May 27, 1979
It's almost been a month since Mum died. I don't know why it seems like longer.Dad isn't calling and that worries me. I actually called Petunia to see if she had heard from him, but she hasn't. It makes me feel better to know I'm not alone in worrying.
...later...
I went to check on Dad, who keeps insisting that he's fine and he just hasn't felt like talking. I wonder if this happens to a lot of people who lose someone that close. I almost hope so, if that means this will pass.
Should I still feel as bad as he does?
-----
May 30, 1979
Nearly
got caught at work. I've been shaky ever since. Sometimes I wonder if
I really am doing the right thing here. I know I'm doing the RIGHT
THING, but is it right for me? How far am I actually willing to go
for this?
I don't know why I'm asking. I know the answer.
-----
May 31, 1979
I'm leaving tomorrow, straight from work. THANK GOD. I couldn't take much more of this week.
-----
June 3, 1979
James and I got back from our trip to find that someone had broken into our flat. They didn't take anything, which really says that this wasn't some random Muggle burglary. The fact that they didn't touch the television says it all, I think. They did some ransacking, but all of the Order information is with Dumbledore and this book was with me, so they couldn't get to anything besides our old paperwork (mainly bills). They didn't take any of that.James and I have been talking about leaving this place, finding somewhere else. We don't HAVE to be in London and someone knows where we are. I don't think we'll actually leave, though. I think whoever did it knew we would be gone. They might be watching us. If someone was going to kill us, they would have done it. The fact that they didn't doesn't mean they can't. The problem is that James and I are so stubborn. This is OUR home and neither of us want to be driven out of it. I know that's stupid, but we can be found anywhere we go. If that's the case, we would both rather be somewhere that we want to be.
-----
June 4, 1979
Sometimes I bait The Boss, looking for a reaction. I tell him that my flat was ransacked over the weekend and I get no reaction whatsoever. I wonder if he had anything to do with it.
-----
June 5, 1979
Dumbledore knows some protective wards to put up on the flat. We should be safe while we're there. It is a relief. James' friends have been over quite a bit the last few days. It's comforting knowing that they're there to protect us.-----
June 9, 1979
I left Hogwarts almost a full year ago. It seems unreal. What a difference a year makes.
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June 10, 1979
I have the best husband. I am feeling the effects of a bad week (again- it seems to be all I have) and so last night he decided to cheer me up. With sock puppets. Really. He drew faces on a pair of his socks with a marker, and they had a conversation. I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. He doesn't know how to deal with other people's problems, so he takes you out of it until you realize your problems aren't so bad when you compare them to someone so obviously mentally damaged.
-----
June 13, 1979
Oh my God. The sock puppet story had gotten around. Remus' socks were donated to the show last night, albeit against his will. They may all well be insane.
Peter seems to be doing better. He's not so obviously following James and Sirius anymore. I don't think he can. James went one way, Sirius went another, so who does he follow? Probably James, but he can't. I don't worry about Peter so much anymore. I'm glad for that.
There's just something about the thought of Remus going home with little smiley faces on his feet that makes me giggle.
-----
June 14, 1979
Jane still doesn't think I want to be around her. I would want to if she didn't bring up every problem I've had over the last six months (that she knows about) every time I see her. James' friends (I have to stop that. Sirius yelled at me about that and assured me I've been adopted.) see all the REALLY bad things. They know about Voldemort, they know about the break-in, they know why I still bother going to work. And yet I don't think about that kind of thing when it's the five of us. Jane somehow reminds me of that, which I hate. She's my best friend and it's hard to be around her.-----
June 17, 1979
Tonight was the first time I've ever been serenaded. By a socket puppet. Singing "Hey Jude." By JAMES. Who doesn't know all the words, or the tune.
I need to get him off of this obsession, I really do.
-----
June 20, 1979
We had my dad over for dinner yesterday. It got him smiling, at least. I think James sometimes forgets that my dad is MY DAD and he says things without thinking. He probably wouldn't get away with it if Dad didn't like him so much.-----
June 22, 1979
The boys came over for James' birthday last night. I decided not to drink anything because I don't want to be accused of dancing on any more tables, and I've found that being the sober one is actually more fun. Because they're insane. Next time I'll have a camera ready.
-----
June 27, 1979
New names are appearing on The Boss' schedule, and I recognize some of the names as people I went to school with.
-----
July 7, 1979
There's a photo of all the Order members now. Remus mentioned later that it might not be the safest thing, at which point James and Sirius accused him of losing the Marauder spirit. I'm not sure Remus will let them get away with that.
I don't think I've ever seen all of us together in one place before. Usually one person or another is on Order business. There aren't that many of us, which feels a bit daunting. I won't dwell on that. We're all doing a lot of excellent work, which is more impressive given the small number of people. It's extremely amusing to see Dumbledore and his brother together. Weird bloke, Aberforth. I think he was serious when he came on to me. Overall, it was definitely the best meeting we've had. It was nothing but good news, and everyone had a good time, and we have a record of it.-----
July 9, 1979
I hate work. I think it's been a while since I've stated that, but I do. I hate The Boss. I've almost been at this job for a year and I want an award for my perseverance.
-----
July 12, 1979
James doesn't really talk much about Auror training, but I think sometimes it wears on him more than he lets on. I know it's hard work. So few people are admitted into the program and fewer actually make it through. I'm surprised he doesn't complain more. Or at least, he doesn't complain to me.
-----
July 13, 1979
Double dates with Frank and Alice are a good thing, and we need to do that more often.-----
July 18, 1979
I've got quite a few pages left in this book, considering I have been using it for over a year. I haven't been writing as often as usual, though.
I love watching James with Gideon's children. I think the girl has a crush on him. I want all of this to be over so I can put more thought into this. But right now, I can't.
...later....
All right, I can THINK about it, but not seriously.
...later...
I can think about it seriously but I can NOT tell James.
-----
July 22, 1979
Marlene's been killed. Marlene and her whole family. Death Eaters showed up at her house this evening.
-----
July 27, 1979
I've never been to a funeral for a friend before. This is the second funeral I've been to in three months.
I think I thought we were all safe. James and I escaped from Voldemort, Frank and Alice have done so twice, and we think we're invincible now. Why else would I dream of staying at the flat that had been ransacked? I don't think we comprehend it all. I'm eighteen and I have a new husband and that means I can't die. Well, Marlene was in her thirties with a husband and two children. Why should it be her? Why should it have been her husband and two children? They didn't ask for this. If something happens to me or James, at least we know WHY. We'll be half-expecting it. I wonder if Marlene expected it.
-----
July 28, 1979
I almost never want to set foot outside again. I wouldn't be against it just being me and James and not having to deal with ANY of this. Are the sock puppets going to come out every time I'm upset?
Yes. Every time. They love you, Lily.
They smell.
LIAR!
Sniff them, I dare you. See, you won't.
They've been washed. See where the black is faded?
I'm divorcing you.
What if Little Jimmy wants to live with you?
Tell me you're talking about the puppet.
DIRTY GIRL!-----
August 2, 1979
There should be laws against this kind of heat. Can I speak to Parliament about this?
Things are I think getting back to normal. Immediately after Marlene was murdered all of the work for the Order just stopped, in case of another attack. We're starting to go on now. James is headed to Ireland or someplace this weekend. I was worried, but Sirius is going with him, and I will be staying with Remus because James is worried about me. No one expects any danger, but after Marlene, we don't want to take any chances.
-----
August 5, 1979
I'm always uncomfortable staying with someone else. I'm having a good time with Remus, though. I feel like we don't get to spend as much time together. I think he's gotten used to keeping people at a distance. I don't know if the other members of the Order know he's a werewolf, but he doesn't bring it up at all. If someone asks if he can do something on the night of the full moon, he'll immediately have an excuse ready, and it sounds completely plausible. He's a scarily good liar, which isn't a surprise talent for a Marauder to have, but it's the reason why that's so sad.
Enough being depressing. I like Remus. Fun, no being depressing.-----
August 8, 1979
James and I actually went on duty together last night. It was just staking out a few offices at the Ministry under the invisibility cloak. Dumbledore has us all going in pairs, otherwise one of us could have handled it alone. There isn't much to say about it, just that if I was going to be hiding with my husband under that cloak, I'd rather it be for other reasons. Knowing why we were there was odd. James kept saying things to me like, "And you say I never take you out anymore."
-----
August 13, 1979
I. HATE. MY. JOB.
-----
August 15, 1979
I wonder if The Boss knows what I'm doing and that's why he's passive-aggressively trying to make my life hell.
-----
August 19, 1979
James is now actively trying to get me to find another job. I don't HAVE to work, but I feel what I'm doing is important and I don't want to give up something that's helping the Order because I'm tired. I'm sure there are other things I can do for them, but I have found more information doing what I'm doing than I had ever expected. With the right leads, Death Eaters have been caught. I've been able to do this for a year without being caught. I'm doing something right and I don't want to risk anyone else doing it.
I almost think I'm talking myself into staying.
-----
August 23, 1979
Given Petunia's relationship with Dad, and with Mum gone, I don't actually think I'm going to ever have reason to see her again.
-----
August 25, 1979
Sometimes it's just nice to wake up an hour before I have to and just lay there with James' arm around me. Even if I do have to move it from over my neck first. Every once in a while I'm amazed that I am where I am. If you'd have told me even two years ago that James Potter would make me this happy, I never would have believed it.
I wish that things could be normal sometimes. We don't have a lot of the normal couple fights because we can't really be a normal couple. It worries me and it doesn't. On one hand, we know that we can survive his snoring and my intended affair with a certain Beatle because we've dealt with so much worse. But when this is over with Voldemort, then what? How do you become a normal couple without practice?
I won't worry about it. I love James and he makes me happy. That's really all that matters.
-----
August 29, 1979
I hate The Boss. He is BAD. HATE him.
...later...
I was actually talking like that when I first got home. I think James was really concerned.
-----
September 1, 1979
I had to run an errand for The Boss this morning that took me past King's Cross. I got to see a lot of kids and their parents rushing into the station to catch the Hogwarts Express. I don't think I was ever that little.
Then I think about Marlene's son would have been on that train as a second year. I wonder how his absence will affect the other students.
-----
September 3, 1979
Dad's birthday today. He didn't want to do anything for it. He didn't even want me to come over. I want to see him happy and all right and I don't know how to make that happen.
-----
September 7, 1979
Remus is in the hospital. He used to end up in the hospital wing when we were at school but I think it was just Madam Pomfrey wanting to be sure he was all right every month. James says he's seen worse, but he seems pretty shaken. I think he feels bad that he wasn't there, and yet Remus needs medical attention now. He'll be fine, it's nothing life-threatening (in fact, he blames it on Sirius' overreaction and gets testy if you don't immediately agree), but I wonder if this isn't just another case of everything getting to all of us. He admitted once to getting worse injuries in times of stress, so maybe this says something. I just don't know what to do about it. We're all under enormous pressure, but what does stopping mean?
-----
September 11, 1979
We saw Remus at the Order meeting. He looks all right, mostly. He kept getting questions about where he had been and looked tired and uncomfortable about it. So James and Sirius started coming up with really elaborate stories that couldn't have possibly ever happened, like how Remus fell off the Eiffel Tower or faced down a herd of stampeding elephants. (Remus liked the elephant story because it makes him look brave, where the Eiffel Tower one just makes him look clumsy.) People stopped asking eventually. I wish he didn't have to make excuses all the time.
-----
September 12, 1979
James doesn't seem to be at all exhausted about Auror training until he realizes the date and says "Only two more years to go."
Another Muggle couple was tortured and killed this week. Sometimes it all just seems futile. I don't believe any of the Death Eaters are actually under the Imperius Curse. I believe they are just the other side of the coin to people like me and James and Alice and Edgar. If something were to happen to Dumbledore, I sure as hell wouldn't give up and say "Oh, well, I guess that's it." So even if we can get rid of Voldemort, what about all of his followers? Would they carry on the fight or would they run and hide? Either way, can we actually get all of them? There's just so much.
-----
September 13, 1979
I went out with Anne and Jane, which I haven't done in over a month. It was good to spend some time with the girls when no one's saying "So how are you REALLY doing?" Anne's got a new boyfriend and seems to be happy, but I kind of miss her with Eric. They were just good together. I don't know. I'm supposed to go to the cinema with Anne tomorrow as my early birthday present to her. She's never been and I haven't gone for a while, plus I don't get a lot of Anne time anymore.
-----
September 14, 1979After a truly horrendous day at work, I met up with Anne. I think we talked through the whole film. She doesn't like Anthony either. I just keep thinking about how Maggie West is engaged, Jane seems to be getting close and Anne wanted to be. I know I was engaged at seventeen, but I don't think it's for everyone. James and I can't have a really normal marriage because of everything else going on, and luckily it works for us. I wouldn't want to see Jane or Anne in a marriage at our age because I know how they both are. Especially Anne. That sounds horrible and hypocritical of me.Anne sort of knows what's going on. She started out with "I know you hate hearing this, but how are you really?" She's known things are happening, but I said they're all things I can't tell her. I think she knows everything, but she didn't admit to it. She asked if it was dangerous, and I said maybe. I lied right to her face because I KNOW it's dangerous. Anne just nodded and said that I can always talk to her. We left it at that, but I'm so relieved to admit even just that.
-----
September 16, 1979
I can't believe how much better I feel. James' friends (no, the boys. Sorry) know how hard this is for all of us, but know someone REALLY knows that I'm not all right with everything. They know because they know it, too, but I mean someone outside all of this. Ask me how I'm doing and I'll say I'm fine, but I am TIRED. I get angry with what is happening. I am frustrated. I am scared. I'm honestly not doing too well. James knows this, but he's involved. He's not a reason or anything, but he's a part of it. I think I needed someone who is separate from this whole mess to know how I feel.
-----
September 23, 1979
I'm TIRED of this. I AM TIRED. I am sick of seeing bad things happen to people who don't deserve it, and I'm tired of always having to be SCARED.
James and I stopped off at Dorcas' shop to get some things from her for duty tonight and we walked in on Voldemort attacking her. We couldn't do anything to save her. I thought James was actually going to attempt to fight Voldemort to the death, which is what it would have come to. If there had been Death Eaters around, we wouldn't have made it out of there alive. As it was, Voldemort went for Dorcas alone.
Dumbledore doesn't want me to go back to work. I don't care. I'm not stopping. James and I could have been in Diagon Alley, in that store, for anything. It doesn't name me as a member of the Order.
I'm worried for James. Voldemort went after him before, so I don't want to think about what will happen now. James knows this, too. I doubt I'm in any serious danger (besides being James' wife) but this is twice now. And the fact that he stood up to Voldemort the way he did...
I've never seen anyone die before. I've been to funerals, seen dead bodies, but I've never seen someone alive one minute and dead the next. It didn't look like anything had happened to her. She looked like she could have been sleeping.
-----
September 24, 1979
Voldemort probably knows me now. He's seen me twice. If he's smart, he'll find out what he can about me. If he knows James is in the Order, which he obviously does, he might figure after seeing him twice, I might join up...
I blame Peter for everything I just wrote.
-----
September 25, 1979
I took yesterday off of work, and then came in this morning. I told The Boss how I just happened to be there and how scared I was, which was partially true. I don't think he knew how to deal with me crying all over the office (which was an act, I think, but good catharsis) so he seemed really concerned. I THINK it was genuine. Either way, I think I convinced him that I was oblivious to all of this, but I don't know whether or not I did James any good.
-----
September 27, 1979
I
have a feeling I don't know exactly what Dorcas was doing for the
Order. Voldemort tends to go after the people who are really hurting
him (like how James was consistently getting potential Voldemort
contacts onto our side first) but I have to wonder exactly what was
going on. What is bad enough that Voldemort thinks you are worth a
personal visit? How hard do you actually have to hit him?
I
need to stop thinking.
-----
September 28, 1979
I was able to give Anne the same story I gave The Boss. She might know why we were at the shop without me telling her, but she can't know anything definite. It was good to be able to get some things off my chest, at least.Jane called me. Yes, CALLED, maybe she figured the Floo Network wasn't safe. She talked me through a lot of things. She hasn't figured anything out (which I admit bothers me a little) and I'm not going to tell her.
I know Dumbledore had a long talk with James, but I have no idea what was said. I'm worried about James' physical safety, but I'm really worried about HIM. Sirius has noticed it, too. He's just bothered and I want to help but I don't know how. I'm not used to seeing this from him.
-----
September 30, 1979
He's definitely having nightmares. He does this weird jerking awake thing and then doesn't get back to sleep for a long time. It wakes me up, but I try not to let him know that.
-----
October 3, 1979
James and I had a really long talk last night about what's happening. We again threw around the idea that we should leave our flat, maybe England altogether. Maybe settle somewhere else in Britain. I doubt we will. Nothing's happened to us yet and I would expect Voldemort to strike hard and fast. Why wait for us to fall into a false sense of security? James admitted he's worried about something happening to me. I wasn't supposed to be there the first time, though it was a good thing I was. And this time he asked if I wanted to stay behind and go on home while he went to Dorcas' shop, though I don't see why he's blaming himself based on that. Just being in the Order is enough to get us killed, but I work covertly while James is practically an open target. And yes, if they go after James they won't care if they kill me as well. It doesn't matter to me. I mean, I don't want to die, but I don't want James to feel responsible for my well-being. He's my husband, not my father. I am an adult and any choices I make are my own, and I alone am responsible for them.
Maybe I should just read this entry to him because I can't seem to say any of this correctly out loud.
-----