January 20, 1979

James and I have been so busy that I think we've gone out by ourselves maybe three times in the last six months, not including running errands. We went out to dinner, but we're both having a problem where we watch everyone else around us. It's six months of Auror training for him, and good old-fashioned paranoia for me.

It's a hazard of what we're doing. We're doing good things and I'm seeing how I've made a difference at least, but I want it to be over. I'm tired of the paranoia and worry and feeling like a sneak. And then I tell myself that this is bigger than me, that I'm actually doing a good job and I'm being selfish. This can't all just be over in six months. It doesn't work that way.

-----

January 21, 1979

I was talking to Alice about what I mentioned yesterday. I didn't realize SO many of the Order members have families. I think Edgar's family knows what he's doing, but Gideon's doesn't. Marlene's doesn't. I can't help but wonder what happens if something happens to them. Do their families ever find out what happened? I'm actually glad James and I are both involved. If something goes wrong, the other knows.

I remember a time when I wasn't morbid.

-----

January 26, 1979

And James is gone again. Look, I know what we're doing is important and James is needed, but I would love to be able to actually spend time with my husband! We haven't been married a full month yet and he's been gone for two weekends already. I'm tired of missing him already.

I'm done being selfish.

...later...

No, I'm not. I can see the way this is all affecting both of us. We're doing the right thing and maybe we're even saving lives, but I'd like to feel like I'm living my own life. It feels dishonest to be around Anne and Jane, who I hope NEVER find out about this. Honestly, I don't think they would ever speak to me again if they found out I'd kept this from them. I feel bad seeing my parents, knowing they don't know. I find it really weird that James' friends are all in on this, and I think his parents know, but no one on my side does. And while it doesn't seem fair, I also understand it all and know it's no one's fault and there's really no point in complaining.

I trust Dumbledore. I do. I know he doesn't want to see anything happen to us. But God, I hate that I put my life into someone else's hands on this. I feel out of control, and I want James HERE because I can talk to him about this. He understands. But he won't tell Dumbledore he's not going on one of these trips, just like I wouldn't if I were in his position. I keep telling myself, it's bigger than me. This is not about me, or James, or any single one of us. It's about doing what has to be done, and I have to sit back and let it all happen.

-----

January 27, 1979

If I could talk to him during these weekends, I would feel so much better.

-----

January 29, 1979

I can't even remember what I was doing at this time last year.

-----

January 30, 1979

I'm perpetually in a bad mood this week. Anne's still not taking her breakup well, and I tried to be there for her, but after a while I couldn't take it anymore. With everything that's happening, it feels wrong to have a conversation that I could have had in school. And I know that's wrong of me. I can't expect everyone else's lives to come to a standstill because I'm feeling bitchy. I certainly expected everyone to drop everything for me during the wedding process. I'm just stupid sometimes.

-----

February 3, 1979

Why can't anyone do anything about The Boss? There's sufficient evidence to take him to trial and stick him in Azkaban. The more I find out, the more I HATE working for him. I question why he even LETS me work for him, given the fact that my parents are Muggles. There has to be a way of getting this information without him.

-----

February 4, 1979

Well, I think I have officially scared McGonagall. (I still can't call her Minerva. I just can't. I tried once and it became Min-Gonagall and it was embarrassing.) I went on a rant about The Boss in front of her. She reminded me that if The Boss did go to trial, I would have to testify how I got all of this information, which could place the Order in jeopardy. Not to mention I would have to come out as a member, and the best case would be that I couldn't find another job like this because I sent my employer to prison. She has a point, damn her. She thinks it's all getting to me, which might be true. I'd like to be back on holiday with James, where it was just us and none of this could bother us.

I must look so young to them.

------

March 25, 1979

I don't even know how to talk about what's gone on, but I need to.

James and I have not only seen Voldemort, but we faced him down. We fought him. It was a trap meant for James, I wasn't supposed to be there. He brought me along one one of those trips so we could spend time together. He says he's a bit flattered that Voldemort would come for him himself. It was good that I was there, but I kept thinking about what would have happened if I wasn't, and would I have been contacted by someone to tell me that James was dead.

I can't handle that thought. I don't want to hear that from anyone, EVER. The thought of being expected to go on with my life without him is something I can not deal with right now.

I stood in front of the most evil wizard alive. I'm surprised I could even act. I didn't think about it at the time, but afterwards I fell apart. The thought that he had tried to kill James really HIT right then. I think I was still shaking three days later. It wasn't even that I should have been killed, it was all about James for me. I just had to take some time to deal with it, and be with James. Precautions have been taken to keep us safe. Dumbledore actually advised me not to go back to work, but I did. Voldemort was after James, not me. I wasn't supposed to be there, and The Boss doesn't know I know he's in league with Voldemort. He can't be sure I know what James is doing. I have to be more careful, but that's all right. I feel a bit as if I've done my part for once. I'm rationalizing.

What got me writing, though, is that Mum is sick. She has been for a while, at least since I was at school. They didn't want to tell Petunia and me because she got married, and then I did, so they didn't want to spoil our time. I asked my dad what happens if she dies and he said "There's no what if about it." They weren't going to tell us, but the doctors told them how bad it really was and gave her a time limit. I'm kind of deadened to all of it. I was surprised at how upset Petunia was, but then I wasn't surprised at all. I don't know how to handle it and I don't know what to say to anyone. I don't want to know how long she has, but I hate not knowing. I don't think I'm having the reaction everyone expects me to have, but what is that, exactly? Should I have screamed and cried? Should I have promised to be there through it all? Would that make everything better? I think my reaction was actually "Oh."

I know it's going to hit me later. It's inevitable, I think. I just can't get used to the idea that she's probably not going to be alive at the end of the year.

-----

March 28, 1979

At least she's not going to have to ever know what I'm doing.

-----

March 30, 1979

It hit. Hard. James actually had to take the day off because I was so upset. It just came crashing down on me and it was like I couldn't breathe anymore. I was prepared to see death, yes, but I expected it to be quick and violent, to people who knew it was a possibility. It's not supposed to be a year of suffering. Not to my mother. Then I think of Dad and what he's going through.

I want something to be fair, just for once. Something. Anything. Innocent Muggles get tortured, good people lose their lives, and yet Death Eaters walk free. People are suffering and I can't do anything about it, but it feels like everyone expects me to. They all expect something of me and I don't know what to give them. I can't react like anyone wants me to and there's nothing I can do about that.

-----

March 31, 1979

How can someone put a time limit on your life anyway? How can anyone say "You have six months to live" while not knowing anything about that person? Don't people bounce back from things like this? They're told they have a month and then live for another six years.

-----

April 1, 1979

Doctors are stupid. They don't know anything.

-----

April 2, 1979

She's not going to bounce back from this, is she?

-----

April 3, 1979

I don't know how to see Mum right now. Now that I know what's wrong, I can't believe I didn't see it before. I don't know how long she has, so I know everything I say to her might be the last time I say it, and it adds a weird pressure to it all. It's uncomfortable and then I feel like a horrible daughter. I don't know what to so and I don't know what to say. I'm completely helpless, and selfish, and I HATE it. I want her to be fine. I want this to be some horrible joke cooked up by James and Sirius in a fit of insanity. I'd forgive them if it was. Anything has to be better than what's really happening.

-----

April 4, 1979

It's horrible to be jealous of people with two healthy parents, isn't it?

-----

April 7, 1979

Today was actually all right. Bordering on good. It's Sirius' birthday, so he had us and Peter over all day at his flat. I think they were actually trying to cheer me up, if not take my mind off everything. It worked for a while. At one point Sirius was standing in front of the record player saying "Not that song, or that one... God, these blokes are depressing. How about this album?"

As for the band, Peter is now our groupie. James would be, but he's living off of the money he got in the divorce and being jealous of my new husband, John Lennon.

I don't think I've laughed like that in months.

-----

April 10, 1979

James is going away for the weekend. It's the first time since February. I hate that he has to go, and that all I'm going to do is worry because he was almost killed last time. I hate that Dumbledore would even send him.

...later...

And Dumbledore sends him because James asks to go. There will be an argument.

-----

April 13, 1979

James is gone for another trip. He assures me there's no way for anyone to know it'll be him that's going, and he'll be perfectly safe, but that doesn't matter. Well, it does. I wanted to know why he would volunteer to go. I understand the whole noble sacrifice thing, I know that he has been solidly against Voldemort since this whole mess started. I know that James doesn't back down from anything he feels strongly about. I know all this, but I want a different answer.

He gave me a two-way mirror, so we can communicate. It makes me feel better, but I have a feeling I'll panic if he goes three hours without contacting me.

-----

April 14, 1979

Jane says I don't call her anymore. I had to tell her about Mum. I almost told her everything.

-----

April 15, 1979

I think I have a new respect for Petunia. She's really been there for Mum. I wish I could be there more, but it's not always possible. Petunia makes snide comments about it to me, but she's being wonderful to our mother. And honestly, I think she does know how hard this is for me.

I'm trying to be there for Dad. I've always been closer to him. It's not easy, though. He doesn't want to deal with it all so I get pushed away, and I don't really have anything to DO, but I'm supposed to do something.

-----

April 16, 1979

James asked if I wanted to go away for the weekend, just us, no Order. I want to, but if something happens to Mum, I want to be accessible. She's getting bad. I shouldn't be noticing the difference in her like I am. If you see someone this often, you're not supposed to notice subtle changes unless they're not subtle.

I wonder if hearing you only have so long is kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. You hear you have six months to live and you start thinking you have to die in six months. Maybe that's what's happening.

-----

April 17, 1979

Who am I kidding. My parakeet died when I was eight and no one could talk to me for weeks.

-----

April 18, 1979

I want it over. She's suffering and my dad is suffering and so is Petunia. None of us should have to keep going through this. Is that horrible of me? I just don't want to see my mum degenerate any more. I just don't. She doesn't deserve this.

-----

April 19, 1979

I wonder if you know when you're going to die. Is there a moment where you know what's happening? Does your life really flash before your eyes? Or is it just over?

-----

April 21, 1979

Mum wanted to talk with me today. I kind of knew this was coming. I just didn't think it would happen so soon. She told me how proud she is of me and how she only wants me to be happy... I really didn't want to cry in front of her, but I did. Like a little baby. I don't think I've cried like that in front of her since I left for Hogwarts first year. She must know how bad she is.

-----

April 23, 1979

Yesterday James talked me into just staying home. Not going to my parents' or to do more Order work that I don't need to be doing. I think I needed that. I just needed a day alone with the very-alive man I love, trying to feel my age for once.

It worked for a while.

-----

April 25, 1979

Mum was admitted to a hospital last night. The doctors say it could be a week, it could be hours.

-----

April 27, 1979

I quit my job yesterday, because The Boss wouldn't give me time off to see my mum. I blew up at him and walked out. I actually got applause. Today he begged me to come back. I did, as long as I can leave when I need to. James keeps telling me I don't need the job, but I do. Doing that gives me something to focus on.

-----

April 28, 1979

Petunia and I had a nearly-civil conversation at the hospital. It was strange to get along for fifteen minutes.

I've decided I hate hospitals. If I never set foot in another one as long as I live, I'll be happy.

-----

April 29, 1979

I almost wish she wasn't holding on like she is. It's prolonging everyone's pain. Mostly her own. Dad says she's not ready to die. I didn't realize anyone got a choice in the matter.

-----

May 1, 1979

She fell asleep this morning and hasn't woken up yet. They don't think she will.

-----

May 2, 1979

She died at 6:30 this morning. Dad was with her.

-----

May 9, 1979

This whole week has just been...

At times, James can be very good with people who are falling apart. I can say this because I did. I thought I was prepared. I've been waiting for it to happen. I was all right at the hospital, and then the word "funeral" was mentioned and I had to leave the room to have my nervous breakdown. I don't think anyone expected me to be THAT upset. I've been storing it up for two months. Longer, actually. Petunia and I agreed that Dad should not have to make all the arrangements and that we would handle it. She actually did most of the work after seeing me come apart.

It's all over. We had the wake and the funeral, and now it's a matter of taking care of Dad. I'd never seen him cry before. I hope I never see it again.

It's horrible to say, but it's almost a relief. We all knew it was going to happen, we all got our goodbyes. It dragged on for almost too long, but I think we all mostly went through the grieving process before she was even dead. I had my breakdown and now I can throw myself into everything else without feeling guilty.

...later...

All right, a little guilty.

-----

May 11, 1979

I haven't really talked all that much with Marlene, but she told me today how she admired the way I handled it. (I don't.) Her father died a year ago, so we were able to share her stories and it helped.

-----

May 12, 1979

He attempted to make breakfast this morning. James? Can't cook. The Muggle way, the magical way, or otherwise. He just can't, it's like the one thing he isn't good at. (Well, shopping.) He can pick up a telephone and order a pizza. But he tried. He looked so cute with pancake batter on his nose.

With all that's been happening, I feel like I haven't been there enough for James, or given him enough credit for all he's been doing. If it wasn't for him, I would not be standing right now. Even when he doesn't know what to do, he tries, and that means so much. I'm so glad I married him. I love him so much. I don't think he knows.

-----

May 14, 1979

I have to say that Sirius trying to traumatize James is probably the funniest thing I have ever seen.

-----

May 17, 1979

I ran into Severus in Diagon Alley. I haven't seen him since school ended. He really didn't seem to want to talk to me, though. I don't suppose he would.

I don't understand what turns James into a child when he hears about Severus. I just don't get it. He can't give me a concrete answer, either, or at least not one that doesn't make him sound horribly immature. The reason he doesn't like Anthony is because he's a Slytherin and the reason he doesn't like Severus is because he's Severus. I can see why Severus hated James, I really can. I defended him enough to James. I don't know. We don't see him anymore, there's really no reason for me to be this annoyed.

-----

May 18, 1979

I feel like I'm starting to get my bearings back. Yes, I'm still worried that Voldemort is going to show up at our door. Yes, I'm still trying very hard to keep The Boss from finding out what I'm doing. Yes, I miss my mum. But I'm starting to feel like myself again, like I'm getting to the point where I'm feeling normal.

I have not experienced this domestic bliss everyone keeps telling me about. It's more like domestic chaos.

-----

May 19, 1979

James and I are making plans to get away. Just for a weekend. We talked about it before my mother died (that looks weird) but didn't get to do it. He apparently knows a place in Wales that he wants to take me to. As long as it's not here, I'll go just about anywhere.

I mentioned the domestic chaos, and it's true. I don't think we've actually gotten the chance to really be newlyweds. We got married and it was immediate STRESS. And I can't even blame it on one of us! It's everything around us. This gets frustrating.

-----

May 26, 1979

After the Order meeting, James and I went out for drinks with the boys. Which is about all I remember of the night. I hadn't eaten and I think I was feeling a little self-destructive. James and Sirius were worse. They had to be. I don't care what Remus and Peter say. Actually, I owe Remus something shiny for getting us all home. We ended up staying at his and Sirius' place for the night, and this morning Remus told us stories about what we did. Maybe. I think he's playing with us. I highly doubt I actually danced on the table, and no, I'm not reenacting that scene for any of them. Yes, even you, James. Less reading, more back rub.

...later...

All right, I HOPE I didn't do that.