. SIX WEEKS!
2. The Order.
I'll just say that things are getting worrisome. Frank and Alice had a VERY close call and I'm a bit shaken just hearing about it.
3. The Boss.
I hate him. I am also aware that I could very possibly lose my job come December because of holiday time. He actually said I should move the wedding to the 23rd so I wouldn't cut in on the Ministry's time. I've spoken with Dumbledore about it. I hope The Boss does sack me. I'd love an excuse to say the things I've been really thinking... If I do get sacked, we should still be all right, but we don't need more trouble.
4. The way I'm making lists for EVERYTHING. This is new.
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November 18, 1978
All brides go through this, right? It's normal.
...later...
If this is normal I think society as a whole is doing something very wrong.-----
November 19, 1978
I think I've talked James into writing our own vows. The traditional ones are nice, but they don't say anything about US. He's been putting up a bit of a fight, saying he's no good with words. He had no problem using them to get me. Which was a mistake to tell him because he went on this rant about how, yes, in fact he had years and years of problems. He also thinks it's embarrassing to say those things in front of friends and family. I swear, sometimes...
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November 20, 1978
What do you write in a vow, anyway?
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November 22, 1978
There's nothing TO our story. We met, I was deeply annoyed by him, he practically stalked me, we got together, we're getting married. It doesn't really go well in words.
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November 23, 1978
James asked what I wrote about in here, because every once in a while I'll let him read over my shoulder. I was honest. He doesn't see me write about the things that might make me upset to write. The in-depth stuff. If I'm writing in front of him, it's most likely safe.
I really don't think he would read this. He's curious but knows that I tell him most of the big stuff. I think I can uncharm the book. He's going to be my husband, I have to trust him with things like this.
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November 24, 1978
I must be cracking. I just got on James' case for not writing his vows. I think I've gotten as far as "I" and I'm haranguing him.
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November 25, 1978
Vows are stupid. Why do we have to say them, anyway? Doesn't the whole ceremony say everything that needs to be said?
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November 27, 1978
I'm going to have a husband. I'm going to be somebody's WIFE. I just can't make that sound right. I just got used to calling him my fiance. I don't know how to go from that to "This is my husband, James."
Hi, I'm Lily. James' wife.
See, it's weird.
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November 28, 1978
I have too much to do and not enough time to do it and I swear sometimes I'm just waiting for all these little parts of my life to collide.
I laugh at vows. How do I have writer's block for vows?
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November 29, 1978
Bloody hell. We're doing the traditional vows. No one's going to remember whatever we come up with, anyway.
...later...
James about cheered.-----
November 30, 1978
One month. At this time next month, I will be at my wedding reception.
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December 5, 1978
The walrus is apparently putting up a fuss about coming to a wedding that has all "those people." He says it as if it's an insult. He thinks it is. It bothers me that he'll immediately dismiss good people like Remus and Peter and Dumbledore and Hagrid because they happen to be wizards. (Though I'd love to see Vernon cower in fear of Hagrid.) I do not like that he has spent so little time with us and considers us abnormal when he has seen nothing of the sort. He hasn't even seen us USE magic. And I really hate that my sister goes along with him.
She's my sister. I know we've never really gotten along, and I used to try so hard to make her like me. I just got sick of being kicked emotionally because she will never want me around. She doesn't want to be at my wedding. She has never invited me to her house. She doesn't want anything to do with me. I think if I just disappeared from her life she wouldn't even notice or care. She'd forget about me, probably pretend I didn't exist.
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December 7, 1978Thank God for Alice. I about had a breakdown at work after an argument with The Boss. I almost resigned right there. She talked me out of it, not because of the Order or anything like that, but because I know how much I can handle (that was the basic point, anyway). She's right. I signed up for this. Everything that is causing me stress is something I brought upon myself. So I should at least try to fix it before skiving off.
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December 8, 1978
Why is everyone bringing dates? Isn't it supposed to be that unless your invitation is addressed to "Mr. Whomever AND GUEST," you're not supposed to bring a date? Is this some new wedding etiquette no one informed me of?----
December 10, 1978I think James is as awestruck as I am about how this is all happening. The planning is one thing, but it's getting so very close now that it seems like it can't possibly be happening.
Twenty days. We're now under three weeks.
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December 12, 1978I really dislike Anthony. I don't know why. I've tried to like him, but I can't. I don't want to tell this to Jane, though. He seems good to her, and that's what matters. It's just there's something about him that rubs me the wrong way.
I finally asked James why he's not going out with the boys at the full moon anymore. He says he's not actually sure what Remus is doing for those nights. I think he's more worried about that than he lets on. I want to ask Remus but I think that's something for James to do, not me. I'm still kind of separate from that sort of thing.
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December 17, 1978
I think I've entered a strange half-awake coma. Remus calls it a fugue state. All right. I am completely on autopilot. I think it's either that or all my basic brain functions would cease working.
How can there still be things to do? I've been doing them for five months!
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December 20, 1978
Ten days. I still have no idea what will happen with my job. Our work for the Order (outside my work for The Boss) has been put on hold until after we get back from the honeymoon. I have so much left to do and I don't even know how to start getting it all done.
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December 22, 1978
I take back everything I've ever said about speeding up to January. I need to go back to August so everything can actually get DONE.
The bloody fugue state has fugued itself away.
I told The Boss that as of next Monday, I will be on my honeymoon and I don't really care if I lose my job over it. I've got experience now and I know people in the Ministry. I can get other positions. The Boss just said "We'll see." If he'd let me go then, I could have gotten a lot of the little last-minute preparations done...
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December 23, 1978
One week.
I was always a bit unsure of my place in the Order, but at today's meeting they actually put together a little party for us. It was incredibly sweet. Not all of them can be there next week, so they wanted to wish us well. Sometimes I can't believe I know people like this.
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December 24, 1978
I haven't written about the preparation that has gone into figuring out where to spend the holidays, but it's stress WE DON'T NEED. My family gets together on Christmas Eve, but we open presents on Christmas morning. James' family does everything Christmas Day. It sounded simple enough, we would go to my house tonight and his tomorrow. Petunia made a big deal about how she and the walrus had arranged to be there Christmas Day so they could go to Mr. and Mrs. Walrus' Parents' house. I wish I didn't actually want to get along with Petunia, because I then tried to arrange everything so we'd all be together. We even planned for a bit to have Christmas Day at our flat, so we could have both families over, but Vernon refuses to set foot in our home. I think Petunia actually might have, but that might be wishful thinking.
As it is now, we're going to my family's tonight, and his tomorrow as originally planned. James tried to tell me that at least I won't have Petunia there to irritate me. Which is true, but not seeing her at the holiday makes me feel just as bad.
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December 27, 1978
I've actually managed to lose weight these last few weeks. My dress has to be taken in now. Jane suggested performing a shrinking spell on it, but it's a small enough difference that I don't want to chance not being able to breathe in it.
I'm sure this is just the beginning of everything falling apart.
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December 28, 1978
Nothing else has gone wrong yet. I hope it does so TODAY rather than on Saturday!
...later...
A couple of people have called last minute saying they were coming even though they never RSVP'ed. There's a tear in Anne's dress that wasn't there at the last fitting. It's just a lot of little things. The flat has become wedding headquarters, which I think makes James nervous. Our mums, Jane, Anne and Alice have all been around, at least one of them over constantly. I'm so glad for all of them. It also allows me to have my tantrums at people who have to love me rather than someone who could change his mind and not show up at the altar.
The boys are taking James out for his stag night (and oh, the jokes are unending). Anne keeps asking if I'm worried. No. I trust James. He spent two years stalking (sorry, actively pursuing) me, I don't think he's going to do anything to mess that up now. Even more. I trust the boys, also. Even Sirius.
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December 29, 1978
I am so glad I talked them into doing their night last night instead of tonight. The poor boy is so sick now.
I took pictures. The nonmoving kind.
...later...
James is spending the night with Remus and Sirius. Jane and Anne are sleeping over here. We had one of our long talks like we used to do at school, which I've missed.
At this time last year, I was missing James over the school holiday, and now I'm getting married to him. Tomorrow we're actually going to do it. I'm more nervous about something going wrong than I am about actually marrying James, though that does seem strange to think about all of a sudden. And in another way it isn't a huge deal, it's as simple as keeping a dentist appointment. It's all very weird in my brain right now.-----
December 30, 1978
Oh my God. Oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God.
Well. Now that that's out of my system.
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January 7, 1979
I am writing as a married woman.
The wedding went well. Much better than I had expected it could. My poor mum cried the whole time, and so did Dad a little, though he won't admit it. James did not stop smiling through the whole ceremony. I don't think he took his eyes off of me once. Sirius was remarkably well-behaved, but that might just be because he was not wearing a kilt. (Anne was very disappointed.) I would have forgotten my vows had I written them. I think Petunia may have even smiled once. It was simple and beautiful and exactly what I had always wanted. It wasn't storybook, but it didn't need to be.
The reception was a lot of fun. James' dancing has not improved, but that's all right. My toes are all still there, I counted them. I had invited a few school friends that I almost hadn't expected to show up, but it was wonderful to see them again, especially Diana and Maggie. Maggie's actually engaged to a Muggle boy herself. I did get asked a few questions about whether or not we were planning on having children anytime soon. Oh, I get it. We're too young to get married, but now that we are, when's the baby due? We kept saying not for a while, and I hope that holds them all over for now. If it doesn't, too bad. Jane caught the bouquet. I hope it's anyone but Anthony.
The honeymoon was tropical and WARM and very nice. I'll leave it at that.
We came back to where it's cold, and got a bit of a shock. I just stared at the paper for 15 minutes wondering how to phrase this. I'm sure all the girls I've set up with Sirius would be glad to know that his rejection of them had nothing actually to do with them. (Probably.) Apparently sometime in the last week, he got together with REMUS. Actually, this wasn't a shock to James, who says he knew some things and was just kind of waiting for it. And while he seems to be all right with it, I think seeing them together and KNOWING was a shock to him. The poor boy. It is a little strange to know about this, but it reminds me of sixth year, when Anne started dating Michael O'Neill, and all of a sudden you realize your friends are dating each other. All right, it is a little weird, but I think it's just because I'm not used to this sort of thing. As long as they're happy.
So I'm married. I am home and I'm married. I had to sign something as Lily Potter, which I can't get used to yet. Bad enough I'm trying not to call James my fiance, but I have a new name.
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January 8, 1979
I've thought about it, and I had no way of knowing about Remus, but I think Sirius was actually giving me signs. I should have seen this coming, now that I think about it.
I still have a job. I told The Boss that I was leaving for a week and he didn't say anything. So I went away for a week and walked into work. It was a lot more chaotic (I guess Death Eater business piles up quickly when I'm not around) but I still worked. The Boss is really very testy, though. I can't say I'm surprised. I wonder if Dumbledore had something to do with me still being there, or if The Boss really needs me around.
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January 10, 1979
The neighbor who came to check on me when Sirius was over? The night we got very drunk? She looks as me like I'm evil, especially when she sees me with James. I bet she thinks I'm a hussy. I wonder what James said to her when she told him.
I said that I was sorry you two had started without me.
This is the man I married, who steals my diary to write it down rather than TELL me.
I suppose this explains the looks HE gets from her.
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January 12, 1979
Note to EVERYONE:
The only plan we have for children is NOT NOW.People seem to hear that you just got married and that's the first thing they ask. We're eighteen! You do not want these two 18-year-olds taking care of PLANTS, let alone babies. Someday, yes. Right now, no no no no no NO. My job has my stealing information from a Death Eater. James' role is worse, and the easy bit will require him being away for stretches of time. We live in a one-bedroom flat, and are trying to remain financially stable (that television could have paid a few bills) and we have been married for two weeks. STOP ADDING PRESSURE.
Mum, this goes for you, too.
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January 13, 1979
Just after I wrote that, James found out he's leaving for the weekend. Going to Romania, I think. I don't know who he's supposed to contact there.
I do worry about him going off like that. It's relatively safe work, making contacts and all, but who says Voldemort doesn't have his own equivalent of me, who knows James is meeting with this person or that and has his name on a list somewhere? It's probably just paranoid, but Aurors have arrested people on the information I've found. I don't even want to know what happens to people Voldemort finds out about.
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January 15, 1979
James is back in one piece. I'm more relieved than I probably should be.
Anne and Eric have broken up. She admits to adding wedding pressure to him after James and I got married. Eric panicked. The poor girl. They'd been together for over a year, too.-----
January 18, 1979
Apparently no one told Peter that Remus and Sirius are a couple. I think it was a bit of a shock for him.
I almost want to pair him together with Anne. She's having trouble because even though I think she's used to me having James, she's not used to Jane being unavailable. I know Anne won't want to do this now, but maybe later sometime.
I'm getting used to seeing Remus and Sirius together. They're actually very cute, though I get faces made at me if I say that aloud. Mostly from James. I think if it was anyone but his best friends, he'd be fine with it. He'll get used to it. As soon as they stop teasing him.