October 5, 1979

I've been worried about Dad. Not just because of Mum, but because of Voldemort. I've asked Petunia to check in on him more. I have a feeling it does more harm than good for me to be there that often.

James seems a little better outwardly, but he's still having nightmares. I finally asked him about it when it woke me up last night, but he wouldn't tell me. He's out tonight with the boys at the full moon. With what happened to Remus last month, I think he felt he had to. Hopefully it'll do him some good.

-----

October 6, 1979

Severus' name showed up on one of The Boss' lists. This doesn't mean he's a Death Eater. If The Boss only knew of Death Eaters, he'd be a bit obvious. I don't know why I want this to be wrong. Maybe because I defended him so much in school. Maybe he's doing this because of James. Maybe he's doing it to get back at him and Sirius.

I'm being stupid.

I reported it to Dumbledore, of course. I felt really bad about it. I still do.

...later...

I am NOT telling James about this.

-----

October 8, 1979

Peter had plans, so we didn't get to take him out for his birthday until tonight. It was really nice to just be with friends and forget what was going on, if only for a few hours.

-----

October 9, 1979

I'll ignore that James sat against the wall all last night and kept scanning the crowd the whole time.

-----

October 13, 1979

Oh my God. I just got a call from Jane that started "Guess what I just did?" She got MARRIED. She and Anthony eloped. I don't think I have words for this.

-----

October 16, 1979

I feel bad for Anne. Jane is suddenly all about her new impromptu marriage. Now, Jane had three dates all through school. One was a forced double date, one was the result of blackmail, and one was willing but so bad that she seriously considered converting to Catholicism just to become a nun. And now a year out of Hogwarts, she's married. And Anne is the single friend. She just has rotten luck in this department. This was always the one thing I thought I could count on Jane NOT to do. I thought Anne would be the one to elope without telling anyone first. I think Anne thought that, too.

I need to find a way to help everyone in my life. This makes it official.

-----

October 18, 1979

James says I'm no good at sock puppet theater. My voice for Little Jimmy is all wrong. He smiled, though.

-----

October 20, 1979

I learned an important lesson, and I was glad I could remedy this. We had Frank and Alice over and of course the conversation turns to Order matters. (Alice and I can get along as people in general, but James and Frank immediately turn to the one thing they have in common.) From there, Voldemort came up in conversation. This is not a subject you want to bring up with James anymore. So I got a hold of Remus and Sirius and practically begged them to come over. It really did help and I'm so grateful they came. I don't really know what to do anymore, and I think Sirius knows how to find that out. Thank God.

I was the one shaken up in February, and now it's James' turn. I know I got through it because I had another crisis to distract me, but I've never seen James like this. I suppose it's something you get used to in the course of a relationship, but I don't know what to do. I feel out of my league.

-----

October 25, 1979

James seriously suggested getting together with "Mr. and Mrs. Slytherin." I almost think he wants to prank Anthony. I REALLY hope he's grown out of that.

-----

October 27, 1979

He hasn't. He really hasn't. It was a series of small pranks that Anthony actually laughed at for a while. Then as they were leaving, James tells me "Wait till you see what I did to his broom."

I didn't look. I didn't ask. I hope no one ever tells me.

-----

October 28, 1979

I spent the day with Jane and Anne. Mostly apologizing to Jane. Then I got to stop a fight between the girls. When Anne calls her "Mrs. Nott," she's not being cute about it. Jane accused her of being jealous and spiteful, Anne said she'd made the biggest mistake of her life for the first bloke who looked at her twice, and I got to mediate and pretend they both didn't have valid points.

It is better than some of the other issues I have to deal with.

Strangely enough, James seems to feel better after his stunt last night. I'm glad for it, but I am disturbed that my seemingly adult husband gets his jollies pranking Slytherins. He says I should be glad it wasn't a full-on Marauder prank. Believe me, I am.

He forgot the first date anniversary again. I've decided not to try this one.

-----

October 30, 1979

I think Jane and Anne are talking again. They're not talking nicely, but it's a start.

-----

November 2, 1979

James left for Norway today. I have no idea what's in Norway, but he looked nervous about it for the first time. I wanted Sirius to go with him, but Sirius is on some mission in Egypt or someplace, and I don't think James trusts anyone as much as Sirius.

...later...

He's already reported in once via mirror.

-----

November 3, 1979

Remus keeps checking in on me, and so has Peter once or twice. I was going to stay with Remus like I did before, but I'm tired of feeling like I have to be protected. There are wards on the flat, I've been speaking to James, Remus, Peter, Dad, Alice and even Moody, and I am fine.

I want James home, though.

-----

November 5, 1979

James homecomings are always good. He looks so happy to see me, and there's something to that first hug and kiss, like it's a reassurance. "I am all right." I usually don't notice how anxious I've been until I see him and it all goes away.

-----

November 7, 1979

Sometimes the fact that I'm still at my job amazes me. I'm impressed with my own tenacity.

-----

November 9, 1979

The bastard does it on PURPOSE, I swear. He tries to make me think I did it all wrong, and that's his way of humiliating me. I gave him an ultimatum. He treats me better or I quit. He told me he'd have to think about it. FINE.

-----

November 11, 1979

If I'd had to go to work on my birthday, I would have cried. Instead, I spent the day with James, ordering out for food because he wouldn't let me cook today and the alternative is him cooking, and just generally being in a good mood for an entire day. I need more of these days, and so does he.

-----

November 12, 1979

I am home from work. I refuse to go in to see if I have a job.

And at the same time I'm mentally begging The Boss to contact me because I have this job for a reason and I really wasn't thinking when I did it.

-----

November 13, 1979

Still no call from The Boss. No owl saying I've been sacked. He's doing this on bloody purpose.

-----

November 14, 1979

I'm taking my frustrations out on James. I keep apologizing, but he keeps joking that he'll ask for his next assignment for the Order to be a long stay in Siberia. (More punishment for him than me, I think, given that it's Siberia.)

-----

November 15, 1979

I got the call. I WIN.

I guess he pulled in poor Nora from the office to tell me that if I didn't come in tomorrow, I was officially terminated. I went off on her and asked to talk to The Boss. He kept me waiting so I walked away. Two hours later I find The Boss' head in my fireplace, yelling my name. We worked it out.

Thank God. I think I was scaring James.

-----

November 16, 1979

I seem to be getting a certain amount of respect for The Boss situation. People I've never talked to before are coming up to me and telling me they're proud of me. It's making things a lot easier to deal with.

-----

November 23, 1979

Petunia and the walrus? Are SPAWNING.

I've seen The Omen. This could be worse.

-----

November 24, 1979

I can't imagine Petunia as a mother. She'd probably hire someone to raise it for her. I can't see her doing any of the things you have to do for a baby. The poor kid will grow up warped.

Thanks to James I've adopted the immaculate conception idea. There are some things I never ever want to picture. I begged him to erase my memory if he really loved me.

-----

November 26, 1979

Dad is really getting used to the grandfather idea. I don't think I've seen him that happy in a long time. At least the demon-in-progress has accomplished something.

Sirius says he can see me being the cool aunt who buys stuff for my niece or nephew and takes them all the places his parents won't. I know I'll never be let near the kid. Petunia might have allowed it (at holidays), but I doubt Vernon will. If Mum was alive it might be a different story, but it's not, so there it is.

-----

November 27, 1979

The Boss seems to actually be getting meaner. I don't think it would have been this bad if everyone else in the office hadn't fallen in love with me.

-----

November 28, 1979

Why do I keep putting myself through what I do at work? Dumbledore has told me twice that I can leave. James keeps saying I should quit. I don't know why I need to keep taking this kind of abuse, except that the payoff is bigger than what I'm going through.

I just want to stop feeling like repeatedly banging my head against a hard surface would be more enjoyable.

-----

November 30, 1979

You know when you hear something about someone and you start thinking it applies to you?

Forget it.

-----

December 7, 1979

I'm late. This isn't so much late as I've completely missed a period. I've been telling myself for a week and a half that it's just late, that it'll come, and I was just being paranoid because of Petunia.

I can't deal with this right now.

-----

December 8, 1979

James is off to somewhere that's not here. I don't think I've ever been glad to see him go. He left last night and I got to have a complete panic attack. I didn't tell him yet. I don't know why. I don't know anything for sure. Maybe it's stress. Maybe it's some psychosomatic effect. Maybe my body has just HAD it and this is its way of telling me. We were always careful because now is not a good time.

...later...

I went to the pharmacy. I'm waiting for test results.

I don't know what I want it to be.

What if this is just baby envy? Maybe that's all it is.

Oh, God.

...later...

I went back to the pharmacy and got three more tests, each a different brand, just to be ABSOLUTELY SURE.

I have a timer going so I know when to check it. It's the most annoying sound in the world.

Maybe I'm doing it wrong.

The ticking was annoying, but the obnoxious DING is worse. Okay.

...later...

Four tests can't be wrong, right?

...later...

I don't want to say this to anyone via fireplace, and I keep picking up the telephone and putting it down again. If I call Jane or Anne, what do I expect them to say to make it better and I don't want to tell anyone before I tell James and HOW THE HELL DO I TELL JAMES???

This is a bad idea. A very bad idea. We were taking precautions for a reason. Our first anniversary isn't even until the end of the month. We're both doing work for the Order, which is anything but safe. Voldemort has tried to KILL JAMES. So this baby is just all around bad timing.

I haven't been picking up the mirror when James calls. He had Sirius come check on me. I assured him that I'm fine and I just don't feel like talking. I sort of expect him to come back, though, probably on James' order.

I'm nineteen. I'm still a TEENAGER.

...later...

I've missed one period, so that's what, November? Maybe October? So in July or August, I'm having a baby. That looks too strange to possibly be real.

...later...

This time next year, the baby will be four or five months old. We'll be buying Christmas presents for him or her.

What do babies DO at four months old? I know they're not walking or talking yet. Do they crawl at that age? I have no idea. I don't know what I'm doing.

The doctor's office is closed, but I'm going to schedule an appointment on Monday. I don't know how this goes in the wizarding world, and while it probably doesn't involve stirrups, I'd rather stick with what I know.

...later...

This is irresponsible of us.

...later...

I don't even know how James will react. He hasn't been in the greatest place since the last altercation with Voldemort. Before that I know he would have been ecstatic. I think I want him to be happy, because I can't deal with him being upset. I mean, having the baby is the obvious answer and the only one I can make myself consider, but in that case, I want James to be all right about it. If he doesn't want it, then I don't know.

If I am resigning myself to having and keeping the baby, I can't keep being upset like this. It's a waste of time and energy.

...later...

This doesn't change the fact that this is a BAD IDEA. And bad timing. James and I have refused to leave our home, but add a baby into the mix and we have to consider them first.

We're too young for this.

...later...

This explains why I've been bitchy.

...later...

How do you tell people about this? Especially when you don't know how you feel about it? I don't know how to tell Dad that I'm pregnant because that means I'm admitting that I've had sex. It doesn't matter that I'm married. It's still weird. I don't know how anyone in the Order is going to take it. Probably not well. I don't think I'll be put on duty anymore.

...later...

I bet I'd be a better mum than Petunia.

Oh, GOD. Someone is going to call me "Mum."

...later...

I'll still be nineteen when he or she is born. That means I'll be thirty when they go off to school, so I'll still have some sort of life then. That's selfish, isn't it?

...later...

It's 3 am.

-----

December 9, 1979

It's 3:01 am. I should sleep. I've tried, but I can't. I don't know how I'm ever going to sleep again. I can't turn off my brain. I started thinking about the whole process of pregnancy and now it all seems very creepy. That's bad of me. I can't help it, it is. And I've never been through childbirth but I have it on good authority that it hurts.

...later...

I wonder how much it hurts.

...later...

I always wanted children. Always. I just figured I'd be older. I'd have a house. More than a year of marriage under my belt. I figured Mum would be around to talk me through it.

...later...

I like children, but... Just because you want them doesn't mean you should have them. I know nothing about children. I babysat the summer before my sixth year, but the youngest was six. I have no experience with them. What if I'm horrible at it? I might be the worst mother ever. I could potentially ruin this baby.

James is going to be a great dad, though. I just know it.

We've talked about kids. Before we ever even started talking about getting married, we were playing the What If? game. It just wasn't supposed to be like this.

...later...

I never figured I'd be married at eighteen. Just because things don't happen when you expect them to doesn't mean they shouldn't happen at all, right?

...later...

I had a horrible night sleeping. I finally fell asleep around 4:30, then woke up at 7, then fell back asleep until 9, and I woke up because I kept having strange dreams. I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY. I'm tired and that's just making all my thoughts more odd. Odder. Right.

This doesn't feel real, and that almost makes me think this can't possibly be happening. And I'm trying not to think positively yet, because I need to be able to think realistically and that won't happen if I start telling myself this is a good thing. It's not that I've decided it's a bad thing, it's just I am really very... I don't know.

...later...

1. Our finances may be able to take it. On both our salaries, we can do this. Should I lose my job (always a possibility) or James doesn't make it through Auror training, we might run into problems.

2. We have a one-bedroom flat. For the first year or so it might be fine, but then we have to do something.

3. Oh, yes, Voldemort. James is definitely a target. I could be, and now we're adding another little person into the mix to be either a target or an innocent bystander.

4. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't think James knows what to do.

5. I will be horrible at this. My child will grow up hating me.

6. I'm too young to do this.

7. Ow.

8. Voldemort.

9. James is often away on Order business, and gone for entire weekends. For that matter, how exactly do we both work, since we can't leave an infant on its own? See #1 for reasons why I need my horrible job.

10. James pulled a prank on Anthony just like he would have back in school. I was thinking things like "when do I get my life back?" Maybe we're not mature enough for this.

11. VOLDEMORT.

12. See #s 2, 3, 8 and 11 for reasons to leave here, which James and I have not wanted to do.

13. I am also too selfish for this. See 12.

14. James might not be happy about this.

15. Voldemort.

There. God, this is going to go all wrong, isn't it?

...later...

James usually comes home around midday, but he was so worried about me that he came back early. So I told him. Scratch 14 off my list. He asked me to repeat myself about six times and kept asking "How?" If he had any trouble figuring THAT one out, I wouldn't be in the middle of this panic. Then I think it started to sink in and he wouldn't stop smiling. I told him to stop and think about it, and he said "No. I want to be happy about this and I want you to be happy about this."

I showed him my entries from the last couple days, which is the most nerve-wracking thing I ever could have done, but I need him to know where I stand. Not that I know where I stand. He went through the entire list and countered everything I came up with. I kept asking him if he really understood the situation Voldemort puts us in, but he kept saying he refuses to think of this as a bad thing. And it's not that I do, it's just that I don't know how to deal with this, and I don't know how we're going to do this. It feels like I just learned how to be responsible for myself and now I'm going to have someone else depending on me, which is really a lot harder than it sounds right now.

-----

Dear Lily,

We'll be fine.

I love you.

-----

December 10, 1979

I could have murdered him for writing in my diary, but I didn't. Mostly because it helped.

I'm trying to get used to the idea, but it's difficult. I just can't SEE it. I'm trying to think optimistically. I'm REALLY trying. And this isn't a bad thing, it's just...

James wants to tell everyone. I begged him not to until I can figure out exactly how I feel about it. I'd like to be able to tell people with a genuine smile. I've had a lot of things to feel bad about lately, but I think the fact that I can't automatically be happy has to be the worst.

-----

December 11, 1979

We got into a conversation last night about what he or she is going to look like. I have to admit, I think I led that conversation. I actually liked trying to imagine the different possibilities. I think we're going to have cute kids. It was also a little insight into the little hang-ups James and I have. ("God, no, not my hair." "No child should have my ears." And so on.)

It's grudging, but a step nonetheless.